Monday, October 29, 2012

Breaking News!

This just in at Fox News. The Detroit Tigers sweep the San Francisco Giants, win World Series. Also, Romney leads in Ohio.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Tagg Romney

Tagg Romney, Sarah Palin just called. She wants her next son's name back.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Religious Right Embraces Romney

Amazing how many fundamentalist Christianists will support a man who believes that Satan is Jesus’ brother and that their Dad lives on a planet named Kolob, over a man who is a professed actual Christian. May have something to do with melanin. 

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Obama Did Not Win Debate #2

Hempstead, NY. If one listens to the spinners, pundits and pollsters tonight, one is likely to hear that President Obama won his second debate with former governor Mitt Romney. Nothing could be further from the truth. The president did not win, did not have the upper hand, did not edge Mitt Romney out.

No, President Obama engaged in a slaughter worthy of the best parts of the Old Testament. He didn't just win. He demolished him. He did everything but pull his head off and shit down his neck. He handed him his ass on plate. He put him on the ropes and beat him to a shapeless pulp. He mopped the floor with him. He opened a whole six-pack of Whoop-Ass and made Romney drink every fucking one of them. He beat him like a red-headed stepchild. He mortalized him. He ripped him a new one. He kicked him right in the nuts.

But he did it so presidentially.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, October 12, 2012

Ryan Demands Debate Rematch

Danville, KY. An unhappy Congressman Paul Ryan angrily expressed his demand for a debate rematch with Vice President Joe Biden this morning. Ryan, still sitting outside in the Centre College quad, drinking from a gallon jug of water, made it clear that he believes he was treated unfairly.

"I want a rematch. Look, no one told me this was going to be a math test. I would have studied. And Martha Raddatz was mean to me," he said, taking another long drink from the jug.

Asked how he would like the rematch to be handled, the young congressman took another drink and said, "Well, first of all, we should have to wear tank tops and do fifty pushups. And Biden should not be allowed to laugh or smile. If he does, he should have to go outside and stand in the hall. I hate people laughing at me. Reminds me of my first six dates. And we should have a fair-minded moderator, someone like Sean Hannity.

"Then there's the topics. Questions on foreign policy, abortion, taxes, Medicare or Social Security should be expressly forbidden. These are personal issues, matters of religious faith. That's crossing the line. We should just talk about how Obama is destroying this country and leave it at that," he said, finishing off the jug of water.

"Congressman, it is highly unlikely that a rematch of last night's debate will be scheduled."

"We'll see. My mom is calling President Obama today and telling him he just better arrange it. Always worked in school. Hey, I really need to pee. Where's the bathroom?"

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, October 1, 2012

Romney Making Progress with Debate Prep

Boston, MA. With only two days remaining to prep for the debate of his life, former Governor Mitt Romney is making notable progress. Said Ohio Senator, Rob Portman, who is the GOP coach and stand-in for President Obama, "He's come a long way. At first all he did was laugh at each question. We've almost broke him of that habit. And we've convinced him, I think, that 'I know you are but what am I?' can only be used a maximum of five times per debate."

Of course the real work has been trying to familiarize the candidate with foreign affairs, countries other than France and the unpronounceable names of a multitude of heads of state.

"He's doing pretty well," said Senator Portman, "We're using phonetic spelling techniques. He realizes he can't keep calling President Ahmadinejad 'Mr. A' or 'that Iranian guy.' He gets really darn close now. If you're not Iranian, you'd probably never notice.

"And we are working on not saying things like 'Soviet Union,' 'Burma,' 'Rhodesia,' 'West Korea' and 'Planet Kolob.' Just hope no one asks him about Kyrgyzstan. We're still a bit rough on that one. May use the laugh there.

"Only problem is, I told Mitt to watch as much Reagan as he could. You know, to try and channel the Gipper. How the fuck did I know he'd spend two weeks watching 'Bedtime for Bonzo?'

Meanwhile, President Obama is practicing with Senator John Kerry standing in for Mr. Romney. Said the Senator, "It's going pretty well. I've got the silly walk down perfectly. My smugness needs work, but the yachting cap helps. Can't wait to get out of these mom jeans, though."

©2012 Kona Lowell