Jesus Christ Files Defamation Suit Against GOP

Washington, DC. In a surprise move, Jesus of Nazareth appeared in court this morning with His attorneys to file a defamation suit against the Republican party. Looking fit for his age but somewhat tired, the Son of God responded to reporters questions as He left the courthouse.

"Look, I'm in the forgiveness business, right? Always will be, but there comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough."

Asked what brought Him to this decision, the Messiah responded, "It was the 'you don't work, you don't eat' thing. I never said that. Paul did. And he wasn't talking to the poor or widows or cripples. He was talking to his own lazy ass disciples who were dogging it and trying to sponge off the people they were supposed to be helping. Heck, I fed thousands of poor people with a few loaves and fishes. I didn't ask them if they all had jobs first.

"You know, I majored in poor people. I only talked about them non-stop. The Pharisees hated My guts for it, but I kept rubbing their greedy noses in it. Cost Me, too, you know? I thought I made My opinion pretty clear on this subject, right? But these guys, these Republicans, they're even worse than those schmucks. It's bad enough being misquoted, but when you start beating up on the poor in My name, there's gonna be hell to pay.

"On top of that, these Republicans are trying to take healthcare away from millions of My people. Like I would want that. Hello? Yeah, I had a short career down here, but you know what I did every day? Heal people. Okay, I turned some water into wine once, but that was a just as a favor for My mom. And hey, you fundamentalist nutjobs, it was real wine, not Kool-Aid. Put those brothers in Cana on the floor. But healing was my business. I never turned down anyone. Not a soul. Preconditions? I didn't even consider 'dead' a precondition. Now you want to tell people I'm against free healthcare? Gimme a break."

"Jesus, are you concerned that Satan will be representing the Republican party in this lawsuit?"

"Yeah, he's a real menace. I'm terrified. Next question?"

"What do you think of Ted Cruz?"

"He's a putz. Hey, gotta go. Haven't had fresh hummus in millennia."

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Great Ted Cruz Hoax

When Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) said recently that "We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate," thinking, moral people, in other words, liberals, went ballistic. How could this guy stand there and lovingly laud the last openly and proudly racist member of the US Senate, a man who went to his grave defiantly unrepentant of his life of overt bigotry, racism, misogeny and hatred? How could a present-day senator like Cruz, at a time when minority votes are becoming even more scarce for the Republican party, align himself with such a loathsome figure as Helms was/is to the LGBT community, minorities and women?

Seems almost suicidal, doesn't it? Of course it is. Until you realize exactly what is going on.

Ted Cruz is an imposter. It's an act. And you've seen something like it before.

In the coming months, so-called "Senator Cruz" will start a campaign to have Nathan Bedford Forrest immortalized on a US postage stamp. Forrest, it may be remembered, was a Confederate general and cavalry leader who also served as the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

Next, he will demand that Little Black Sambo be required reading in all kindergartens throughout the country and that D. W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation be shown every Sunday night on Fox, without commercial interruption.

He will then demand that legislation be enacted that will force gay people to wear little pink triangles and that will require women to walk three paces behind men. He will also try to outlaw all contraception and attempt to make it illegal for women to attend college or vote or wear pants.

He will suggest stoking furnaces with baby fur seals for home heating and insist that the Sequoia National Forest be clear-cut and that the General Sherman tree be burned for heresy.

He will propose the demolition of every house of worship nationwide that is not Southern Baptist, that Dixie be the National Anthem and that everyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line be forced to use southern accents, eat grits and listen to Hank Williams, Jr.

He will begin to croon (badly) on the Senate floor.

By this time, even the Republicans will become uncomfortable.

But he will give it all away when he challenges Nancy Pelosi to a wrestling match.

Told you Andy Kaufman wasn't dead.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Interview: Karl Rove Rebrands the GOP

Recently, Konajournal sat down with Karl Rove, Republican political consultant and election forecast wizard, to discuss the GOP's strategy for the 2014 and 2016 elections.

"Mr. Rove, it's very good of you to take this time with us. What do you see as the number one problem facing the Republican party in the upcoming elections?"

"Thank you, it's good to be here. I think the biggest hurdle we face is that we have a lot of really great ideas and great candidates but those ideas are just not resonating with the majority of the country. In other words, it's not the messenger, it's the message."

