Fort Viagradale, FL. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh has apparently reversed his opinion of Newt Gingrich and is showing positive signs of supporting his candidacy. Said Limbaugh Monday:
"Who was the last person to actually cut government? Who was the last
person who actually led a movement that balanced the federal budget?
Who was the person that did that? You're not gonna
take a guess? That's right, it was Mr. Newt! The last guy who gave us a
balanced budget. Now, there are a lot of other Republicans
involved...but Gingrich was Speaker. The last time this budget was - the
last time there was true welfare reform, the last time government was
cut, Gingrich did it."
Gingrich said he appreciated the endorsement and that he had always admired El Rushbo for his values and patriotism.
"Rush is a man who believes strongly in the sanctity of marriage, just as I do,"said the former Speaker, "In fact he feels so strongly about it that he has sanctified himself four times. I'm only on number three, but the odds are I'll catch up with him.
"He is also a patriot, choosing not to endanger his country and other troops by serving with an anal cyst in Vietnam, just as I chose the better part of valor, or as my own website states: Gingrich received a draft deferment
during the Vietnam War owing to the fact that he was studying at the
time in Tulane University and he had children. In addition, he was also
impaired with short-sightedness and had flat feet (pes planus).
"But as one can see, these issues have not kept me from amassing huge piles of cash and clawing my way to the top of the Republican heap. Whereas short-sightedness might be a handicap in some situations, in the GOP it is a positive boon. And my flat feet keep me from tipping over due to my vast bulk."
Mr. Limbaugh also praised Gingrich for his abrasive, mean-spirited, Sherman's-march-to-the-sea approach to politics, saying, "Newt and I have proven once and for all that fat, pasty white guys aren't all just jolly fun. You want nice, vote for fucking Santa Claus."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Rick Perry, Christmas is All Around You
In his new and desperate ad, Rick Perry contends that gays can serve in the military, but children can't celebrate Christmas. Excuse me, but Christmas has been going on for about a month now. He needs to get out more.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Rick Santorum's Best Choice
Richard John "Rick" Santorum made one fortunate choice in his life for which I am sure he gives thanks daily: he chose to go by Rick instead of Dick. Imagine the googling.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
GOP to Shorten "Conservative" to "Evil."
Washington, DC. After months of closed-door meetings, Republicans have agreed to shorten the term "conservative" to the simpler and easier to spell word "evil."
"Look, it's just too damn long," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), "The Tea Party guys that make the signs always get it wrong. Same with "Constitution." You could teach a monkey to spell 'evil.' They'll love it."
"It's not only a hard word to spell," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "It's tough to live up to it. The word 'conservative' implies that one is conserving something. That's not only hard to do, we don't want to do it. We don't conserve anything. That sounds like tree-hugging. That's not us.
"Look, we like war. We don't like poor people or middle class people or anyone who makes under a million a year. We don't like minorities and we aren't that crazy about women, except for the obvious reason. We don't care if you get sick and die because you can't afford health insurance. We don't care if you have a job or if your kids are hungry. We hate gay people, except the ones in the closet in our own party. We don't care if the planet survives the pollution we've churned out for years. We ruined Christianity for everyone. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We're basically evil, so we may as well just go with it.
"The only problem is we've told our base that liberals are evil, so we will have to really work to take back that mantle. But I'm certain we have the people who can do it. You've seen our candidates."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"Look, it's just too damn long," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), "The Tea Party guys that make the signs always get it wrong. Same with "Constitution." You could teach a monkey to spell 'evil.' They'll love it."
"It's not only a hard word to spell," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "It's tough to live up to it. The word 'conservative' implies that one is conserving something. That's not only hard to do, we don't want to do it. We don't conserve anything. That sounds like tree-hugging. That's not us.
"Look, we like war. We don't like poor people or middle class people or anyone who makes under a million a year. We don't like minorities and we aren't that crazy about women, except for the obvious reason. We don't care if you get sick and die because you can't afford health insurance. We don't care if you have a job or if your kids are hungry. We hate gay people, except the ones in the closet in our own party. We don't care if the planet survives the pollution we've churned out for years. We ruined Christianity for everyone. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We're basically evil, so we may as well just go with it.
"The only problem is we've told our base that liberals are evil, so we will have to really work to take back that mantle. But I'm certain we have the people who can do it. You've seen our candidates."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Monday, December 5, 2011
Scaring Frank Luntz Shitless
Last week in Orlando, Florida, Republican strategist (propagandist) Frank Luntz said, right before soiling himself, "I'm so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I'm frightened to
death. They're having an impact on what the American people think of
capitalism."
