Burning Cross, SC. This morning GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney raised eyebrows when he appeared on Fox & Friends in blackface makeup. Said the former governor, "I just want to show African-Americans that I understand their issues and am sympathetic. You know, my father marched with Martin Luther King, but in a different location and at a different time. And I no longer believe that black people are the accursed seed of Cain.
"So tonight before the debate, my family will have our traditional MLK dinner, consisting of ham hock, black-eyed peas, fried okra, hushpuppies, sweet potato pie and a really nice '96 Chateau Latour."
Ben Jealous, president of the NAACP, responded this afternoon by saying that he appreciated Mr Romney's effort, but that the big painted white lips were a bit much.
"He should lose the banjo, too."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Monday, January 16, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Romney Mania Begins!
Mymanchester, NH. After Mitt Romney's historic back to back wins in Iowa and New Hampshire, the Republican party is coalescing around their new conservative savior. Romney's stunning eight vote victory in Iowa and his 39% landslide in New Hampshire have all but sealed the deal. Matt Rhoades, Romney's campaign manager, had this to say about the surging enthusiasm for the former governor:
"When almost 4 out of 10 Republican primary voters in the great state of New Hampshire say you're the man, it becomes crystal clear that Romney mania is sweeping the country! Now on to South Carolina where we have a really good chance to maybe beat Rick Santorum! Then on to Florida! Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"
Exit polls revealed that while Ron Paul was a heavy favorite among GOP voters, there was concern about whether he would be allowed to serve a full term if institutionalized. Santorum also fared well with evangelicals who had never googled his name. Gingrich was continuing his downward trend except among nasty, vengeful, white, adulterous millionaires. Perry was holding steady among Tea Party supporters and toothless rednecks with the middle name "Bob." Huntsman was climbing among Republican voters who prefer Mormons fluent in Mandarin who are not named Mitt. But Romney was still maintaining his lead.
"He's the exact opposite of Obama," said Spud Geiser of Hart's Location, NH, "You just can't get any whiter."
©2012 Kona Lowell
"When almost 4 out of 10 Republican primary voters in the great state of New Hampshire say you're the man, it becomes crystal clear that Romney mania is sweeping the country! Now on to South Carolina where we have a really good chance to maybe beat Rick Santorum! Then on to Florida! Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"
Exit polls revealed that while Ron Paul was a heavy favorite among GOP voters, there was concern about whether he would be allowed to serve a full term if institutionalized. Santorum also fared well with evangelicals who had never googled his name. Gingrich was continuing his downward trend except among nasty, vengeful, white, adulterous millionaires. Perry was holding steady among Tea Party supporters and toothless rednecks with the middle name "Bob." Huntsman was climbing among Republican voters who prefer Mormons fluent in Mandarin who are not named Mitt. But Romney was still maintaining his lead.
"He's the exact opposite of Obama," said Spud Geiser of Hart's Location, NH, "You just can't get any whiter."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Jon Huntsman Hires Folksy Consultants
Martha's Hump, NH. Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has hired "folksy" consultants to help build an image more to the liking of South Carolina voters. Matt David, Huntsman's campaign manager, explained:
"We have a great candidate here in Jon Huntsman, but he just can't compete with Romney's flannel shirts, Rick Perry's toe-in-the-dirt-aw-shucks drawl and Ron Paul's generally senile folksiness for the redneck vote. So we are beginning an intensive folksiness immersion program.
"Mr. Huntsman is listening to tapes of The Prairie Home Companion and watching old Andy Griffith episodes non-stop. Larry the Cable Guy is helping with his diction and we've hired Earl Scruggs to teach him the banjo. He's aced the first few bars of Foggy Mountain Breakdown. If the next debate has an open mike, we're gonna kill."
©2012 Kona Lowell
"We have a great candidate here in Jon Huntsman, but he just can't compete with Romney's flannel shirts, Rick Perry's toe-in-the-dirt-aw-shucks drawl and Ron Paul's generally senile folksiness for the redneck vote. So we are beginning an intensive folksiness immersion program.
