Thursday, April 26, 2012

Romney Campaign Rents Hedgehog to Close Charisma Gap

Washington, DC. The Republicans, from pundits to pols, have been in a quandary as to how to counter President Obama's skillful oratory gift, his easy charm with ordinary folks, his vocal talent and his glib banter with late-night talk show hosts.

"Putting Romney out there totally unarmed with Obama charming the socks off of everyone is just going to kill us," said Reince Priebus, GOP chairman, "He has all the charisma of a sticky door handle. I mean, some kid gets her picture taken with Obama and it's all over the news, the internet and the twitterverse! If Romney were to hand out free puppies and cotton candy he couldn't get a break. So we've done the next best thing. We've rented a baby hedgehog for him to carry in his pocket. Cutest damn thing you've ever seen."

However, the tactic might not be working as planned. This morning after a Romney campaign stop in Pennsylvania, several young women lined up to have their pictures taken with the candidate and the baby hedgehog.

"Awwwww! He's so cuuuute!" said Mindy, age 19, "I want one! I'm going to name him Obama!!!"

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Nation Breathes Collective Yawn of Relief as Romney Wins 5 More

Washington, DC. Governor Mitt Romney inched closer to the inevitable Republican nomination last night with primary wins in New York, Delaware, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Pennsylvania. Pumping up the troops with a rousing victory speech, Governor Romney urged those still awake to "hold on a little longer, a better America begins tonight."

"I love America," Mr. Romney continued, "We have the right number of states. Fifty or so. America is the best country in the universe. President Obama is out of touch. America is beautiful. Our best days are just ahead of us. Right over there. See? Next to that orange thing. President Obama is in over his head. I love my wife. She's an American. I love this country and I love my wife. President Obama wants to apologize for America. You know why? He hates my wife. And America. We walk tall, because we're Americans. Or circus clowns on stilts. American clowns. The best clowns in the galaxy. I love this galaxy. It has the right number of stars. President Obama wants to apologize to the galaxy. I ran a business for 25 years. I love business. I love American business. I'm not apologizing for being severely successful. God bless America and God bless the United States."

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich has announced that he will announce that he will suspend his campaign in 6 days unless he changes his mind and doesn't announce that. Also, his books and tapes are available at 50% off, but this offer won't last forever, unless it does.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, April 23, 2012

MonsterQuest Abandons Search for Eisenhower Republicans

Washington, DC. The producers of the History Channel's hit show, MonsterQuest, have announced they will abandon their year-long search for the elusive Eisenhower Republican. While the effort is not being considered a complete waste of time and resources, the results have been less than positive.

Jeff Meldrum, Associate Professor of Anatomy and Anthropology and Adjunct Associate Professor of the Department of Anthropology at Idaho State University, and noted Bigfoot researcher, has been heading the team.

"We have had very reliable eyewitness accounts of this supposedly extinct creature for decades now," said Dr. Meldrum, "as well as some good tracks and a few somewhat blurry photos. You can see that these casts, which very closely resemble 1950's era wingtips, have very good definition. They were recovered in the D.C. area several years ago, but we have been unable to prove that they are authentic."

Some of the eyewitness accounts are quite thrilling. One Iowa resident, John Cornhole, claims to have nearly run over one with his truck.

"Ran right across the damn road! I nearly hit it, but it kept on going into the cornfield and that was the last I saw of it."

New Hampshire native, Don Treadonme, claims that one actually showed up for a town hall meeting.

"We knew it was an Eisenhower Republican immediately. It couldn't have been anything else. It grabbed the mike and said, 'Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history.' Well damn, we tried to catch it. Caleb here tried to get a picture of it, but it was out the door like a scalded cat. I never seen anything like it, and hope I never do again. Scared the hell outta me!"

The Eisenhower Republican, theoretically an ancestor of Modern Republicans, is believed to be less warlike, more liberal in its approach to social issues and not inclined to be batshit crazy.

"I think we gave it a good try," said Dr. Meldrum, "but I believe, in spite of the eyewitness accounts and trace evidence, that we are dealing with simple misidentifications. I believe that the Eisenhower Republican is definitely extinct and further efforts to locate one would prove fruitless."

Asked what he plans to do next, Dr. Meldrum replied that he was going to continue his quest to prove the existence of Bigfoot.

