tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45399003144288647802024-03-13T09:02:28.895-07:00KonajournalKona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.comBlogger337125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-16169382419743965902015-09-28T15:40:00.001-07:002015-09-28T15:42:55.847-07:00The Slow, Painful & Thoroughly Enjoyable Death of the Republican Party<i>Washington, DC.</i> We are living in the end times. No, not <i>those </i>end times, when Jesus floats around in the sky, Christians leave their empty clothes on the sidewalks and the rest of us get seven years of permanent Black Friday at Walmart. I'm talking about the end times of the Republican Party.<br />
<br />
The Four Horsemen of this impending Republican Apocalypse, the inevitable, malevolent spawn of the incestuous coupling of Fear and Stupidity (a match made in hell by Fox News) appear unstoppable and have the party regulars in a sweaty panic, as at least 50% of GOP voters prefer these four unelectable maniacs over traditional less obviously maniacal candidates. They are Trump, Carson, Fiorina and Cruz. Okay, Cruz is riding a Shetland pony but for the sake of beating this analogy to death it's a fucking horse.<br />
<br />
On the first horse is Trump, the very embodiment of Pride. His narcissism forbids acknowledging any personal wrongdoing. Ever. About anything. He is reckless, tactless, racist and if intelligent hides it exceedingly well. These are all qualities admired by the 25% of Republicans who think he should be the leader of the Free World. That almost everything he promises is highly unlikely to occur means nothing to them. He's rich. That's everything.<br />
<br />
On the second horse is Dr. Ben Carson, who exists in this contest solely to allow his fellow Republicans to hear their own racism come out of the mouth of a Black man and feel justified about their bigotry. Carson once said, "You know, Obamacare is really I think the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery." Were Carson Jewish, he would likely compare free community college to the Holocaust. Conservatives eat this shit up.<br />
<br />
On the third horse rides Carly Fiorina. While all Republican candidates are certainly liars, she has a special talent for it and obviously enjoys her craft. Widely regarded by anyone who has any knowledge whatsoever of business as an absolutely miserable CEO, Fiornia contends that her experience burning Hewlett-Packard to the ground makes her the prefect choice for president. And she does so with all the charm of Ann Coulter. Republicans assume she can compete with Hillary (just as they did with Palin), as she has a vagina. No one will notice the difference.<br />
<br />
Finally on the fourth (very small) horse rides Ted Cruz, the poor man's Joe McCarthy. Tail Gunner Ted has managed to alienate just about every "normal" Republican in Congress, which is a nice way of saying they hate his fucking guts and wish he would get hit by a bus. Cruz brings an oily mixture of phony religiosity, ersatz patriotism and seething anti-government hatred to the contest. He has a popsicle's chance in hell of getting the nomination, but is jockeying for a possible VP nod. It will not help with the Latino vote any more than wearing a sombrero with dingle balls and playing maracas during his next speech will.<br />
<br />
This is the perfect, apocalyptic storm for the GOP. It's not just the four candidates that spell doom, but the confluence of disastrous candidates and a base that has been decades in the dumbing-down. It's a can't lose recipe for total disaster.<br />
<br />
Now some will look at these four sand say, "Well, it's a diverse group, more diverse than what the Democrats are offering. You've got a Black man, a woman, a Latino and a pasty-faced, puffy white guy."<br />
<br />
True enough. They do have those physical characteristics. But they're all peddling the same failed, dangerous, hawkish, racist, pro-rich, anti-middle class policies. Blacks and Latinos will not be fooled into voting for them. Women will not mistake Carly Fiorina for Hillary Clinton, essentially comparable lady parts notwithstanding.<br />
<br />
Republicans have made fear their best friend. They have spent years creating an embarrassingly, willfully ignorant base. They have made government a dirty word. They no longer deem intelligence, education, reason, diplomacy, and empathy to be virtues, but flaws to be sneered at and mocked. They have alienated almost every demographic that isn't old, Southern and white.<br />
<br />
I hear the sound of hoof beats, and it's growing nearer and more urgent, the thundering tattoo of four horses galloping madly. Okay, three horses and a pony.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-35099599642789766092015-07-08T17:39:00.000-07:002015-07-08T18:49:22.151-07:00Donald Trump: Republican Id or Loudmouthed, Ignorant Dick?New York, NY <i> </i>With the first Republican debate less than a month away, Donald Trump and the thing that lives on his head are nipping at Jeb Bush's heels. The RNC, conservative pundits and fellow candidates are scrambling to deal with the disruptive Trump juggernaut and maintain a semblance of decorum as well as some faint hope of retaking the White House. But it's like doing damage control after a candidate tried to explain the good side of rape. Again. And now nine Republicans know they will share a stage with an egomaniac (emphasis on maniac) who is going to mercilessly savage every last one of them with utter abandon and with no thought of party unity, all to the delight of the red meat-gnawing, slavering base who will cheer every insult, every charge of wimpiness and every disregard of common decency.<br />
<br />
Of course what started the fear and loathing was Trump's ugly remarks about Mexicans.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”</i></span><br />
<br />
Obviously the vast majority of thinking, informed citizens realize that this provocative statement is not only demonstrably false, but intentionally insulting to hardworking, honest immigrants, as well as American-born Latinos. And therein lies the Republicans' problem: their base is neither thinking nor informed, which is why Trump is in second place <i>nationally</i> and their getting that needed share of the Latino vote is about as likely as Santana playing the Republican Convention. Actually, Trump would have even more support had he waved a Confederate flag while dumping on Mexicans.<br />
<br />
We must remember how Trump captured the heart of the Republican base. He did it by suggesting that President Obama was not only illegally occupying the White House due to his undoubtedly Kenyan birth, but that he had also phonied up his grades and wasn't even deserving of his degrees, because, you know, he's...well, you know. <br />
<br />
Very few Republicans objected to this, out loud anyway. But in the wake of his Mexican remarks, a few have found spines. Rick Perry, who is more likely to see the inside of a prison cell than the Oval Office, is one. George Will is another. Charles Krauthammer is one more. And Jeb is making noises that have a decidedly disapproving tone to them. Nice, since his wife is a Mexican immigrant. But it's too few and too late.<br />
<br />
