Why 2013 Is Going to Be Less Sucky

Call me an optimist. Go ahead, I'll wait. Thank you. Yes, I am, and I choose to be one, because the alternative is to drive myself to new depths of despair daily and be unable to enjoy even the simple good stuff (music, sex, food, drink, humor, beauty, etc.) that's part of this brief life. I see no point in that at my age. But don't assume I base my rosy outlook on mere wishful thinking. Here are some reasons why 2013 will not suck out loud.

We will not be saying "President Mitt Romney" or "Vice President Paul Ryan." That in itself does it, but there's more.

We will see several of the worst Tea Baggers consigned to oblivion, or Fox News, when the new Congress is sworn in. Bye bye Joe Walsh, Allen West, Todd Akin, et al. We will also see new progressive Democrats sworn in, which will give us the most diverse Congress in history.

There will be no imaginary Mayan apocalypse on the horizon. Oh sure, some shithead somewhere will predict the end of the world, but no one will sell t-shirts.

We will have the constant schadenfreude of watching the Republicans self-flagellate, deny reality, grope for answers, chew each others' faces off, pander for relevance and votes and generally make total assholes of themselves as they stumble forward to the 2014 midterms.

Gay people will be getting married in more states and people will be smoking pot legally in others. Wedding planners and snack food makers rejoice.

President Obama will have a stronger hand with the new Congress. We should see gun safety legislation and immigration reform, at least, enacted. Will it be all we want? No. Will it be more than we would get with President Romney and a Republican Senate? Do sixteen year old boys like internet porn?

We will not be hearing "Gangnam Style" or seeing people who should not attempt this revised Peewee Herman dance doing it in public.

We will not be seeing Karl Rove and Dick Morris much on TV, unless they are arrested for the sex crimes you just know they commit regularly.

We will snicker and poke each other as Fox viewership continues to plummet. Funny, seems that people eventually get tired of being lied to.

We will see Obamacare begin to kick in. Millions of Americans will say to themselves, "Hey, this is a good thing! Why did I listen to those fucking liars at Fox?"

Hannity will contemplate retirement.

Glenn Beck will contemplate suicide.

Rush Limbaugh will began to wonder, "Are they laughing with me or at me?" It will be more "at."

We will spend less time fighting people in other countries and more time talking to them. More troops will be coming home from Afghanistan. John McCain will be very sad.

There will be no conservative judges appointed to the Supreme Court. The same will go for 2014, 2015 and 2016. Anything to keep the GOP forlorn.

It will be The Year of the Snake, which is my year, meaning that everything I want to happen will happen. What? It doesn't work that way? Okay, 2013 is going to suck.

©2013 Kona Lowell