Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Cain Endorsement Sends Gingrich Skyrocketing

Oompaloompa, FL. With these powerfully fustian words, "I hereby officially and enthusiastically endorse Newt Gingrich for president of the United States," Herman Cain lit up the meeting of the Oompaloompa Republican Party and sent Newt Gingrich's popularity skyrocketing among black Republican voters and Tea Party members.

Cain continued in explaining his bold endorsement, "There are many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is that I know that Speaker Gingrich is a patriot. Speaker Gingrich is not afraid of bold ideas and I also know that Speaker Gingrich is running for president and going through this sausage grinder. I know what this sausage grinder is all about. I know that he is going through this sausage grinder because he cares about the future of the United States of America.

"And we are both recognized as gentlemen who enjoy having our sausages grinded regularly and often."

Mr. Cain's endorsement came as a welcome and unexpected windfall to the sputtering Gingrich campaign. Said Gingrich campaign manager, Michael Krull, "We knew we had the adultery vote sewed up, but Mr. Cain's endorsement has assured us the much-coveted self-hating black vote. This extra .001 percent of the vote may be just enough to put us over the top. And with Mr. Cain vigorously defending Speaker Gingrich's manifestly racial dog-whistling, we may get that up to .002 percent by the time we hit Alabama in March."

Meanwhile, Ron Paul has been forced to take public transportation to recent events as his interplanetary space craft is in the shop for minor repairs.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Obama Divides Nation in State of the Union Speech

Washington, DC. Last night in his third State of the Union speech, President Barack Obama divided the nation as Republicans had predicted. As Speaker John Boehner said the day before:

"This is a president who said I'm not going to be a divider, I'm going to be a uniter, and running on the policies of division and envy is—to me it's almost un-American."

Mr. Obama lived up to Mr. Boehner's dire predictions by talking about military accomplishments, education, energy independence, reviving a fading middle class, regulating the financial sector to prevent another crisis and expecting everyone in the country to pay their fair share in taxes. Republicans were obviously not pleased, as the hey-someone-peed-in-my-martini look on the faces of Cantor, Boehner, McConnell, et al, clearly revealed.

Asked today how he felt about being prophetically correct about the speech, Mr Boehner replied, "There are times when I wish I were wrong. But I was right about President Obama being a divider. The American people want unity, and President Obama has divided us, right smack dab down the middle, 99% to 1%. I can't imagine how he thinks numbers like that will win an election."

Meanwhile, new pee-free martinis have been supplied to the GOP members of Congress.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Boehner Forgets His Irony Supplement

Washington, DC. This morning Speaker John Boehner assumed the role of prophet, in the manner of Jeremiah, as he offered this prebuttal to President Obama's 3rd State of the Union address:

"This is a president who said I'm not going to be a divider, I'm going to be a uniter, and running on the policies of division and envy is—to me it's almost un-American."

Asked to elaborate, Mr. Boehner stated, "The President has done nothing but obstruct and obstruct since day one. He refuses to compromise. He never acts in good faith. He has made it his goal to see that the Republican Party fails. He continues to put party before country, to the detriment of the American people.

"Not only that, all he does is drink, work on his tan and play golf and cry a lot. Oh wait, that's me. Obama? Good singer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an eleven o'clock tee time."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Special thanks to John House for the idea.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Disgusting Pig and Redneck Asshole Jerkoff Vote Coalesces for Gingrich

Columbia, SC. Last night in here in South Carolina, former House speaker Newt Gingrich made political history by capturing not only the disgusting pig vote but also the redneck asshole jerkoff vote.

Pundits expected Mr. Gingrich to do well among disgusting pigs, but the consensus was that Rick Santorum would pick up the majority of the redneck asshole jerkoff vote with Texas governor Rick Perry out of the race.

"Mr. Gingrich has always had a broad appeal to the disgusting pig voter," said MSNBC's Chuck Todd, "due to his far-reaching, bombastic hypocrisy and utter lack of anything resembling morals. We knew he would do well with this segment of the populace, as well as with the fat rich white guys with small penises sector of the GOP electorate. But the redneck asshole jerkoff groundswell was entirely unexpected."

