Friday, September 30, 2011

Wayne LaPierre

With a name like Wayne LaPierre, I suspect the president of the NRA of being a snail-eating, tongue-kissing, wine-sipping eater of cheese that smells like feet surrender monkey. Birth certificate please. No, the real one from France, you lying frog.

Drafting Christie

Washington, DC. Republicans are not giving up on their attempt to draft New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to run for president. Even though Christie has said no repeatedly and definitely, GOP icons from Nancy Reagan and Barbara Bush to George Pataki and Bill Kristol are ratcheting up their efforts to persuade the disinterested governor to throw his hat in the ring.

"The rudeness with which he deals with the lesser of his constituents is a breath of fresh air," said Kristol. "He treats people like something stuck on the bottom of his shoe. We need that kind of charisma in this party. We need a man who's not afraid to tell people they're stupid, to shut up and get out of his face. And anyway, Rickles is too old and he's a Democrat."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 


The word "bully" is Republican for "charisma."

Mayor Bloomberg Ends Occupy Wall St. Protest

New York City, NY. Mayor Michael Bloomberg effectively ended the nascent protest movement going on in Wall St. today when he appeared on the John Gambling radio show and chided protesters for targeting bankers who are "struggling to make ends meet."

"I had no idea," sobbed out-of-work teacher, Vicki Chauk, "just how much these poor people were suffering! One of the bankers had to let two of his gardening staff go this morning and the three he kept are now having to do double-duty in the polo stables. I'm sorry, I just can't talk any more right now."

"I just feel dirty," said Josh Tanner, a local student. "Do you have any idea how much it costs to scrape the barnacles off a 200 foot yacht? That means some barnacle-scraper guy isn't going to eat tonight. I'm going home."

"I'm stopping by the church on the way home," said firefighter Dale Ash, "and go to confession. I only hope there is still forgiveness for me. It's like tripping a handicapped person. Truffle sales are down and these poor souls are having to eat regular mushrooms. Dear sweet Jesus. I'm outta here."

Meanwhile, the rest of the 1,000 or so protesters were rolling up their sleeping bags, packing up their drums, picking up any loose trash and apologizing to the police. A few will remain to take up a collection for the bankers' families.

"It's the least we can do," said unemployed accountant Tim Cratchit, "I may have lost my job, but not my heart. God bless them every one."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Files Ethics Complaint Against Obama

Washington, D.C. Republicans filed an ethics complaint against President Obama this morning claiming that he he has been using the Office of the President to thwart their attempts to remove him from power, eliminate the middle class and return America to pre-Civil War glory.

"Mr Obama is running around the country telling people that it is unfair that billionaires don't pay the same tax rates as they do," said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "This is fundamentally true, and we're not going to put up with that. Using the high office of the Presidency to spread facts is un-American."

"Just because he's the president does not mean he can just say any true thing he likes," stated Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "We have traditions in this country. There is no room in governance for Mr Obama's apparent love affair with honesty. He doesn't even cheat at golf."

Candidate Mitt Romney also voiced his support for an investigation, "President Obama's sudden decision to play the truth card just goes to show that he will do anything to get re-elected. I think the American people have had enough of this. And I'm going to stand by this statement until it becomes politically unhealthy to do so."

Press Secretary Jay Carney tells us there is no plan for the President to start lying, but that he will in the future refrain from using the phrase "evil, selfish, racist pigfucks" and just say "Republican."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Cain: Blacks are Brainwashed

Atlanta, GA. Godfather's Pizza CEO and GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain has come to the conclusion that blacks are "over this first African-American president thing," but that they are, as a community, "brainwashed" into voting for Democrats.

When asked why this is the case, Mr Cain cited these examples of Democratic brainwashing:

"Well, first of all, the Democrats have always stood for civil rights, affirmative action, fair housing, equal employment opportunity, urban renewal, improving public education, supporting unions and of course all the social programs that many need to simply exist. This tends to brainwash them into thinking they should vote for them.

