Saturday, December 29, 2012


Washington, DC. Tea Party members demand Boehner be replaced with life-sized cheese sculpture of Nathan Bedford Forrest.

© 2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

GOP Makes Gun Control Offer

Washington, DC. Republicans stunned Washington insiders this afternoon by taking the lead in the gun control debate as they made an offer to partially ban assault weapons, large ammunition clips and shoulder-held rocket launchers.

"We are all grieved by the tragedy in Connecticut," said John Boehner (R-OH), "and as Republicans we want to take the first step in solving the problem of the wrong people having massive weaponry."

The White House responded immediately by stating that the GOP offer was a non-starter.

"The President appreciates Mr Boehner and the Republicans taking a first step on this critical issue," said Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary, "but does not believe that the exception of making assault weapons, large ammunition clips and should-held rocket launchers available to only people making over $250,000 per year is a reasonable answer."

"So you're saying this offer is dead?"

"Yes, Chuck. And we also disagree that the exception should include fetuses, too."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, December 7, 2012

Republican Think Tank

Republican think tank? Oh, I get it! That's like a whorehouse for the impotent.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, December 6, 2012

End of the World Party

My wife received a call last night from a good friend who is planning an End of the World Party. The conversation went something like this:

"Thursday night? I can't be there! I have to work in the morning!"

"But the world is going to end Friday."

"The world can't end Friday! I have to work! Can't we have the party on the weekend?"

"No, because the world is ending Friday!"

"The world can't end on a weekday. I have to work."

So, there you go Mayans. Better luck next age.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Tea Party Leaderless???

Dick Armey resigns commission in Dick Army. 

©2-12 Kona Lowell

Saturday, December 1, 2012

No Billionaire Left Behind

Here's a little graphic you can use if you like.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Reagan & Jesus

How is Reagan like Jesus? Republicans ignore things he said and did that they hate, too.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

McCain Question Goes Unanswered

John McCain still upset that Susan Rice can't answer his question, "What is love?" 

©2012 Kona Lowell

My Favorite Things

I love three things: music, writing and sex. The older I get, the more time I find for music and writing.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Fox News

Admitting to watching Fox News should be as acceptable as public masturbation. In front of a day care center. While wearing bunny ears.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, November 23, 2012

How Stupid Are You?

No, that's not me asking the question. It's the Republicans, and they're banking on the answer being "Pretty fucking stupid."

Let me explain. For the next several months, possibly years, you are going to be hearing that the GOP is moderating its views and policies. You are going to hear that they are moving towards the middle, that there still exist Republicans who are willing to compromise. Don't believe it.

Remember that the big holdup right now is about a less than 4% tax increase on those making over $250,000 per year. It's peanuts. It means nothing to these people. What they really want is to decimate the Big Three: Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. And the way to do that is to pretend to be willing to compromise on a minor tax increase none of them would even feel. Don't get suckered.

Let's be truthful. There are no good Republicans. Oh sure, there are people, members of your family and mine perhaps, who support the GOP and don't realize how evil the party truly is, that falsely believe the GOP's policies would actually help the middle class and the poor, but I'm talking about Republican politicians. They are evil.

Name one piece of Republican legislation, one policy, one idea that has ever benefited the middle class or the poor. I'll wait. Dum de dum dum, la de dah, dum de dum.

Yeah, I couldn't think of one either. There's a reason for that. The GOP exists for one reason and one reason only: to protect the wealthy from the rest of us.

I used the word "evil" up above. It is not a word I throw around. It's like the word "love" to me. I use it sparingly. But what do you call a philosophy that exhibits not simply callous indifference to the poorest, the weakest, the hardest working among us but actually seeks to make those who are struggling even poorer, sicker and weaker? And does so with a transparent maliciousness and winking spite, all with the misanthropic goal of further enriching those already bloated with historic wealth?

Evil works for me.