"Chuck is absolutely correct," said Howard Fineman, Huffington Post editor and MSNBC analyst. "The common wisdom was that Santorum would most certainly pick up the redneck asshole jerkoff vote, but Gingrich upped his game and really brought out the racial stereotyping and jingoism to great effect. Of course it's still too early to say whether he can parlay this into a win in Florida, but with his anti-Muslim rhetoric cranked up a bit, he may surprise us yet again."

Meanwhile, Ron Paul supporters are trying to figure out exactly what they spent $28,000,000 on and why.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, January 20, 2012

Gingrich Wows Phony Christians with Wounded Dignity Gambit

Hippocrassee Beach, SC. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich brought the conservative Christianist crowd to its collective feet of clay twice last night with a stunning display of ersatz wounded dignity and feigned umbrage at John King's unbridled temerity in opening the 137th Republican debate with the offer for Mr. Gingrich to address allegations made by his 2nd wife that he had requested she participate in an "open marriage." Said the candidate:

“I think the destructive vicious negative nature of much of the news media makes it harder to govern this country, harder to attract decent people to run for public office. I’m appalled you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that.”

“Is that all you want to say, sir?” King asked.

“Let me finish,” Gingrich, retorted. “Every person in here knows personal pain. Every person in here has had someone close to them go through painful things. To take an ex-wife and make it two days before the primary, a significant question in a presidential campaign, is as close to despicable as anything I can imagine. My two daughters, my two daughters wrote the head of ABC and made the point that it was wrong, that they should pull it, and I am, frankly, astounded that CNN would take trash like that and use it to open a presidential debate.”

“This story did not come from our network,” King replied. “As you also know, it is the subject of conversation on the campaign. I get your point, I take –”

“John, it was repeated by your network,” Gingrich interrupted. “You chose to start the debate with it. Don’t blame it on somebody else. You and your staff chose to start the debate with it.”

Mr. Gingrich, who worked tirelessly to destroy, humiliate and remove a sitting president for having an extramarital affair while he was himself engaged in one at the same time, spent the rest of the debate firing off answers from atop his high horse to the delight of all in attendance.

Said audience member Robert E. Lee Ewell:

"I was a Santorum supporter until Mr. Gingrich put that uppity Juan Williams boy in his place a couple days ago, but this seals the deal. Newt didn't just shoot the messenger, he napalmed the messenger, then shot him full of holes, then ran over him with a damn tank.

"If these media types want to ask questions about politicians' sex lives, they should start with the Democrats. Hell, Barack Hussein Obama is ruttin' a black woman in the White House! We believe in redemption, as long as you're right with God. And by that I mean white and Republican, like Jesus."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Perry Quits Race, Resumes Role as Village Idiot

Beachslapp, SC. Texas Governor Rick Perry's damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead campaign came to a screeching halt today with his announcement that he was quitting the GOP race for president.

"I am endin' my campaign for president for three reasons. One, for the good of my country. Two, for the good of my party. And three, for...what's that thing called? It's about this big. Shoot.

"Anyhoo, I'm endorsing Newt Gingrich because I'm not in the bettin' bidness. Now I need to get back to Texas and continue my competition with Florida to see which state can be more of an embarrassment to the nation."

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich's 2nd wife, Marrianne, revealed that the former speaker wanted to have an open marriage so he could have Callista as his full-time mistress. Mr. Gingrich responded this morning on Fox & Friends.

"Gretchen, I blame it on all the French movies I watched. And the French wine. But in reality a menage a trois is really no different than the Holy Trinity if you think about it. Sort of. Kinda."

Tony Perkins of The Family Research Council concurred.

"Newt Gingrich has an almost magical ability to twist theology to fit any situation. It rivals only mine and maybe Pat Robertson's in Christ-shaming cynicism. I think my fellow Christian conservatives can feel very comfortable supporting Mr. Gingrich, a true hero and proof of the redemptive power of money. I mean God."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, January 16, 2012

Earth Wobbles Momentarily as Huntsman Quits Race

Beachbeach Beach, SC. People worldwide had something of a fright this morning when the earth momentarily was shifted off its axis by Jon Huntsman's surprise announcement that he was leaving the presidential race.

