Washington, DC. Today President Obama announced another executive action, this time to put returning veterans to work. The initiative would hopefully put 8,000 returning vets to work in Community Health Centers. “I think all Americans can agree that veterans shouldn’t have to fight
for a job once they’ve come home from the fight overseas,” said Matt Flavin,
director of the Veterans, Military Families and Wounded Warrior Task
Force.
Republicans, however, were not convinced. "This is nothing but a campaign ploy," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "We want to provide real work for these returning veterans. So we are proposing our own initiative, the Keep Them Fighting Plan. These men and women are trained for one thing: fighting wars, which means blowing things up and killing people. We spent a lot of money training them to do this. And we're just going to waste it? Not on my watch!"
Asked how the plan would work, McConnell stated, "We start another war with someone. There's always a country somewhere that needs a good ass-whipping. Iran would be a good choice. Then we have instant employment for all these well-trained veterans. In fact, the way I see it, we're going to have a lot of vacancies to fill. All those college kids that can't find work will be able to start right away. Unemployed minorities, too. It's a win-win."
The plan was revealed this morning on Fox & Friends where it met with overwhelming approval of the viewing audience and was hailed by Steve Doocey as "a real economic jump-start for the weapons industry, yellow ribbon business and prosthetics makers."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Obama Authorizes Use of Military Force
Washington, DC. Fresh off yet another foreign policy victory, President Barack Obama today again authorized the use of US military force to combat terror.
"It is my job as Commander in Chief to protect the lives and security of the American people. There is nothing more important in my job description. This country is under attack. I will not stand idly by and watch our great nation be destroyed. Therefore, I have met with Defense Secretary Leon Panetta and General Dempsey, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and authorized the use of military force to eliminate the leaders of the Republican Party. They can run, but they cannot hide. They must realize that we will find them. Thank you. Chuck?"
"Mr President, is this strictly legal? The Republican Party is comprised of American citizens."
"So was Anwar al-Awlaki, Chuck, and he did far less damage to this nation than these home-grown terrorists have done. They must be stopped before they do even more irreparable damage. They are decimating the middle class and the working poor. Our economy is on the verge of total collapse. The very life of our nation is at stake. John?"
"Mr President, are you planning on putting boots on the ground or using special ops?"
"John, I don't want to get into specifics right now. We believe this can be done efficiently and with minimal troops, and of course predator drones are available. The main thing is we must stop them before they get their hands on the nuclear option. Thank you and may God bless America."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"It is my job as Commander in Chief to protect the lives and security of the American people. There is nothing more important in my job description. This country is under attack. I will not stand idly by and watch our great nation be destroyed. Therefore, I have met with Defense Secretary Leon Panetta and General Dempsey, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and authorized the use of military force to eliminate the leaders of the Republican Party. They can run, but they cannot hide. They must realize that we will find them. Thank you. Chuck?"
"Mr President, is this strictly legal? The Republican Party is comprised of American citizens."
"So was Anwar al-Awlaki, Chuck, and he did far less damage to this nation than these home-grown terrorists have done. They must be stopped before they do even more irreparable damage. They are decimating the middle class and the working poor. Our economy is on the verge of total collapse. The very life of our nation is at stake. John?"
"Mr President, are you planning on putting boots on the ground or using special ops?"
"John, I don't want to get into specifics right now. We believe this can be done efficiently and with minimal troops, and of course predator drones are available. The main thing is we must stop them before they get their hands on the nuclear option. Thank you and may God bless America."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Thursday, October 20, 2011
John Kasich, Asshole
On a serious note, 18 rare Bengal tigers, 17 lions, 6 black bears, two grizzlies, two wolves, a baboon, a monkey and three mountain lions are dead because you're an amoral, deregulating piece of shit. The officers who had to perform this horrible, sickening job will be affected for the rest of their lives. Sleep well, motherfucker.
Forbes Backs Perry's Flat Tax
New York, NY. One-time presidential hopeful and publishing titan Steve Forbes has all but thrown his considerable support behind a Rick Perry presidency due to Perry's just-revealed Flat Tax Plan.