Donald Trump comes across as a profoundly ignorant man who has no idea how fucking ignorant he really is. He's brash, deceitful, arrogant, unprincipled, greedy and narcissistic. Only <i>he </i>can make America great again. (What we're not great now? Okay.) Only <i>he </i>can defeat ISIS. Only <i>he </i>can make China and Japan kowtow to us in trade. Only <i>he </i>can negotiate. Everyone else is a fucking loser. And today, Trump announced, "I will win the Latino vote."<br />
<br />
Add delusional to the above list of character traits.<br />
<br />
And he made this claim while being so rude, so hostile and so mansplainingly condescending to
NBC's Katy Tur that even Chris Christie would have said, "Man, that guy's a jerk!"<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter. He's in second place, and gaining. It tells you something about the GOP, and why they must be not just defeated but sent to the shitpile of History, where they so righteously deserve to molder.<br />
<br />
Which brings us to the question in today's title, Donald Trump: Republican id or loudmouthed, ignorant dick? Answer: Yes.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-30409438739147320832015-06-26T18:36:00.001-07:002015-06-26T18:38:03.039-07:00The Republicans' Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad WeekWashington, DC. There's an old saying about bad things coming in threes. I can only imagine that Republicans nationwide were praying for the week to be over and desperately hoping that that old saying would not need a revision. Unfortunately, their prayers caromed off a brass sky and their hopes are a smoking, fetid pile of ashes. I'm counting four.<br />
<br />
1. Donald Trump and the thing that lives on his head enter the presidential race. As if there weren't enough unserious candidates making it tough for Jeb Bush to assume the mantle of Great White Hope and complete the Bush trifecta, here comes feces-thrower Trump, immediately flinging poop on the leading candidate, beating his chest and leaving no doubt that the circus has indeed come to town.<br />
<br />
The RNC is in a collective cold sweat, because unless someone comes up with a Plan B very quickly, as in yesterday, nine Republican hopefuls will share a Fox News debate stage with a very mean-spirited, uncontrollable orangutan who cares about nothing but increasing his stockpile of bananas.<br />
<br />
Yes, Jeb should make it out alive, although caked in orangutan shit. And the party itself will continue to be seen as pathetically out of touch as Trump, in the name of the GOP, will certainly manage to offend every minority in ways no one can yet even imagine. Democratic ad men are salivating.<br />
<br />
2. The South finally loses the Civil War. I know, we thought it was over more than a century ago. But it took the tragic deaths of nine good people in a South Carolina church at the hands of a white supremacist Justin Bieber impersonator to remove the last symbol of their treasonous past. Even if Charlie Daniels is still proud he's a rebel and remains convinced that the South is gonna do it again, they will have to do it through gerrymandering, voter suppression/intimidation and quiet, structural racism sans the Confederate battle flag. This they can and will try to do, crocodile tears and professions of love for their Black fellow citizens notwithstanding. This tactic will eventually fail, and the tears will be real, as will our laughter.<br />
<br />
3. Chief Justice John Roberts saves Obamacare. After sixty attempts to kill it and deprive millions of their fellow Americans of health care, and in thousands of cases, their lives, Republicans are now facing the utterly depressing reality that The Affordable Care Act is here to stay. What makes it particularly galling, aside from not being able to watch people suffer and die, is that they were counting on the Bush-appointed Roberts to share their callous disregard for humanity and thrust a dagger into the heart of the beast. Instead, he planted that dagger squarely in their back.<br />
<br />
Of course this will not stop them from continuing to promise their knuckle-walking base that they will repeal it and replace it with Something a Black Guy Didn't Come Up With. This will happen when monkeys fly out of their butts. Luckily, Obamacare covers that condition.<br />
<br />
4. Closeted Republicans can now get married anywhere in the US. Not that they will. No, they will continue to shriek and keen about the death of civilization, the persecution of Christians and predict all sorts of gory and improbable end-times destruction as they fund-raise off it and desperately try to stir up as much hatred and anger at the LGBT community as is possible. Then they will sneak off to have some hot man on man sex with Adam and Steve.<br />
<br />
I suppose we should feel sorry for our Republican enemies. They've had a rough week. We should make some sort of gesture of good will, something to demonstrate our desire to reach across the aisle and listen to their ideas. Sending Confederate flag toilet paper would be a nice touch.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell </span><br />
<br />Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-79464415627267704142015-06-19T14:28:00.002-07:002015-06-19T14:28:57.060-07:00Audio Konajournal: A White Guy's Post-Racial Do's & Don'ts for Black People<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5hM-OHLc8E&feature=youtu.be">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5hM-OHLc8E&feature=youtu.be</a>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-87602507687025081292015-06-09T14:47:00.002-07:002015-06-09T14:49:24.629-07:00A White Guy's Post-Racial Do's & Dont's for Black PeopleAs is well documented, Americans of all ethnicities are now living
harmoniously in a post-racial society. But even though racism has been
eliminated there are still some subtle do's and don'ts that Black people
should adhere to, just to keep it that way. Here are some helpful
examples:<br />
<br />
1. Do not have a pool party. Yes, this seems obvious, since we white folks <i>know </i>you
can't swim. In fact, it is probably a good idea not to have any kind of
party as we will almost certainly object to the noise, to what you call "music," the
number of people who show up, etc. But if you must go to a pool party,
wear a short white jacket and carry a tray full of mimosas. <br />
<br />
2.
Do not have 19 kids. Yes, of course you love the Duggars! We all do!
Who can resist a mindless breeding machine pumping out litters of future
fundamentalist Republicans? They're so cute when they're little. But
Fox News and the conservative Christians who champion the Duggars will
simply see this as being the worst sort of copy cat behavior and will be
forced to speak unkindly about you and your family. Remember, even
though we're happily post-racial, demographics are still a bitch for us.
Do emulate Chinese family planning, please. Remember one child = triple
happy luck. <br />
<br />
3. Do not run. Again, obvious. Unless you
are in uniform carrying a football. Then please run as fast as you can.
I've got 20 bucks on the game.<br />
<br />
4. Do not get arrested.
This is very, very important. Studies have shown that Black people do
not do well in captivity and have a tendency to die. Avoid being
arrested by staying in your house as much as possible and if you must go
out in public, try to do so with at least two white friends whose
fathers are police officers or district attorneys.<br />
<br />
5.
