How to Talk to Women: A Republican Guide

Washington, D.C. Facing a growing gender gap that sank Mitt Romney's candidacy in 2012 and the embarrassing numbers that torpedoed Ken Cuccinelli's run for governor in Virginia, Republicans are coming to terms with the fact that their interaction with women voters has been less than positive. Proving that much work in this area is still necessary, Iowa’s Republican Senate candidate Mark Jacobs explained the difference between communicating with men and women by opining “I think you have to connect with women on an emotional level. And with a wife of 25 years and an 18-year-old daughter, I’ve had a lot of coaching on that.”

Obviously this was not the sort of approach the GOP was looking for, so Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, after self-medicating and putting his 9mm back in the drawer, composed a list of dos and don'ts for GOP candidates, and those already serving, to follow when addressing women. Konajournal has managed to obtain a copy of this guide and now offers some of the highlights of the document:

Women do not want to be appealed to on a strictly emotional level, but they still love a man who can cry. When addressing the issue of childhood hunger, rub your eyes with a raw onion before speaking.

When addressing a woman with the "C" word, always preface it with the politically correct "Ms."

When complimenting a woman, do not ask if she is a model or a dancer. Ask if she was a nuclear physicist before she became a model or dancer.

Do not use the word "slut." Always use the term "lady of the evening."

When soliciting a lady of the evening at the Republican Convention or Faith & Family Coalition Forum, do not begin by asking, "How much for a blow job?" First, tell her how much she reminds you of your mother.

If a woman asks if you support birth control, show her the condom in your wallet and say "Yes. This is just my backup. I'm wearing one now."

When addressing a single mother, avoid suggesting she meet your cousin Bobby Jack who's due for parole any day now.

Women like good listeners. Nod frequently and wear earplugs.

Do not refer to women as "females." Also refrain from using the terms "fillies," "heifers" and "brood mares."

Again, do not mention rape, even the positive side of it. Especially on the first date.

When explaining to a pregnant woman why it is necessary for her to have an ultrasound before she can have an abortion, tell her that it comes with a free 8 x 10’ glossy print suitable for framing.

When complimenting a woman on her ass, avoid possible harassment charges by saying, "And I say that as a board certified optometrist."

If asked if you support equal pay for equal work, a fit of hysterical laughter while rolling on the floor is a dead giveaway that you don't.

If asked if you support a woman's right to choose, say "yes." It's not a lie, since you mean to choose which dress she wants to wear. Within reason, of course.

If asked if you support marriage equality, do not mention your vast collection of girl-on-girl porn.

Do not stare at a woman reporter's breasts while being interviewed. Cup them gently and maintain direct eye contact.

When badgering any woman hauled up before a congressional committee, offer her a cup of herbal tea before doing all within your power to make her cry and rue the day she ever had the audacity to get into politics.

When asked if you support maternity leave, suggest that is why God made grandmas.

All lesbians do not wear overalls and flannel shirts. This can get tricky.

Always bring your daughter to your campaign functions. If she hates your guts or is too Goth, rent one.

Try to emulate that guy in the Gevalia commercials.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is your all-time favorite movie, followed only by Love, Actually.

When faced with a room full of young women, do not ask yourself, "What would Richard Speck do?"

©2013 Kona Lowell

The Uncivil War

With Obamacare now firmly established as law, the healthcare website repaired, and therefore thousands more people enrolling daily, hope is fading for the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party being able to deny millions of uninsured Americans the healthcare they so desperately need. But the increasingly bleak outlook for halting everything Obama has not deterred the Tea Party patriots, but has instead invigorated their resolve to continue to fight for an utterly hopeless and immoral cause, much as their forefathers did at the only other time in our nation's history when our country was so starkly and violently divided — during the great American Civil War.

Award-winning filmmaker Ken Burns chronicles this Tea Party juggernaut in his new documentary, Uncivil War, airing on PBS in January. Konajournal is fortunate to have obtained a clip from the forthcoming film.

"The Baggers were beaten down, but did not ask for quarter. To a man, they remained grimly defiant. Although ill-equipped, materially and mentally, they stuck together, hoping to bring down Leviathan. In the winter of 2013, one such foot soldier wrote home to his dutiful and constant wife (cue Ashokan Farewell):

'My dearest Brandi,

I know it's been many months since I have put pen to paper to apprise you of our fortunes, but the fighting has been fierce and unrelenting. Forty-seven times we stormed the Hill to repeal the abomination known as Obamacare, but the Army of the Potomac routed us at each attempt. Yet we remain defiant and although on our heels, we are not on our backs. We fight on.

Only recently, our battle flag, the glorious Stars and Bars, made it to the very gates of the White House, where it waved majestically in the very Wind of Freedom, until, alas, the bluecoats removed it hence. But our other ensign, the Gadsden Flag, remained unchallenged and undefiled.

Now we prepare to embark on yet another delusive endeavor to slay Leviathan, by once again attempting to deprive the Beast of sustenance. If we must stack our bodies up as cord wood to shut down this Kenyan tyrant's government, so shall we do, my dearest. But do not weep for me or allow your precious self a moment of fear, for Providence is on our side, and if not Providence, at least part of Cranston is and some of Warwick.

God willing, I will return to you in the Springtime, dearest, in time for the monster truck show. Tell Johnny Paul to keep his damn hands off my tool box and to return my car ramps. 

We have been surviving on Hamburger Helper, tater tots and Mountain Dew these many months, so at least we are eating normally. Kiss the children for me, dearest. And I can count, so don't you be pregnant when I get home. Sic semper tyrannis,

Billy Joe' "

©2013 Kona Lowell