"Mr. Huntsman is listening to tapes of The Prairie Home Companion and watching old Andy Griffith episodes non-stop. Larry the Cable Guy is helping with his diction and we've hired Earl Scruggs to teach him the banjo. He's aced the first few bars of Foggy Mountain Breakdown. If the next debate has an open mike, we're gonna kill."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Romney Clarifies His "Firing" Remark
Ratsbane, NH. Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been taking fire from both Democrats and fellow GOP candidates over his recent comment about firing people. Said Mr Romney to a large, slack-mouthed crowd in New Hampshire:
“I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. If someone doesn’t give me the good service I need, I’m going to go get somebody else to provide that service to me.”
Since making this statement, a dozen negative ads have cropped up replaying Mr. Romney's voice repeating "I like being able to fire people." Romney's campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, has been working feverishly to douse the fire, and today Mr. Romney spoke to John King on CNN about the faux pas.
"John, this has been blown all out of proportion. Ha ha ha. I'm a job creator. I've created thousands of jobs. Ha ha ha. What I was talking about was my childhood. When I was a boy, my father used to allow us to celebrate our birthdays and special holidays by firing people...out of a cannon. Ha ha ha. We usually picked some of the grounds staff, stable help or the older upstairs maids. I can tell you as a child this was a lot of fun. Several years later we actually set up a net to catch them in. Ha ha ha."
Meanwhile, another inter-party tiff broke out when Mitt Romney's flannel shirt called Rick Santorum's sweater vest a pussy.
©2012 Kona Lowell
“I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. If someone doesn’t give me the good service I need, I’m going to go get somebody else to provide that service to me.”
Since making this statement, a dozen negative ads have cropped up replaying Mr. Romney's voice repeating "I like being able to fire people." Romney's campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, has been working feverishly to douse the fire, and today Mr. Romney spoke to John King on CNN about the faux pas.
"John, this has been blown all out of proportion. Ha ha ha. I'm a job creator. I've created thousands of jobs. Ha ha ha. What I was talking about was my childhood. When I was a boy, my father used to allow us to celebrate our birthdays and special holidays by firing people...out of a cannon. Ha ha ha. We usually picked some of the grounds staff, stable help or the older upstairs maids. I can tell you as a child this was a lot of fun. Several years later we actually set up a net to catch them in. Ha ha ha."
Meanwhile, another inter-party tiff broke out when Mitt Romney's flannel shirt called Rick Santorum's sweater vest a pussy.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Friday, January 6, 2012
Gingrich Claims Founding Fathers Would Have Outlawed Sexting
Freordye, NH. At a town hall in New Hampshire last Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate and former Speaker Newt Gingrich strongly claimed that the Founding Fathers would have violently opposed the cultivation and use of marijuana by today's American citizens.
“I think Jefferson or George Washington would have rather strongly discouraged you from growing marijuana and their techniques with dealing with it would have been rather more violent than our current government,” said Mr. Gingrich.
"I also believe they would have outlawed speed metal, light beer, hot pants, break dancing and black basketball players taller than 5' 8". And they would have been simply incensed over sexting. They would have sought the death penalty for this. Except maybe Franklin, who would have had a porn studio in the San Fernando Valley."
When asked what he thought was so terrible about sexting, Mr Gingrich replied that it was becoming fashionable among younger teens and could lead to actual sex.
"And my fingers are too fat to type on a phone," the former Speaker replied.
Meanwhile, Rick Santorum has initiated a revival of the sweater vest, causing sweater vest manufacturers to hire new workers just to keep up with the demand.
"It's just boffo," said Thad Wellington-Marbury III of Chevy Chase, MD, "It's grand to be chic again. I have a whole cedar closet brimming with the finest sweater vests. I just wish Mr. Santorum would start wearing saddle oxfords at his next event."
©2012 Kona Lowell
“I think Jefferson or George Washington would have rather strongly discouraged you from growing marijuana and their techniques with dealing with it would have been rather more violent than our current government,” said Mr. Gingrich.
"I also believe they would have outlawed speed metal, light beer, hot pants, break dancing and black basketball players taller than 5' 8". And they would have been simply incensed over sexting. They would have sought the death penalty for this. Except maybe Franklin, who would have had a porn studio in the San Fernando Valley."
When asked what he thought was so terrible about sexting, Mr Gingrich replied that it was becoming fashionable among younger teens and could lead to actual sex.