Do not open carry. I know it is tempting to go to the airport with your
fully-loaded AR-15 or pal around with twenty of your Black friends
dressed in paramilitary attire while armed to the teeth at your local
Applebee's, but this behavior is specifically white penis-compensation
therapy and mocking it would be insensitive, as well as the AR-15 would
be really rubbing it in. Also, remember that many of the police who show
up to arrest and/or kill you are in 24-7 white penis-compensation
therapy so they will not be amused.<br />
<br />
6. Do not be president. Even though we are a post-racial society, this is pushing the limits of good taste. It <i>is </i>acceptable to <i>run </i>for
president as a Republican (after you disavow your heritage) but do not
have the temerity to actually win, or even consider it. Remember, you
are running to make us feel good about ourselves. After all we've done
for you, it's the least you can do for us.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-52016886514672426612015-05-21T14:47:00.000-07:002015-05-21T14:57:02.057-07:00The GOP Debates: An Embarrassment of Riches<span style="font-family: inherit;">Washington, DC. While many nations around the world are dealing with painful shortages in resources, our great country has an abundance — even a surplus — in one crucial resource: people who want to be the Republican nominee for president. And while this is of course something to celebrate, it does present some problems, especially when it comes to the twelve (yes, 12) Republican debates that will take place between August and March. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As of now, there are about 36 potential candidates, some declared, some still testing the waters. But even though that list will be eventually whittled down, it will still be in the double digits, making the debate structure unwieldy. Organizers cannot count on looming indictments to reduce the field sufficiently.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Several suggestions arose to reduce the number, like flying all the candidates to a remote and unpopulated island where their survival skills would determine who continues to the debates. However, as some are known cannibals, it was felt that they would have an unfair advantage.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Musical chairs was also briefly considered as a means of thinning the herd, but was deemed too complicated for the rhythm-challenged predominantly white group of candidates. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Also ruled out were a talent contest, an MMA-style cage fight, a round of Truth or Dare, who's mate is more popular than Bill Clinton as well as Governor Christie's suggestion of a hotdog eating contest. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Fortunately, Fox News came up with a plan, for at least the first debate, that being that only announced candidates can participate and all must place in the top 10 of an average of the five most recent polls, as recognized by Fox News (whatever that means). This scheme will of course be immediately shitcanned if Carly Fiorina doesn't make the cut because there absolutely must be a woman on the stage at all times. Ditto for Dr. Ben Carson and your choice of Latino.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yet even with these rules in place, it is likely that there will be more than ten debaters on the stage. And that could likely include the high-polling Donald Trump and that thing that lives on his head.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">CNN came up with a different plan, splitting their September debate into two parts: the 10 highest polling candidates, and "candidates who meet the minimum threshold of 1 percent in public polling but are ranked outside the top 10." This is very clever, and considerate, as legitimate candidates will not be forced to stand in puddles of drool or inhale the smoke from burning hair while explaining how Obama is responsible for the Iraq War.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">While there are certainly reasons to grumble in this great country of ours, lack of Republican candidates willing to lie repeatedly in public and on video is definitely not one of them. Never before have so many stepped forward to take us several steps backwards. The GOP debates are an embarrassment of riches. Okay, make that just an embarrassment. <br /><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-39715650845338435382015-03-18T16:40:00.000-07:002015-03-19T11:38:38.792-07:00The Republican Budget: Because F*ck YouWashington, DC. With the wind at their backs, the Republican-controlled 114th Congress is wasting no time in proving that the previous Congress, renowned for its historic obstruction, record number of filibusters, minimal legislation, extraordinary disrespect for the president and an utter lack of feck, was not an aberration.<br />
<br />
Two months into their majority, two Republican congressmen (Grimm and Schock) have resigned in disgrace, three of their presidential hopefuls (Christie, Perry and Walker) are facing possible criminal charges, they've held funding for HSA hostage over immigration, held up confirmation for AG nominee Loretta Lynch in the hopes that they could insert anti-choice language into a human trafficking bill, invited a foreign head of state (in sneering contempt of protocol) to address the august body and undermine the President amid delicate nuclear arms talks and became traitorous, lovesick correspondents with the Ayatollah Khamenei, who rebuffed their schoolboy advances.<br />
<br />
Legislatively, they've pushed the Keystone XL Pipeline, tried to repeal Obamacare for the 59th time and reluctantly pulled their own anti-abortion bill when Republican women legislators deemed it too medieval, even for them.<br />
<br />
One would imagine they would need to catch their breath. But no.<br />
<br />
To absolutely no one's surprise, House Republicans dropped trou, squatted down on the Capitol steps and dumped their budget plan. The 10-year blueprint for how to totally destroy every positive step made by the present administration is basically the same one Representative Paul Ryan has peddled four times previously, the one ridiculed by every major economist and denounced by nuns for being too much like something Satan might come up with.<br />
<br />
I won't bore you with too many details, because you can close your eyes and imagine it right now, especially if you're a fan of The Walking Dead, but in a nutshell, it cuts spending by 5.5 trillion dollars over its ten years, in a sort of political/economic version of the Black Death. Of course you know who will feel those spending cuts: the poor and the middle class. <br />
<br />
And of course it cuts taxes for the wealthy and corporations who never pay taxes anyway, because fuck you.<br />
<br />
And it cuts Medicaid funding by 913 billion dollars over ten years and relegates the program to the states in the form of block grants, because fuck you.<br />
<br />
And it cuts billions from SNAP, known as Food Stamps, because fuck you.<br />
<br />
And of course it repeals Obamacare, and with the Medicaid cuts, would knock an estimated 37 million Americans off the rolls of the insured, because fuck you.<br />
<br />
But don't worry. It increases military spending, because fuck you.<br />
<br />
Of course this budget will be widely touted by all Republicans, young and old, male and female, far right and farther right, on the Sunday morning shows, the op-ed pages of <i>The Wall Street Journal</i> and that place where truth goes to die, Fox News. Most of the media will tell us that this proposed budget is courageous and unavoidable, like all of our glorious wars, because fuck you.<br />
<br />
There is, however, a way to prevent this budget from ever becoming reality. It's called voting. Yes, there's an alternative to that: bloody revolution, which I readily admit would be cathartic and possibly thrilling in a horrible sort of way, but at my age, I'll opt for voting. Because, Republicans, fuck you.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell </span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-7427540875286547912015-03-05T16:28:00.002-08:002015-03-05T16:28:07.592-08:00Audio Version / CPAC, Republican Hate Rodeohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k27CdOg8Zg4&feature=youtu.be<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k27CdOg8Zg4&feature=youtu.be">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k27CdOg8Zg4&feature=youtu.be</a>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-28445021120779575442015-03-02T16:25:00.000-08:002015-03-02T20:22:04.539-08:00CPAC, Republican Hate RodeoNational Harbor, MD. If you turned on the TV a few days ago and were somewhat surprised to see Jeb Bush addressing a Klan rally, your misconception is certainly understandable. You were in fact witnessing his address to the Conservative Political Action Conference or CPAC, where conservative Christians go once a year to embarrass Jesus.<br />
<br />
CPAC is like an annual Republican hate rodeo, with the competitors comprising a vast slate of far right extremists (and a handful of escapees from the local hospital for the criminally insane) with a combined zero percent chance of ever being elected President of the United States. But that's not the point. The objective is to hurl as much slander, lies, hate and big chunks of raw, bloody meat to the rabidly slavering, cheering audience as one can before the bell rings.<br />