So I will not be buying into the bullshit that is going to be dumped on us until the next election. Sure, a couple Republicans may concede a point or two from time to time. Some will do so because they fear being voted out in their purple districts. But most are just bluffing. Their goal remains unchanged and that goal is to gut the so-called "entitlements" while distributing as much wealth as possible upwards.

Don't be fooled. Remember that the entire Romney campaign was based on lies. And racism. Not one ad his campaign ran was factual. Even the theme of their convention was based on a lie. They are incapable of honesty, another facet of evil, I would say.

They are counting on you and I being stupid. Let's disappoint them.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Giving Thanks

Every Thanksgiving Day, I take time to reflect on my pretty damn wonderful life and count my blessings. This usually means I run out of fingers and must count on my toes as well. And the cat's toes.

If you are an American, you can probably do this, too. Go ahead. Give it a whirl.

So here are some of the things I'm thankful for, this November 22, 2012.

I'm thankful that Obama gets a second chance to demonstrate how Democrats make better Presidents than Republicans. Every single time. Lincoln excepted.

I'm thankful that a majority of our citizens do not base their votes on skin color, ethnicity, sexual orientation or lies.

I'm thankful that billions of dollars spent to have the opposite effect were well wasted.

I'm thankful that two wars are winding down and that most people are not eager to watch other people fight another one.

I'm thankful that those so-called minorities realized how powerful they really are.

I'm thankful that what used to be the majority will just have to get used to not getting their way. Sorry old, straight, white, male, racist fucks.

I'm thankful that Fox News is losing viewership. This is either due to their audience wising up or jumping out of very high windows.

I'm thankful for Nate Silver and his 538 Blog for keeping my blood pressure low for several months.

I'm thankful that Republicans seem to have never discovered this preventative medicine.

I'm thankful that I still live in a majestically blue state. Good job, Hawaii. Republicans, flights leave back to the mainland hourly. Aloha.

I'm thankful that Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber, Allen West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh (the talentless one), Richard Mourdock and several other Tea Party elite are soon to become embarrassing footnotes in American history.

I'm thankful they will be embarrassing footnotes for the GOP. Every damn one of them, for years to come.

I'm supremely thankful that I do not have to use the word "President" followed by the word "Romney." Ever.

I'm thankful that the left, of which I am a charter member, has finally grasped the concept of incrementalism. Beats the hell out of all or nothing, since we usually end up with nothing.

I'm thankful that pot legalization is no longer a pipe dream.

I'm thankful that I have lived long enough to see the first Black president and believe I will see the first woman president before I shuffle off.

I'm thankful that I'm not a Republican. Turkey goes much better with cranberry sauce than crow.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, November 9, 2012

The Republicans Figure It All Out

Washington, DC. On the heels of their historic defeat Tuesday night, Republicans are facing the reality of their loss and making plans for future elections. Most are now realizing that they had a winning message, but did not deliver that message in an effective way.

"A lot of Americans saw our party as being overly concerned about the top 1%," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "Our mistake was not pointing out that we're really for the little guy. I mean, what's larger? 1% or 99%? We just didn't get this across."

"We needed better outreach to the Latino community," said Marco Rubio (R-FL). "Instead of talking about self-deportation, we should have offered them bus tickets. And a sack lunch."

"We blew it on women's issues," said Mitch McConnell (R-KY) "and that really cost us. Next time we'll keep all our crazier members in the basement and not use the "R" word so much. And we'll find Republican women who will deliver a solid, anti-woman message. Women always trust other women. They've got one brain between them."

"We need to get out there in the African-American community and fight for their vote," said Reince Priebus (RNC Chairman). We already have, what, five Black Republicans? We can build on this. We just need to teach our guys to rap. Or play basketball. And maybe lose those pictures of Obama with a bone through his nose."

"I think we did everything right," said Steve King (R-IA) "we just don't have enough white people. I suggest we do some serious breeding. Or we could just import more white people. From Germany."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

What We Learned

Last night's big win was instructive, as well as exhilarating. So what did we learn from this historic night?

The Redskin Rule is bullshit. Surprise.