"And my fingers are too fat to type on a phone," the former Speaker replied.
Meanwhile, Rick Santorum has initiated a revival of the sweater vest, causing sweater vest manufacturers to hire new workers just to keep up with the demand.
"It's just boffo," said Thad Wellington-Marbury III of Chevy Chase, MD, "It's grand to be chic again. I have a whole cedar closet brimming with the finest sweater vests. I just wish Mr. Santorum would start wearing saddle oxfords at his next event."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Romney Steps In It In New Hampshire
Manchester, NH. Republican candidate Mitt Romney's day began badly when he responded to a doorbell at his mansion in New Hampshire this morning. Not accustomed to answering the door himself, it took Mr Romney several minutes to negotiate the door lock, but once he had it open, he found no one there.
Instead, on the porch, under the vaulted marble entryway, was a brown paper bag burning and smoking. Seeing no servants in the vicinity, Mr. Romney proceeded to stomp on the bag until the fire was extinguished. It was then that he noticed a terrible smell and discovered he had some sort of feces, most likely from a dog, on his $3,000 Italian dressing slippers.
Police have been questioning the neighbors and it appears that a Mr. Jonas Oldacre was out retrieving his morning paper when he saw a rotund, white-haired gentleman leaving the Romney house. The unknown man hastily entered a limousine in which a well-coifed blond woman was sitting. The limousine left too quickly for Mr Oldacre to gather any further details.
"I'm sure I've seen him somewhere before," said Mr. Oldacre, "Maybe Tiffany's.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Instead, on the porch, under the vaulted marble entryway, was a brown paper bag burning and smoking. Seeing no servants in the vicinity, Mr. Romney proceeded to stomp on the bag until the fire was extinguished. It was then that he noticed a terrible smell and discovered he had some sort of feces, most likely from a dog, on his $3,000 Italian dressing slippers.
Police have been questioning the neighbors and it appears that a Mr. Jonas Oldacre was out retrieving his morning paper when he saw a rotund, white-haired gentleman leaving the Romney house. The unknown man hastily entered a limousine in which a well-coifed blond woman was sitting. The limousine left too quickly for Mr Oldacre to gather any further details.
"I'm sure I've seen him somewhere before," said Mr. Oldacre, "Maybe Tiffany's.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Iowa Picks Its Favorite Clown
Duh Moines, IA. Tonight, Hawkeye Republicans will make a statement about the direction they want to see their party go and who will carry their bright banner into the future. The choices are clear: a serial flip-flopper who gave his state mandated healthcare and supported abortion rights and now doesn't, a serial adulterer who made piles of cash whoring himself out to the highest bidder, an idiot who can't remember what government agencies he wants to abolish, an old geezer who would be better suited to standing on a street corner in a tattered robe proclaiming that the end is near, a batshit-crazy harpy who is so unfamiliar with facts and truth that she should be institutionalized, an eerily normal person who speaks Mandarin and may or may not really be a Republican or a guy whose very name makes people break out in fits of uncontrollable laughter.
One of these candidates will leave Iowa victorious. Will the right-wing evangelical Christianists get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win? Or will the constitutionally- and spelling-challenged Tea Party get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win? Or will the ever-shrinking moderate wing of the GOP get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win?
And what will happen in New Hampshire? Will this Pyrrhic victory translate to a win there? In South Carolina? Florida? Or will the party be so damaged as to be split beyond hope of reunification? Do I give a fuck?
No, not really. I always hated clowns. But one thing is certain: President Obama is not losing any sleep over the upcoming debates.
© 2012 Kona Lowell
One of these candidates will leave Iowa victorious. Will the right-wing evangelical Christianists get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win? Or will the constitutionally- and spelling-challenged Tea Party get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win? Or will the ever-shrinking moderate wing of the GOP get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win?
And what will happen in New Hampshire? Will this Pyrrhic victory translate to a win there? In South Carolina? Florida? Or will the party be so damaged as to be split beyond hope of reunification? Do I give a fuck?
No, not really. I always hated clowns. But one thing is certain: President Obama is not losing any sleep over the upcoming debates.
© 2012 Kona Lowell
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