Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Original Boston Potato Hammer!

How many times has this happened to you? You're balanced precariously on a step ladder trying to hang a picture of Elvis and Dale Earnhardt, when suddenly, "Honey, have you seen my hammer?"

"It's at the hammer repair shop, dear!"

"Again? Well, darn. I'll just use this potato."

Tap, tap, tap, splat.

"Ewww. What a mess!"

But if you had the Original Boston Potato Hammer:

Tap, tap, tap.

"Ow!!! My thumb!"

That's because the Original Boston Potato Hammer is made from authentic American rock, carved to look exactly like a potato right here in the United States of America! It's perfect for around-the-house chores, crafting, cracking macadamia nuts or slaying that brother whose sacrifices God likes better.

Perfect for the dorm or the RV! And if you order now, we'll send you a second Original Boston Potato Hammer free! Just pay additional postage and handling. Free shipping in the US, which means no Hawaii or Alaska.

Remember, it's not just a fucking rock. It's a fucking rock carved to look like a fucking potato that you can use as a fucking hammer!

©2013 Kona Lowell

GOP Sucks Lemons, Attends SOTU

Last night President Barack Obama delivered a comprehensive plan to improve the economy as well as a heartfelt plea to reduce gun violence. The Republicans reacted accordingly. So let me set the tone of this piece:

Fuck you, Republicans.

Let's ignore the pathetic attempts at rebuttal by Marquito Rubio and Rand Galt Paul, although Rubio's insatiable thirst was really, really cute. All you really need to know is that the first was considered a response from the "moderate" wing of the GOP (I know, I'm laughing, too) and the second the response from what is actually the Republican base: batshit crazy, racist, heavily-armed white guys who spend their days dealing with penis-envy and their nights tossing and turning in their double-wides at the thought of the UN coming for their Confederate flags, Hank Williams, Jr. CD's and Slim-Jims.

The GOP gave an indication earlier in the day as to how the President's speech and agenda would be received, when 22 of their senators courageously voted against the Violence Against Women Act. And noted asshole, Steve Stockman (R-TX), made his point by inviting would-be presidential assassin Ted Nugent as his guest. He was not asked to sing.

The Democrats of course dutifully trotted in and showed their faith in bipartisanship by sitting next to hand-picked Republicans, much like battered wives.

"Yes, he broke my nose three times, and my arm, but he's really a nice guy when he doesn't drink."

The Republicans also drew attention for their refusal to applaud the usual socialist schemes, like combating climate change, increasing the minimum wage and providing universal preschool. However, their refusal to stand was not so much in opposition to these things but due to the fact that those that still can had pitched serious tents at the mere thought of chopping away at Medicare and further terrorizing the poor.

The evening ended without any real surprises. Obama made his points with strength, dignity and occasional easy humor. The Republicans came off as the whiny, petty, sore losers they are and Ted Nugent did not die or go to jail.

But apparently he did shit his pants. Again.

©2013 Kona Lowell