The former ambassador to China had this to say about this year's rough and tumble campaign season:

"This race has degenerated into an onslaught of negative and personal attacks not worthy of the American people and not worthy of this critical time in our nation's history." He called on those remaining in the race to "cease attacking" each other. Mr. Huntsman had previously claimed that Mr. Romney was a flip-flopper, liar, fake conservative, corporate raider, job-killer and lousy dancer.

The former Utah governor has now thrown his support at Mitt Romney.

"I appreciate Jon's support," Mr. Romney stated, "but wish he had not attached it to a brick. The doctor says I should have the stitches out in a week."

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich is working on a new documentary chronicling pedophilia in Mormon history.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Romney Honors MLK with Blackface

Burning Cross, SC. This morning GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney raised eyebrows when he appeared on Fox & Friends in blackface makeup. Said the former governor, "I just want to show African-Americans that I understand their issues and am sympathetic. You know, my father marched with Martin Luther King, but in a different location and at a different time. And I no longer believe that black people are the accursed seed of Cain.

"So tonight before the debate, my family will have our traditional MLK dinner, consisting of ham hock, black-eyed peas, fried okra, hushpuppies, sweet potato pie and a really nice '96 Chateau Latour."

Ben Jealous, president of the NAACP, responded this afternoon by saying that he appreciated Mr Romney's effort, but that the big painted white lips were a bit much.

"He should lose the banjo, too."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Romney Mania Begins!

Mymanchester, NH. After Mitt Romney's historic back to back wins in Iowa and New Hampshire, the Republican party is coalescing around their new conservative savior. Romney's stunning eight vote victory in Iowa and his 39% landslide in New Hampshire have all but sealed the deal. Matt Rhoades, Romney's campaign manager, had this to say about the surging enthusiasm for the former governor:

"When almost 4 out of 10 Republican primary voters in the great state of New Hampshire say you're the man, it becomes crystal clear that Romney mania is sweeping the country! Now on to South Carolina where we have a really good chance to maybe beat Rick Santorum! Then on to Florida! Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"

Exit polls revealed that while Ron Paul was a heavy favorite among GOP voters, there was concern about whether he would be allowed to serve a full term if institutionalized. Santorum also fared well with evangelicals who had never googled his name. Gingrich was continuing his downward trend except among nasty, vengeful, white, adulterous millionaires. Perry was holding steady among Tea Party supporters and toothless rednecks with the middle name "Bob." Huntsman was climbing among Republican voters who prefer Mormons fluent in Mandarin who are not named Mitt. But Romney was still maintaining his lead.

"He's the exact opposite of Obama," said Spud Geiser of Hart's Location, NH, "You just can't get any whiter."

©2012 Kona Lowell 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Jon Huntsman Hires Folksy Consultants

Martha's Hump, NH. Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has hired "folksy" consultants to help build an image more to the liking of South Carolina voters. Matt David, Huntsman's campaign manager, explained:

"We have a great candidate here in Jon Huntsman, but he just can't compete with Romney's flannel shirts, Rick Perry's toe-in-the-dirt-aw-shucks drawl and Ron Paul's generally senile folksiness for the redneck vote. So we are beginning an intensive folksiness immersion program.

"Mr. Huntsman is listening to tapes of The Prairie Home Companion and watching old Andy Griffith episodes non-stop. Larry the Cable Guy is helping with his diction and we've hired Earl Scruggs to teach him the banjo. He's aced the first few bars of Foggy Mountain Breakdown. If the next debate has an open mike, we're gonna kill."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Romney Clarifies His "Firing" Remark

Ratsbane, NH. Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been taking fire from both Democrats and fellow GOP candidates over his recent comment about firing people. Said Mr Romney to a large, slack-mouthed crowd in New Hampshire:

“I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. If someone doesn’t give me the good service I need, I’m going to go get somebody else to provide that service to me.”

Since making this statement, a dozen negative ads have cropped up replaying Mr. Romney's voice repeating "I like being able to fire people."  Romney's campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, has been working feverishly to douse the fire, and today Mr. Romney spoke to John King on CNN about the faux pas.

