Unused First Draft of Romney's Liberty University Speech

Lynchburg, VA. This past weekend presumptive presidential nominee Mitt Romney delivered the commencement speech at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. We are fortunate to have received a copy of the first draft of that speech before it was drastically edited and present it here in its entirety.

"Hi there, boys and girls! I am severely honored to be here today, on this important occasion, as you make your way into the world and begin the work you've prepared for. I love Liberty University. The buildings are just the right height. Ha ha. I also love the name of your town, Lynchburg. It reminds me of trees. Ha ha.

"Now I know many of you think I'm a member of a cult, just because my religion tells me that God lives on a planet named Kolob and that Jesus is Satan's brother, but really I'm just like you: intolerant and Machiavellian, although richly cloaked with false piety, and in my case, magic boxers.

"Just like you, I believe marriage is sacred and is only to be between one man and one woman, unless you're Rush Limbaugh, and then it's one man and four women. Ha ha. Poor Rush, he was just born in the wrong century. If he had been born in my grandfather's day, he could have had all four at the same time! Ha ha.

"But seriously, we cannot let gay people ruin the institution of marriage. The next thing you know, they'll be getting divorces just like the rest of us. Imagine the log jam in the courts! And I still stand by my commitment to all American bakers they they not be required to create gay wedding cakes if it offends their consciences.

"And even though I believe Jesus came to America to teach the Indians, I, like you, am severely pro-life, except for endless war, the death penalty, Muslims and Irish Setters. That is why we must abolish Planned Parenthood and the ASPCA. If women want free health care, they should marry a guy with some money. As for the ASPCA, they spend millions aborting puppies. I want to live in a country where there is a dog for every car roof.

"Now you graduating students are entering the real world, where you must, like me, make your own way. And believe me, as a businessman I know how to do this. First, have a father who is a governor and president of a car company. Then be very tall and handsome. It's easy. If you don't make it in business, you can always be an underwear model. Ha ha.

"Of course I'm talking to the boys here! You girls are now equipped to be the best little homemakers the world has ever seen! Don't forget that! Breed your own soccer team! Ann did!

"So go out now into the world and use the knowledge you've amassed here at Liberty — creation science, revisionist history, Dominionist theology and smug intolerance — to return our nation to its glory days. There's a planet with your name on it waiting for you.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Breakfast

My neighbor Nick made us a wonderful and unique breakfast this morning. Aside from the fresh-squeezed OJ, he did his usual round, homemade waffles, but this time he cut a hole in the center, inserted a poached egg, which had spicy spam under it, then topped with hollandaise sauce. It was delicious. But he couldn't think of what to call it. I suggested Eggs Romney.

Austerity

The austerity measures the Republicans want to inflict upon this country would be the brilliant equivalent of canning the entire Chicago Fire Department right in the middle of the Great Chicago Fire.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Same-Sex Marriage

What? You think if gay people can't get married there will be less of them?

©2012 Kona Lowell

Fear

I have this recurring fear. It gnaws at me. It keeps me awake at night. It's there when I wake in the morning, leering at me from the foot of my bed.

You see, I write political humor and snark. My fear is that one day I will be completely out of ideas.

Then I turn on the news.

Fuck you, fear.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Defining Republican-Speak, Part 2

The following definitions are provided to help the average non-Republican understand the arcane language of the GOP. While most of these words and phrases are in common use, among the GOP they possess a certain esoteric, almost magical meaning. To read Part 1 of this series: http://konajournal.blogspot.com/2012/04/defining-republican-speak.html

Bipartisan (adjective) Democrats caving to Republican demands.

Compromise (verb) Archaic. No longer in use.

Poor (noun) Usually "The poor," people who have fallen out of favor with God.

Native American (noun) White European.

Bible (noun) A bludgeoning device.

Activist Judge A judge who bases decisions on what is best for the greatest number of people.

Strict Constructionist A judge who safeguards the wealth and power of the 1%.

Demographics (noun) A fear so overpowering it can only to be compared to slow, prolonged and total annihilation.

Facts (noun) Lies.

History (noun) Lies arranged in chronological order.

Sin (noun) A moral lapse committed by a Democrat.

Hope (noun) Deceased comedian known for USO tours.

Muslim (noun) Terrorist.

Terrorist (noun) Any person active in opposing Republican ideology, or any Muslim.

Voter Fraud A Democratic election victory.

Hawaii (noun) An island chain off the coast of Kenya.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Mitt Romney, Fifth Beatle

Washington, DC. It has been revealed in the past few days that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was actually the architect of the auto bailout that saved GM, that he would have killed Osama bin Laden with his own bare hands and that he is not a stuffed shirt, but a wild and crazy prankster who short sheets beds and gives chamber maids hilarious fake dismissal notices, but only today was it made known that he was actually the "Fifth Beatle."

"This is usually an honor bestowed upon Sir George Martin," said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "but it was actually Mitt who was instrumental in turning an average rock and roll band from Liverpool into the history-changing phenomenon that were the Beatles.

"For example, the Beatles wanted "Eleanor Rigby" to be a kazoo and banjo song, but Mitt insisted they use a string octet instead, producing one of the most memorable pieces of popular music ever created. Of course Mitt's piano work on "In My Life" is legendary."

The Romney campaign, however, was quick to dismiss any rumors of a reunion tour in the near future.

"Mitt's rock and roll days are behind him," Rhoades said, "He has other priorities. But we can and will return this country to the early sixties."

Meanwhile, Brian Wilson, 69 year-old founder of the Beach Boys, has agreed to add Romney's name to any further pressings of "Good Vibrations."

"We really couldn't have written that without Mitt," Wilson said, "He was a really more of a hodad, you know, but still in my mind a big kahuna. Drank a lot of milkshakes. Good dancer. Nice Woody."

©2012 Kona Lowell