Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Remarkable, Incredible Kim Jong-Il

Pyongyang, N. Korea. Since the recent death of North Korea's Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, marvelous facts about the late tyrant have been released to the awe and wonder of the weeping masses. Among these remarkable facts are:

He made 11 holes-in-one the first time he played golf, scoring 38 under par.

He wrote 1500 books in three years and six full operas in two years.

He invented an invisible telephone and the hamburger.

He began walking at 3 weeks of age and talking at 8 weeks.

A double rainbow filled the sky at his birth.

But did you also know:

That Frank Zappa wrote the Black Page drum solo for Kim, who played it note for note on his first attempt?

That he was lovingly referred to as the Human Tripod by all his girlfriends?

That he could fly like a bat and echo-locate his food?

That he invented those little umbrellas that go in a mai tai?

That he slept standing up with his eyes open?

That he could do pushups with his tongue alone?

That he wrote the soundtracks to over 1200 80's porn movies under the name Johnny Kafka?

That Elvis took singing lessons from him?

That he killed him a bar when he was only three?

That he was actually 6' 7" tall, but stooped so as not to embarrass shorter Koreans?

That he edited the New York Times crossword puzzles under the pseudonym "Will Shortz"?

That he was the original Hans Solo but was replaced at the last minute by Harrison Ford due to contractual conflicts?

That millions of Koreans are really, really going to miss him?

Oh, one other thing revealed in the original bio released by the North Korean government: he never went to the bathroom. Duh.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Romney Leaving Santorum in His Wake

Sofasleeper, IA. New Iowa polls show Mitt Romney leading all candidates with Santorum trailing behind him. Ron Paul, carefully watching his step, is in second place.

However, the remarkable spurt in popularity of Santorum with Iowa voters has amazed pundits.

"I certainly didn't expect Santorum to be on everyone's lips here," said pollster Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight. "This is Iowa, for Pete's sake. Next thing you know, Dirty Sanchez will be Governor."

Silver credits the PAC, Tea Baggers for Santorum, for allowing Santorum to bubble to the surface.

"It's amazing. He simply oozes confidence. He started at the bottom, and just look at him now. He's out of the hole. We could actually find Santorum in the President's chair in the Oval Office."

Meanwhile, Iowa Republican and City Council hopeful Ima Buttplug has withdrawn her petition for a legal name-change.

"I thought it might be a hindrance," said Ms Buttplug, "but with Santorum so popular here, I figure I can slide right in."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Ben Nelson Tired of Fucking Democrats, Retires

Cornhole, NE. Staunch Democrat Ben Nelson (D-NE) is expected to announce his retirement from the Senate later today. With a total of 23 Democratic seats up for reelection this year, compared to 10 seats for Republicans, many top party officials have been pleading with Nelson to run for one more term, but the Nebraska Democrat is standing firm.

"Look, I'm 70 years old. I've had a long and distinguished career, but I just don't have the energy I used to have and fucking the entire Democratic Party in the ass day after day is taking its toll on me. That's a young man's job. So the best thing I can do is to quit right now and hopefully help in handing the Senate back to the Republicans, God bless 'em. Besides, wearing this damn rug day in and day out makes my head itch."

Meanwhile In Iowa, the ad war between Romney and Gingrich continues with both candidates vying for the title of Most Disinterested in the Middle Class.

© Kona Lowell

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Fat, Pasty White Man Apologizes to Beautiful Black Woman

Washington, DC. Representative Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI), has sent a note of apology to Michelle Obama for saying she has a "large posterior." Although the exact words in the note have not been revealed, it is apparent that the Obamas consider the matter unimportant, as they have not responded to or acknowledged the apology.

This is not the first time the portly Sensenbrenner has made comments about the First Lady's figure, reports Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's Daniel Bice. It seems that the Wisconsin representative told people at a local church that she has "a big butt."