"We in the Republican party, however, have worked to counter this with a number of policies, like opposing affirmative action, doing away with social programs, making voting more difficult, crippling public education, busting unions and sending out pictures of Obama as a young chimp, sitting with his chimpanzee parents. None of this - none of this - has swayed the majority of black voters to vote Republican!

"So we are teaming up with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to encourage black voters to listen to our message and give the Republican party a try. Rush promises to play "Barack the Magic Negro" at least five times a day until our message of hope and equality sinks in. In the meantime, I will be reminding black voters that both my parents were black. I think Mr Obama is in trouble."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Primarying Obama

Austin, TX. As is constantly reported, President Obama's base is not only deeply disappointed with his performance, but so very angry that talk about running primary candidates to oppose him is gaining momentum. Both Dr. Cornell West and habitual presidential candidate Ralph Nader have lent their voices to this growing chorus of opposition and are demanding challengers arise.

We are here at the Cactus Cafe Bar at the UT campus in Austin, Texas, to talk to some of those who feel that primarying President Obama is critical for our democracy.

"Yes, I think we should primary him!" says freshman Chad "Che" Smallknuckles, "Gitmo is still open! The only thing that is going to wake this country up is putting the Republicans back in office. When 32 million people have their new health care revoked, maybe they will pay attention. It'll be blood in the streets, man. I'm ready. Mom's got enough food stored in our basement to last a month!"

"Being a lesbian, I'm really upset about DOMA. There's no difference between the parties," says sophomore Wendy Bliss, "So what if the Republicans pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage? I'm still going to be gay. Duh."

"Yeah, so the Repugs get in and they bust all the unions. Big fucking deal!" says Seth Wankerstein, "We don't have unions in Texas. Hey, I'm late for my Socialist Workers meeting."

"Obama's an Uncle Tom," avers sophomore LaMont Mfume Johnson, "He's keeping the black man down! At least the Republicans are honest racists. So what if they want to repeal civil rights legislation? They've got to get it past the Supreme Court! How are you going to do that?"

"The parties are exactly the same," states Heather Stroker, "Okay, so the GOP wants to end abortion and stuff. So what? I only do oral."

"I'm voting Green," states part-time freshman Moon Opossum Batschitz, "It's my favorite color."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


I'm so excited about X-Factor. It's thrilling to know I will never watch it in a million years.

Reagan to Run for President in 2012

Washington, DC. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus announced this morning that the GOP has decided to make the only logical move left to them in winning back the White House in 2012.

"After weighing our options, we have decided to run the corpse of Ronald Reagan. We need a candidate that the people can really get behind and even though he's dead, he's better than what we've got."

Asked how the dead president would fare in the debates, Priebus responded, "Well, he would do better than Perry. We plan to have a really good picture of him on the coffin and recordings of his voice which will repeat 'There you go again,' 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help you' and 'I paid for this microphone.' That should cover just about anything."

Commenting from his perch at The Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol responded to the news by saying he thought it was a great idea and that with a dead Reagan there would be no chance of him raising taxes or the debt ceiling again.

"Although he might want to invade Grenada one more time. We'll just have to keep him in his box."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Fat Chance

Republicans are wooing the politically coy Gov. Chris Christie in hopes that he will give a huge boost to their slim chances of fielding a beefy contender who can take on and beat President Obama. Already souring on their thin slate of candidates, it is becoming clear to many GOP pundits that only a heavyweight like Christie can give them a stout chance of restoring the pachyderm party to power.

Rep. Peter king (R-NY) says he spoke to Gov. Christie again yesterday and that the Governor showed some signs of reconsidering.

"I asked him if he could please run for the presidency," said King, "and he told me he might be able to jog a short distance for it."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Pizza Magnate

Herman Cain is a pizza magnate. I, on the other hand, am a pizza magnet.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Cain's New Campaign Slogan

Atlanta, GA. Herman Cain announced he's revving his campaign up a notch after his surprise victory in the Florida Straw Poll. The new roll-out includes a fresh new slogan designed to further energize his base:

"Cain is Able! This Brother's a Keeper."