Forbes told Yahoo News that Perry's plan is "the most exciting tax plan since Reagan's." While Forbes had his own flat tax plan, he thinks Perry's is even better. And he thinks Perry will be the next president because "he's got great hair, like Reagan, but lacks the empathy that can hold one back in creating a really robust business climate."
Asked what he found most promising about the Perry plan, Forbes said, "While none of the actual details are ready yet, we know it will even be a lower number than my 17%. I think rich people nationwide will get behind that. And most Americans will like it because they have no idea about this sort of thing anyway. People like flat things, like pancakes, pizza, DVD's and flat screen TV's. And pie."
Asked about the revenue side of the issue and whether it would raise enough, Forbes said that "eventually the billionaires would create more and more jobs and everyone could have a nice piece hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slowly on top, Mmmmm. Can't you just taste it?"
Asked whether the plan would increase the tax burden on the poor and the middle class, Forbes replied, "Hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slooowly on top. Mmmmmm."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Forbes told Yahoo News that Perry's plan is "the most exciting tax plan since Reagan's." While Forbes had his own flat tax plan, he thinks Perry's is even better. And he thinks Perry will be the next president because "he's got great hair, like Reagan, but lacks the empathy that can hold one back in creating a really robust business climate."
Asked what he found most promising about the Perry plan, Forbes said, "While none of the actual details are ready yet, we know it will even be a lower number than my 17%. I think rich people nationwide will get behind that. And most Americans will like it because they have no idea about this sort of thing anyway. People like flat things, like pancakes, pizza, DVD's and flat screen TV's. And pie."
Asked about the revenue side of the issue and whether it would raise enough, Forbes said that "eventually the billionaires would create more and more jobs and everyone could have a nice piece hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slowly on top, Mmmmm. Can't you just taste it?"
Asked whether the plan would increase the tax burden on the poor and the middle class, Forbes replied, "Hot, juicy apple pie with vanilla ice cream melting slooowly on top. Mmmmmm."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Oh, OH
I want to rename a town in Ohio "Oh" so the address would be Oh, OH. Which one does Kasich live in? That would be the one.
GOP Narrows Its Sights
Washington, DC. Republicans are employing a new strategy to win the presidential election in 2012 and extend their power into the coming decades. They are focusing all their effort on gaining complete control of the 1% of Americans with the most wealth and political influence.
For some time, the GOP was content to only alienate gays, blacks and Latinos. "I'm not going to campaign by getting up on stage and singing show tunes in Spanish while break-dancing," vowed Mitt Romney, "Any way, I've got a bad back."
But today's GOP is ridding itself of union workers, women, the young, the unemployed, first responders, the poor and the grumbling middle class in an effort to make the "Big Tent" smaller and more effective.
"We can't make everybody happy," said Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "But we can make the very wealthy 1% simply delirious. Pleasing the middle class is a zero-sum game. But trying to help the poor, well, that's like being an actual Christian. No percentage in that."
Asked how they would manage to get enough votes from 1% of the population to overcome the other 99%, Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) shrugged and said, "The same way we always do."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
For some time, the GOP was content to only alienate gays, blacks and Latinos. "I'm not going to campaign by getting up on stage and singing show tunes in Spanish while break-dancing," vowed Mitt Romney, "Any way, I've got a bad back."
But today's GOP is ridding itself of union workers, women, the young, the unemployed, first responders, the poor and the grumbling middle class in an effort to make the "Big Tent" smaller and more effective.
"We can't make everybody happy," said Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "But we can make the very wealthy 1% simply delirious. Pleasing the middle class is a zero-sum game. But trying to help the poor, well, that's like being an actual Christian. No percentage in that."
Asked how they would manage to get enough votes from 1% of the population to overcome the other 99%, Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) shrugged and said, "The same way we always do."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
GOP Debate Highlights
Las Vegas, NV. As befitting Vegas, the fireworks were certainly non-stop in this, the 37th GOP debate tonight. Here's a recap of some of the most dramatic moments before the ambulances arrived.