<br />
This year's contestants did not disappoint, although many of them seemed to mistakenly believe that President Obama is running for a third term. However, some of the smarter ones sensed that it would be instead Hillary Clinton they would be vying against and so reserved their venom-infused spittle for her.<br />
<br />
The prolonged event was not lacking in highlights, with racism, Islamophobia, anti-immigrant fear and loathing, Obama-bashing and exuberant warmongering setting the tone. There were also several flat moments, from the ever frothy Rick Santorum's failed birther stand-up routine to Governor Chris Christie's increasing inability to appear to be anything but a turd in a suit. But there were many stand-out moments. Here's some that caught our attention.<br />
<br />
Governor Scott Walker impressed the white, Christian audience with his pledge to launch another crusade to wipe the last infidels from the face of the earth. Aside from this plan to end unions once and for all, he also wants to kill as many Muslims as possible. <br />
<br />
Governor Bobby Jindal echoed Walker's desire to kill a whole lot of brown-skinned people (himself excluded, of course) and vowed to fuck the poor in his desperately poor and unhealthy state even harder by repealing Obamacare.<br />
<br />
Senator Ted Cruz did a remarkable Senator Ted Cruz impersonation and talked about liberty, while desperately trying to conceal a growing woody.<br />
<br />
Dr. Ben Carson, who is this election season's Herman Cain, delighted white Republicans with talk of "real freedom." Carson, every bit the quisling as 9-9-9-Cain, is a standout in the party for being as batshit crazy as the former pizza magnate, but with a degree of gravitas that comes from having the title of "Doctor" instead of "Uncle" in front of his name. Note: Carson should not be confused with those little round coin-like objects one inserts in a subway turnstile.<br />
<br />
Phil Robertson, the only person in the room who would actually look up if someone screamed "Duck!", blamed all sexually-transmitted diseases on people that used to look exactly like he looks now: hippies.<br />
<br />
Governor Jeb Bush, who bused in his own cheering section, discovered to his dismay that simply inserting people into the audience wearing "George who?" t-shirts would not save him from a wing of the party that sees any sign, however minute, of something akin to humanity as equal to demanding they turn in their guns and marry the guy sitting next to them.<br />
<br />
It was, however, Senator Rand Paul who won the day, and his third consecutive, much-coveted and completely irrelevant straw poll. Paul pushed all the right buttons, calling President Obama a girly-man, droning on about freedom, making sweet, sweet love to the Constitution and blaming Hillary Clinton for Benghazi. He did everything but sing the Star-Spangled Banner while dry-humping the Liberty Bell.<br />
<br />
So now we know. It will be Rand vs. Hillary in 2016. Just kidding. Jeb will get the nomination. Those t-shirts are the nuts.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-66583089981724356512015-02-26T11:09:00.000-08:002015-02-26T11:09:06.227-08:00Obama, the Un-American PresidentWashington, DC. Aside from weathering a paralyzing snow storm,
representatives in our nation's capitol have been battling a whirling
shit storm, thanks to statements made by former New York City mayor,
Rudy Giuliani. The remarks, delivered at a fundraising event for dead
fish impersonator and Koch brothers' favorite sex toy, Wisconsin's
Governor Scott Walker, hinted that President Obama may be just a tad
lukewarm in his affection for the country he leads. Said the former
mayor:<br />
<br />
“I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the president loves America. He
doesn’t love you. And he doesn’t love me. He wasn’t brought up the way
you were brought up and I was brought up through love of this country.”<br />
<br />
Okay, that's more than a hint. But Giuliani, who has descended from
"America's Mayor" to America's crazy fucking racist uncle banging on the
attic floor, was not done. Holding forth at Fox News, the convicted
leg-breaker's son doubled and tripled down on his belief that President
Obama basically hates everything America stands for. So there.<br />
<br />
What brought this all about, of course, is Obama's ongoing refusal to
call ISIS thugs and other terrorists of Muslim origin "Islamic
terrorists." The President holds that this appellation (preferred by
anti-Islam bigots, Islamophobes and harpies named Pam Geller by a margin
of 10 to 1) gives these criminals legitimacy they do not warrant. It is
for precisely the same reason the president does not refer to
Republicans as "treasonous, reality-denying shitheads." It's more than <i>they </i>deserve.<br />
<br />
But as much as we effete liberals would like to deny it, the
increasingly irrelevant former mobster's son does have a point: Barack
Obama was <i>not </i>brought up in a stereotypical Italian crime family and is stunningly, undeniably not white.<br />
<br />
President Obama demonstrates this by regularly appearing in public as a
Black man. He showed his sneering disdain for white women everywhere by
marrying one Michelle Robinson and shortly thereafter producing two
chocolate-toned children that will never be mistaken for Italians. He
displays an elitist contempt for NASCAR and is unable to distinguish
Dale Earnhardt, Jr. from Jimmie Johnson, and further, could not give a
fuck. He would instead prefer to watch tall Black, athletic men fly
through the air and slam basket balls than watch white guys drive around
in a circle. He doesn't bowl. His iPod is tellingly bare of country
music and he never starts a speech with, "Like Charlie Daniels says...."
Even worse, he vacations in the communist state of Hawaii instead of
Branson, Missouri. He refuses to man-up and be a Real American by
slaughtering God's creatures for sport and idle amusement while
shit-faced drunk. He doesn't go 4-wheeling, preferring to preserve
Nature as opposed to digging tire tracks into her. And most damningly
obvious of all, he seems to prefer ending and preventing wars than
starting them for no fucking reason.<br />
<br />
Rudy Giuliani is right. Barack H. Obama is no George W. Bush. And for that, we can all be grateful.<br />
<br />
Next week, Obama hates Israel because he refuses to convert from Islam to Judaism.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-40710234890680117612015-02-25T14:53:00.000-08:002015-02-25T14:53:01.420-08:00Audio Version / Obama, the Un-American Presidenthttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXqdHDrByCY&feature=youtu.be<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXqdHDrByCY&feature=youtu.be">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXqdHDrByCY&feature=youtu.be</a>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-20091691656412804682015-02-09T14:47:00.001-08:002015-02-09T14:47:26.334-08:00Audio Version / Vaccinating Evil https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vbTxEsXoSc&feature=share<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vbTxEsXoSc&feature=share">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vbTxEsXoSc&feature=share</a>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-35631207749042662542015-02-03T16:48:00.000-08:002015-02-03T16:48:56.071-08:00Vaccinating EvilBethesda, Maryland. Today the culmination of years of rigorous research was unveiled here at the National Institute of Health. The groundbreaking discovery has the potential to change the world and was announced by Dr. Fritz Friedenlieben, the chair of the project.<br />
<br />
"After many years of hard work, we have finally isolated the virus that causes people to be irredeemably nasty. Tests have shown that the vaccine works with very few side affects and will prevent children from developing hatred, greed and intolerance. We are now ready to proceed to clinical trials."<br />
<br />
"Dr. Friedenlieben, what are these side affects to the HGI vaccine?"<br />
<br />
"There has been some very slight soreness at the site of injection, but the most pronounced side affects are feelings of love, generosity and the desire to get along with other people. We suggest children receive the vaccine by the age of four or five."<br />
<br />
President Obama reacted to the news this morning.<br />
<br />
"This is a landmark discovery. I am hoping that if the clinical trials are successful all parents will have their children vaccinated against this debilitating disease."<br />
<br />
However, Republicans greeted the news with skepticism and some with outright hostility. Senator Rand Paul had this to say:<br />
<br />
"While as a not board-certified <span class="st">ophthalmologist I applaud Dr. Friedenlieben's research on the HGI vaccine, as a Libertarian I believe it is the child's owners, the parents, who have the constitutional right to decide if their kids grow up to be hateful, greedy bigots or not."</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span>
<span class="st">Congressman Louis Gohmert of Texas was less accommodating:</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span>
