Tuesday, March 27, 2012

SCOTUS Debates Broccoli, Has Lunch

Washington, DC. This morning, while the country waited for a landmark decision on the constitutionality of the individual mandate provision in the Affordable Care Act, Antonin Scalia, affectionately known as "Fat Tony" among his fellow justices, made the point that if the provision was upheld, it might mean that “therefore you (the government) can make people buy broccoli” because it's good for you.

Chief Justice Roberts questioned if that included broccoflower and if not why not.

Justice Kennedy wanted to know if that mandate would include people who already grew broccoli in their backyard gardens.

Justice Alito seconded Kennedy's point and asked if it also included large broccoli-growing corporate farms and if they would still get broccoli subsidies.

Justice Breyer argued that there should be an exemption in those instances in that they already had broccoli in abundance.

Justice Kagen concurred but said there was no way to make certain that anyone was actually eating broccoli.

Justice Sotomayor added that a special provision for those picking the broccoli should be included as forcing people who pick broccoli all day to buy broccoli would amount to cruelty.

Justice Ginsberg wanted to know if this provision could also include okra.

Justice Thomas argued that he was getting hungry and the court retired for lunch. Broccoli was not on the menu.

Meanwhile, 123 Americans died without health insurance.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, March 26, 2012


There are two words I use sparingly: love and hero.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, March 23, 2012

Stand Your Ground

Pardon me if I momentarily abandon my usual snarky humor and address Florida's Draconian and ridiculously unnecessary Stand Your Ground Law, which also has equally awful cousins in some 30 or so other states.

First of all, the name itself signals a dare, a challenge. It sounds like a command, "Stand your ground!" The very name encourages people to take action they might not normally take. It urges confrontation, instead of retreat. And as any self-defense expert can tell you, retreat is the best option if possible.

Secondly, we already have self-defense statutes on the books nationwide. If one is compelled to use deadly force to save one's life or the life of another, it is unlikely to result in harsh punishment. But how many of us want a person to be able to simply claim they felt "threatened" as a justification for killing another citizen and skirt any legal responsibility?

Finally, I think we all know that this Stand Your Ground Law would not have been of much use had the races of the two people, Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman, been reversed. Had Martin been the shooter, he would be in jail right now. So this law was not enacted to protect the general population, but a select segment of it from another segment of it.

Oh, one other thing. The Stand Your Ground Law was signed into existence by Jeb Bush. You know, the smart, moderate, compassionate Bush brother.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, March 19, 2012

GOP Turns to Hollywood Magic to Counter Image Problem

Washington, DC. The Republican Party, and its four presidential candidates, are availing themselves of a bit of Hollywood magic to combat the growing perception that they are the party of old, white men and rich people.

"Folks have the misconception that we have a very limited appeal to a large segment of America simply because when our candidates make appearances the audience is primarily old and white and male," said Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC. "We're also dealing with a perceived lack of enthusiasm at our events since hardly anyone shows up. So to combat this, we are taking advantage of modern technology. From now on, when one of our candidates speaks, he will have a green screen behind him that will have an encouraging image projected on it.

"We tried this first with our frontrunner, Governor Romney. He has had dismal attendance at his events and is falsely perceived as getting support only from rich people. He also has an undeserved negative approval rating among Latino voters who disapprove of his support of the Arizona immigration legislation. So we have two great bleacher scenes we will be using behind him: one from a NASCAR race in Texas and another from a Mexican soccer game. The crowds are wild. And in the NASCAR scene, you can clearly see that a lot of the people don't have teeth."

"What about Speaker Gingrich and Senator Santorum, Mr. Chairman?"

"Chuck, we've addressed their issues as well. Mr. Gingrich is a hard-sell with black voters, so we have a great clip of the Mt. Zion Baptist Church choir swaying in unison behind him, with the occasional, 'Tell it!', 'C'mon!', and 'Amen!' thrown in for good measure.

"With Senator Santorum, we have a woman issue, so we have an excellent clip of the audience from the Oprah Winfrey Show, the one when they all win cars."

"Do you think this will work with the American people, Mr. Chairman?"

"Chuck, the American people are dumber than a crate full of hockey racquets."

"And how about Congressman Paul? Is he using this method?"

"Yes, we made it available to him, but we still have some bugs to work out. One of his aides accidentally ran the tavern scene from Star Wars."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Ever wonder if Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson and Neil Peart regret naming their band "Rush"?


Hey, Missouri. If you want me to pronounce your name "Mizzoorah," spell it with a fucking "a" on the end, not an "i." Now sit down and shut up. Nevada, don't even start.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Mississippi GOP Forces Rethinking of Evolutionary Theory

UC, Berkeley. After recent polls in Mississippi revealed that a vast majority of Republican voters still believe that President Obama is a Muslim, that interracial marriage should be illegal and that evolution is a myth, scientists have been forced to rethink their theories on how evolution functions.