"I have a lot better chance of finding one of these," Meldrum said.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Romney Scores Major Coup with Manson Endorsement

Corcoran State Prison, CA. The Romney campaign is celebrating yet another celebrity endorsement today after meeting with Charles Manson at Corcoran State Prison. After the short meeting, Mr. Manson, 77, strongly endorsed Governor Romney's candidacy.

"I'm a big Second Amendment guy, you know. Governor Romney assures me that he will keep as many guns in the hands of people like me as possible. Plus, I was always a big fan of Joseph Smith. Man, could that dude start a fucking cult or what? Plus, Romney really has that killer instinct, you know. It's helter skelter, man. It's going down. You can forget the Tin Man. He sold it all to the grasshoppers. We'll be eating beets out of gold fucking cans. Carry my cross, motherfucker. Carry my cross."

Mr. Manson, who was recently denied parole for the 12th time after bragging to a prison psychologist that "I'm a very dangerous man" is of course ineligible to vote in the upcoming election, but plans to start a massive letter-writing campaign to put Romney over the top.

"You know what's really fucked up?" Mr. Manson queried, "I wanted to start a race war. All I had to do was vote Republican. Fuck me. I'm not eating that bacon, Santa. Adios muchachos."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Ann Romney, Patriot and Martyr

Ann Romney is selflessly supportive of her husband's lifelong dream of becoming president, even though it will be very tough on her. Mitt has never worked for such a small salary, and then there's having to move into a smaller home.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, April 13, 2012

Well, Shit

Asshat, AZ. Arizona Governor Jan Brewer just signed the ironically titled "Women's Health and Safety Act," a bill that establishes conception actually two weeks before conception. And you know what that means, right? Yep, you're two weeks older than you thought you were. Sorry.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Mitt Romney, Liar

It would be untruthful if I said I really understood Mormonism. I haven't made an intensive study of the religion, but after watching devout Mormon and former LDS bishop and missionary Mitt Romney, I can only conclude that one of its main tenets is to work at least one lie into every sentence one speaks.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, April 12, 2012

North Korea Still Trying to Be Very Scary, Very Sexy

Pyongyang, North Korea. North Korea just launched another missile in violation of UN resolutions and despite warnings from the United States and elsewhere. US intelligence, however, believes that the rocket fell apart harmlessly right after takeoff and was a complete and abject failure.

The launch was intended to bolster Kim Jong-un's standing with the military while simultaneously improving his dating prospects. Instead, it will likely be seen as an embarrassment and will result in the cessation of food aid for millions of starving North Koreans.

"Well, that sucked out loud," said a dispirited Kim Jong-un, "That's the last time I take Karl Rove's advice. Okay, back to Craig's List."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Hannity Under Oath?

There is some talk that due to Hannity's phone conversation with George Zimmerman, he may be called on to testify under oath. That would be interesting. It would be the first time in years that Hannity could actually be punished for lying.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Santorum Hangs Up Sweater Vest

Gettysburg, PA. Former Senator Rick Santorum has officially suspended his meteoric, grassroots campaign in light of the fact that he has a snowball's chance in hell of securing the nomination. Surrounded by his family, each sporting a charming risus sardonicus, Mr. Santorum swore to continue the fight to return America to the glory of the 18th century.

"Our campaign may be over, but I still have work to do! I will continue to fight to remove hard-won rights from the women and minorities of this country, to make members of the LGBT community objects of scorn and derision, to promote death and destruction worldwide, to slander one billion Muslims and encourage enmity towards them all, to scoff at science and higher education, to destroy unions and the middle class they built and to aid the super-wealthy in trampling the poor into the mud all with a facade of religiosity and pomposity. Thank you, and God bless the United States of America. And fuck you, Mitt Romney."

Meanwhile, the Ron Paul campaign has announced that victory is within their grasp.

"We've got them right where we want them," said campaign manager Jesse Benton,"now all we need is for Romney to drop out and we're in."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, April 9, 2012

A Hopeful Sign

So, a couple evenings ago I was holding forth from my stool at the Liar's Bar after the conversation about sports turned to politics. My friend Dennis, a blue-collar biker guy from New Jersey, has ventilated his extreme loathing of President Obama on multiple occasions, so I was left speechless by his pronouncement about the Republicans, and Mitt Romney in particular.

"There's no fucking way I'm voting for that goddamn rich fuck. Fuck him," Dennis said.

"So you're going to vote for Obama?" I asked.

"Fuck no. I'm just not voting," he replied.