Nate Silver should not be allowed anywhere near Las Vegas.

Social media activism is not jerking off. Of course I thought Egypt had already proved that.

The South will not rise again.

African-Americans and Latinos don't like being kicked in the face. Who knew?

Thuggery and voter suppression is so 1950's.

Money doesn't trump everything.

Trump is still a fucking, treasonous idiot. Fire him, NBC. Now.

Women do not take rape lightly. Write that one down, Republicans. Better yet, tattoo it on your fucking foreheads.

A campaign based entirely on lies (yes, lies, not misstatements) will backfire. Your mom was right.

We need a federal voting system. Or we can let Florida fuck up every election for the rest of our lives.

Having Bruce Springsteen singing at your rallies is a good thing.

Having Meatloaf shrieking at your rallies is a bad thing.

Bill Clinton has been forgiven.

Racism is no longer chic. It's hick.

Republicans will continue to be intransigent. Fuck them. Run them over, with a steamroller preferably.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I Voted

Just got back from voting at Konawaena Elementary School. The place was full of folks from my local watering hole, even one of the bartenders. I asked him for a vodka rocks, olive. He said I'd have to wait.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Now Tweeting

Yes, damn it, I gave in and am now tweeting @konalowell. Small, easily digestible snark tidbits. Don't miss all the fun and carnage.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Breaking News!

This just in at Fox News. The Detroit Tigers sweep the San Francisco Giants, win World Series. Also, Romney leads in Ohio.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Tagg Romney

Tagg Romney, Sarah Palin just called. She wants her next son's name back.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Religious Right Embraces Romney

Amazing how many fundamentalist Christianists will support a man who believes that Satan is Jesus’ brother and that their Dad lives on a planet named Kolob, over a man who is a professed actual Christian. May have something to do with melanin. 

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Obama Did Not Win Debate #2

Hempstead, NY. If one listens to the spinners, pundits and pollsters tonight, one is likely to hear that President Obama won his second debate with former governor Mitt Romney. Nothing could be further from the truth. The president did not win, did not have the upper hand, did not edge Mitt Romney out.

No, President Obama engaged in a slaughter worthy of the best parts of the Old Testament. He didn't just win. He demolished him. He did everything but pull his head off and shit down his neck. He handed him his ass on plate. He put him on the ropes and beat him to a shapeless pulp. He mopped the floor with him. He opened a whole six-pack of Whoop-Ass and made Romney drink every fucking one of them. He beat him like a red-headed stepchild. He mortalized him. He ripped him a new one. He kicked him right in the nuts.

But he did it so presidentially.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, October 12, 2012

Ryan Demands Debate Rematch

Danville, KY. An unhappy Congressman Paul Ryan angrily expressed his demand for a debate rematch with Vice President Joe Biden this morning. Ryan, still sitting outside in the Centre College quad, drinking from a gallon jug of water, made it clear that he believes he was treated unfairly.

"I want a rematch. Look, no one told me this was going to be a math test. I would have studied. And Martha Raddatz was mean to me," he said, taking another long drink from the jug.

Asked how he would like the rematch to be handled, the young congressman took another drink and said, "Well, first of all, we should have to wear tank tops and do fifty pushups. And Biden should not be allowed to laugh or smile. If he does, he should have to go outside and stand in the hall. I hate people laughing at me. Reminds me of my first six dates. And we should have a fair-minded moderator, someone like Sean Hannity.

"Then there's the topics. Questions on foreign policy, abortion, taxes, Medicare or Social Security should be expressly forbidden. These are personal issues, matters of religious faith. That's crossing the line. We should just talk about how Obama is destroying this country and leave it at that," he said, finishing off the jug of water.

"Congressman, it is highly unlikely that a rematch of last night's debate will be scheduled."

"We'll see. My mom is calling President Obama today and telling him he just better arrange it. Always worked in school. Hey, I really need to pee. Where's the bathroom?"