Meanwhile, Ron Paul is thinking of reworking his "Just go ahead and fucking die" slogan to hopefully attract more of America's information-challenged youth vote.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Dennis Miller Endorses Herman Cain

Los Angeles, CA. The Republican nomination just became a bit more certain for Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain with the endorsement of a-list entertainer and all-around smart guy Dennis Miller. The "Thinking Man's Comedian" will host a fundraiser for the candidate in Los Angeles in a move that has other GOP candidates scrambling for support of other big name celebrities.

Said Miller, "Some people see this campaign as a bit Cervantesesque, but we're not tilting at windmills. And we're not going dutch. I'm happy to play Sancho Panza to Cain, who is more than able. In fact, I'm happier than Peter O'Toole with a case of 1984 Chateau Rothschild Lafite and the cast of M Butterfly in his hot tub."

Said Mr Cain, "Huh?"

Huntsman, Gingrich, Santorum, Bachmann, Perry and Romney are all quickly sending their campaign managers out to counter this coup. David Hasselhoff, Carrot Top, Meatloaf and Ben Stein are just a few of the names mentioned to help desperate candidates compete with Miller's Hollywood clout.

Ron Paul on the other hand, has stated that he doesn't need any celebrity endorsement and is counting on the GOP's well known lack of anything resembling empathy to pull him through.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Farting Man

Republicans are starting to distance themselves from Rick Perry like elevator passengers trapped with someone suffering a severe attack of flatulence. Apparently, they're worried that his utter lack of knowledge on foreign affairs, his insistence that Social Security is an unconstitutional and illegal Ponzi scheme, his not hateful enough immigration policy and his transparently false "Texas Miracle" will not convince Americans to reject their own best interests and commit national suicide.

Maybe there's still hope though. Sarah?

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Debates

The GOP debates have become a contest to see who can get away with the biggest lie in front of a national audience. Their nominee will be the one who has shown the most skill at this and the least amount of shame.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I am disregarding my own philosophy by writing this. Yes, the one about teaching pigs to sing. But this constant chorus of "Both parties are exactly the same!" must be countered and shown to be a lie once and for all.

First, there are similarities. Both parties are much too obligated to corporate donors, though I would argue that the Democrats have not entirely abandoned the middle class in favor of the rich exclusively, as the Republicans have done with amazing honesty and transparency. Of course much of this has to do with campaign financing on the Dem side while the GOP simply hates anyone who is not wealthy, and for the most part, white.

Second, both parties' Middle East policies suck large, the Democrats being far too ready to invade a nation there while the GOP is absolutely salivating over the idea. Both also seem to believe that Israel is our 51st state. Actually, it isn't.

Those are the two greatest similarities. Now let's see if we can spot some differences.

Which party do you suppose is more likely to defend a woman's right to have an abortion? Get birth control? This should be a fairly easy one, since the GOP in the past year has written almost 200 pieces of legislation designed to end both while defunding Planned Parenthood.

How about a simple and basic right like voting? 26 states have enacted voter ID laws or are doing so. Republicans in many of these states are reducing absentee voting, cutting back on polling locations, etc., all with the intent of disenfranchising the poor, minorities, the elderly and the young. Ever seen the Democrats do that?

How about taxation? Which party do you believe wants a progressive, fair tax and which wants to protect the upper 2%?

Which party is more environmentally friendly? The one who wants to eliminate all environmental regulations or the one that created the regulations?

Maybe you're a member of the LGBT community. Which party is more likely to care about your rights? Which is working to make you a second-class citizen and wants a constitutional amendment guaranteeing that?

Let's say you are a minority. Any minority. Which party is more likely to care about your interests? Which party cares about civil rights, and which has dozens of members serving who believe these rights were unnecessary or even unconstitutional?

Possibly you are an atheist, a liberal Christian or some other faith. Which party is more likely to keep the wall of separation between Church and State? Which party's presidential candidate just had a fundamentalist prayer rally in a 60,000 seat arena?

Maybe you are a scientist, or someone who believes science is important and has a large role to play in making this a better world. Which party seems to agree with that concept and which wants to teach Creationism in our schools, denies global climate change, thinks being gay is a choice and generally would hang Galileo?