So to counter this, the ever-amoral Luntz changed his shorts, rubbed his hind legs together and came up with a plan, comprised of phrases for Republicans to use to neutralize the message of the 99%.
For example, he advises the other amoral people who constitute the GOP to use the phrase "economic freedom" instead of "capitalism," say "take from the rich" instead of "tax the rich," say "hardworking taxpayers" instead of "middle class," say "career" instead of "job," say "waste" instead of "government spending," say "job creator" instead of "entrepreneur" and finally say "pay for performance" instead of "bonus."
In addition to torturing language and meaning, Luntz also suggested that Republicans never admit to being willing to compromise, never mention sacrifice and most importantly, always blame Washington.
It seems to me that we can do the same thing. Here are a few suggestions:
Instead of "capitalism or "economic freedom," use "unrelenting, slavering, predatory greed." Accompany this phrase as often as possible with a picture of hyenas devouring an antelope carcase.
Instead of "take from the rich" or "tax the rich" use "make those selfish, greedy mothefuckers pay their fair share." Accompany as often as possible with a picture of a French revolutionary holding up a freshly guillotine-severed head.
Instead of "hardworking taxpayers" or "middle class" use "Americans." It is after all 99% of the fucking country we're talking about here. Accompany with a picture of humans.
Instead of "career" or "job" use "work." This will really bother the Republicans. It implies effort. Sweat. Accompany with a picture of a buff, shirtless guy using a jack hammer. This will really piss 50% of them off and excite the other 50%.
Instead of "waste" or "government spending" use "good government," or "government for the people" as long as the money being spent contributes to the health and welfare of the population. We put this money in their hands, by the way, so spending it on services, programs and initiatives that benefit us is the entire point of government.
Instead of "job creators" or "entrepreneurs" use "bloated, life-sucking parasites." Include a picture of some sort of nauseatingly grotesque intestinal worm whenever possible.
Instead of "bonus" or "pay for performance" use "undeserved multi-million dollar blowjob." Accompany this with a picture of laid off workers being thrown out of their homes and another of sweat shops in China.
As for Luntz's other points, demonstrate often how Democrats have tried to compromise to no avail, uphold self-sacrifice as the virtue it truly is (mention Jesus if necessary, they claim to know him) and blame the guilty in Washington, not the ones who are actually trying to accomplish the will of the people.
The GOP does not play fair. They never have, they never will. They have controlled the message for too long. It's time we not only took off the pink tutus, it's time we fought back. We don't need guns. We have the truth. Let's beat them to a bloody, shapeless pulp with it.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
So to counter this, the ever-amoral Luntz changed his shorts, rubbed his hind legs together and came up with a plan, comprised of phrases for Republicans to use to neutralize the message of the 99%.
For example, he advises the other amoral people who constitute the GOP to use the phrase "economic freedom" instead of "capitalism," say "take from the rich" instead of "tax the rich," say "hardworking taxpayers" instead of "middle class," say "career" instead of "job," say "waste" instead of "government spending," say "job creator" instead of "entrepreneur" and finally say "pay for performance" instead of "bonus."
In addition to torturing language and meaning, Luntz also suggested that Republicans never admit to being willing to compromise, never mention sacrifice and most importantly, always blame Washington.
It seems to me that we can do the same thing. Here are a few suggestions:
Instead of "capitalism or "economic freedom," use "unrelenting, slavering, predatory greed." Accompany this phrase as often as possible with a picture of hyenas devouring an antelope carcase.
Instead of "take from the rich" or "tax the rich" use "make those selfish, greedy mothefuckers pay their fair share." Accompany as often as possible with a picture of a French revolutionary holding up a freshly guillotine-severed head.
Instead of "hardworking taxpayers" or "middle class" use "Americans." It is after all 99% of the fucking country we're talking about here. Accompany with a picture of humans.
Instead of "career" or "job" use "work." This will really bother the Republicans. It implies effort. Sweat. Accompany with a picture of a buff, shirtless guy using a jack hammer. This will really piss 50% of them off and excite the other 50%.
Instead of "waste" or "government spending" use "good government," or "government for the people" as long as the money being spent contributes to the health and welfare of the population. We put this money in their hands, by the way, so spending it on services, programs and initiatives that benefit us is the entire point of government.
Instead of "job creators" or "entrepreneurs" use "bloated, life-sucking parasites." Include a picture of some sort of nauseatingly grotesque intestinal worm whenever possible.
Instead of "bonus" or "pay for performance" use "undeserved multi-million dollar blowjob." Accompany this with a picture of laid off workers being thrown out of their homes and another of sweat shops in China.