"We have seen the process working, albeit slowly, in Alabama," said Prof. Roy Caldwell, "In Alabama an actual majority of GOP voters do not believe that people involved in interracial marriages should be hung from lampposts. However, a large percentage still seem to be oblivious to the facts on the President's origin and religion."

Asked what he found most surprising about the the recent Mississippi poll, Prof. Caldwell remarked, "That these people are still alive. One would expect that with their sub-par level of intelligence, their pathetic instinct for self-preservation and their inability to adapt and function in a modern world their demise would be sped up significantly, and that they would be replaced with a more vibrant, intelligent species. It is causing us to rethink some firmly-held constructs."

Prof. Caldwell and several of his colleagues are planning an expedition to Mississippi to study the inhabitants first-hand.

"It is quite rare to be able to study a still-existing primitive culture, and although there are certainly inherent dangers, we must seize this opportunity. We hope to begin in a month or so, after an intensive course in language and customs and the usual inoculations.

"We are really very excited, I must tell you. The Mississippi GOP cave art is remarkable."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Romney's Popularity Surges to Almost 30% Among Republicans

Washington, DC. After last night's stunning triumph in Ohio, in which former Governor Mitt Romney pummeled former Senator Rick Santorum 37.9% to 37.1% (288 votes), the Romney campaign is basking in the near-certainty that he will be the Republican nominee for president, unless someone else runs.

Said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "People are starting to really, really warm to our candidate, because they see him as just like them. We have absolutely sewed up the middle-aged Republican male underwear model vote, the conservative game show host vote and the white, slightly-depressed-but-not-yet-suicidal Republican dentist vote. We're hoping, with a little work, to pick up the self-hating gay Mormon Republican vote soon."

And yet, Governor Romney still struggles to match Senator Santorum's folksy charm and blue-nosed fundamentalist intolerance.

"We're working on that," Rhoades said, "Rick has his sweater vest that he's well known for. We've tried a serape/sombrero combo, stove pipe hats, buckskin jackets, fuzzy slippers and even a red clown nose, but nothing has really stuck. So we're just going with rolling up the sleeves on his five hundred dollar custom-taliored button-down shirt and a a pair of stone-washed jeans. We've got the intolerance thing down. What we really need is a good joke writer."

Meanwhile, Ron Paul continues his Quixotic quest for the presidency by losing every primary with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step.

"We've got them right where we want them now," said John Tate, Paul campaign manager, "you just wait. When the dust clears, Dr. Paul will be the only one left standing. Of course he won't be standing in the White House, but he'll be standing. We fitted him with leg braces."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Rush Limbaugh to Take Self-Imposed Suspension

Palm Beach, FL. Embattled radio talker Rush Limbaugh announced this morning he will be taking a two-week self-imposed suspension as a response to the furor over his recent comments regarding Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke.

"I think it would be best for me to take some time off until things cool down a bit. Therefore, I'm returning to the Dominican Republic to do some much-needed soul searching. I will also be continuing my on-going, in-depth study of child prostitution there with a few friends."

Mr. Limbaugh also reported that this time, to avoid any confusion at customs, he will be sending the crate of Viagra and condoms on ahead by DHL.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, March 1, 2012

RIP, Andrew Breitbart

I never feel that it's a good idea to celebrate someone's death, no matter how putridly malicious and nasty their life was. Therefore, I am asking that we all observe a moment of silence for Andrew Breitbart..... okay, that's long enough. Pass the cheese dip.

©2012 Kona Lowell

GOP Looking for New Means of Political Suicide

Washington, DC. Distraught over the defeat of the Blunt Amendment, but not yet ready to surrender, the GOP is today searching for new ways to commit political suicide.

"We had the perfect chance here of relegating our party to the trash heap of History, but were narrowly defeated," said Roy Blunt (R-MO), "but we are not giving up. We still plan to make it our party's signature issue to remove all health choices from American women, including not only abortion, but the availability of birth control, prenatal care, mammograms, cancer screenings and other frivolous health measures that merely prolong life."

"But Senator Blunt, it is generally understood that this is just not a popular agenda. It is unlikely that legislation like this can ever pass. If you are intent on political suicide, might you not need to find some other legislation that can be equally damaging to your party's future?"

"We are ready for that, David. We have a lot of arrows in our quiver. If trying to set women's health back a hundred years doesn't do it, we still have plans to repeal child labor laws, abolish Social Security and Medicare, give more tax breaks to billionaires while increasing taxes on the middle class, deregulating everything and smashing unions."

"But you're already doing that Senator."

"We still have an ace up our sleeve, David."

"And that would be?"

"Reinstating slavery, David. Reinstating slavery."

"That might do it, sir. You can't survive by winning only the southern states."

©2012 Kona Lowell