Sensenbrenner plans to spend the holidays with his family in their sty at Menomonee Falls where they will swill down copious amounts of egg nog, turkey, mashed potatoes, sundry pies and cakes and a generous helping of fresh lard from the solid silver trough he inherited from his father.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Libertarian Jules Manson to Change Name

Carson City, CA. California Libertarian and Tea Party activist Jules Manson has decided to change his name after a surprise visit from the Secret Service due to his call to assassinate President Obama and his family. Wrote Mr. Manson on his Facebook page:

"Assassinate the fuken (sic) nigger and his monkey children."

Mr. Manson said today that he was very, very sorry and that obviously his name conjures up negative emotions.

"With a name like that, people automatically expect you to be a violent, murderous freak and weirdo. So I'm changing 'Jules' to 'Jim.'"

© 2011 Kona Lowell

The Publican Party

There is some question as to when the Republicans first began referring to the Democratic Party as the "Democrat Party." New Yorker magazine editor Hendrik Hertzberg notes that as far back as the Harding administration and through the Joe McCarthy era, Republicans used this term as a frequent insult, but it was Newt Gingrich and Frank Luntz in the 1990's that insisted this term be used and it has stuck ever since. You will rarely hear a Republican refer to the party by its actual name.

There are various reasons why Republicans think this is a useful slur. One is that it galls them to use the word "Democratic" because the word carries too many positive connotations. My feeling is that they enjoy the way the word ends in "rat." Whatever. The point is that it is an intended insult, it is incorrect and should be corrected every time it is used.

To combat this, I suggest we beat them at their own game. Obviously, we have come up with all sorts of variations on "Republican," like Repug, Republicant, Rethuglican, Repiglican, and of course asshole jerkoff pig-fuckers. The problem is, none of these terms can be glibly used by Democratic politicians, strategists, analysts or TV pundits, especially "Repiglican," We need a slyly shortened form of "Republican" that simply sounds like a slip of the tongue.

I humbly suggest "Publican." Here's a brief Wikipedia description of the term. It is yummy:

In antiquity, publicans (Latin publicanus (singular); publicani (plural)) were public contractors, in which role they often supplied the Roman legions and military, managed the collection of port duties, and oversaw public building projects. In addition, they served as tax collectors for the Republic (and later the Roman Empire), bidding on contracts (from the Senate in Rome) for the collection of various types of taxes. Importantly, this role as tax collectors was not emphasized until late into the history of the Republic (c. 1st century BC). The publicans were usually of the class of equites.

At the height of the Republic's era of provincial expansion (roughly the 1st and 2nd centuries BC until the end of the Republic) the Roman tax farming system was very profitable for the publicani. The right to collect taxes for a particular region would be auctioned every few years for a value that (in theory) approximated the tax available for collection in that region. The payment to Rome was treated as a loan and the publicani would receive interest on their payment at the end of the collection period. In addition, any excess (over their bid) tax collected would be pure profit for the publicani. The principal risk to the publicani was that the tax collected would be less than the sum bid.

By New Testament times, publicans were seen chiefly as tax collectors by provincial peoples. It is in this sense that the term is used in Jesus' parable of the Pharisee and the Publican. However, their role as public contractors, especially as regards building projects, was still significant. With the rise of a much larger Imperial bureaucracy, this task of the publicans, as well as their overall importance, declined precipitously. Evidence for the existence of publicans extends as far back as the 3rd century BC, although it is generally assumed that they existed at still earlier times in Roman history. Knowledge of a tentative terminus post quem is taken from the histories of the 1st century AD Imperial historian Livy.

By the time of the Renaissance, the word "publican" meant a tavernkeeper (the licensed landlord of a public house), and by extension a slang term for a pimp. In England in the late 12th century there existed a religious sect called the publicani. Among their beliefs was the view that procreation was a sin.