<span class="st">"This country was built on hatred, greed and intolerance! Dr. Frankenburger's vaccine is just plain un-American! And hell, there wouldn't be anyone left to vote for us!"</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span>
<span class="st">The NIH says clinical trials will begin shortly and that the rats injected with the HGI vaccine seem to be enjoying sharing their food and giving each other back rubs.</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span>
<span class="st" style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-29246943774025493282015-01-28T13:32:00.004-08:002015-01-28T13:32:51.636-08:00Bread Wrappers for Everyone / Audio Versionhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYnZyqTBYVY&feature=share<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYnZyqTBYVY&feature=share">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYnZyqTBYVY&feature=share</a>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-69085173367586504742015-01-27T13:34:00.000-08:002015-01-27T13:34:39.554-08:00Bread Wrappers for EveryoneDes Moines, Iowa. We're here in America's corn hole, I mean corn basket, this afternoon at the annual Freedom Summit, also known as Steve King's Fuck You Immigrants, Muslims, Gays and Anyone Who Isn't a White Redneck Asshole Lollapalooza. This is where potential Republican presidential contenders come to prove their bona fides to the GOP's most droolingly right-wing voters and hopefully get that much coveted Iowa bump.<br />
<br />
However it's not the line-up of presidential hopefuls that are the talk of the event, but Iowa's own Joni Ernst, the freshman senator who delivered the first of five fulsome GOP rebuttals to President Obama's State of the Union address. The pig castrater from Red Oak has inadvertently uncorked something of a pissing contest with her woebegone tale of childhood poverty — poverty so deep it required $460,000 in government subsides — including the heartbreaking account of wearing plastic bread wrappers over her one good pair of shoes. Now everyone is regaling the press with Dickensian tales of brutal childhood hardship. Here's a small sampling from those willing to speak to us:<br />
<br />
"Bread wrappers? That ain't nuthin'! We was so poor we wore bread for shoes. My poor mama would git herself up at four in the mornin' and start bakin' our shoes. 'Come in here chillun and put your dogs in them buns an' git on to school' she'd say. Then we'd walk five miles to school in our bread shoes. We ate 'em for lunch. Then we'd walk on home barefoot. Took me twenty years 'for I could eat bread without mud on it."<br />
<br />
"Well we were so durn poor our little town couldn't even afford a town drunk. We had this one guy who just pretended to be drunk about half the time."<br />
<br />
"You want me to tell you what poor is? We were so fucking poor the panhandlers gave us spare change. My pop's best job was holding the 'will work for food' sign for the homeless guy."<br />
<br />
"Oh my, we were so poor that our mama would tell us, 'You kids go out there and foller them squirrels before it gits dark and find where they're buryin' them acorns and bring 'em home.' Then we'd bring the acorns home and mama would make us all a nice bowl of hot water and acorn soup."<br />
<br />
Of course there are some who still are a bit unclear on the concept.<br />
<br />
"Oh dear, yes, as a young lad I faced very great hardship. Father made a disastrous investment and found it expedient to sell our summer house on Cape Cod. We were forced to winter in a rented villa in Hawaii for three torturous years. The following year pater auctioned my polo pony, and Biff and Skipper and the rest of the chaps at prep mocked me mercilessly. 'No Polo DuPont' they called me. It still rankles to this very day."<br />
<br />
Fortunately, the Republicans still have time to work this all out and prove to the middle class and working poor that they really, really care about them. The empathy workshop starts at 2:00 pm, entitled "Bread Wrappers for Everyone." Watch out, Democrats.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-66204190660795230352015-01-19T14:58:00.000-08:002015-01-19T15:20:08.261-08:00Mitt Romney 3.0: Champion of the PoorWashington, DC. Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren may not be seeking the nomination for president in 2016, but her populist message is being adopted by hopefuls on both sides of the aisle early on here in 2015. The most recent politician to do so is former Massachusetts governor and two-time presidential also-ran, Mitt Romney.<br />
<br />
Mr. Romney, who in 2012 became the poster boy for corporate rapacity and nonchalant, well-bred indifference to the poor and middle class, has since experienced something of an epiphany when it comes to income inequality.<br />
<br />
Addressing hundreds of well-heeled Republican National Committee members, and potential donors, recently in San Diego who had for some reason suddenly appeared aboard the aircraft carrier <i>Midway</i>, Mr. Romney made it clear that his focus would be on, as he called it, "the scourge of poverty."<br />
<br />
Mr. Romney made it clear, between well-written one-liners, that to regain the White House Republicans must show a willingness to lift <i>all </i>people out of poverty, and that <i>only </i>Republicans are capable of accomplishing this economic and social justice turnaround. Although there were no particulars given as to <i>how </i>the GOP, notorious among the poor as the heavy-handed wielder of that so-called "scourge," would bring about this change, some possible solutions are cutting capital gains taxes, lowering the corporate tax rate and eliminating antiquated programs that keep the poor in bondage, like Meals on Wheels.<br />
<br />
However, the biggest surprise of the evening came when Mr. Romney announced to the stunned audience that he would be selling his $12,000,000 La Jolla estate and moving into a double-wide trailer.<br />
<br />
"I'm running for president for Pete's sake!" the former governor exclaimed.<br />
<br />
The Romney's three story, 8,000 sq. ft.double-wide trailer sits on 14 acres in Napa Valley, has 8 bedrooms, 10 baths, an olympic-sized indoor swimming pool, a bowling alley, a theater, two helipads and of course a car elevator.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-47116103722411747042015-01-12T12:07:00.002-08:002015-01-12T12:07:26.742-08:00Chips, Salsa & Steve Scalise / Audio Version<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUPtK2Fv9A4">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUPtK2Fv9A4</a>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-35751105459200177502015-01-11T15:23:00.000-08:002015-01-11T18:23:43.928-08:00Chips, Salsa and Steve ScaliseWashington, DC. In a stroke of amazing good fortune, <i>Konajournal </i>has obtained a secretly recorded meeting between Republican Representatives Joe Barton and Louis Gohmert, both of the Lone Star State of Texas. The conversation took place during lunch between the two congressmen at a Waco Mexican restaurant, Que La Chinga, and concerns their plans to deal with the David Duke scandal that fellow representative, Steve Scalise of Louisiana, is now embroiled in. We present it here unedited.<br />
<br />
"Louis, we got us a peck of trouble right here with this Scalise deal. I mean, no sooner do we get them reins of power back in our hot little hands and we're like to get bucked right off and wind up with a mouthful of dirt. We gotta stay on that sumbitch til the bell, old son."<br />
<br />
"Well, I guess we just need to make it clear to our base that we got no truck with them neo-Nazis and Klan boys."<br />
<br />
"That is our base, you idjit!"<br />
<br />
"Oh yeah. Hey I know what! We make us a mess of tee shirts that say 'Je suis Scalise'!"<br />
<br />
"Naw, that won't work. Everyone will think it says 'Jesus Scalise', except for a few of them boys down in Louisiana and they don't read nothin' anyhow."<br />
<br />
"Oh yeah. Well... hey I know what! We get him to pal around with that nigger doctor, Ben Carson!"<br />
<br />
"That won't help. Carson's a Republican... and stop saying nigger!"<br />
<br />
"I can't help it! It just comes natural. I mean I switched to niggra, then colored folks, then Black and now African-American. I just don't know what to call them folks."<br />
<br />
"Well just call 'em 'them folks' then."<br />
<br />
"Okay. Well, maybe if we just ignore this whole mess it'll go away. Anyhow, them media fellers are easy to put on a new scent. Just holler 'squirrel'!"<br />
<br />
"You got that right, but we got another problem."<br />
<br />
"What's that?"<br />
<br />
"Well, seems ol' Steve got himself a bit of tattooing on him a few years ago."<br />
<br />
"That ain't no big deal. I got one says 'Mom' right here on my arm!"<br />
<br />
"Yeah, well, Scalise has a tattoo across his back. I mean across his <i>whole </i>back."<br />
<br />
"What is it?"<br />
<br />
"Confederate flag."<br />
<br />
"Holy shit!"<br />
<br />
"Yep, and underneath it says 'The South will rise again'."<br />
<br />
"Holy shit! Well, we just tell him to keep his damn shirt on!"<br />
<br />
"Yeah, but that ain't all. He's got another one, tattoo of the greatest general this country's ever known."<br />
<br />
"You mean..."<br />
<br />