6:15 Romney displays visible resentment at Perry continually calling him "Morm" instead of Mitt.
6:19 Herman Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fruit.
6:21 Romney reminds Perry again that is name is Mitt, not Morm.
6:24 Cain defends his 999 Pan by talking about different kinds of vegetables.
6:26 Perry calls Romney "Morm" again.
6:29 Newt Gingrich says something about Nazis and Islam and Reagan.
6:31 Michelle Bachmann suggests that Iranians have infiltrated the House of Representatives.
6:33 Perry pees on Romney's shoe. Romney punches Perry in the nose.
6:35 Dr Ron Paul refuses to stop Perry's nose bleed on the grounds that it would be infringing on his rights.
6:37 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fish.
6:39 Rick Santorum comes out on national TV in the hopes of getting the Log Cabin Republican vote.
6:41 Bachmann screams "Iranian!" at Santorum and begins stabbing him with a pencil.
6:42 Paul refuses to stop Santorum's bleeding on the grounds that it would be government interference.
6:44 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of rodents.
6:46 Bachmann is finally subdued with a tranquilizer dart.
6:50: Perry kicks Romney in the balls. Romney looks puzzled.
6:53 Santorum stage dives into the crowd and disappears.
6:57 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of trees.
7:01 Anderson Cooper pulls his own head off.
7:03 CNN brings in John King to finish moderating the debate.
7:06 Gingrich talks about the importance of faith and marriage.
7:07 Gingrich struck and killed by a rare indoor lightning bolt.
7:09 Cain electrocuted by his lapel mic while defending his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of marsupials.
7:13 Romney accidentally stabs Perry in the eye with an ice pick, killing him instantly. Then baptizes him.
7: 15 Ron Paul has apparently died of natural causes.
7:16 CNN's David Gergen declares Romney the winner of the debate. John King still thinks Perry might come back to life. Wolf Blitzer reminds them that Huntsman was not at the debate and is therefore still alive. A CNN viewer poll shows Romney holding steady at 23%.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
6:15 Romney displays visible resentment at Perry continually calling him "Morm" instead of Mitt.
6:19 Herman Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fruit.
6:21 Romney reminds Perry again that is name is Mitt, not Morm.
6:24 Cain defends his 999 Pan by talking about different kinds of vegetables.
6:26 Perry calls Romney "Morm" again.
6:29 Newt Gingrich says something about Nazis and Islam and Reagan.
6:31 Michelle Bachmann suggests that Iranians have infiltrated the House of Representatives.
6:33 Perry pees on Romney's shoe. Romney punches Perry in the nose.
6:35 Dr Ron Paul refuses to stop Perry's nose bleed on the grounds that it would be infringing on his rights.
6:37 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of fish.
6:39 Rick Santorum comes out on national TV in the hopes of getting the Log Cabin Republican vote.
6:41 Bachmann screams "Iranian!" at Santorum and begins stabbing him with a pencil.
6:42 Paul refuses to stop Santorum's bleeding on the grounds that it would be government interference.
6:44 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of rodents.
6:46 Bachmann is finally subdued with a tranquilizer dart.
6:50: Perry kicks Romney in the balls. Romney looks puzzled.
6:53 Santorum stage dives into the crowd and disappears.
6:57 Cain defends his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of trees.
7:01 Anderson Cooper pulls his own head off.
7:03 CNN brings in John King to finish moderating the debate.
7:06 Gingrich talks about the importance of faith and marriage.
7:07 Gingrich struck and killed by a rare indoor lightning bolt.
7:09 Cain electrocuted by his lapel mic while defending his 999 Plan by talking about different kinds of marsupials.
7:13 Romney accidentally stabs Perry in the eye with an ice pick, killing him instantly. Then baptizes him.
7: 15 Ron Paul has apparently died of natural causes.
7:16 CNN's David Gergen declares Romney the winner of the debate. John King still thinks Perry might come back to life. Wolf Blitzer reminds them that Huntsman was not at the debate and is therefore still alive. A CNN viewer poll shows Romney holding steady at 23%.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
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