I can live with that.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Defining Republican-Speak

This is the first in a continuing series intended to help the average not insane person understand the language spoken by Republicans. I hope the following definitions will be enlightening.

Bully (noun) A person who does not do exactly what you demand they do.

Liar (noun) A person who tells the truth about you.

Christian (noun) A person that uses Jesus Christ as a 2 x 4 to hit others over the head with.

Conservative (noun) A person opposed to anything that benefits the largest number of people and ironically opposes conservation as well.

Liberal (noun) A person who reminds conservatives too much about the parts of the Bible they hate.

Woman (noun) Bipedal breeding device and home appliance.

Democrat (noun) Enemy, spawn of Satan. Uses logic, facts and sometimes even morality to demonically make America better for the masses.

Entitlement (noun) Insurance you paid for that you now don't deserve.

Job (noun) Something created in a foreign country to give the natives something to do.

Tree-Hugger (noun) A person who doesn't want their child to die of an asthma attack.

Education (noun) A dangerous gateway drug that often leads to awareness and Democratic voting.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Santorum in a Snit About UC Curriculum

Washington, DC. Conservative juggernaut and professional fabulist Rick Santorum continued his assault on higher education yesterday with a diatribe against the University of California system, claiming:

"I was just reading something last night from the state of California. And that the California universities – I think it's seven or eight of the California system of universities don't even teach and American history course. It's not even available to be taught."

Of course this was immediately debunked, with Santorum being correct about only one of the ten schools, UC San Francisco, but this is because it is a medical school and offers no humanities courses. In fact,
University of California spokesperson Brooke Converse made clear that a study of American history was indeed a requirement for all UC undergrads.

But Mr. Santorum was not done. He went on this morning to lament the liberal curriculum and, correctly, claimed that these courses that he has home schooled his own children in were not offered at UC campuses:

The Triumphant History of the Sweater Vest: 1397 to the Present

Really Neat Things About the Dark Ages, 101

A Short History of Man on Dog Sex, an Introduction

The Earth: 6,000 Years Old and Just Asking for It

Meet the Fetus.

Modern Conservative Comedians and Their Impact on Society

The Crusades: A Positive History

Islam: More Evil Than Nazism and Browner, 101

Poor People: An Unlimited Resource

Creationism: What Thousands of Nobel Scientists Don't Know

The Modern Woman: A Guide to Cooking, Housework and Repetitive Childbearing

Medieval Birth Control: Back to Basics

Knowledge and Faith: An Impossible Marriage

Reagan: How Trickle-Down Economics Saved America

Putting the Fun in Fundamentalism

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney claims that after embracing the Paul Ryan budget, it goosed him with a reach-around.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, April 2, 2012

Romney Running Strong Among Insane and Suicidal Women

Middleton, WI. The Romney campaign expressed confidence today that their candidate would be the eventual nominee of the Republican Party due to a groundswell among women voters who are insane and/or suicidal and who stress that the national debt is their greatest concern.

As Governor Romney stated in a town hall meeting near Madison, his wife Ann has her finger on the pulse of the batshit crazy American woman, “She says that she’s going across the country and talking with women, and what they’re talking about is the debt that we’re leaving the next generation."

This was in evidence this morning in Oshkosh when Mr, Romney took questions from a primarily female audience outside a Piggly Wiggly.

"Governor Romney, I'm a single mother of three and I'm having a really hard time saving for my son's college education. What are you going to do about the national debt?"

"I'm glad you asked. Obama has made things worse."

"Mr. Romney, I'm the mother of a special needs child. If the Affordable Care Act is repealed, I will not be able to provide the care she needs. So what are you going to do about the debt?"

"I understand. Obama has increased the debt by several bazzilion dollars."

"Yes, hello, I just got married recently and my husband and I are not ready to start a family. Right now my insurance covers my birth control. What I want to know is exactly what you're going to do about the debt."

"Congratulations on your marriage. I hope you have as many happy years as Ann and I have had! Ha ha! Obama has grown the debt by one hundred gazzilion dollars."

"Governor Romney, I'm a gay atheist and as a mother do not want to see the wall of separation between Church and State torn down. What are you personally going to do to reduce our debt?"

"Thank you for your question! I wish Ann were here to answer it. Obama wants to increase the debt by one hundred million trazzilion dollars."

Meanwhile, the Ron Paul campaign is running an ad for primary voters on Craig's List. No pros, please.

©2012 Kona Lowell