Is that great or what? Saw the "pimp" part, right? Let's use Publican. Encourage your friends to use it. Encourage your elected representatives to use it. It sounds innocent, just like saying "Democrat" instead of "Democratic." I plan to use this term from here on out and will reserve asshole jerkoff pig-fuckers for special occasions, like funerals.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Monday, December 19, 2011

Kim Jong-Il Death Overshadowed by Bon Jovi Not Dying

Pyongyang, N. Korea. Repressive North Korean dictator, better known to his starving people as Dear Leader, died Saturday and is none too happy. Said the dead tyrant from the lower levels of hell, "You know what? This sucks. I die, all North Korea is in the streets chanting and wailing and waving a flower named after me, the Kimjongilia, and the whole thing gets ignored because of a fake Bon Jovi death notice. Elvis I could understand, but Bon Jovi? Great hair, but he needs to comb it up. Up! Okay, gotta go. It's time to swim in the lake of fire again."

Kim Jon Un, the dead dictator's son, who will be likely taking over the country, echoed his father's anger.

"You Give Love a Bad Name is an okay tune, but Living on a Prayer is just your standard arena rock, although Sambora's guitar work shines. It should have been someone bigger, like McCartney, who didn't really die and ruin my dad's big day. Oh well, gotta go deprive the people. Later."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Saturday, December 17, 2011


A thought on the passing of Christopher Hitchens. I found myself in fervent agreement with him on some issues and just as diametrically opposed on others, but I always enjoyed the way he framed his thoughts, whether I agreed or not. I was always thankful that I was not the victim of his wit.

Hitchens was a true master of the English language. An artist. He used words the way Joshua Bell uses a violin or Jeff Beck a guitar. It was effortless, humbling, exhilarating and managed without a trace of self-consciousness. It was as if he himself had created the language, fashioned the words, such was his comfort level in wielding it.

When I was younger, William F. Buckley held me spellbound by his mastery of language, although I rarely agreed with him on anything at all. I remember the first time he referred to someone "ventilating their opinion." I think I just sat there and savored it, like a mouthful of a particularly fine vintage. I was always disappointed that he wasn't on our side.

Hitchens didn't have a side. He was rough on everyone, even himself. Watching some replays of old interviews today, I found myself just shaking my head at his uncanny, easy brilliance. I will never be that adept, that nimble with this thing we use to communicate. But I at least have a target to aim for.

Thank you, Christopher Hitchens.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Friday, December 16, 2011

U.S. Unhappy with China Tariffs, Holds Breath

Guangzhou, China. The Chinese government angered the Obama administration Wednesday evening by imposing surprise tariffs on imports of sport utility vehicles and midsize and large cars from America. While mostly a symbolic move, since these vehicles cost several times more in China than in the U.S., the new tariffs are likely to further strain the already tense trade relations. The White House also announced plans to appeal to the WTO to investigate China's restrictions on broiler chickens. Said Carol Guthrie, a spokeswoman for the Office of the United States Trade Representative:

“We are very disappointed in this action by China. We will be discussing this latest action with both our stakeholders and Congress to determine the best course going forward. In the meantime, we plan to hold our breath until we turn blue."

John E. Bryson, Secretary of the Department of Commerce met with reporters in Washington, D.C. today to discuss the stalemate:

"We are not at all pleased with this new attempt by the Chinese to restrict our SUV imports," said Secretary Bryson, "not to mention our chickens, and therefore we are not going to import any more Chinese SUV's. Oh wait. Shit. Okay, scratch that. Bob, what shitty little country with weak defenses and people who look Chinese can we attack?"


"Used to be Burma, right? Okay then, Myanmar, you're asking for it."

Meanwhile, Chinese officials launched a formal protest with the WTO against U.S. piracy of kung fu films and romantic movies in which everyone dies.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Draws Feds' Ire with Prank Calls

Phoenix, AZ. Maricopa County Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, may finally have crossed the line with the Department of Justice. Arpaio, known for his tough immigration stance has been under investigation for the past two years and has now been cut off from access to the immigration data base.