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, October 1, 2012

Romney Making Progress with Debate Prep

Boston, MA. With only two days remaining to prep for the debate of his life, former Governor Mitt Romney is making notable progress. Said Ohio Senator, Rob Portman, who is the GOP coach and stand-in for President Obama, "He's come a long way. At first all he did was laugh at each question. We've almost broke him of that habit. And we've convinced him, I think, that 'I know you are but what am I?' can only be used a maximum of five times per debate."

Of course the real work has been trying to familiarize the candidate with foreign affairs, countries other than France and the unpronounceable names of a multitude of heads of state.

"He's doing pretty well," said Senator Portman, "We're using phonetic spelling techniques. He realizes he can't keep calling President Ahmadinejad 'Mr. A' or 'that Iranian guy.' He gets really darn close now. If you're not Iranian, you'd probably never notice.

"And we are working on not saying things like 'Soviet Union,' 'Burma,' 'Rhodesia,' 'West Korea' and 'Planet Kolob.' Just hope no one asks him about Kyrgyzstan. We're still a bit rough on that one. May use the laugh there.

"Only problem is, I told Mitt to watch as much Reagan as he could. You know, to try and channel the Gipper. How the fuck did I know he'd spend two weeks watching 'Bedtime for Bonzo?'

Meanwhile, President Obama is practicing with Senator John Kerry standing in for Mr. Romney. Said the Senator, "It's going pretty well. I've got the silly walk down perfectly. My smugness needs work, but the yachting cap helps. Can't wait to get out of these mom jeans, though."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

You Really, Really Don't Like Me

I am finding myself almost feeling sorry for Mitt Romney today. Imagine spending over 50 million bucks just to find out people really, really don't like you. I could have told him that for a free drink. Damn. Okay, I'm over the slim possibility of feeling sorry for him now. Yes, I'll have another.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

GOP Shit Sandwich Not a Big Seller

Washington, DC. Republicans have suddenly come to the shocking realization that it may not be their candidates that aren't selling, but their policies and ideas that the American people just aren't buying.

"Who knew that busting unions would upset blue collar workers?" said Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "We figured they could live with that as long as we promised they could keep their anti-tank weapons. Heck."

"Since when did Americans decide they didn't want another war? They used to love watching someone else's kid get his legs blown off. Made them all warm and fuzzy," said John McCain (R-AZ).

"We thought women would be thrilled to have Planned Parenthood defunded and Roe v. Wade overturned," said John Boehner (R-OH), "but we must have caught them at that time of the month. Maybe we should have given them all some herbal tea."

"Hey. Everybody likes billionaires! They're like rare tigers. We just assumed everyone would be happy to pay higher taxes to keep them thriving," said Lindsay Graham (R-SC). "Maybe if we had really cool t-shirts."

"Old folks like Medicare and Social Security? Really? Since when?" said Marco Rubio (R-FL). "Chingao!"

"We're basically fucked," said Bill Kristol (douche nozzle). "The more we tell people what we want to do to this country, the more they want to hang us from lamp posts and set us on fire. We should have just adopted the Democratic platform and hoped people would go for the white guy. Reagan couldn't sell this shit sandwich."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Romney Campaign Discovers Election Not a "Gimme"

Washington, DC. The Romney campaign is desperately trying to regroup and explain away recently revealed video in which the candidate denigrates 47% of the American populace in front of $50,000 a plate donors as basically spineless moochers and not worthy of his consideration.

"Mr. Romney was not saying these people were unworthy of being represented by him," said a profusely sweating Stuart Stevens, the campaign's top strategist and the man who arranged for Clint Eastwood to ad lib, "he was saying that, um, what he meant was, I mean, you see, uh...oh fuck it."

Asked what Mr. Romney hoped to accomplish by apparently calling the Israeli/Palestinian issue a lost cause and a Palestinian state an impossibility when he claimed that the Palestinians "don't want to see peace," Mr. Stevens curled up in a fetal position on the floor and began slowly rocking back and forth and saying something over and over about "a happy place."

