Thursday, May 21, 2015

The GOP Debates: An Embarrassment of Riches

Washington, DC. While many nations around the world are dealing with painful shortages in resources, our great country has an abundance — even a surplus — in one crucial resource: people who want to be the Republican nominee for president. And while this is of course something to celebrate, it does present some problems, especially when it comes to the twelve (yes, 12) Republican debates that will take place between August and March.

As of now, there are about 36 potential candidates, some declared, some still testing the waters. But even though that list will be eventually whittled down, it will still be in the double digits, making the debate structure unwieldy. Organizers cannot count on looming indictments to reduce the field sufficiently.

Several suggestions arose to reduce the number, like flying all the candidates to a remote and unpopulated island where their survival skills would determine who continues to the debates. However, as some are known cannibals, it was felt that they would have an unfair advantage.

Musical chairs was also briefly considered as a means of thinning the herd, but was deemed too complicated for the rhythm-challenged predominantly white group of candidates.

Also ruled out were a talent contest, an MMA-style cage fight, a round of Truth or Dare, who's mate is more popular than Bill Clinton as well as Governor Christie's suggestion of a hotdog eating contest.

Fortunately, Fox News came up with a plan, for at least the first debate, that being that only announced candidates can participate and all must place in the top 10 of an average of the five most recent polls, as recognized by Fox News (whatever that means). This scheme will of course be immediately shitcanned if Carly Fiorina doesn't make the cut because there absolutely must be a woman on the stage at all times. Ditto for Dr. Ben Carson and your choice of Latino.

Yet even with these rules in place, it is likely that there will be more than ten debaters on the stage. And that could likely include the high-polling Donald Trump and that thing that lives on his head.

CNN came up with a different plan, splitting their September debate into two parts: the 10 highest polling candidates, and "candidates who meet the minimum threshold of 1 percent in public polling but are ranked outside the top 10." This is very clever, and considerate, as legitimate candidates will not be forced to stand in puddles of drool or inhale the smoke from burning hair while explaining how Obama is responsible for the Iraq War.

While there are certainly reasons to grumble in this great country of ours, lack of Republican candidates willing to lie repeatedly in public and on video is definitely not one of them. Never before have so many stepped forward to take us several steps backwards. The GOP debates are an embarrassment of riches. Okay, make that just an embarrassment.

©2015 Kona Lowell