Thomas E. Perez, assistant attorney general for civil rights, said that over 400 interviews were conducted that revealed a pattern of abuse and harassment directed at the Latino population. In addition, sex crimes against Latinos were not investigated and the sheriff himself had distributed racially-charged literature, supported anti-immigrant candidates and acted with utter disregard and scorn towards the Latino community.

But it was Arpaio's telephone pranks that finally proved too much.

"Calling up bodegas repeatedly and asking if they have Prince Albert in a can and phoning people with Hispanic surnames during dinner and asking them if their refrigerator is running is just beyond the pale," said Perez. "There is a limit to the cruelty we will abide."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Bill O'Reilly Dumbfounded

Recently, Fox host Bill O'Reilly was flabbergasted to learn, from Alan Colmes, that the U.S. military is run by the U.S. government. While discussing the government's ability to run health care, the following exchange took place:

“Can they run the military?” Colmes asked.
“That’s government run, it’s still the government doing it,” Colmes countered.
“But the Pentagon calls the shots,” he said.
“But the commander-in-chief is a civilian, the government runs the military well,” Colmes insisted.
“That is wrong,” O’Reilly said. “The Pentagon calls the shots on how the military operates. The Pentagon is military people.”
“That’s the government,” Colmes said. “It’s the government, it’s still the government.”
O’Reilly concluded: “They work for and the government running it are two different things.”

So today O'Reilly was entirely gobsmacked when Colmes sent the following email:

Just wanted to tell you, Bill, that Joe Biden is President of the Senate.

O'Reilly addressed this today on the Factor:

"Okay, look, this is nuts. There can't be two presidents. Obama is the President and Biden is the Vice President. Are you trying to tell me we have two? Two presidents? What kind of pinhead are you? There is no such thing as President of the Senate!"

O'Reilly was later corrected by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who told him this was in fact the case. Sanitation workers are nearly finished with the task of removing the last skull fragments and traces of brain matter from the studio walls.

Said Alan Colmes, "I was just trying to be helpful. I was originally going to tell him that Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast while having his cranium rubbed with vaseline*, but I thought it would make Bill's head explode. Damn. Who knew?"

*Actually true.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Republicans are Headed for Disaster...

... and as a good American, I will do my part to help them reach their destination.

The Republican House... like an evil day nursery without a teacher.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Native Americans Angered at Gingrich "Invented People" Remark

Washington, DC. The National Congress of American Indians has expressed outrage at former Speaker and Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's recent remarks made this weekend in an interview with WorldNetDaily. Said Mr. Gingrich:

"Indians are an invented people. There is no such thing as 'American Indians.' They never even called themselves 'Indians' until Christopher Columbus mistakenly believed he was in the West Indies and called them Indians. In fact, they are not 'Native Americans' either as they are not from North America, but from Asia, having migrated to the continent in the last ice age by a land bridge in the Bering Strait. If they don't like being here they should go back to China."

Asked if they intend to pursue a formal protest, NCAI president Jefferson Keel said that it was unlikely, but that this sort of revisionist history was unhelpful and hurtful to Native Americans.

"As we say in Chickasaw, 'Himmaka' nittakookano hattak yokasht toksalicha'nikat ki'yo. Hattak mómakat ittíllawwi bíyyi'kacha nanna mómaka ittibaachaffa'hitok.' This means 'All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.' But Newt Gingrich is a shithead."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Limbaugh Finds Soulmate in Gingrich

Fort Viagradale, FL. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh has apparently reversed his opinion of Newt Gingrich and is showing positive signs of supporting his candidacy. Said Limbaugh Monday:

"Who was the last person to actually cut government? Who was the last person who actually led a movement that balanced the federal budget? Who was the person that did that? You're not gonna take a guess? That's right, it was Mr. Newt! The last guy who gave us a balanced budget. Now, there are a lot of other Republicans involved...but Gingrich was Speaker. The last time this budget was - the last time there was true welfare reform, the last time government was cut, Gingrich did it."

Gingrich said he appreciated the endorsement and that he had always admired El Rushbo for his values and patriotism.