"Look," said Matt Rhoades, campaign manager, after covering Mr. Stevens with a red blanket, "we didn't plan for this. Our whole campaign was supposed to be that Romney's the white guy, vote for him. I mean no one's whiter than Romney, for fuck's sake. We didn't know he was just going to wing it and try to talk about stuff. Anyone have a full bottle of barbiturates?

"You'd think people would vote for his grey-around-the-temples thing, damn it. How about a gun? Bottle of Drano?"

Meanwhile, President Obama is practicing for the debates with John Kerry playing the part of Mitt Romney.

"It's going pretty well," Senator Kerry (D-MA) said, "except for the uncontrollable, explosive laughter. The President hopes to have a handle on that come debate night."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Shooting for Dumb

Washington, DC. Former Pennsylvania senator, Rick Santorum, shocked the media but comforted the Republican faithful Saturday at the Values Voter Summit when he admitted, "We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country.We will never have the elite, smart people on our side, because they believe they should have the power to tell you what to do."

"I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear Mr. Santorum say that," said Les Braynes. "But then I can't tell you exactly what city I'm in. Mexico?"

"We want ordinary, really dumb Republicans to have a home, a sanctuary," Santorum said, "A haven, where they can reaffirm their core beliefs, and no one will laugh. At least not in front of them.

"A party where they're free to believe that, as a boy, Jesus had a pet dinosaur named Skylar, that sex education causes over-heated radiators and ear infections, that the U.N. is planning to force all country singers to have adenoidectomies and wear lederhosen and, of course, that the South will rise again."

Joining the former presidential candiate will be other famous dumb people: Rep. Michele Bachmann (R - Minn.), Glenn Beck, Kirk Cameron, Gov. Mike Huckabee and Gov. Mitt Romney. Hank Williams, Jr. will be performing on armpit.

Meanwhile, arcane comedian Dennis Miller is finding himself to be a man without a party. "The Republicans won't have me because I'm too smart. The Dems won't have me because I'm an arrogant dick. I'm as fucked as Messalina in the twenty-four hour competiton with Scylla the prostitute in Robert Graves' Claudius the God."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, August 31, 2012

A Little Unsolicited Advice for the Romney Campaign

Whoever the special effects wizard was that made Romney and Ryan up to resemble kewpie dolls for the RNC, next time, go a bit lighter on the blush. Second, get Romney voice lessons. His plaintive, whiny, keening delivery is not helped by the habit of dropping the pitch at the end of every sentence. It gives the distinct impression that he is boring himself as well. He also needs to learn to speak in a lower register, like, oh I don't know, Obama maybe? It sounds like his magic underwear is too constricting. Finally, teach him a new facial expression. The old one — or rather the only one — used to express dismay, happiness, anger, earnestness or any other emotion in the human experience, is unconvincing if the point is to not appear to be a soulless automaton that spits out lies and gives not a fuck.

You're welcome.

©2012 Kona Lowell

The Man with No Brain

Tampa, FL. Last night legendary actor/director Clint Eastwood chose to end a half-century, mostly-brilliant career by stumbling and bumbling his way through a nasty and poorly rendered take-down of President Obama in front of millions of astonished TV viewers instead of just shooting himself in the head.

"I thought it came off pretty well," the grizzled actor said. "I played The Man with No Name in several spaghetti westerns and this time I thought I'd give The Man with No Brain a shot. Hey, can you get some kind of award for these things? I've got a bare spot on my mantelpiece."

The cringe-inducing fiasco, already being fashioned into a one-man play by Sam Shepard (Man with Empty Head Talks to Empty Chair), is the talk of all Hollywood and the social media.

"Good God, I thought my career was over for being a full-on, bigoted Republican wobblefuck," said Jon Voight, has-been, "but Clint just made me look like a voice of reason. I'm calling Kelsey Grammer right now. Maybe he can get me a guest on The Boss. If not, there's still Dancing with the Stars, if these new hips hold up."

