Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Bill O'Reilly Dumbfounded

Recently, Fox host Bill O'Reilly was flabbergasted to learn, from Alan Colmes, that the U.S. military is run by the U.S. government. While discussing the government's ability to run health care, the following exchange took place:

“Can they run the military?” Colmes asked.
“That’s government run, it’s still the government doing it,” Colmes countered.
“But the Pentagon calls the shots,” he said.
“But the commander-in-chief is a civilian, the government runs the military well,” Colmes insisted.
“That is wrong,” O’Reilly said. “The Pentagon calls the shots on how the military operates. The Pentagon is military people.”
“That’s the government,” Colmes said. “It’s the government, it’s still the government.”
O’Reilly concluded: “They work for and the government running it are two different things.”

So today O'Reilly was entirely gobsmacked when Colmes sent the following email:

Just wanted to tell you, Bill, that Joe Biden is President of the Senate.

O'Reilly addressed this today on the Factor:

"Okay, look, this is nuts. There can't be two presidents. Obama is the President and Biden is the Vice President. Are you trying to tell me we have two? Two presidents? What kind of pinhead are you? There is no such thing as President of the Senate!"

O'Reilly was later corrected by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who told him this was in fact the case. Sanitation workers are nearly finished with the task of removing the last skull fragments and traces of brain matter from the studio walls.

Said Alan Colmes, "I was just trying to be helpful. I was originally going to tell him that Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast while having his cranium rubbed with vaseline*, but I thought it would make Bill's head explode. Damn. Who knew?"

*Actually true.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

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