Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Barack Hussein Obama, Dictator

Washington, DC. To hear some Republicans tell it, the United States has officially become a kingdom. Others say it's even worse — a dictatorship, not some benevolent monarchy, and Barack Hussein Obama is our dictator, a ruthless, Constitution-shredding (foreign-born) despot who will stop at nothing to reduce our once-great republic to a republic where bananas grow with wild abandon.

Apparently, this happened while we were all napping. A slow-motion coup, according to Limbaugh, Ingraham, Levin and other Jeremiahs of the Republican Party. This calamitous view is shared by prominent lesser-paid — but actually elected — Republican leaders as well, like Steve King (R-Iowa) and John Cornyn (R-Texas) who, risking their own personal safety, dare to warn the cowering American populace and hopefully restore Bush-era constitutional fidelity.

Now some Americans are reasonably asking themselves, "What the fuck?" Their consternation comes from the fact that there are no tanks in the streets, they continue to do exactly what they've been doing (some with healthcare for the first time, a same-sex spouse and legal pot), voting when there's nothing good on TV and it all feels very un-dictatory. But Republicans can smell it.

See, aside from the fact that President Obama has entirely too much melanin to qualify for the highest office in the all the land, there's his threat to use executive action to get around Congress and, you know, do something. Never mind that he's issued fewer executive orders than any of his recent predecessors, it's that he does it with so goddamn much, well, Blackness. Worse, he simply refuses to let the Republicans continue to put the brakes on anything that resembles progress and now even refuses to smile when they spit in his face.

Never having lived in a dictatorship or a banana republic (though we get choke banana here in Hawaii), I can't say for sure, but it seems that more than that is required to make someone a dictator. Like absolute power, or merciless elimination of opponents or eradication of the free press. At least a funny hat.

Obama doesn't even have a beard. And it seems to me that if he were truly a dictator, Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Mark Levin, Steve King and John Cornyn would be represented by little flickering votive candles. The word "gridlock" would cease to be used to describe the political process. The red states would be begging Mexico for food and supplies and petitioning the UN for intervention. Fox News would be airing Fox & Friends 24 hours a day, with hosts Mike Malloy, Thom Hartmann and Stephanie Miller. Kanye West would be Chief Justice. And the White Sox would win the Series. Every fucking year.

You know, aside from that last thing, an Obama dictatorship might not be so bad.

©2014 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Pity the Republicans

It's really tough being a Republican these days, and as an empathetic person, I'm feeling something strangely akin to pity for them. And if you are a Republican, you're not going to like this, but it's only going to get worse. Much, much worse. Sorry.

It all started with the installation of sock puppet George W. Bush as president. The nation was happily basking in the booming Clinton economy, we had a budget surplus and all an incoming president had to do was be a half-way decent caretaker and all would be well. But you know what happened. The Bush administration ignored numerous dire warnings and sat with their thumbs up their collective butts allowing Americans to experience terrorism firsthand. To compensate for their complete lack of anything resembling feck, they launched two wars, including the longest one in our nation's history and one based entirely on bullshit. This, and a few other unfunded programs, sent the economy spiraling downward and the deficit soaring into the stratosphere.

Suddenly, Americans began to have the creeping realization that maybe, just maybe, Republicans weren't the economic and foreign policy geniuses they always promised us they were.

This led to a dramatic change in fortunes, one that even in their most fevered nightmares Republicans could not have dreamed: a Black man with little experience and an Arabic name beat their senior, war hero, next-in-line-to-be-crowned candidate for the presidency. And beat him badly. The sky began to fall.

And although they obstructed every step of the way, President Obama managed to get things done. He rescued the economy, halting the worst recession since the Great Depression. He cut the deficit in half. He ended the war in Iraq. He passed The Affordable Care Act, changing healthcare in this country, something presidents had been trying to do for decades. Gays were allowed to openly serve in the military. Dependence on foreign oil shrank. In other words, people saw this young man clean up Bush's mess and then some and began to wonder why they would ever be stupid enough to vote Republican again.

But the Republicans did not give in. Proving themselves to be as lacking in clues as they are in feck, they nominated escaped Disney automaton Mitt Romney to unseat the uppity usurper. But this did not work out too well when their candidate made it clear to one and all he that he could give a flying fuck about the poor or middle class, that he was a pathological liar and that he had all the charm of a sticky doorknob.

Barack Hussein Obama won again, and to their alarm, the White House still had Black folk living in it that were not there to clean it or prepare food.

About this time, the domestic wing of al Qaeda, know colloquially as The Tea Party, began to fall out of favor with Americans, due to their penchant for un-governing by terrorism. The Republicans began to desperately attempt to regroup, rebrand and re-message, but no one was buying it. Not even the media. To make matters worse, it became obvious that Republicans had this thing about rape, that Rush Limbaugh was their de facto party head and that they were running out of voting blocs to alienate.

They watched helplessly as same-sex couples married and marijuana became legalized in some states. They gnashed their teeth as data revealed that Americans were drifting ever more to the left, even as the Tea Party attacked them from the right. They stared in horror at polls showing Hillary Clinton crushing any candidate they could think of running.

Except one. Their Great White Hope. Their Messiah. The only man who could beat Hillary Clinton and save them from the richly deserved shitpile of History: New Jersey governor, Chris Christie.

Sucks to be them. So now they're floating Jeb Bush's name, like that's going to help. This nation wants another Bush in the White House like it wants another Bush in the White House.

And today, Governor Bob Ultrasound McDonnell and his shopaholic but lovely wife have been indicted on felony charges, so they can cross that Golden Boy off as well, unless he wants to campaign from federal prison.