"So how do you remedy that?"

"Well, we have to be for something that the majority of voters favor. See, we're for lower taxes for millionaires, which is something millionaires really, really like, but unfortunately the majority of voters aren't millionaires. We're working on changing that."

"I see."

"We're for making abortion virtually illegal nationwide, and while hardcore Christian fundamentalists support this, for some reason the majority of women don't. And we have discovered that women actually vote. I guess they Tivo their soaps.

Same thing with guns. We're for every citizen being able to own a shoulder-fired rocket launcher, which the NRA just loves, but the majority of Americans think may not be a good idea. Who knew?

We're all for drilling in pristine wilderness areas, but people who like Nature don't support this. Never knew people liked Nature so damn much. I mean which would you rather have? More oil or more bears?

Then there's marriage equality. We're for reinstating DADT and making gay marriage constitutionally illegal, which is fine by me since I enjoy being a confirmed bachelor, but the majority of voters don't agree. I blame Glee.

Of course war has always been our main policy. Endless, blood-soaked battlefields. Big explosions. Makes for great TV, and Americans love it. 'USA! USA! USA!' But now that Obama is proposing a military intervention in Syria, we can't go with that one right now, so fuck it. We need something that everybody loves. Something that no one can object to. Something we can be for that has no negatives, no pressure groups, no controversy."

"And that would be?"

"Bunnies. Small, fluffy bunnies with floppy ears. We're for small fluffy bunnies with floppy ears. Well goddamn it, Reince! Who shot the fucking bunny?"

©2013 Kona Lowell

Hitler: Not Who You Think He Is

The National Historical Institution has launched a new information campaign designed to inform the American public as to the historic reality of the Third Reich's leader, Adolph Hitler. This massive undertaking was prompted by a recent survey that revealed that 74% of Americans remain unclear who the German Fuhrer actually was and what he did to make his name synonymous with unchecked evil and rampant government control.

Dr. William Maxim, chairman of the project, Hitler: Not Who You Think He Is, said that the campaign will face many obstacles due to the vast amount of misinformation circulating among the public.

"We face a truly herculean task," Dr. Maxim stated, "We live in a country that is historically and reality-challenged, or in simple layman's terms, too fucking stupid to breed. For example, here are some of the survey responses to the very first question, "Who is Adolph Hitler?":

"The guy who played keyboards in Sparks. I'd recognize that mustache anywhere."  R. Mandrake, CA

"Saddam Hussein." G. W. Bush, Dallas, TX

"He's that dude that freaks about the new iPad down in that bunker thing. Saw it on YouTube." D. Ignoranti, NJ

"Obama. I've seen the posters. He's gonna take our guns and make us talk with a lisp." B. J. Baggley, OK

"Bashar al-Assad." J. Kerry, Washington, DC

"You see?" Dr. Maxim continued, "No one has a fucking clue! But we're hoping that with Schwarzenegger doing the voice over, some people will pay attention."

There was one group, however, that tested very well, that being the neo-Nazis and Aryan Nation members. They had a good grasp on the historic Hitler and were unlikely to refer to someone they disagreed with as the former Fuhrer.

"Adolph Hitler was the greatest man who ever lived. Heil Hitler!" said Ted Schmuck, Hayden Lake, ID.

"So if you think Hitler's so great, you're somewhat at a loss for an historically, irredeemably evil person to compare others to."

"Well, we've always got Lincoln."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Chris Christie, Moderate Like a Heart Attack

If one subscribes to the common political wisdom of the mainstream pundits, there is only one Republican who has anything resembling a chance of beating Hillary Clinton in 2016, and that person is New Jersey governor Chris Christie. Why? Because he's a moderate Republican.

Apparently, this pronouncement of moderation is arrived at not by studying something as painfully wonky as policy or voting records, but by the politician's ability to glibly banter with the Daily Show's Jon Stewart and be self-effacing and funny.