"Rush is a man who believes strongly in the sanctity of marriage, just as I do,"said the former Speaker, "In fact he feels so strongly about it that he has sanctified himself four times. I'm only on number three, but the odds are I'll catch up with him.

"He is also a patriot, choosing not to endanger his country and other troops by serving with an anal cyst in Vietnam, just as I chose the better part of valor, or as my own website states: Gingrich received a draft deferment during the Vietnam War owing to the fact that he was studying at the time in Tulane University and he had children. In addition, he was also impaired with short-sightedness and had flat feet (pes planus).

"But as one can see, these issues have not kept me from amassing huge piles of cash and clawing my way to the top of the Republican heap. Whereas short-sightedness might be a handicap in some situations, in the GOP it is a positive boon. And my flat feet keep me from tipping over due to my vast bulk."

Mr. Limbaugh also praised Gingrich for his abrasive, mean-spirited, Sherman's-march-to-the-sea approach to politics, saying, "Newt and I have proven once and for all that fat, pasty white guys aren't all just jolly fun. You want nice, vote for fucking Santa Claus."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Rick Perry, Christmas is All Around You

In his new and desperate ad, Rick Perry contends that gays can serve in the military, but children can't celebrate Christmas. Excuse me, but Christmas has been going on for about a month now. He needs to get out more.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Rick Santorum's Best Choice

Richard John "Rick" Santorum made one fortunate choice in his life for which I am sure he gives thanks daily: he chose to go by Rick instead of Dick. Imagine the googling.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

GOP to Shorten "Conservative" to "Evil."

Washington, DC. After months of closed-door meetings, Republicans have agreed to shorten the term "conservative" to the simpler and easier to spell word "evil."

"Look, it's just too damn long," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), "The Tea Party guys that make the signs always get it wrong. Same with "Constitution." You could teach a monkey to spell 'evil.' They'll love it."

"It's not only a hard word to spell," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "It's tough to live up to it. The word 'conservative' implies that one is conserving something. That's not only hard to do, we don't want to do it. We don't conserve anything. That sounds like tree-hugging. That's not us.

"Look, we like war. We don't like poor people or middle class people or anyone who makes under a million a year. We don't like minorities and we aren't that crazy about women, except for the obvious reason. We don't care if you get sick and die because you can't afford health insurance. We don't care if you have a job or if your kids are hungry. We hate gay people, except the ones in the closet in our own party. We don't care if the planet survives the pollution we've churned out for years. We ruined Christianity for everyone. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We're basically evil, so we may as well just go with it.

"The only problem is we've told our base that liberals are evil, so we will have to really work to take back that mantle. But I'm certain we have the people who can do it. You've seen our candidates."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Monday, December 5, 2011

Scaring Frank Luntz Shitless

Last week in Orlando, Florida, Republican strategist (propagandist) Frank Luntz said, right before soiling himself, "I'm so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I'm frightened to death. They're having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism."

So to counter this, the ever-amoral Luntz changed his shorts, rubbed his hind legs together and came up with a plan, comprised of phrases for Republicans to use to neutralize the message of the 99%.

For example, he advises the other amoral people who constitute the GOP to use the phrase "economic freedom" instead of "capitalism," say "take from the rich" instead of "tax the rich," say "hardworking taxpayers" instead of "middle class," say "career" instead of "job," say "waste" instead of "government spending," say "job creator" instead of "entrepreneur" and finally say "pay for performance" instead of "bonus."

In addition to torturing language and meaning, Luntz also suggested that Republicans never admit to being willing to compromise, never mention sacrifice and most importantly, always blame Washington.

It seems to me that we can do the same thing. Here are a few suggestions:

Instead of "capitalism or "economic freedom," use "unrelenting, slavering, predatory greed." Accompany this phrase as often as possible with a picture of hyenas devouring an antelope carcase.