"Yep he's got a tattoo of General Robert E. Lee... right on his bum."<br />
<br />
"On his bum? Now why would he put Robert E. Lee on his bum?"<br />
<br />
"Well, he didn't mean no disrespect. Seemed like a good idea at the time."<br />
<br />
"Well hell. Okay. Here's the deal. He just has to take a shower with his clothes on. There's cameras everywhere these days. I mean there could be one down there in the drain."<br />
<br />
"Well, that'll work. Except we got one more problem."<br />
<br />
"What's that?"<br />
<br />
"Well, seems Steve got real drunk one night and got a tattoo on his Joe Willie."<br />
<br />
"Hell you say! On his Joe Willie?"<br />
<br />
"Yep. And it says, Lord help us, 'Don't tread on me.'"<br />
<br />
"Holy shit! That musta hurt!"<br />
<br />
"Yep. Though most times it just says 'Do me.'"<br />
<br />
"Huh?"<br />
<br />
"You know, unless it's all stretched out, all you can read is 'do me.' Can't read the rest of it."<br />
<br />
"Well that ain't no big deal."<br />
<br />
"The hell it ain't! He whips that thing out in the Congressional bathroom there's no tellin' what could happen."<br />
<br />
"Holy shit. You're right! Okay. Here's the plan. Steve Scalise takes a shower with his clothes on and he wears Depends when he's on the Hill."<br />
<br />
"Well, that'll work. Louis, you always figure it out, ol' hoss. Jose! Can you get us some more chips and salsa, son? That stuff's hotter'n fire but it sure is good!"<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2015 Kona Lowell</span><br />
<br />Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-49116813970487586672014-12-20T16:51:00.001-08:002014-12-20T16:52:11.934-08:00Audio Konajournal / Teaching Pigs to Sing 12-18-14<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VM5TuVfLmMU&feature=youtu.be">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VM5TuVfLmMU&feature=youtu.be</a>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-15204262048683155422014-12-18T14:38:00.000-08:002014-12-18T14:38:43.583-08:00Teaching Pigs to SingI have this motto I live by that originates with the late, great author, Robert Heinlein: <i>Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.</i><br />
<br />
Well, the other night at my local watering hole I broke this sacred rule. See, there's this guy (I'll call him Bob) who is always trying to lure me into a political discussion. I have always avoided this because I know he's a Republican. Don't ask me how I know. I can just smell it.<br />
<br />
Any way, after several drinks he was still goading me, so I said, "Bob, I don't want to discuss politics with you because you're a Republican, and it's impossible to have an intelligent conversation with someone who doesn't accept facts as reality."<br />
<br />
"Well, facts are questionable."<br />
<br />
"No," I said, "that's what makes them <i>facts</i>."<br />
<br />
"Not really."<br />
<br />
At this point I was already kicking myself for going this far and scanning the bar for an empty stool. There were none. So I made one more attempt to at least get him to acknowledge the existence of facts.<br />
<br />
"Look," I said, "it's 8:30. It's dark out. That's a fact."<br />
<br />
"Right."<br />
<br />
"It is also a fact that under Obama we've had 57 straight months of private sector job growth."<br />
<br />
"Well, I don't know." <br />
<br />
"Look," I said with some impatience, "it's a fact. You can look it up."<br />
<br />
"Well it depends where you look it up."<br />
<br />
"Do you watch the news?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, I watch Fox News.They're great."<br />
<br />
"So there's your problem," I replied, "There have been several studies done that show Fox News viewers are actually less informed than people who watch no news at all." <br />
<br />
"I don't believe that."<br />
<br />
"Of course you don't," I muttered.<br />
<br />
Tired of punching myself in the face, I decided to put an end to this futility and finish my drink.<br />
<br />
"See," I said, "this is why I don't argue with Republicans." <br />
<br />
"I'm an Independent."<br />
<br />
Well goddamn it.<br />
<br />
"Oh really," I said, "Who was the last Democrat you voted for?"<br />
<br />
"I don't remember. Hey, what do you think about Dr. Ben Carson?" <br />
<br />
"Ben Carson?" I said, doing a spit take with the last of my vodka rocks, "He's a shit head!"<br />
<br />
"No he isn't!"<br />
<br />
"Ben Carson is the Republican equivalent of Stephen Colbert taking a selfie with his 'Black friend.' They think it proves they don't hate Black folks." Actually, I did use the N word here for maximum effect.<br />
<br />
"He's a neurosurgeon."<br />
<br />
"Yeah, and he also compared Obamacare to slavery!"<br />
<br />
"Well, he meant that it would get like that and the unions are ruining jobs and blah, blah blah..." <br />
<br />
At this point I actually put my fingers in my ears and started singing "La la la la." I got up abruptly from my bar stool and went outside to have a smoke, sadly missing Bob's scintillating explanation of why Dr. Ben Carson is a combination of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Jesus. I waited outside until I was certain he had finished talking then resumed my seat at the bar. Fortunately, my friend Phil came up and started talking football and Bob found someone else to irritate: my wife, God love her.<br />
<br />
As Phil and I were arguing the finer points of the West Coast Offense as opposed to the critical importance of a franchise running back like Demarco Murray, I could hear my wife behind me saying over and over "I don't want to talk about it, Bob!"<br />
<br />
Which is exactly what I should have said in the first place. Heinlein was right.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2014 Kona Lowell</span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-47348013321125249142014-11-28T13:58:00.000-08:002014-12-01T17:21:32.802-08:00It Isn't Easy Being WhiteFerguson, MO. Today <i>Konajournal </i>is on the streets of Ferguson, Missouri. It has been mostly peaceful so far, but a lot of people are still out here making their feelings known, carrying signs, holding their hands in the air and spontaneously singing protests songs from time to time. Let's talk to someone if we can. Here's one.<br />
<br />
"Hello, sir. I'm with <i>Konajournal</i>. I've just arrived here in Missouri from the Aloha State, Hawaii. May I ask you a few questions?"<br />
<br />
"It's Missour-uh. So you come from Hawaiiuh? That's a far piece."<br />
<br />
"It's Hawaii, or Ha-VAI-ii, and yes it is. I noticed your sign: DARREN WILSON FOR PRESIDENT. Obviously you do not share the view of most of the protesters that he should be held accountable for Michael Brown's death."<br />
<br />
"They oughta give that boy a medal the size of a dinner plate! No tellin' what that colored boy was gonna do next. Ya know he was seven foot tall and 400 pounds. Eyes like a damn cat. I seen him before. He couldn't even feel them bullets! Scary sumbitch."<br />
<br />
"He was a large kid, yes. But Officer Wilson is retiring. He's received over a million dollars in donations."<br />
<br />
"Damn right. We minorities stick together."<br />
<br />
"Minority?"<br />
<br />
"Hell yes. We white folks is the minority right here. We gotta look after one another."<br />
<br />
"Well the police and the town government and the courts seem to be predominantly white." <br />
<br />
"Well sure. That's how we look after one another. See, us white folks is getting squeezed out. First they git Black History Month. Then Martin Luther King Day. Then they git that sumbitch, Obama, all the way from Africa to be the damn President. Now they git Black Friday. What do we git?"<br />
<br />
"Well..."<br />
<br />
"They even git Black Entertainment Television! Why don't we git White Entertainment Television?"<br />
<br />
"Because most television IS white entertainment?"<br />
<br />
"Naw, that ain't it. I'll tell you what, too. You seen any white folks riotin' after O. J. got let off? Nope!"<br />
<br />
"Well, that's not really the same thing. But it is true that the cops planted evidence and lied in that case, too."<br />
<br />
"Had to! Now looky here, how come there's so many colored folks in prison? I'll tell ya. Crime comes natural to 'em. Can't help it. Just the way they are."<br />
<br />
"So you think that if Michael Brown had been white Officer Wilson would have shot him?"<br />
<br />
"Hell no! He woulda had a talk with that boy's daddy. Yes sir. You seen Michael Brown's daddy? He's 8 feet tall, close ta 500 pounds! Eyes like a damn bat!"<br />
<br />
"Well, thank you, sir. You've made my trip to Missouri a success."<br />
<br />
"It's Missour-UH. You headin' back to Hawaaiuh?"<br />
<br />
"It's Hawai-EE And I'll pronounce it Missour-UH when you start spelling it that way."<br />
<br />