Take John McCain. Please. There was a time when we were constantly assured that the Arizona senator was a "maverick," that he bravely bucked his party's hardline policies and was really a moderate. Even Democrats were saying they'd vote for him. Sure, he talked about campaign finance reform and immigration, but this moderate tag was really due in large part to his Daily Show appearances, where it was obvious that Stewart had a man-crush on the elderly ex-POW. And because McCain could ad lib and be charming, in a reptilian sort of way, no one seemed to notice that he was one of the most conservative senators in the country. In fact, in 2010, McCain's conservative voting record received the highest score, matched by two other known moderates, Jim DeMint and John Cornyn. But his voting record was always among the most conservative.

Now the media has dubbed Governor Christie the new Straight-Talker, the new Moderate Republican. He's brash, aggressive, impolitic, easily angered, funny and nothing at all like Mitch McConnell, which in any universe is a huge plus. Not only that, he recently approved medical marijuana for seriously ill children and banned gay conversion therapy. Right before he vetoed a ban on .50 caliber sniper rifles that can pierce kevlar from a mile away. Yes, a mile. But he vetoed it moderately.

Christie also just moderately endorsed fellow Republican and Tea Party darling Steve Lonegan in his race against juggernaut Newark mayor, Cory Booker. Lonegan, it may be remembered, agreed with fellow Bagger Rand Paul that Hurricane Sandy aid was "over the top." And being a member in good standing of the Tea Party, he is also anti-union, anti-choice, anti-gun safety legislation, anti-marriage equality, anti-etc., anti-etc., anti-etc.

But back to moderate Chris Christie. He very moderately desires to cut taxes for the wealthiest in New Jersey while moderately fucking the poorest in his state. This he has moderately done already to great effect. He moderately supports the failed austerity model. He moderately opposes a woman's constitutional right to choose. He moderately vetoed funding for Planned Parenthood and equal pay for women. He moderately opposes gay marriage and gun control legislation. He moderately despises unions, especially the one for teachers, who he has a particularly moderate loathing for and 10,000 of which he moderately cut in his first year. He moderately opposes Obamacare and moderately vetoed the Medicaid expansion bill. He moderately and famously vetoed federal funding for the tunnel project and now moderately presides over some of the highest unemployment in the country, while moderately watching private sector jobs leave the state like moderately wet rats.

Yes Governor Chris Christie is a moderate. The same way Senator Ted Cruz is a moderate Tea Party member, because he doesn't wear a tricorn hat festooned with tea bags.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Rand Paul, Minority Rights Champion

Washington, DC. Recently, on a trip to Silicon Valley, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) sat down for an interview with Wired and, among other things, touted his credentials as a champion of minority rights. Said the senator:

"If you've seen or read anything I've ever written or talked about, you'll find someone who's been a great defender of minority rights, a great defender of those who wish to be different, those who are different, those who have different religious beliefs. Those who are of an ethnic group that may be a minority. You'll find no greater champion of someone who believes that you have rights, privileges and immunities that go beyond what majorities are allowed to do."

Move over Martin Luther King, Jr. It appears we have completely misunderstood Senator Paul. What we unfairly assumed to be simple textbook racism is in fact quite the opposite.

For example, much has been made of Sen. Paul's objection to the Civil Rights Act of 1964, specifically his objection to the ban on racial discrimination in private businesses that serve the public. Many wrongly assumed this meant he was in favor of, say, a restaurant owner refusing to serve Blacks, when in fact he is entirely in favor of Black folk being served at restaurants throughout the country, with a side of hushpuppies.

Then there was the brouhaha regarding former aide, media director and co-author, Jack Hunter, who hosted a radio show as "The Southern Avenger," a persona that included a Confederate flag mask. And while Hunter railed against Hispanics and Blacks, compared Abraham Lincoln to Hitler and ritually toasts John Wilkes Booth's birthday every year, the former chairman of secessionist organization, The League of the South, is actually not a racist.

"I only wore that mask until my skin cleared up," Hunter said. "Plus I was tryin' to git a job as a wrestlin' villain, ya know, like The Iron Sheik or Sgt. Slaughter. And heck, that thing about comparing Lincoln to Hitler, it was supposed to be a compliment."

And now Senator Paul is being falsely accused of favoring voter disenfranchisement simply because he has no problem with Voter ID laws and doesn't see the need to restore the Voting Rights Act. As he stated:

“The interesting thing about voting patterns now is in this last election African-Americans voted at a higher percentage than whites in almost every one of the states that were under the special provisions of the federal government. So really, I don’t think there is objective evidence that we’re precluding African-Americans from voting any longer.”