Yes, being a Republican does not appear to be an enjoyable vice to indulge any more. That's not to say they won't win an election here and there, they will. We live in a stupid fucking country. But it's a stupid fucking country that's getting smarter, browner, Blacker, younger and more female every minute. But hey, don't lose heart, Republicans, you've still got Bobby Jindal, Rand Paul and Ted Cruz.

Remember what I said about feeling something akin to pity in the beginning of this little essay? It was indigestion. I ate a Tums. I'll be fine.

©2014 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Understanding Your Stupid Republican Friends

Last Sunday on Meet the Press, the only place where Republicans can go to lie unchallenged besides Fox News, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus made this astonishing statement regarding Governor Chris Christie and his news conference on the bridge scandal: "He stood there for 111 minutes in an open dialogue with the press. Now if only Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton would give us 111 seconds of that, would we find out some things we want to find out about Obamacare, Benghazi the IRS -- I mean Chris Christie has been open here."

Odd. I seem to remember Hillary Clinton testifying for hours before the very aggressive House Oversight and Government Reform Committee on the Benghazi embassy attack. I have these strange recollections of President Obama addressing not only Benghazi but the IRS non-scandal as well, and a contentious hearing on that, too. I have this fleeting image in my mind of hundreds of thousands of documents being released. And I have these weird memories of Obama apologizing several times for the bad healthcare rollout and for certain policies being cancelled that he said would not be.

It must have all been a horrible dream. Or, Republicans are liars.

Good news. I'm not crazy. I was able to determine that it was the second option by doing a 15 second Google search. Republicans are liars. About almost everything.

But how in the world can they get away with this? Well, aside from Meet the Press, they have their own network, Fox News, where facts go to die 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

This is why to most Fox News viewers, Reince Priebus is a truth-teller and Governor Christie a shining beacon of honesty, courage and raw manliness. And the fact that Fox devoted a whopping 14 minutes and 21 seconds to covering the scandal on January 8, the day the feces encountered a series of radiating vanes attached to and revolving with a central hub to produce a current of air, while CNN and MSNBC each spent over 2 hours reporting on the fiasco, may be one reason.

So do not be surprised if Republicans you know are outraged that you simply can't believe that everyone surrounding Governor Christie knew what was going on but he did not. For months. Or that President Obama and Hillary Clinton have not spent 111 seconds responding to questions about Benghazi, the IRS or Obamacare. Or that FEMA is setting up concentration camps. Or that climate change is a hoax. Or that there really were WMD in Iraq. Or that Obama is a Muslim from Kenya. Or that teachers and unions tanked the economy. Or that cutting taxes for the wealthy will make us all rich. Or that President Obama tripled the deficit. Or that Social Security is bankrupt. Or that most people receiving welfare are Black drug addicts. Or that immigrants have stolen our jobs. Or that raising the minimum wage will put Walmart out of business.

They can't help it. It's the company they keep.

©2014 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Can't-Miss Predictions for 2014

Most pundits are rightfully hesitant to make predictions, but like Bill Kristol I have never been wrong about anything so all that I forecast here you can drop in the express deposit slot at your local bank. So with 2014 just putting on its shoes, here's what to expect:

Republicans, not content with practically eliminating abortion services in states they control will work to make birth control a luxury item, like Louis Vuitton handbags and Fendi ermine flip-flops, and premarital sex punishable by public stoning.

Women, who outnumber men, will suggest they go fuck themselves and vote to give them plenty of time to figure out how to do that.

Republicans will continue to make it more difficult for minorities to vote, requiring African-Americans to sing at least one Travis Tritt song as proof of citizenship.

Black folk will suddenly realize that they make up almost 14% of the US population and say enough of this fucking shit.

The mainstream media will ask why Obama still refuses to compromise with Republicans and remind us daily that Social Security is bankrupt, and to prove it, will feature scores of white, Republican men on their Sunday talk shows who agree to lie that it is.

The Tea Party will fracture into separate sects, among which will be the Herbal Tea Party (pro-marijuana legalization), the Tee Tea Party (pro-golden showers) and the Tea He Party (men's rights).

MSNBC hosts will tearfully apologize over and over and over, continuing with a tradition started in 2013. Lawrence O'Donnell will ask our forgiveness for being a non-drinking East Coast Irish liberal who wrote for the Communist-inspired West Wing. Reverend Al will will appear in sackcloth and ashes for being terrible at reading the teleprompter and for mentioning James Brown too often. Chris Matthews will tearfully acknowledge his propensity for not letting stupid, lying Republicans get away with being stupid, lying Republicans. Ed Schultz will resign due to unbridled populism and giving a fuck. And in lieu of an apology, Rachel Maddow will dye her hair blond, wear really short dresses, get a boob job, giggle a lot and crinkle her nose when she has to say a really hard word or talk about anything icky.

No one at Fox will apologize for a goddamn thing.

Herman Cain will finally learn how to pronounce Uzbekistan, but no one will ask him to.

Sarah Palin will pose for Playboy. Rich Lowry, editor of the National Review, will be the first person to ever die from excessive masturbation.

Phil Robertson will stun his bigoted audience when he and the boys release their previously unseen gay porn film, titled, you guessed it, Dick Dynasty.

Rush Limbaugh will get married again. The wedding will take place in his favorite vacation spot, the Dominican Republic, where he met his bride-to-be. Twelve year-old Maria says she looks forward to all the candy.

To remove all traces of bias, Karl Rove will replace David Gregory on Meet the Press, and the show will be retitled to Press the Meat to more accurately reflect its content.

Republicans will continue to stifle all progress and look for new and creative ways to screw the poor and middle class, but will do so while wearing more flannel.

Mitt Romney will remain poignantly irrelevant and obscenely wealthy. He will learn to live with it.

To piss off Republicans, President Obama will begin the State of the Union address with "S'up?"

©2014 Kona Lowell