Suppose you are a student, or someone who believes that education is critical to maintaining a healthy country. Which party wants to insure that an education is available to all and which wants to eliminate the Department of Education, home school children, destroy public schools and make college unaffordable for any but the wealthiest Americans?

So you're a union member. Which party wants to end your right to organize and wants to send your job overseas? Which party paints teachers, nurses, cops, firefighters and other union members as parasites who have destroyed our economy? Which doesn't?

Or maybe you're a reasonable person who appreciates diplomacy over war. Which party is more apt to sit down and talk and which is more likely to sing "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" as if it were funny?

Okay, let's say none of the above really matters to you. Which party is more likely to improve the economy? You can arrive at an answer by a quick check of history. One party has historically had lower deficits and greater growth than the other one. Every time.

I could go on, but this should be enough to establish that important differences exist. Being disappointed in Obama is understandable, maybe even fashionable. But handing the control of our country back to people bent on making it worse for all of us (excluding the top 2%), is not smart. It is also remarkably selfish and amoral. People will die. I know, I know, I'm a liberal. Things like that matter to me.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Spelling Lesson

Regressive. Extreme. Pompous. Unfair. Benighted. Lying. Ignorant. Callous. Amoral. Negligent. Yes, that spells "Republican."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Class Warfare

Calling it "class warfare" when we demand fair taxation and shared sacrifice from the wealthy is like accusing a rape victim who fights back of being "stuck up."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Boise State Flagged by NCAA

Boise, Idaho. The Boise State Broncos Athletic Department is reeling from today's announcement by NCAA officials that the school's obnoxiously blue football field must be painted green, like a normal, non-psychotic gridiron.

Said one NCAA official, John Spong, "The electric blue field, combined with the garish blue and orange uniforms, is causing many of our middle-aged attendees to suffer LSD flashbacks. We cannot have spectators attempting to fly out of their seats into crowds below. We are also having an increase in projectile vomiting due to nausea among younger spectators. This is intolerable, even in Boise."

Chris Petersen, Broncos head coach, said he thought the colors blue and orange went great together and said it was not his fault some of the spectators got hold of some bad acid back in the day.

Boise State officials said they were willing to compromise with the NCAA.

"How about paisley?" Peterson suggested.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Dead Meat

Michele Bachmann, in an effort to bolster a flagging and financially desperate campaign, posed among hanging steer carcasses today at a meat-processing plant in Des Moines.

When asked if she felt it was possibly a bit ironic to be photographed surrounded by "dead meat," Ms Bachmann replied, "President Obama thinks class warfare will solve our problems. We can't be taxing the Job Creators at a time like this. The American people want jobs, not higher taxes."

Three of the reporters on the scene immediately retired from journalism, one hung himself among the beef carcasses and the lone Fox reporter quickly left the scene with an ever-widening stain in the crotch area of his Dockers.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

A Promise Kept

One promise President Obama made became law this morning at 12:01.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Tough Talk Fails to Satisfy Many on the Left

President Obama delivered one of his toughest speeches today, establishing clear differences between the parties. Ignoring the Republicans' warnings against raising taxes on "job creators," Mr Obama stated that the days of the wealthy not paying their fair share are over.

And yet it was many on the left who were still not satisfied with the President's line in the sand. Liberal blogs and websites doubted Mr.Obama's resolve while others claimed it was no more than a campaign ploy. Still others reiterated their pony-less disappointment and threatened to vote for Nader or anyone who could guarantee a Republican victory in 2012, in the hopes that it would create wide-spread disaster, blood in the streets and a costly civil war resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of their fellow citizens.

"The American people need a wake-up call," said one anonymous blogger. ""Nothing like streets full of rotting bodies and crying children to do that. Hey, gotta go finish my homework."

Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters that for the next speech President Obama will grow a goatee and wear fatigues and a beret in hopes of currying favor with FDL, Common Dreams and the kids that post from their parents' basement at Democratic Underground.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Bachmann Doubles Down

Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is not backing down on her claims that the HPV vaccine can cause mental retardation in teens, instead of preventing cervical cancer as it is designed to do.

