Washington, DC. This morning, while the country waited for a landmark decision on the constitutionality of the individual mandate provision in the Affordable Care Act, Antonin Scalia, affectionately known as "Fat Tony" among his fellow justices, made the point that if the provision was upheld, it might mean that “therefore you (the
government) can make people buy broccoli” because it's good for you.
Chief Justice Roberts questioned if that included broccoflower and if not why not.
Justice Kennedy wanted to know if that mandate would include people who already grew broccoli in their backyard gardens.
Justice Alito seconded Kennedy's point and asked if it also included large broccoli-growing corporate farms and if they would still get broccoli subsidies.
Justice Breyer argued that there should be an exemption in those instances in that they already had broccoli in abundance.
Justice Kagen concurred but said there was no way to make certain that anyone was actually eating broccoli.
Justice Sotomayor added that a special provision for those picking the broccoli should be included as forcing people who pick broccoli all day to buy broccoli would amount to cruelty.
Justice Ginsberg wanted to know if this provision could also include okra.
Justice Thomas argued that he was getting hungry and the court retired for lunch. Broccoli was not on the menu.
Meanwhile, 123 Americans died without health insurance.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Stand Your Ground
Pardon me if I momentarily abandon my usual snarky humor and address Florida's Draconian and ridiculously unnecessary Stand Your Ground Law, which also has equally awful cousins in some 30 or so other states.
First of all, the name itself signals a dare, a challenge. It sounds like a command, "Stand your ground!" The very name encourages people to take action they might not normally take. It urges confrontation, instead of retreat. And as any self-defense expert can tell you, retreat is the best option if possible.
Secondly, we already have self-defense statutes on the books nationwide. If one is compelled to use deadly force to save one's life or the life of another, it is unlikely to result in harsh punishment. But how many of us want a person to be able to simply claim they felt "threatened" as a justification for killing another citizen and skirt any legal responsibility?
Finally, I think we all know that this Stand Your Ground Law would not have been of much use had the races of the two people, Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman, been reversed. Had Martin been the shooter, he would be in jail right now. So this law was not enacted to protect the general population, but a select segment of it from another segment of it.
Oh, one other thing. The Stand Your Ground Law was signed into existence by Jeb Bush. You know, the smart, moderate, compassionate Bush brother.
©2012 Kona Lowell
First of all, the name itself signals a dare, a challenge. It sounds like a command, "Stand your ground!" The very name encourages people to take action they might not normally take. It urges confrontation, instead of retreat. And as any self-defense expert can tell you, retreat is the best option if possible.
Secondly, we already have self-defense statutes on the books nationwide. If one is compelled to use deadly force to save one's life or the life of another, it is unlikely to result in harsh punishment. But how many of us want a person to be able to simply claim they felt "threatened" as a justification for killing another citizen and skirt any legal responsibility?
Finally, I think we all know that this Stand Your Ground Law would not have been of much use had the races of the two people, Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman, been reversed. Had Martin been the shooter, he would be in jail right now. So this law was not enacted to protect the general population, but a select segment of it from another segment of it.
Oh, one other thing. The Stand Your Ground Law was signed into existence by Jeb Bush. You know, the smart, moderate, compassionate Bush brother.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Monday, March 19, 2012
GOP Turns to Hollywood Magic to Counter Image Problem
Washington, DC. The Republican Party, and its four presidential candidates, are availing themselves of a bit of Hollywood magic to combat the growing perception that they are the party of old, white men and rich people.
"Folks have the misconception that we have a very limited appeal to a large segment of America simply because when our candidates make appearances the audience is primarily old and white and male," said Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC. "We're also dealing with a perceived lack of enthusiasm at our events since hardly anyone shows up. So to combat this, we are taking advantage of modern technology. From now on, when one of our candidates speaks, he will have a green screen behind him that will have an encouraging image projected on it.
"We tried this first with our frontrunner, Governor Romney. He has had dismal attendance at his events and is falsely perceived as getting support only from rich people. He also has an undeserved negative approval rating among Latino voters who disapprove of his support of the Arizona immigration legislation. So we have two great bleacher scenes we will be using behind him: one from a NASCAR race in Texas and another from a Mexican soccer game. The crowds are wild. And in the NASCAR scene, you can clearly see that a lot of the people don't have teeth."
"What about Speaker Gingrich and Senator Santorum, Mr. Chairman?"
"Chuck, we've addressed their issues as well. Mr. Gingrich is a hard-sell with black voters, so we have a great clip of the Mt. Zion Baptist Church choir swaying in unison behind him, with the occasional, 'Tell it!', 'C'mon!', and 'Amen!' thrown in for good measure.
