The Republicans' Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

Washington, DC. There's an old saying about bad things coming in threes. I can only imagine that Republicans nationwide were praying for the week to be over and desperately hoping that that old saying would not need a revision. Unfortunately, their prayers caromed off a brass sky and their hopes are a smoking, fetid pile of ashes. I'm counting four.

1. Donald Trump and the thing that lives on his head enter the presidential race. As if there weren't enough unserious candidates making it tough for Jeb Bush to assume the mantle of Great White Hope and complete the Bush trifecta, here comes feces-thrower Trump, immediately flinging poop on the leading candidate, beating his chest and leaving no doubt that the circus has indeed come to town.

The RNC is in a collective cold sweat, because unless someone comes up with a Plan B very quickly, as in yesterday, nine Republican hopefuls will share a Fox News debate stage with a very mean-spirited, uncontrollable orangutan who cares about nothing but increasing his stockpile of bananas.

Yes, Jeb should make it out alive, although caked in orangutan shit. And the party itself will continue to be seen as pathetically out of touch as Trump, in the name of the GOP, will certainly manage to offend every minority in ways no one can yet even imagine. Democratic ad men are salivating.

2. The South finally loses the Civil War. I know, we thought it was over more than a century ago. But it took the tragic deaths of nine good people in a South Carolina church at the hands of a white supremacist Justin Bieber impersonator to remove the last symbol of their treasonous past. Even if Charlie Daniels is still proud he's a rebel and remains convinced that the South is gonna do it again, they will have to do it through gerrymandering, voter suppression/intimidation and quiet, structural racism sans the Confederate battle flag. This they can and will try to do, crocodile tears and professions of love for their Black fellow citizens notwithstanding. This tactic will eventually fail, and the tears will be real, as will our laughter.

3. Chief Justice John Roberts saves Obamacare. After sixty attempts to kill it and deprive millions of their fellow Americans of health care, and in thousands of cases, their lives, Republicans are now facing the utterly depressing reality that The Affordable Care Act is here to stay. What makes it particularly galling, aside from not being able to watch people suffer and die, is that they were counting on the Bush-appointed Roberts to share their callous disregard for humanity and thrust a dagger into the heart of the beast. Instead, he planted that dagger squarely in their back.

Of course this will not stop them from continuing to promise their knuckle-walking base that they will repeal it and replace it with Something a Black Guy Didn't Come Up With. This will happen when monkeys fly out of their butts. Luckily, Obamacare covers that condition.

4. Closeted Republicans can now get married anywhere in the US. Not that they will. No, they will continue to shriek and keen about the death of civilization, the persecution of Christians and predict all sorts of gory and improbable end-times destruction as they fund-raise off it and desperately try to stir up as much hatred and anger at the LGBT community as is possible. Then they will sneak off to have some hot man on man sex with Adam and Steve.

I suppose we should feel sorry for our Republican enemies. They've had a rough week. We should make some sort of gesture of good will, something to demonstrate our desire to reach across the aisle and listen to their ideas. Sending Confederate flag toilet paper would be a nice touch.

©2015 Kona Lowell