"I was only parroting what some unidentified woman told me and figured that the best thing to do would be to blurt it out in a national debate in front of millions of Fox viewers. But if you go to the mall these days I think you will see all the proof you need."

Bachmann also demanded the recall of Cheetos as it is well known that lonely teenage boys that eat them frequently develop orange-colored penises.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Fear Grips NYC

Some concerned New Yorkers are warning their fellow citizens of a grave and present danger this coming September 21st. The 'Ground Zero Mosque,' which is neither a mosque nor at Ground Zero, will be presenting an exhibition of photographs that features portraits of children from other countries now residing in the city. The stated goal of the exhibit "is about finding the courage to meet and get to know neighbors to build trust and friendship."

Pam Geller, part-time human and full-time anti-Islam harpy dipshit, expressed her concern:

"We don't know who these children are. Some have dark skin. Others have that undeniable 'terror' look that can only mean 'I have a bomb. Let's be friends.' This whole exhibit is nothing more than a cynical plot on the part of these Islamic terrorists. What's next? Food from around the world? Music? Art? This is how it starts. First they lull you into complacency by being just like you, then before you know it they get treated like people."

Meanwhile, Rep Peter King (R-NY) is forming a committee comprised of Daniel Pipes, Chris May, Michael Medved and former mayor Ed Koch to determine if falafels should be classified as a gateway drug.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Say cheese.

The Republican party is to honesty as Velveeta is to cheese.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Friday, September 16, 2011

In an effort to garner interest and respect from the Tea Party voters, Jon Huntsman's campaign manager, Sarah Crawford Stewart, says that in the next GOP debate Mr Huntsman will wear one of those arrow-through-the-head things and talk in a funny, high-pitched voice.
Today President Obama ran into a roadblock with congressional Republicans over his jobs bill. Mr Obama stated that he believes the best way to get unemployed Americans back to work, and boost the economy, is to immediately begin repairing decaying infrastructure and also give some much needed tax relief to the middle class.

The Republicans, after taking their fingers out of their ears and singing "la la la la la" at the top of their lungs, said something about Reagan, beat a dog with a Bible, danced in a circle around Eric Cantor while shouting "hoy, hoy, hoy!" and filed out of the chamber whistling "The Bridge Over the River Kwai."

A bewildered President Obama said, "I'm taking that as a "no."

Bachmann doing her damndest to make us forget the corny dog picture.
As fun as it is, in a schadenfreude sort of way, to believe Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with a black Michigan basketball player, it cannot possibly be true. She went back.
I'm so fucking glad Obama doesn't wear cowboy boots.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Tell a lie often enough, and it will appear as a crawl on Fox News.
Romney camp accuses Perry of eating Afghan waffles. Oh wait. Excuse me. Romney camp accuses Perry of waffling on Afghanistan.
There are two kinds of Republicans: Those who are wealthy, greedy, heartless assholes and those who support wealthy, greedy, heartless assholes in the odd chance that they may someday be one too.
We on the left are often railing against the Republicans for having no new ideas. In the past, this has been true. All they were able to come up with were lower taxes on the wealthy, abolishing regulations affecting corporations and the tired emphasis on God, guns and gays. But times have changed.

This new breed of Republicans have a plethora of new ideas to change the nation. Forever.

For example, who would have thought of reapportioning electoral votes in Pennsylvania so that Democrats would be unable to win the state? Or changing voting laws in a few dozen states so minorities, students, poor people and seniors would have a more difficult time voting? Or one of their best, making it possible for corporations to give unlimited funds to campaigns?

We liberals must give credit where credit is due. These new Republicans, unfettered by morality, patriotism, a respect for the Constitution or even pesky common decency could teach us a thing or two. One, we are unlikely to get them to join hands and sing kumbaya and two, the time to unite is now.