"With Senator Santorum, we have a woman issue, so we have an excellent clip of the audience from the Oprah Winfrey Show, the one when they all win cars."
"Do you think this will work with the American people, Mr. Chairman?"
"Chuck, the American people are dumber than a crate full of hockey racquets."
"And how about Congressman Paul? Is he using this method?"
"Yes, we made it available to him, but we still have some bugs to work out. One of his aides accidentally ran the tavern scene from Star Wars."
©2012 Kona Lowell
"Folks have the misconception that we have a very limited appeal to a large segment of America simply because when our candidates make appearances the audience is primarily old and white and male," said Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC. "We're also dealing with a perceived lack of enthusiasm at our events since hardly anyone shows up. So to combat this, we are taking advantage of modern technology. From now on, when one of our candidates speaks, he will have a green screen behind him that will have an encouraging image projected on it.
"We tried this first with our frontrunner, Governor Romney. He has had dismal attendance at his events and is falsely perceived as getting support only from rich people. He also has an undeserved negative approval rating among Latino voters who disapprove of his support of the Arizona immigration legislation. So we have two great bleacher scenes we will be using behind him: one from a NASCAR race in Texas and another from a Mexican soccer game. The crowds are wild. And in the NASCAR scene, you can clearly see that a lot of the people don't have teeth."
"What about Speaker Gingrich and Senator Santorum, Mr. Chairman?"
"Chuck, we've addressed their issues as well. Mr. Gingrich is a hard-sell with black voters, so we have a great clip of the Mt. Zion Baptist Church choir swaying in unison behind him, with the occasional, 'Tell it!', 'C'mon!', and 'Amen!' thrown in for good measure.
"With Senator Santorum, we have a woman issue, so we have an excellent clip of the audience from the Oprah Winfrey Show, the one when they all win cars."
"Do you think this will work with the American people, Mr. Chairman?"
"Chuck, the American people are dumber than a crate full of hockey racquets."
"And how about Congressman Paul? Is he using this method?"
"Yes, we made it available to him, but we still have some bugs to work out. One of his aides accidentally ran the tavern scene from Star Wars."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Mississippi GOP Forces Rethinking of Evolutionary Theory
UC, Berkeley. After recent polls in Mississippi revealed that a vast majority of Republican voters still believe that President Obama is a Muslim, that interracial marriage should be illegal and that evolution is a myth, scientists have been forced to rethink their theories on how evolution functions.
"We have seen the process working, albeit slowly, in Alabama," said Prof. Roy Caldwell, "In Alabama an actual majority of GOP voters do not believe that people involved in interracial marriages should be hung from lampposts. However, a large percentage still seem to be oblivious to the facts on the President's origin and religion."
Asked what he found most surprising about the the recent Mississippi poll, Prof. Caldwell remarked, "That these people are still alive. One would expect that with their sub-par level of intelligence, their pathetic instinct for self-preservation and their inability to adapt and function in a modern world their demise would be sped up significantly, and that they would be replaced with a more vibrant, intelligent species. It is causing us to rethink some firmly-held constructs."
Prof. Caldwell and several of his colleagues are planning an expedition to Mississippi to study the inhabitants first-hand.
"It is quite rare to be able to study a still-existing primitive culture, and although there are certainly inherent dangers, we must seize this opportunity. We hope to begin in a month or so, after an intensive course in language and customs and the usual inoculations.
"We are really very excited, I must tell you. The Mississippi GOP cave art is remarkable."
©2012 Kona Lowell
"We have seen the process working, albeit slowly, in Alabama," said Prof. Roy Caldwell, "In Alabama an actual majority of GOP voters do not believe that people involved in interracial marriages should be hung from lampposts. However, a large percentage still seem to be oblivious to the facts on the President's origin and religion."
Asked what he found most surprising about the the recent Mississippi poll, Prof. Caldwell remarked, "That these people are still alive. One would expect that with their sub-par level of intelligence, their pathetic instinct for self-preservation and their inability to adapt and function in a modern world their demise would be sped up significantly, and that they would be replaced with a more vibrant, intelligent species. It is causing us to rethink some firmly-held constructs."
Prof. Caldwell and several of his colleagues are planning an expedition to Mississippi to study the inhabitants first-hand.
"It is quite rare to be able to study a still-existing primitive culture, and although there are certainly inherent dangers, we must seize this opportunity. We hope to begin in a month or so, after an intensive course in language and customs and the usual inoculations.
"We are really very excited, I must tell you. The Mississippi GOP cave art is remarkable."
©2012 Kona Lowell
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