Friday, June 29, 2012

How to Ace Your Job Interview

The following is a sneak peek from my yet unfinished 3rd book, provided here for my loyal readers.

How to Ace Your Job Interview

   Jobs today are not as plentiful as they once were, so it’s crucial when interviewing for a position to make a good impression immediately, as there are likely several other applicants waiting in the wings. So to guarantee that your interview will be a success, I have compiled a short list of suggestions which will be helpful for the first-time job-seeker or the veteran applicant.

   Attire is very important. The impression that one creates upon entering the interview room can make all the difference. Therefore, avoid wearing an ascot and captain’s yachting hat, unless that’s the job you are interviewing for.

   It is not advisable to bring a lunch to one’s interview, but if you do, always put your napkin in your lap and chew with your mouth closed.

   Do not begin your interview by asking, “So, what do you do here?”

   If chewing tobacco, always bring you own cup to spit in.

   Do not ask, “Where’s the break room?” before beginning your interview.

   Eye contact is very important. Always pretend you are having a staring contest with a cat.
   Some companies will require a urine test for drugs, but always wait until they ask you to provide a sample. Do not use the interviewer’s coffee mug.

   Manners are still important. Always say “Excuse me” when you fart.

   Leave your dog at home or in the truck.

   If one is a Mormon or a Jehovah’s Witness, do not proselytize or hand the interviewer a Watchtower or any other religious tract unless they give you the secret handshake.

   Consider not mentioning the fact that John Wayne Gacy was your cousin.

   A cheerful disposition is a plus. Laugh long and loudly at every question.

   Wear matching shoes.

   A compliment will go a long way. If the interviewer is female, always say something positive about her attire or appearance and wink.

   Always place one’s handgun on the table and be sure it is not loaded.

   When using former cellmates as references, be sure to include prisoner ID numbers.

Do not go to sleep until the interview is over.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Affordable Healthcare Act Upheld

That pop-pop sound you're hearing is not fireworks, it's Republican heads exploding all over the country.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Exxon Mobil, the Education Company

If you watch TV, you are likely to see some slick ads from Exxon Mobil bewailing the test scores of American students in math and science. This is a good thing, and a problem that needs to be addressed. As Exxon Mobil declares on its website for the project:

In 2009, the Program for International Students Assessment ranked U.S. students 17th in the world in science and 25th in math. Let’s change those numbers. Let’s invest in our teachers. Let’s inspire our students. Let’s solve this.

Nice sentiment, but there is one big, thumping, elephant-in-the-room problem with this. You see, Exxon Mobil is a leading donor to the GOP, so far spending about a million on this election (and 12.7 million in 2011). They also fund ALEC and use their huge profits to keep those nice little oil subsides.

I have a hunch that that 4 billion in subsides could be used to improve education in this country, but then I'm just a writer and so don't have much more than a nodding acquaintance with money.

But maybe Exxon Mobil really is sincerely concerned about America's children. After all, they need employees. Thousands and thousands of them. So they're putting their vast wealth into supporting Mitt Romney, who said, speaking of President Obama recently:

“He wants another stimulus, he wants to hire more government workers. He says we need more fireman, more policeman, more teachers. Did he not get the message of Wisconsin? The American people did. It’s time for us to cut back on government and help the American people.”

I really should have taken some economics courses when I was in college instead of all that music and philosophy (and partying), then maybe I would understand how firing teachers is really investing in them. And of course Mr. Romney believes that class size is irrelevant when it comes to learning, so I imagine those kids will be seriously inspired to get out of school just as fast as possible and get jobs with Exxon Mobil. Or the military. But I repeat myself.

Yes, if Exxon Mobil gets its way, we should have a guaranteed workforce for decades (with basic math and science skills) hopefully all well-acclimated to hot, sandy, bomb-filled environments.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Michigan State Rep. Confounds Fellow Lawmakers with Name Change

Lansing, MI. Michigan State Rep. Lisa Brown (D-West Bloomfield), now famous for being banned from speaking on the House floor for using the word "vagina" while protesting an anti-abortion bill, wowed the 5,000 member audience when she an other female Democratic colleagues performed Eve Ensler's "Vagina Monologues" on the Statehouse steps Monday night.

Although the performance was well-received, Ms.Brown did not rest on her laurels, but immediately contacted her attorney and began proceedings to undergo a legal name change.