"We do."<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2014 Kona Lowell</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Go <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZAuaitwe_Q&feature=share">here </a>for an audio version of this blog </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/shenderson19">Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.</a></span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-86642138569246466592014-11-14T15:17:00.004-08:002014-11-14T17:42:19.114-08:00Republicans Working for YOU, the Little GuyWashington, DC. With the people having spoken — well, one third of those registered to vote any way — the Republicans now have the wind at their backs and the self confidence that comes from knowing that they are doing the will of the American people. And now that they are set to control both houses of Congress, they can get down to making life better for all of us. I know this is the plan, because they said so. I'm still a bit unclear on why when <i>they </i>win, it's the will of the American people and when <i>we </i>win it's in spite of the will of the American people, but never mind.<br />
<br />
So to help you, the little guy, the Republicans are going to create gazillions of jobs and make the economy grow like a gigantic, indestructible dandelion. I know, because they said so. But how to do this?<br />
<br />
Well, first you repeal Obamacare. I know, I know, this isn't exactly what everyone had in mind, especially the ten million Americans who now have health coverage and would have to go back to frequenting the ER and, well, dying, but you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Besides, Obamacare is a "job killer." I know, because they said so. So if all these people lose their health coverage, we will be literally drowning in unfilled, good paying jobs quicker than you can say "pre-existing condition." And, by the way, omelets are very tasty.<br />
<br />
Next, build the Keystone XL pipeline. And gut the EPA, because you can't give with one hand and take away with the other. The benefits of this bold move will be twofold: first, tens of hundreds of temporary jobs will be created building the pipeline, but many more are sure to become available in future ecological disasters. And with the job-killing EPA neutered, titans of industry will be free to recreate the glory days of the industrial revolution. Everybody had a job back then, even children. And who knows? Before long, all of us may be driving hybrid cars! Half gas, half coal. Any way, climate change is a hoax. I know, because they said so. Clean air and water are so 1970.<br />
<br />
Of course the key to real, lasting prosperity is privatization. I know, because they said so. And where better to start than that white elephant the founding fathers burdened us with, that costly anachronism known as the United States Post Office. I mean, letters? Who writes letters? Okay, so the USPS doesn't get any tax money to operate and thousands of employees would lose their jobs, but it's the principle of the thing. After that we can privatize the police. And the Fire Department. That means none of your tax dollars being wasted doing what the free market can cheerfully do. It'll be just like paying for cable, with similar service.<br />
<br />
Finally, the economy will get its biggest jump start by impeaching the Job-Killer in Chief, President Obama, for the high crime of issuing an executive order to deal with the immigration crisis while being tauntingly Black. Then they'll shut down the government. How this will actually improve the economy or create jobs is a bit unclear, but I know it will because they said so. I think it's like severely wounding a fruit tree to make it produce. Or something.<br />
<br />
The American people have spoken, and now it's up to the Republican Party to reward us for our trust. I know they won't let us down, because they said so. Now just relax, this won't hurt a bit.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2014 Kona Lowell </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/shenderson19">Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.</a> </span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-27247937888556630172014-11-07T14:59:00.001-08:002014-11-07T14:59:04.213-08:00WTF Happened? The 2014 Post-MortemWashington, DC. Fingers are already being pointed and blame assigned as Democrats attempt to determine exactly why they had their butts handed to them like perfectly broiled filet mignons on 500 degree sizzling plates. What was supposed to be just a bad election night proved to be an embarrassing rout and portends nothing but more obstruction, inevitable caving, endless investigations and possible impeachment for the final two years of President Obama's term. Why did this happen?<br />
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<b>1. Messaging</b>. Yes, it's true that the Democrats are god-awful at trumpeting their accomplishments and that the Republicans are wizards at lying through their teeth about those accomplishments. Unemployment is down to 5.8 %, 10 million jobs have been created, the deficit has been cut in half, the stock market is at record levels, more than 10 million Americans have health insurance that never had it before and the cost of medical care has risen at the lowest rate in 50 years. Things are looking better every day, yet more than 70% of the country thinks that <i>nothing </i>has changed and that the Republicans know best how to turn the economy around. Yes, Americans believe that the very people who caused this mess, the party that historically tanks the economy every fucking time they're in charge, will do better than the party that actually <i>fixed </i>it.<br />
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So certainly the Democratic message has failed to reach people. Factor in Fox News' 24-7 propaganda machine, as well as right-wing talk radio and a craven mainstream media, and it takes a gargantuan megaphone to counter that endless barrage of lies and misinformation. But it can be done and the message must be very simple, because we obviously live a pathetically stupid country. I suggest that Democrats in the future emulate Tarzan's grade-level of speech. Like this:<br />
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"We save economy. You get food. Not die. Republicans try kill you. Take job. We give you job. Give you big medicine. You friend. We help. We friend."<br />
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But this isn't why we lost. <br />
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<b>2. Cowardice.</b> Yes, watching Democrats distance themselves — no, make that run like scalded cats — from the President and his policies so they could hopefully gain the votes of ignorant fucking rednecks was cringe-inducing. Even worse, it didn't work because you're still dealing with ignorant fucking rednecks. Ever notice that people show up for Obama rallies? Like, in droves? And you punted on that? You're not just a coward, you're a fucking idiot. In a pink tutu. <br />
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So next time, remember that only trying to appeal to card-carrying members of the Sons of the Confederacy tends to alienate your base that isn't white, stupid and nearing extinction.<br />
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But this isn't why we lost. <br />
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<b>3: Republican Dirty Tricks.</b> Sure, the Republicans are lying, cheating, scum-sucking pigs. Everyone knows that. From voter-suppression laws to gerrymandering to patently false TV ads, there is no bottom to their barrel. They have no morals, no empathy, only an eternal, gnawing lust for power. And not for power to actually govern, just power.<br />
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But this isn't why we lost.<br />
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<b>4. Voter Turnout</b>. Midterm elections have notoriously bad voter turnout. This one was no exception, with two thirds of registered voters deciding they had better things to do than have a say in their own future. Millions of single women decided that the loss of the right to an abortion or even birth control wasn't worth the effort involved in actually voting. Millions of Blacks decided they could live with Jim Crow laws and more
Fergusons. Millions of union workers who sat there with their thumbs up their asses decided that being plain old "workers" maybe wasn't so bad after all. Millions of young people who sat on the
sidelines figured a drive to the school cafeteria was more hassle than $100,000 in student loan debt. Millions of Latinos who couldn't
get motivated said adios to the Dream Act. Millions of gays who couldn't be
bothered decided to trust that Republicans really just adore marriage equality. And millions of of people with first-time health coverage just couldn't get up off the couch to cast a ballot to keep it.<br />
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One could blame this appalling apathy on the above excuses: bad messaging, cowardly candidates and Republican dirty tricks. Or one could simply blame the hundreds of millions of lazy, stupid Americans, the vast majority of whom are directly benefiting from Democratic policies, who stayed home and let other people, people who want to destroy those policies, decide their future and the future of this nation. <br />
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I'll go with that. <br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2014 Kona Lowell</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/shenderson19">Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.</a> </span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-22693192452695713852014-10-31T18:08:00.004-07:002014-11-01T13:52:07.934-07:00Konajournal's Handy Guide for Undecided VotersWith the midterm elections just four days away, we at <i>Konajournal </i>have assembled a short questionnaire to assist undecided voters in making an informed choice in this most crucial vote. We believe that all citizens, whatever their race, economic status, gender or age have the right to have their voices heard at the ballot box and indeed the responsibility to make them heard.<br />