So there you have it. And Senator Paul's idea of putting voting booths at the end of an American Ninja Warrior obstacle course is designed not to intimidate, not to disenfranchise, but to make voting more fun for everyone.

Meanwhile, Senator Paul is shopping for some good walking shoes so he can keep up with Rev. Al Sharpton and Congressman John Lewis as they link arms this coming weekend when they commemorate the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington. We can only hope they have room for one more monument on the National Mall.

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Tea Party & the Utopian Left

As a liberal, it's very easy to look at the racist, ignorant yahoos in the Tea Party and feel superior. From the misspelled posters to their demands that the government keep its hands off their Medicare to illogically insisting that President Obama is a Kenyan Muslim socialist, they provide people like me with enough grist to keep the satire mill running 24-7.

Recently, in a town hall meeting, North Carolina GOP Rep. Robert Pittenger ran head first into the Tea Party buzz saw when he declined to vote to repeal Obamacare for the 40th time. It seems that the Baggers in attendance were unconcerned about the reality of the situation, that being the fact that a repeal is impossible, and insisted he do it anyway to prove his conservative credentials. Reality be damned.

It would be easy to laugh at this futile stupidity, and I do regularly, but with the 2014 elections looming on the horizon, my laughter is tempered by the knowledge that we have not only the imbeciles in the Tea Party to deal with, but also those in the Utopian Left who are just as eager to derail the Democratic train and are busily involved in tearing up the tracks even now.

By "Utopian Left" I am referring to what some call the "Professional Left." These are pundits and journalists who are so pure that no Democrat living can attain to the lofty ideal they have constructed as well as that thirty-something guy named Tanner who, when not masturbating to the Che poster in his mother's basement (where he still lives), drags his djembe to every rally in Portland, whatever the cause, and refers to President Obama as "Obomber."

In other words, the Utopian Left are the idealists, the holier-than-thou purists, unaffected by reality, unclear on the concept of incrementalism, who insist it be all or nothing, see any compromise as surrender and are willing to wreck everything if they can't have their way. Exactly like the Tea Party.

These two disparate groups actually work towards the same end, by different means, that end being putting Republicans back in power. The Tea Party does this by rousing the base with misinformation, racism and fear. The Utopian Left by disheartening the base, claiming both parties are identical and that voting for a Democrat is pissing in the wind. This worked like a charm in 2010, and if you're enjoying the obstructionist House, please thank both groups.

Take Obamacare for example. The Tea Party hates it. The Utopian Left hates it, but for different reasons. The Baggers because it's "socialized medicine" (they suppose) and the Utopians because it isn't socialized enough. Obama, the pussy, should have demanded single-payer and since he didn't, they are willing to blow it up and take healthcare away from millions of Americans. There are no "first steps" for the Utopian Left. And if enough Americans die, maybe then things will change. Gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette. If the Republicans regain the Senate and the White House, both will have their way.

This same paradigm works on almost every important issue: The NSA, climate change, gay rights, women's rights, drone warfare, minimum wage, marijuana legalization, legal system inequity, etc. Neither group is happy with the direction being taken or the speed of progress, but all would be dramatically more god awful were the Republicans in charge. Sure, they might get rid of those immoral drones and then replace them with a full-on war with hundreds of thousands of dead women and children, and of course American soldiers. Would that make you happy? They can't wait, you know. It's part of the GOP DNA. We could see minimum wage outlawed. Abortion outlawed. Being gay outlawed. Voting while Black outlawed. Use your imagination. The sky's the limit. By the way, they hate the sky, too.

Look, I'm a lefty, not just a liberal. I hate drones. I hate the NSA spying on us. I want more done now on climate change, inequity in our justice system, voting rights and income equality. But I'm a lefty who lives in the real world. I see the obstacles the President faces, and they are not imaginary. I'll take some progress over none, or worse, ten steps backwards. Sniping at Obama from one's desk at a liberal website or banging on a djembe in a circle jerk, I mean drum circle, while chanting epithets as nasty as anything the Tea Party spits out will not move us one inch closer to Utopia.

©2013 Kona Lowell