Washington, DC. This morning in a hastily announced Rose Garden speech, President Barack Obama admitted that he was indeed the Antichrist.
"Okay, you got me. Geez you guys know how to ruin an October Surprise. So, yes, I am the Antichrist and as soon as I'm re-elected I will be moving the White House to Jerusalem and beginning my reign of world domination. Fortunately I'm already on good terms with Bibi, although abolishing the Knesset won't be a picnic. I'm hoping a few signs and wonders will do the trick. Right now I'm working on that one where it looks like my thumb can be taken off and put back on. Chuck?"
"Mr President, are you ready to announce who will be your False Prophet?"
"Chuck, we're still working on that. We're talking to Dr Phil's people right now, but nothing has been decided. Thanks, I've got to go. Need to work on the thumb trick. Goddamn you, and goddamn the United States of America. Oh, yes, stop by the booth on the way out and get the mark of the beast on your foreheads and hands. You think this recession has been hell, try buying anything without those."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wayne LaPierre
With a name like Wayne LaPierre, I suspect the president of the NRA of being a snail-eating, tongue-kissing, wine-sipping eater of cheese that smells like feet surrender monkey. Birth certificate please. No, the real one from France, you lying frog.
Drafting Christie
Washington, DC. Republicans are not giving up on their attempt to draft New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to run for president. Even though Christie has said no repeatedly and definitely, GOP icons from Nancy Reagan and Barbara Bush to George Pataki and Bill Kristol are ratcheting up their efforts to persuade the disinterested governor to throw his hat in the ring.
"The rudeness with which he deals with the lesser of his constituents is a breath of fresh air," said Kristol. "He treats people like something stuck on the bottom of his shoe. We need that kind of charisma in this party. We need a man who's not afraid to tell people they're stupid, to shut up and get out of his face. And anyway, Rickles is too old and he's a Democrat."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"The rudeness with which he deals with the lesser of his constituents is a breath of fresh air," said Kristol. "He treats people like something stuck on the bottom of his shoe. We need that kind of charisma in this party. We need a man who's not afraid to tell people they're stupid, to shut up and get out of his face. And anyway, Rickles is too old and he's a Democrat."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Mayor Bloomberg Ends Occupy Wall St. Protest
New York City, NY. Mayor Michael Bloomberg effectively ended the nascent protest movement going on in Wall St. today when he appeared on the John Gambling radio show and chided protesters for targeting bankers who are "struggling to make ends meet."
"I had no idea," sobbed out-of-work teacher, Vicki Chauk, "just how much these poor people were suffering! One of the bankers had to let two of his gardening staff go this morning and the three he kept are now having to do double-duty in the polo stables. I'm sorry, I just can't talk any more right now."
"I just feel dirty," said Josh Tanner, a local student. "Do you have any idea how much it costs to scrape the barnacles off a 200 foot yacht? That means some barnacle-scraper guy isn't going to eat tonight. I'm going home."
"I'm stopping by the church on the way home," said firefighter Dale Ash, "and go to confession. I only hope there is still forgiveness for me. It's like tripping a handicapped person. Truffle sales are down and these poor souls are having to eat regular mushrooms. Dear sweet Jesus. I'm outta here."
Meanwhile, the rest of the 1,000 or so protesters were rolling up their sleeping bags, packing up their drums, picking up any loose trash and apologizing to the police. A few will remain to take up a collection for the bankers' families.
"It's the least we can do," said unemployed accountant Tim Cratchit, "I may have lost my job, but not my heart. God bless them every one."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"I had no idea," sobbed out-of-work teacher, Vicki Chauk, "just how much these poor people were suffering! One of the bankers had to let two of his gardening staff go this morning and the three he kept are now having to do double-duty in the polo stables. I'm sorry, I just can't talk any more right now."
"I just feel dirty," said Josh Tanner, a local student. "Do you have any idea how much it costs to scrape the barnacles off a 200 foot yacht? That means some barnacle-scraper guy isn't going to eat tonight. I'm going home."
"I'm stopping by the church on the way home," said firefighter Dale Ash, "and go to confession. I only hope there is still forgiveness for me. It's like tripping a handicapped person. Truffle sales are down and these poor souls are having to eat regular mushrooms. Dear sweet Jesus. I'm outta here."
