Unhitchensed

A thought on the passing of Christopher Hitchens. I found myself in fervent agreement with him on some issues and just as diametrically opposed on others, but I always enjoyed the way he framed his thoughts, whether I agreed or not. I was always thankful that I was not the victim of his wit.

Hitchens was a true master of the English language. An artist. He used words the way Joshua Bell uses a violin or Jeff Beck a guitar. It was effortless, humbling, exhilarating and managed without a trace of self-consciousness. It was as if he himself had created the language, fashioned the words, such was his comfort level in wielding it.

When I was younger, William F. Buckley held me spellbound by his mastery of language, although I rarely agreed with him on anything at all. I remember the first time he referred to someone "ventilating their opinion." I think I just sat there and savored it, like a mouthful of a particularly fine vintage. I was always disappointed that he wasn't on our side.

Hitchens didn't have a side. He was rough on everyone, even himself. Watching some replays of old interviews today, I found myself just shaking my head at his uncanny, easy brilliance. I will never be that adept, that nimble with this thing we use to communicate. But I at least have a target to aim for.

Thank you, Christopher Hitchens.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

U.S. Unhappy with China Tariffs, Holds Breath

Guangzhou, China. The Chinese government angered the Obama administration Wednesday evening by imposing surprise tariffs on imports of sport utility vehicles and midsize and large cars from America. While mostly a symbolic move, since these vehicles cost several times more in China than in the U.S., the new tariffs are likely to further strain the already tense trade relations. The White House also announced plans to appeal to the WTO to investigate China's restrictions on broiler chickens. Said Carol Guthrie, a spokeswoman for the Office of the United States Trade Representative:

“We are very disappointed in this action by China. We will be discussing this latest action with both our stakeholders and Congress to determine the best course going forward. In the meantime, we plan to hold our breath until we turn blue."

John E. Bryson, Secretary of the Department of Commerce met with reporters in Washington, D.C. today to discuss the stalemate:

"We are not at all pleased with this new attempt by the Chinese to restrict our SUV imports," said Secretary Bryson, "not to mention our chickens, and therefore we are not going to import any more Chinese SUV's. Oh wait. Shit. Okay, scratch that. Bob, what shitty little country with weak defenses and people who look Chinese can we attack?"

"Myanmar?"

"Used to be Burma, right? Okay then, Myanmar, you're asking for it."

Meanwhile, Chinese officials launched a formal protest with the WTO against U.S. piracy of kung fu films and romantic movies in which everyone dies.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Draws Feds' Ire with Prank Calls

Phoenix, AZ. Maricopa County Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, may finally have crossed the line with the Department of Justice. Arpaio, known for his tough immigration stance has been under investigation for the past two years and has now been cut off from access to the immigration data base.

Thomas E. Perez, assistant attorney general for civil rights, said that over 400 interviews were conducted that revealed a pattern of abuse and harassment directed at the Latino population. In addition, sex crimes against Latinos were not investigated and the sheriff himself had distributed racially-charged literature, supported anti-immigrant candidates and acted with utter disregard and scorn towards the Latino community.

But it was Arpaio's telephone pranks that finally proved too much.

"Calling up bodegas repeatedly and asking if they have Prince Albert in a can and phoning people with Hispanic surnames during dinner and asking them if their refrigerator is running is just beyond the pale," said Perez. "There is a limit to the cruelty we will abide."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Bill O'Reilly Dumbfounded

Recently, Fox host Bill O'Reilly was flabbergasted to learn, from Alan Colmes, that the U.S. military is run by the U.S. government. While discussing the government's ability to run health care, the following exchange took place:

“Can they run the military?” Colmes asked.

O’Reilly replied: “They can’t run the military because it’s military controlled, not civilian.”

“That’s government run, it’s still the government doing it,” Colmes countered.
“But the Pentagon calls the shots,” he said.
“But the commander-in-chief is a civilian, the government runs the military well,” Colmes insisted.
“That is wrong,” O’Reilly said. “The Pentagon calls the shots on how the military operates. The Pentagon is military people.”
“That’s the government,” Colmes said. “It’s the government, it’s still the government.”
O’Reilly concluded: “They work for and the government running it are two different things.”

So today O'Reilly was entirely gobsmacked when Colmes sent the following email:

Just wanted to tell you, Bill, that Joe Biden is President of the Senate.

O'Reilly addressed this today on the Factor:

"Okay, look, this is nuts. There can't be two presidents. Obama is the President and Biden is the Vice President. Are you trying to tell me we have two? Two presidents? What kind of pinhead are you? There is no such thing as President of the Senate!"

O'Reilly was later corrected by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who told him this was in fact the case. Sanitation workers are nearly finished with the task of removing the last skull fragments and traces of brain matter from the studio walls.

Said Alan Colmes, "I was just trying to be helpful. I was originally going to tell him that Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast while having his cranium rubbed with vaseline*, but I thought it would make Bill's head explode. Damn. Who knew?"

*Actually true.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

The Republicans are Headed for Disaster...

... and as a good American, I will do my part to help them reach their destination.

The Republican House...

...is like an evil day nursery without a teacher.

Native Americans Angered at Gingrich "Invented People" Remark

Washington, DC. The National Congress of American Indians has expressed outrage at former Speaker and Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's recent remarks made this weekend in an interview with WorldNetDaily. Said Mr. Gingrich:

"Indians are an invented people. There is no such thing as 'American Indians.' They never even called themselves 'Indians' until Christopher Columbus mistakenly believed he was in the West Indies and called them Indians. In fact, they are not 'Native Americans' either as they are not from North America, but from Asia, having migrated to the continent in the last ice age by a land bridge in the Bering Strait. If they don't like being here they should go back to China."

Asked if they intend to pursue a formal protest, NCAI president Jefferson Keel said that it was unlikely, but that this sort of revisionist history was unhelpful and hurtful to Native Americans.

"As we say in Chickasaw, 'Himmaka' nittakookano hattak yokasht toksalicha'nikat ki'yo. Hattak mómakat ittíllawwi bíyyi'kacha nanna mómaka ittibaachaffa'hitok.' This means 'All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.' But Newt Gingrich is a shithead."

© 2011 Kona Lowell