Or we can just let them have their way. Nah.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Perfunktory (per-funk-to-ry) adjective: Carelessly or superficially performing Sly and the Family Stone or George Clinton music, usually pertaining to white musicians.
Punktilious (punk-til-i-ous) adjective: Strict or exact in the belief that the Dead Kennedys were a better band than the Circle Jerks.
Michele Bachmann has unveiled the cover of her new (ghost-written) book. It's title, Core of Conviction: My Story. Here's hoping conviction is in her future. She'd look lovely in orange.
Republicans nationwide are expressing varying degrees of shame, sadness and embarrassment over the inappropriate applause and cheering at the recent debates. As has been seen repeatedly on assorted news programs, wild spontaneous outbursts of applause and cheering occurred when Perry's 234 executions were mentioned and when Ron Paul was asked if we should just let the uninsured sick among us die.

Today, GOP Chairman Reince Priebus took this possibly party-damaging behavior on and reassured Greta Van Susteren that this behavior does not reflect the views of a majority of Republicans.

"The American people realize that we are the party of compassion. We have demonstrated that uniquely Republican trait in our outreach to Muslims, the LGBT community, unions, African-Americans, women and the unemployed. We have extended that compassion to the four million made homeless in Iraq and the families of the million or so dead. Cheering for death is not something we do publicly, but in the confines of our own living rooms, board rooms and churches. As a Republican, I am deeply saddened that we were exposed."
As TPM reports today, the Super Deficit Committee is facing a regular Grand Canyon of a divide over basic facts. After several hours, the Republican members agreed that the word "committee" actually had all those letters in it but they reached a standstill only moments later.

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) and Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT) got into a heated exchange over exactly what the point of the the committee was. Baucus contended that it was to reduce the deficit while preserving social programs but Portman argued that he was under the impression that it was to preserve breeding stock for future food sources for the rich. Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ) concurred and said he was hoping that the poor could be fed a strict diet of vegetables as it produces a more savory, if leaner, meat.

No consensus was reached, but all 12 members agreed to take a lunch break and ordered Chinese.
Ever wonder what would happen if we on the left focused our righteous anger on the Republicans instead of Obama and the Democrats? Just a thought.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

It's official. Consumer defender Elizabeth Warren will be running for Senator in Massachusetts to unseat one-time Cosmo model and regular guy Scott Brown. At present, she faces an uphill battle but is planning to buy a used pickup truck, wear more flannel and is searching through her college files for those old nude photos she had taken for her art class. Said Warren, "Scott has nice abs, decent pecs and is great if you like hairy chests. But when he sees these bazongas he's gonna wish I was Teddy Kennedy."
Damn, I sure have big teeth! Luckily people are usually looking at my big nose.
This just in: Justin Bieber Wears Women's Jeans! Elsewhere, aging rock musicians worldwide sighed, took another drink, and fondly remembered how easy it was to get into women's jeans when they were Bieber's age.
Yesterday, Senate Republicans blocked a FEMA disaster relief package worth 7 billion dollars for the hard-hit East Coast states. Minority Leader Harry Reid, looking stern and angry in his jet black tutu, scolded the Republicans for not allowing the measure to come to a vote. Eric Cantor, who has insisted frequently that disaster relief to stricken states should be offset with spending cuts, appeared to soften his stance.

"We are not without sympathy for those who are the victims of these horrible natural disasters," Cantor said. "All we want is complete and total control of all branches of government, an end to all regulations on businesses, DADT reinstated, Roe v Wade overturned, a few amendments removed from the Constitution and the immediate resignation of President Obama."

Reid had no further comment, but an aide stated, "I think we can work with that."

In a new survey by moderate think tank group Third Way, it was discovered that a majority of those voters who either switched parties in the 2010 election or did not vote at all, have decided to vote for Obama in 2012. Said one survey participant, Virgil Thunk, "I thought it would be cool to see what happened if the Republicans got hold of the country again. But I didn't think it would be so scary." Thunk is a professional motorcycle daredevil who jumps rows of burning school buses and ex-bomb squad officer.

This just in. Speaker Boehner and House Majority Leader Cantor have announced that they are willing to meet President Obama halfway. They are now acknowledging his mother's white DNA as President.
How can you tell when Republicans are pro-life? They cheer for 234 executions and letting people without health insurance die.
Well, I'm new at this and more than somewhat technically challenged. Hope nothing blows up. Here goes.