Meanwhile, the rest of the 1,000 or so protesters were rolling up their sleeping bags, packing up their drums, picking up any loose trash and apologizing to the police. A few will remain to take up a collection for the bankers' families.
"It's the least we can do," said unemployed accountant Tim Cratchit, "I may have lost my job, but not my heart. God bless them every one."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
GOP Files Ethics Complaint Against Obama
Washington, D.C. Republicans filed an ethics complaint against President Obama this morning claiming that he he has been using the Office of the President to thwart their attempts to remove him from power, eliminate the middle class and return America to pre-Civil War glory.
"Mr Obama is running around the country telling people that it is unfair that billionaires don't pay the same tax rates as they do," said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "This is fundamentally true, and we're not going to put up with that. Using the high office of the Presidency to spread facts is un-American."
"Just because he's the president does not mean he can just say any true thing he likes," stated Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "We have traditions in this country. There is no room in governance for Mr Obama's apparent love affair with honesty. He doesn't even cheat at golf."
Candidate Mitt Romney also voiced his support for an investigation, "President Obama's sudden decision to play the truth card just goes to show that he will do anything to get re-elected. I think the American people have had enough of this. And I'm going to stand by this statement until it becomes politically unhealthy to do so."
Press Secretary Jay Carney tells us there is no plan for the President to start lying, but that he will in the future refrain from using the phrase "evil, selfish, racist pigfucks" and just say "Republican."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"Mr Obama is running around the country telling people that it is unfair that billionaires don't pay the same tax rates as they do," said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "This is fundamentally true, and we're not going to put up with that. Using the high office of the Presidency to spread facts is un-American."
"Just because he's the president does not mean he can just say any true thing he likes," stated Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "We have traditions in this country. There is no room in governance for Mr Obama's apparent love affair with honesty. He doesn't even cheat at golf."
Candidate Mitt Romney also voiced his support for an investigation, "President Obama's sudden decision to play the truth card just goes to show that he will do anything to get re-elected. I think the American people have had enough of this. And I'm going to stand by this statement until it becomes politically unhealthy to do so."
Press Secretary Jay Carney tells us there is no plan for the President to start lying, but that he will in the future refrain from using the phrase "evil, selfish, racist pigfucks" and just say "Republican."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Cain: Blacks are Brainwashed
Atlanta, GA. Godfather's Pizza CEO and GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain has come to the conclusion that blacks are "over this first African-American president thing," but that they are, as a community, "brainwashed" into voting for Democrats.
When asked why this is the case, Mr Cain cited these examples of Democratic brainwashing:
"Well, first of all, the Democrats have always stood for civil rights, affirmative action, fair housing, equal employment opportunity, urban renewal, improving public education, supporting unions and of course all the social programs that many need to simply exist. This tends to brainwash them into thinking they should vote for them.
"We in the Republican party, however, have worked to counter this with a number of policies, like opposing affirmative action, doing away with social programs, making voting more difficult, crippling public education, busting unions and sending out pictures of Obama as a young chimp, sitting with his chimpanzee parents. None of this - none of this - has swayed the majority of black voters to vote Republican!
"So we are teaming up with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to encourage black voters to listen to our message and give the Republican party a try. Rush promises to play "Barack the Magic Negro" at least five times a day until our message of hope and equality sinks in. In the meantime, I will be reminding black voters that both my parents were black. I think Mr Obama is in trouble."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
When asked why this is the case, Mr Cain cited these examples of Democratic brainwashing:
"Well, first of all, the Democrats have always stood for civil rights, affirmative action, fair housing, equal employment opportunity, urban renewal, improving public education, supporting unions and of course all the social programs that many need to simply exist. This tends to brainwash them into thinking they should vote for them.
"We in the Republican party, however, have worked to counter this with a number of policies, like opposing affirmative action, doing away with social programs, making voting more difficult, crippling public education, busting unions and sending out pictures of Obama as a young chimp, sitting with his chimpanzee parents. None of this - none of this - has swayed the majority of black voters to vote Republican!
"So we are teaming up with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to encourage black voters to listen to our message and give the Republican party a try. Rush promises to play "Barack the Magic Negro" at least five times a day until our message of hope and equality sinks in. In the meantime, I will be reminding black voters that both my parents were black. I think Mr Obama is in trouble."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
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