As for Luntz's other points, demonstrate often how Democrats have tried to compromise to no avail, uphold self-sacrifice as the virtue it truly is (mention Jesus if necessary, they claim to know him) and blame the guilty in Washington, not the ones who are actually trying to accomplish the will of the people.
The GOP does not play fair. They never have, they never will. They have controlled the message for too long. It's time we not only took off the pink tutus, it's time we fought back. We don't need guns. We have the truth. Let's beat them to a bloody, shapeless pulp with it.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Friday, December 2, 2011
Elephants Lobby to Change GOP Logo
Washington, DC. African elephants have finally decided that they are tired of the GOP using them as their symbol and have organized to have the famous Thomas Nast logo changed. Elephants Against the Republican Logo (EARL) sent their chairman, Jumbo, to Washington this week to discuss their demands.
"Look, no one asked us if we wanted to be the symbol of the Republican Party," Jumbo stated to reporters, "The fact is, none of us would even think of being a Republican.
"First of all, we're highly intelligent. Secondly, we're compassionate. We love our all our children. We all take care of everyone in the clan, even our dead. And even though we're very powerful and can be quite fierce, we're dedicated vegetarians. We are pacifists by nature. We would fit in the GOP about like a lion at a cat show.
"So we are asking the Republican Party to come up with a logo less offensive to our sensibilities. The hyena would be a good one, or maybe a jackal. The vulture would also be a very effective and logical logo."
"Jumbo, am I correct in saying that your group is composed entirely of African elephants, not Indian?"
"That's right, Chuck. The Indian elephants are not involved. I believe they are still hoping to get some of the benefits of outsourcing."
"Do you really believe you can get the GOP to change what has been their logo since 1874?"
"Well, David, we can only try. But I can tell you this: we never forget. That trait alone makes us totally unsuitable as Republicans. And, by the way, I actually was born in Kenya."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"Look, no one asked us if we wanted to be the symbol of the Republican Party," Jumbo stated to reporters, "The fact is, none of us would even think of being a Republican.
"First of all, we're highly intelligent. Secondly, we're compassionate. We love our all our children. We all take care of everyone in the clan, even our dead. And even though we're very powerful and can be quite fierce, we're dedicated vegetarians. We are pacifists by nature. We would fit in the GOP about like a lion at a cat show.
"So we are asking the Republican Party to come up with a logo less offensive to our sensibilities. The hyena would be a good one, or maybe a jackal. The vulture would also be a very effective and logical logo."
"Jumbo, am I correct in saying that your group is composed entirely of African elephants, not Indian?"
"That's right, Chuck. The Indian elephants are not involved. I believe they are still hoping to get some of the benefits of outsourcing."
"Do you really believe you can get the GOP to change what has been their logo since 1874?"
"Well, David, we can only try. But I can tell you this: we never forget. That trait alone makes us totally unsuitable as Republicans. And, by the way, I actually was born in Kenya."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Prostitute Denies Hooking, Claims to Be Historian
Washington, DC. A local prostitute with several prior arrests has denied that she was engaged in the world's oldest profession and is in fact a historian. The woman, who goes by Candy Apple, claims that she was hired by a local area man for what was not in fact a stag party but a seminar on the history of sex around the world.
"I was hired for my expertise on this subject and to give advice to the husband-to-be due to my experience as an insider. The gentlemen in attendance simply paid the fee for the seminar."
Ms. Apple said that the class included French, Thai and Greek history as well as a lengthy segment on missionaries around the world. She was arrested before she could begin her oral quiz on the Kama Sutra.
"Look, I'm going to be really direct, OK? I can make $60,000 for a weekend trip to Aruba with any number of congressmen here. This was a historical seminar. It's just ridiculous."
Ms. Apple was released on bail, as was the groom.
"This seminar was even better than Tony Robbins!" said John Doe, "And my feet aren't sore. I never knew history could be so fucking hot. I'm buying the tapes."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"I was hired for my expertise on this subject and to give advice to the husband-to-be due to my experience as an insider. The gentlemen in attendance simply paid the fee for the seminar."
Ms. Apple said that the class included French, Thai and Greek history as well as a lengthy segment on missionaries around the world. She was arrested before she could begin her oral quiz on the Kama Sutra.
"Look, I'm going to be really direct, OK? I can make $60,000 for a weekend trip to Aruba with any number of congressmen here. This was a historical seminar. It's just ridiculous."
Ms. Apple was released on bail, as was the groom.
"This seminar was even better than Tony Robbins!" said John Doe, "And my feet aren't sore. I never knew history could be so fucking hot. I'm buying the tapes."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
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