Instead of "take from the rich" or "tax the rich" use "make those selfish, greedy mothefuckers pay their fair share." Accompany as often as possible with a picture of a French revolutionary holding up a freshly guillotine-severed head.

Instead of "hardworking taxpayers" or "middle class" use "Americans." It is after all 99% of the fucking country we're talking about here. Accompany with a picture of humans.

Instead of "career" or "job" use "work." This will really bother the Republicans. It implies effort. Sweat. Accompany with a picture of a buff, shirtless guy using a jack hammer. This will really piss 50% of them off and excite the other 50%.

Instead of "waste" or "government spending" use "good government," or "government for the people" as long as the money being spent contributes to the health and welfare of the population. We put this money in their hands, by the way, so spending it on services, programs and initiatives that benefit us is the entire point of government.

Instead of "job creators" or "entrepreneurs" use "bloated, life-sucking parasites." Include a picture of some sort of nauseatingly grotesque intestinal worm whenever possible.

Instead of "bonus" or "pay for performance" use "undeserved multi-million dollar blowjob." Accompany this with a picture of laid off workers being thrown out of their homes and another of sweat shops in China.

As for Luntz's other points, demonstrate often how Democrats have tried to compromise to no avail, uphold self-sacrifice as the virtue it truly is (mention Jesus if necessary, they claim to know him) and blame the guilty in Washington, not the ones who are actually trying to accomplish the will of the people. 

The GOP does not play fair. They never have, they never will. They have controlled the message for too long. It's time we not only took off the pink tutus, it's time we fought back. We don't need guns. We have the truth. Let's beat them to a bloody, shapeless pulp with it.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Friday, December 2, 2011

Elephants Lobby to Change GOP Logo

Washington, DC. African elephants have finally decided that they are tired of the GOP using them as their symbol and have organized to have the famous Thomas Nast logo changed. Elephants Against the Republican Logo (EARL) sent their chairman, Jumbo, to Washington this week to discuss their demands.

"Look, no one asked us if we wanted to be the symbol of the Republican Party," Jumbo stated to reporters, "The fact is, none of us would even think of being a Republican.

"First of all, we're highly intelligent. Secondly, we're compassionate. We love our all our children. We all take care of everyone in the clan, even our dead. And even though we're very powerful and can be quite fierce, we're dedicated vegetarians. We are pacifists by nature. We would fit in the GOP about like a lion at a cat show.

"So we are asking the Republican Party to come up with a logo less offensive to our sensibilities. The hyena would be a good one, or maybe a jackal. The vulture would also be a very effective and logical logo."

"Jumbo, am I correct in saying that your group is composed entirely of African elephants, not Indian?"

"That's right, Chuck. The Indian elephants are not involved. I believe they are still hoping to get some of the benefits of outsourcing."

"Do you really believe you can get the GOP to change what has been their logo since 1874?"

"Well, David, we can only try. But I can tell you this: we never forget. That trait alone makes us totally unsuitable as Republicans. And, by the way, I actually was born in Kenya."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Prostitute Denies Hooking, Claims to Be Historian

Washington, DC. A local prostitute with several prior arrests has denied that she was engaged in the world's oldest profession and is in fact a historian. The woman, who goes by Candy Apple, claims that she was hired by a local area man for what was not in fact a stag party but a seminar on the history of sex around the world.

"I was hired for my expertise on this subject and to give advice to the husband-to-be due to my experience as an insider. The gentlemen in attendance simply paid the fee for the seminar."

Ms. Apple said that the class included French, Thai and Greek history as well as a lengthy segment on missionaries around the world. She was arrested before she could begin her oral quiz on the Kama Sutra.

"Look, I'm going to be really direct, OK? I can make $60,000 for a weekend trip to Aruba with any number of congressmen here. This was a historical seminar. It's just ridiculous."

Ms. Apple was released on bail, as was the groom.

"This seminar was even better than Tony Robbins!" said John Doe, "And my feet aren't sore. I never knew history could be so fucking hot. I'm buying the tapes."

© 2011 Kona Lowell