A spokesman for the Michigan Statehouse said that they would most likely just call her Ms. V., but was not sure if that would mean everyone else would have to go by their last initial alone.

"We're basically fucked," the spokesman said on conditions of anonymity.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Americans Decide They Really, Really Enjoy Being Lied To

Speedbump, PA. Dedicated Romney supporters and casual passersby provided an attentive audience today for presumptive presidential nominee Mitt Romney as his bus tour stopped at small towns along the route. Immediately, the candidate regaled the tens of people with endearing and encouraging fictions.

"My surrogate is former Gov. Rendell, who said we could win Pennsylvania," Romney said. "I'm happy to hear that, so we're happy to be here and see some folks here."

That former Governor Rendell is actually an Obama supporter did not faze the cheering crowd, most of whom had heard of their former governor before.

Romney continued with a well-rehearsed list of calumny, pretended to eat a sandwich, then boarded his bus, leaving many in his wake nodding their heads in agreement while shifting their toothpicks from one side of their mouths to the other.

Billy "Piehole" Johnson, worm farmer and Romney supporter, summed it up:

"You know how your wife goes and puts on a new pair of spandex pants and then asks you if it makes her look fat? You always say 'hell no,' right? Even if she looks like a bright pink bratwurst with a camel toe. Hell, she already knows she's fat, but she wants to hear you say she ain't. Then she can shovel another half gallon of tin roof down her yap. Same thing with politics.

"We all know Romney's a liar, but damn it, we like the lies. That's why we watch Fox. And wrestling. It's like Christmas, you know. More fun when you believe in Santy Claus. You know, I can be the first billionaire worm farmer if we just give the rich guys more money."

"You actually believe that?"

"Hell no! But it makes being a worm farmer with a fat wife in pink spandex pants a hell of a lot easier to take."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, June 15, 2012

Romney Speech, Dog Translation

Yesterday, while only miles and minutes apart, President Obama and presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney delivered competing speeches defining their visions for the future of our country. Since Governor Romney has had a difficult time gaining the confidence and respect of American dogs as a result of the Seamus incident, we have here presented his speech as translated by Rexford, my neighbor's black Lab.

Bark bark bark bark hello bark bark bark bark no bark bark bark no bark no no no bark bark bark bark bark bad Obama bad bark bark no bark bark bark bad Obama bad bad bark bark bark bark no bark bark bark bark bark who's a good boy bark bark no bark no no no bark bark bark.

Bark bark no no no bark bark bark bad Obama bad bark bark bark beg bark bark bark no no bark bark bark stay bark bark bark speak bark bark bark beg bark bark bad Obama bad bad bad bark bark bark bark.

Bark bark bark no no no bark bark bark bad Obama bad bad bad bark bark bark bark bark no bark bark bark who's a good country bark bark bark no bark.

Many thanks to Rexford for his help. Information-challenged independents may substitute the words "blah blah blah" for "bark bark bark."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Romney Steels Himself to Endure Magic Bus Tour

Cincinnati, OH. Former Governor Mitt Romney's bus tour to the heartland of America will launch tomorrow in New Hampshire and wend its way to Pennsylvania, Ohio and Wisconsin, an ordeal for which Mr. Romney has been strenuously preparing for several weeks now.

"We have had Governor Romney on a very strict workout regimen for the past two months," said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades, "which includes hours of sitting in a bus seat and waving vigorously. His wrist is much stronger now. We think he'll be ready by gameday.

"We have also tested him on various foods he is likely to encounter on his odyssey, like hot dogs, donuts, hamburgers, bratwursts, potato salad and pretzels. Right now he is scoring in the upper 70's on identification, but we hope by Friday he will get close to 90%. Of course getting him to eat these things is the real challenge. We're still working on that. We keep a small vial of truffle oil on hand to douse these lower-class foodstuffs with and make them less offensive to his sensitive palate."

Asked what the greatest challenge has been, Mr. Rhoades remarked that it was getting Mr. Romney to understand the concept of the bus tour.

"He didn't understand when we first announced this tour that he would actually have to ride on the bus. The meds seem to be helping."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, June 11, 2012

Just Trying to Help

Using my graphics skills to help the Romney campaign make it over the hump. No thanks necessary!

©2012 Kona Lowell