Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Barack Obama's Fault

Remember when we petulant liberals used to blame George W. Bush for his little faux pas that inconvenienced us and the rest of the world? You know, like sitting there blissfully reading My Pet Goat while terrorists he imprudently ignored leveled the Twin Towers. Or starting a needless war based on outright lies that killed possibly one million Iraqis, 4,500 Americans and left another 30,000 of our soldiers wounded. Or flushing the economy down the toilet. Or starting another war in Afghanistan that is now the longest in our nation's history. Things like that. Remember?

Well, it turns out that Bush was a slacker compared to Obama. Of course Bush was a slacker compared to most slackers but I'm talking about in racking up guilt. So much of what is going wrong today is Obama's fault that it's hard to keep the list updated.

For example, Republican politicians and pundits will tell anyone willing to listen — make that every major network — that it is entirely President Obama's fault that Putin invaded and annexed Crimea and is threatening Ukraine. Yes, I know this is the same Putin who invaded Georgia during George Bush's presidency and no one blamed Bush, but that was because Dubya looked into Putin's dead eyes and saw a reflection of his own bankrupt soul. Plus Putin had seen pictures of Bush in a borrowed flight suit and knew that he was muy macho, like him. He knew that Bush's concept of foreign policy was the military equivalent of premature ejaculation and so was completely cowed. Instead, being psychic, he bided his time, waiting for the weakling Obama to become president so he could begin his reformation of the Soviet Union, one piece at a time. Putin would have behaved had Romney become president, because besides being white, Mitt's the kind of guy who looks scarey in his mom jeans. Really scarey. Seeing your parents having sex scarey.

Of course we now know that Obama's renowned weakness with world leaders led to the disappearance of Flight 370 and is precisely why it has not been found, as furious former UN Ambassador John Bolton (and his even more furious mustache) made crystal clear on Fox News. It's Obama's fault for not bombing Malaysia. Or something.

And all of this, from Putin invading Crimea to Malaysian officials not immediately resigning their posts and begging the US to run their country is all a direct result of Obama's feckless handling of — say it with me — Benghazi. Yes, it's Obama's fault that diplomats in a besieged embassy a world away in the middle of a revolution were killed, because the terrorists knew that Obama would just sit there and fill in his NCAA bracket.

But it's not just disasters on the world stage that are Obama's fault. It's clearly the situation here at home as well.

For example, we cannot get immigration reform passed. Why? Because Republicans say Obama cannot be trusted to carry out the law. It's his fault.

The Republicans must resort to voter suppression. Why? Because Obama had the nerve to win. Twice. It's his fault.

West Virginia has contaminated water. Why? Because Obama hates the coal industry. It's karma. It's his fault.

Winter storms have been the worst in history. Why? Because God wants to prove that Obama is wrong about climate change. It's his fault.

Republicans are saying stupider things about rape, women, the poor and minorities every day. Why? Because Obama makes them so angry they can't think straight. It's his fault.

People are being forced to give up lousy, expensive health insurance and replace it with better, cheaper polices. Why? Because Obama ramrodded the ACA through Congress and made it law. It's his fault.

Young Black men are being targeted and killed by older, angry white men with penis issues. Why? Because they look faintly like Obama. It's his fault.

And just this past Monday a long-awaited earthquake struck Los Angeles. Why? Because it's fucking L.A. And that certainly is Obama's fault. But the Republican House is not taking this one lying down. They have rushed through a bill to deal with the President's utter fecklessness in earthquake prevention. They demand that the San Andreas Fault be renamed Barack Obama's Fault.

The bill is expected to die in the Senate. Which, as you know, is Obama's fault.

©2014 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Send in the Clowns: A CPAC Review

National Harbor, MD. If you were not one of the thousands of far-right pilgrims pious enough make the hadj to the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC, at the ironically named Gaylord National Hotel here this past week, or have been media-deprived, we at Kona Journal now offer you a quick recap of the highlights. But first, here's comedian Jackie Z, fresh from the Clamdigger Room, with his take on the big event. Jackie?

"Thanks chief! Hey, I just flew in from Miami. I'm not gonna say it's humid down there, but I need a steam bath to dry out! But seriously! CPAC? What is that? An antibiotic? Hey, these Republicans are a great crowd! You know what's dumber than a Republican? Two Republicans! You know I've seen less venom at a rattlesnake roundup. Yeah, the crowd here is all upset about Ukraine. Well Crimea river! Hey, ya know what the number one appetizer is here? Putin on a Ritz. Hey, I'm not gonna say all these Republicans are douches, but the best-selling drink here is vodka and Summer's Eve."

Thanks Jackie! Save me a seat at the bar! Anyway, there were several outstanding performances by leading Republicans.

Governor Rick Perry of Texas was a big hit with the uber-conservative crowd. Looking almost sentient in his black-rimmed glasses, a very animated (as in cartoonish) Perry wowed the crowd with his televangelist hair and delivery. He drew wild applause for his call for the government to give corporations free rein to decimate the nation and his not-so-subtle jab at that drag on the economy, the Post Office, and the cruel Republican-made problems it staggers needlessly under.

