Friday, January 11, 2013

So You Really Want Guns in School, Huh?

Waimea, HI. I get posts from the cops here via email. This one just came in:

Community: Waimea School lock-down 01-11-13

Hawaiʻi Police Department
South Kohala District
Lieutenant William Gary Souther
Report No. C13000866
Media Release

Hawaiʻi Island police responded Friday morning (January 11) to a report of a stranger on campus at Waimea Elementary School.

In response to a 7:56 a.m. call, officers learned that an unknown man had been seen chasing a 10-year-old boy on the school campus. Another student reported the incident to school officials as a stranger on campus.

As a precaution, both Waimea Elemenatry School and Waimea Middle School, which are located on the same property, went on lock-down for about 35 minutes.

Now some well-meaning folks, and some ignorant wobblefucks like Wayne LaPierre, will tell you that if we only had the teachers, janitors, bus drivers and cafeteria workers armed, we could handle a situation like this properly. They could have taken that psycho down, and likely one of them would have. Oh, here's the last sentence of the police report:

Police investigation later determined that the man on campus was a relative of the boy and that they had been playing. 

©2013 Kona Lowell 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Hammer Time

So I was minding my own business, having drink at my local watering hole last night, when a ditto head sitting next to me began trying to convince me that hammers kill more Americans every year than guns.

Wish I had a hammer on me.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Scientists Isolate GOP Asshole Jerkoff Gene

Boston, MA. Scientists at The Center for Human Genetic Research claim to have identified and isolated the gene that causes Republicans to be asshole jerkoffs. This breakthrough may in the future lead to gene therapy and a possible vaccine for this presently incurable condition.

"We began this study in a roundabout way," said Dr. William Frogworth, head of the project, "by trying to locate a single Republican in either the House or Senate who was not an amoral, pathologically evil asshole jerkoff. We were unable to identify a single one, even among the women, who showed at times even less empathy than their male counterparts. We found this shockingly aberrant, and began to posit that this must be a genetic condition."

The goal of this crucial research is to prevent future generations of Republicans from entering the breeding population and thus allow for a society based on compassion, generosity and cooperation.

"As long as there are Republicans," Frogworth said, "as a nation, we're going to look more and more like any of a number of zombie apocalypse B-movies you've seen. Climate will continue to become more extreme, gun deaths will skyrocket, the homeless community will burgeon, constant war will be the norm, the middle class will utterly vanish and the very wealthy will assemble large, massively weaponized private armies to guard their walled compounds."

Unfortunately, although the asshole jerkoff gene has been isolated, a vaccine or cure is years away.

"In the old days, we would have just rounded up people like this and disposed of them in one unpleasant way or another," Frogworth said, "but, thankfully, we don't operate like that now. So we're putting all our energy into this project. We are guardedly optimistic."

Asked what to expect if they are unsuccessful in developing a therapy or vaccine, Dr. Frogworth said, "Well, it's not good. This genetic condition seems to get worse logarithmically. Imagine millions of Louis Gohmerts and Newt Gingriches roaming the streets."

"We would be fucked."

"Yes, we would be fucked."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Why 2013 Is Going to Be Less Sucky

Call me an optimist. Go ahead, I'll wait. Thank you. Yes, I am, and I choose to be one, because the alternative is to drive myself to new depths of despair daily and be unable to enjoy even the simple good stuff (music, sex, food, drink, humor, beauty, etc.) that's part of this brief life. I see no point in that at my age. But don't assume I base my rosy outlook on mere wishful thinking. Here are some reasons why 2013 will not suck out loud.

We will not be saying "President Mitt Romney" or "Vice President Paul Ryan." That in itself does it, but there's more.

We will see several of the worst Tea Baggers consigned to oblivion, or Fox News, when the new Congress is sworn in. Bye bye Joe Walsh, Allen West, Todd Akin, et al. We will also see new progressive Democrats sworn in, which will give us the most diverse Congress in history.

There will be no imaginary Mayan apocalypse on the horizon. Oh sure, some shithead somewhere will predict the end of the world, but no one will sell t-shirts.

We will have the constant schadenfreude of watching the Republicans self-flagellate, deny reality, grope for answers, chew each others' faces off, pander for relevance and votes and generally make total assholes of themselves as they stumble forward to the 2014 midterms.

Gay people will be getting married in more states and people will be smoking pot legally in others. Wedding planners and snack food makers rejoice.

President Obama will have a stronger hand with the new Congress. We should see gun safety legislation and immigration reform, at least, enacted. Will it be all we want? No. Will it be more than we would get with President Romney and a Republican Senate? Do sixteen year old boys like internet porn?

We will not be hearing "Gangnam Style" or seeing people who should not attempt this revised Peewee Herman dance doing it in public.

We will not be seeing Karl Rove and Dick Morris much on TV, unless they are arrested for the sex crimes you just know they commit regularly.

We will snicker and poke each other as Fox viewership continues to plummet. Funny, seems that people eventually get tired of being lied to.

We will see Obamacare begin to kick in. Millions of Americans will say to themselves, "Hey, this is a good thing! Why did I listen to those fucking liars at Fox?"

Hannity will contemplate retirement.

Glenn Beck will contemplate suicide.

Rush Limbaugh will began to wonder, "Are they laughing with me or at me?" It will be more "at."

We will spend less time fighting people in other countries and more time talking to them. More troops will be coming home from Afghanistan. John McCain will be very sad.

There will be no conservative judges appointed to the Supreme Court. The same will go for 2014, 2015 and 2016. Anything to keep the GOP forlorn.

It will be The Year of the Snake, which is my year, meaning that everything I want to happen will happen. What? It doesn't work that way? Okay, 2013 is going to suck.

©2013 Kona Lowell