"John, this has been blown all out of proportion. Ha ha ha. I'm a job creator. I've created thousands of jobs. Ha ha ha. What I was talking about was my childhood. When I was a boy, my father used to allow us to celebrate our birthdays and special holidays by firing people...out of a cannon. Ha ha ha. We usually picked some of the grounds staff, stable help or the older upstairs maids. I can tell you as a child this was a lot of fun. Several years later we actually set up a net to catch them in. Ha ha ha."

Meanwhile, another inter-party tiff broke out when Mitt Romney's flannel shirt called Rick Santorum's sweater vest a pussy.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, January 6, 2012

Gingrich Claims Founding Fathers Would Have Outlawed Sexting

Freordye, NH. At a town hall in New Hampshire last Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate and former Speaker Newt Gingrich strongly claimed that the Founding Fathers would have violently opposed the cultivation and use of marijuana by today's American citizens.

“I think Jefferson or George Washington would have rather strongly discouraged you from growing marijuana and their techniques with dealing with it would have been rather more violent than our current government,” said Mr. Gingrich.

"I also believe they would have outlawed speed metal, light beer, hot pants, break dancing and black basketball players taller than 5' 8". And they would have been simply incensed over sexting. They would have sought the death penalty for this. Except maybe Franklin, who would have had a porn studio in the San Fernando Valley."

When asked what he thought was so terrible about sexting, Mr Gingrich replied that it was becoming fashionable among younger teens and could lead to actual sex.

"And my fingers are too fat to type on a phone," the former Speaker replied.

Meanwhile, Rick Santorum has initiated a revival of the sweater vest, causing sweater vest manufacturers to hire new workers just to keep up with the demand.

"It's just boffo," said Thad Wellington-Marbury III of Chevy Chase, MD, "It's grand to be chic again. I have a whole cedar closet brimming with the finest sweater vests. I just wish Mr. Santorum would start wearing saddle oxfords at his next event."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Romney Steps In It In New Hampshire

Manchester, NH. Republican candidate Mitt Romney's day began badly when he responded to a doorbell at his mansion in New Hampshire this morning. Not accustomed to answering the door himself, it took Mr Romney several minutes to negotiate the door lock, but once he had it open, he found no one there.

Instead, on the porch, under the vaulted marble entryway, was a brown paper bag burning and smoking. Seeing no servants in the vicinity, Mr. Romney proceeded to stomp on the bag until the fire was extinguished. It was then that he noticed a terrible smell and discovered he had some sort of feces, most likely from a dog, on his $3,000 Italian dressing slippers.

Police have been questioning the neighbors and it appears that a Mr. Jonas Oldacre was out retrieving his morning paper when he saw a rotund, white-haired gentleman leaving the Romney house. The unknown man hastily entered a limousine in which a well-coifed blond woman was sitting. The limousine left too quickly for Mr Oldacre to gather any further details.

"I'm sure I've seen him somewhere before," said Mr. Oldacre, "Maybe Tiffany's.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Iowa Picks Its Favorite Clown

Duh Moines, IA. Tonight, Hawkeye Republicans will make a statement about the direction they want to see their party go and who will carry their bright banner into the future. The choices are clear: a serial flip-flopper who gave his state mandated healthcare and supported abortion rights and now doesn't, a serial adulterer who made piles of cash whoring himself out to the highest bidder, an idiot who can't remember what government agencies he wants to abolish, an old geezer who would be better suited to standing on a street corner in a tattered robe proclaiming that the end is near, a batshit-crazy harpy who is so unfamiliar with facts and truth that she should be institutionalized, an eerily normal person who speaks Mandarin and may or may not really be a Republican or a guy whose very name makes people break out in fits of uncontrollable laughter.

One of these candidates will leave Iowa victorious. Will the right-wing evangelical Christianists get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win? Or will the constitutionally- and spelling-challenged Tea Party get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win? Or will the ever-shrinking moderate wing of the GOP get their anti-Muslim, anti-immigration, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-union, pro-wealthy, pro-war win?

And what will happen in New Hampshire? Will this Pyrrhic victory translate to a win there? In South Carolina? Florida? Or will the party be so damaged as to be split beyond hope of reunification? Do I give a fuck?

No, not really. I always hated clowns. But one thing is certain: President Obama is not losing any sleep over the upcoming debates.

© 2012 Kona Lowell