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Circle the numbers that best describe you. We will tally results at the conclusion.<br />
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1. You believe that voter fraud is rampant and that the only way to guarantee the integrity of the vote is to disenfranchise as many Blacks, Latinos, young people, seniors, women and habitual Democratic voters as is humanly possible. You also disagree with the opening paragraph.<br />
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2. When George W. Bush took office in 2001, he immediately eliminated the budget surplus President Clinton had left him, tanked the economy, presided over the loss of millions of jobs, started two unfunded wars that cost over 2 trillion dollars and left hundreds of thousands dead while alienating almost the entire world. You refer to this era of American history as "the good old days."<br />
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3. You see war as an international football game with guided missiles and enjoy rooting for your team from a safe distance. You also believe that the American military, like a football team, gets rusty during a bye week and therefore should be eternally at war with somebody. Anybody. Plus it's more exciting than NASCAR.<br />
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4. You are a devout Christian and believe that the Bible is the error-free word of God, except for the mistranslation in the gospel of Matthew that has Jesus riding a donkey into Jerusalem instead of a triceratops. And all the verses about helping the poor and sick.<br />
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5. You think that science is overrated, and are willing to take Sarah Palin's word for it that the climate change hoax is just an effete liberal plot designed to take away your muscle car.<br />
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6. Corporations are people. And Mitt Romney is <i>not </i>an animatronic replica of a human being designed to accumulate vast sums of wealth by any means necessary, but an actual human being. And that's his real laugh.<br />
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7. Providing health care coverage for 10,000,000 Americans who never had it before will only encourage them to live longer.<br />
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8. To protect the weaker sex, all abortion and birth control must be illegal. Abstinence is the only legitimate means of preventing pregnancy, unless you're at the Republican National Convention.<br />
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9. There is no such thing as too many guns. And they make great stocking stuffers.<br />
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10. God created Black people to entertain us, <i>not </i>govern us.<br />
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11. The Koch brothers are selfless, patriotic Americans who spend gazillions to improve the lives of the little guys.<br />
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12. You use the "n" word when referring to President Obama but are definitely <i>not </i>a racist. It's a Southern term of endearment, like "bubba."<br />
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13. You think your state should secede from the Union and this time it will not result in a humiliating, pathetic ass-kicking because you have an extra pair of shoes.<br />
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14. You like the cut of Mitch McConnell's jib.<br />
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15. You are Black, Latino, a union worker, a woman, gay, middle class, a student, make under $150,000 per year and are not an asshole.<br />
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If statements 1 through 14 describe you, you should vote Republican. If statement 15 best describes you, you should vote Democratic.<br />
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If you are still unsure, you're an Independent.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2014 Kona Lowell</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/shenderson19">Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.</a> </span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4539900314428864780.post-19709845071250082272014-10-23T17:13:00.005-07:002014-10-25T12:49:26.447-07:00Land of the Free, Home of the Scared ShitlessWashington, DC. Republicans may not have any new ideas or policies that would benefit the middle class. They may not have any candidates that appeal to Blacks, Latinos, the LGBT community, union workers, young people or single women. But yet there they are, poised to take control of the Senate, retain the House and make President Obama's last two years in office an exercise in abject futility, while gleefully euthanizing anything that even smells a bit like progressivism.<br />
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What is their secret? Well, besides heavily gerrymandered districts and SCOTUS-backed voter suppression, it's really not a secret and it's nothing new. It is the exact same thing they have enticed voters with for years: unreasoning, slobbering, paralyzing fear.<br />
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This is brilliant, because there's always something to be afraid of, and apparently about half of us are ridiculously easy to terrify. In fact, one of the first tenets of conservativism is to be fearful of that scariest monster under the bed of them all: change. Yes, Obama's campaign slogan alone was enough to cause millions of Republicans nationwide to piss in their pants at the same time.<br />
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Of course there is nothing scarier for Republicans than a Black president. That is change at its very worst. It smacks of equality and puts the unhealthy notion in the heads of little Black kids everywhere that they, too, might be able to rise above their predetermined station in life and succeed. At anything.<br />
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But there's always more than race to send Republicans scurrying under the bed in blind, convulsive terror. Gays are going to ruin marriage, and of course bring about the downfall of Western civilization. Never mind that they helped mightily in building it. Or that Christianity is under siege. I remember one church bombing. It was committed by people who called themselves Christians. Or Obamacare is going to turn us into Socialist Europe. Cool! Do we get wine with breakfast? Or that the Democrats are going to take your guns away. I wish they would. People suffering with delusions and paranoia should not be heavily armed. But they won't.<br />
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Then there are those very frightening brown-skinned people way over there in countries most of us can't find on a map that practice the wrong religion and don't seem to appreciate us slaughtering them for no particularly good reason. Republicans are convinced that any one of these barely functioning Western constructs is poised for World Domination and that every petty despot is the second coming of ol' Adolph.<br />
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Which is why Rep. Tom Cotton (R-AR) is convinced that ISIS "could infiltrate our defenseless border and attack us right here in places like Arkansas." Sure. I can just hear al-Baghdadi telling his few thousand irregulars, "Today Little Rock, tomorrow the world!"<br />
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Now of course we have the horrifying Ebola virus to complete the nightmare scenario Republicans love to masturbate to. And even though Rush Limbaugh has had more wives than we've had infected patients, Rep. Tom Tillis (R-NC) says that "We've got an Ebola outbreak...we need to seal the border and secure it!"<br />
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Note to Border Sealers: The United States shares 5,525 miles of border with Canada. We share 1,989 miles with Mexico. And just for shits and giggles, we have 95,471 miles of coastline. And your plan is?<br />
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It doesn't matter. It's all about the fear. It's all about herding their cowardly base to the polls. It doesn't have to make sense. There is no real action required, or any to be taken. It's just about making stupid people believe they'll die if they don't vote for you.<br />
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Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. And fear itself is all the Republicans need.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">©2014 Kona Lowell</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/shenderson19">Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.</a> </span>Kona Lowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11270913288935029684noreply@blogger.com0