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey drew polite applause for his attempt to prove his anti-choice bona fides and hatred for all things Obama, but ruined any chance he had of garnering the presidential nomination by advocating that the party actually have ideas. Even the fact that he is probably facing indictment for criminal behavior is not enough to save him.

Former Arkansas Governor and embarrassment to bass players everywhere, Mike Huckabee, did the full Benghazi and a very bad Jesus impersonation, reminding all lapsed Christians why they lapsed.

Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky came out of his shell and allowed Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn to play with his gun to the delight of one and all. He also threatened to make the Senate a place Coburn can be proud of again if he becomes Majority Leader.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas used his stage time to savage other Republicans, as usual, and to the great joy of Democrats nationwide continued with his utterly nonsensical theory that Republicans could win it all if they were just meaner, more racist, more anti-science, more pro-war, more pro-rich and more anti-woman. In other words, more conservative. There was not a Tea Partier there who did not pitch a tent.

Congressman Paul Ryan's stirring speech on the righteousness of allowing starving children to die with dignity left not a dry eye in the room.

Senator Rand Paul, who won the straw poll and will therefore never be president, proved his daredevil credentials by successfully tackling a subject he is entirely unfamiliar with: principles. He also droned on about liberty, something Democrats are apparently allergic to.

But of course the star of the show was former half-term governor, Fox News paid liar, losing vice-presidential candidate, failed reality star, queen of smarm, wet dream of Rich Lowry, the ever-snide Sarah Palin. Palin did not disappoint with her acid-tongued swipes at Obama's manhood and proved that she had read at least one book, Green Eggs & Ham (or her speech writer had). She thrilled the audience with the possibility of a new Cold War and brought the hooting and hollering house down with the suggestion that real men love nuclear war. She stood up for the most downtrodden among us, the millionaire fakers of Duck Dynasty. But her most wallet-felt remarks came in her plea for women to not be mere "accessories" for the Democratic Party, but to embrace the full freedom of servitude and submission awaiting them in the GOP. The room echoed and shook to cries of "Run, Sarah, run!" On a personal note, I have always refrained from using the "C" word to describe any woman, but in Palin's case, I'll make an exception. She's a cretin.

Finally, I think I can sum up the entire convention/primal scream therapy session/circle jerk best with the lyrics to that old song. "Send in the clowns. Don't bother, they're here."

©2014 Kona Lowell

Monday, March 3, 2014

Barack Obama, Girlie-Man

Washington, DC. Republicans, who by the way are "all Ukrainians now," are beside themselves with shame and embarrassment that President Barack Obama seems unwilling or unable to display the proper alpha male chest-pounding and feces-throwing that defines their idea of US foreign policy. Or as battle-scarred commando Lindsey Graham stated to Candy Crowley this past weekend:

"Well, number one, stop going on television and trying to threaten thugs and dictators. It is not your strong suit. Every time the president goes on national television and threatens Putin or anyone like Putin, everybody’s eyes roll, including mine. We have a weak and indecisive president that invites aggression."

Graham is not alone in his panty-twisting contempt for Obama's girlie-man diplomacy. Old warrior Rudy Giuliani, who battled the Viet Cong from the very front stacks of a Manhattan law library, adjusted his bra straps and expressed his tumescent admiration for Vladimir Putin's Bushian style of decisive, head-long, incautious action, "Then everybody reacts. That's what you call a leader. President Obama, he's got to think about it. He's got to go over it again. He's got to talk to more people about it."

Also incensed to the point of extreme huffiness was Charles Krauthammer, who sits ready to wheel himself onto the field of battle shouting "Half a league, half a league, half a league onward, all in the valley of Death rode the six hundred," but instead must watch Obama issue statements that he seems to find in need of testosterone. Said Krauthammer, between bites of a bull testicle sandwich, “You could not have issued a more flaccid statement than what Obama did. Why did he issue it at all? He should’ve just stayed at the White House and gone off and had his happy hour with the Democrats." (Note: "Happy hour" is Republican for gay group sex.)

Senator John McCain, Navy ace, is livid. Of course that is normal, but this time he's even livider. He sees the whole crisis as being "the ultimate result of a feckless foreign policy in which nobody believes in America’s strength anymore." McCain, who is known for having an enormous amount of feck and more than a petting-on-the-first-date audacity when it comes to all things war, wants to desperately demonstrate that strength by, well he's not exactly sure, but it's clear that Obama doesn't possess the machismo to carry it out, whatever it is.

And therein lies the Republicans' — and more specifically the neocons'  — problem, and the cause of their impotent, sputtering rage. For years they've been slapping around puny, basically defenseless little countries full of brown-skinned heathens and now they have a chance to take on nuclear-armed Russia and vicariously prove their collective, much-doubted manhood and they know, but won't admit, that Obama is doing what anyone in his right mind would do. So all that's left is to complain shrilly about the calm, stern and determined Obamaesque way in which he's handling it and pretend that if they were in charge, they would do it so much more, well, American, and  there would be lots of really cool explosions and everyone would be really, really scared of us. Like Osama bin Laden was of Bush. Oh, wait...

©2014 Kona Lowell