Meanwhile, the Obama administration has finally managed to stop laughing.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, August 30, 2012


Wobblefuck: An ignorant, lying, ineffectual conservative. I know, redundant. You heard it here first. Just sayin'.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Note to Teabaggers

The word "deficit" has nothing to do with using an actual sit-down toilet. You're welcome.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, August 24, 2012

GOP Woos Women Voters with "Dr. Squirt" Amendment

Washington, DC. With Republicans increasingly losing support of women voters over their stance on birth control and abortion, key lawmakers have proposed an amendment to their party platform to hopefully assuage the situation.

"Look, we understand that a lot of women don't like what they see as our intolerant policy on abortion, especially that 'no exceptions' part," said Sen. Roy Blunt (R-MO), "but we believe we have a happy compromise that should be acceptable to everyone, and one that we will gladly fund with taxpayer money.

"You know, most people see the Dark Ages as a time of ignorance and superstition, but the religious people of the time came up with one idea that was not only brilliant but compassionate. They called it "Doctor Squirt" and it was widely used throughout Europe on millions of women.

"Of course back then it was made of brass, but we have modernized it by manufacturing it out of non-toxic plastic."

"Senator Blunt, this looks a lot like a vaginal syringe of some sort."

"That's right, David. It is. But what makes it different is that it is filled with Holy Water."

"Holy Water?"

"Yes, David. You see, since we do not allow abortion, even to save the life of the mother, this allows the priest to baptize the unborn child before both he and the mother die, guaranteeing that the child will go to heaven. It was very, very popular among the poor."

"I can imagine."

"The great thing is that the liberals can never accuse us of being uncompassionate again. I think American women will be very thankful for this caring option. And of course heaven has plenty of room."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, August 20, 2012


Finally came up with a new word for people like Hank Williams, Jr., Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and all the rest of the conservatives who hate, hate, hate Obama and think that supporting a party that will destroy most of us is patriotic. It is "hatriot." Rhymes with "patriot." You're welcome.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Bold and Smart

I want to be "bold" and "smart" like Paul Ryan. So I just threw my 86 year old dad out of his house, kicked a beggar in the face, loosened the bolts on the wheelchairs up at the hospital, told a Mexican to go home and replaced a woman's birth control pills with aspirin. Whew! What a day.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Romney Explains Paul Ryan Pick

Washington, DC. Mitt Romney appeared on Fox & Friends this morning to bask in the the warm after-glow of his vice-presidential pick, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.

"Wow, now we have two underwear models on the same ticket!" Gretchen Carlson chirped. "As a Republican woman, I can tell you this is the closest I've been to being sexually satisfied since I gave up horseback riding!"

"This is a can't-lose ticket, Governor Romney! It's like we got Palin, but without the PMS!" Brian Kilmeade intoned.

"I for one am just happy to be a real American," said a choked-up Steve Doocy, "This gives hope to bland, angry white guys with small penises everywhere."

"Well, I'm glad you all approve. It was a really tough choice," Mr. Romney said.

"So why not Pawlenty or Portman or even Rubio, Governor?"

"Well, they are all fine men, Steve, but having Paul on the ticket says something loudly and clearly to the people of this country."

"And that is?"

"Fuck you."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, August 10, 2012

Romney Proposes Truce with Foreign, Anti-American Obama

Washington, DC. In a recent interview with MSNBC's Chuck Todd, presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney proposed something of a truce with his opponent, President Obama.

"Our campaign would be — helped immensely if we had an agreement between both campaigns that we were only going to talk about issues and that attacks based upon — business or family or taxes or things of that nature.

“We only talk about issues. And we can talk about the differences between our positions and our opponent’s position,” Romney said. “Our ads haven’t gone after the president personally. … We haven’t dredged up the old stuff that people talked about last time around. We haven’t gone after the personal things.”

"But what if President Obama doesn't agree to those terms, Governor?"

"Well, Chuck, one would hope that Mr. Obama's Kenyan upbringing and Muslim faith would forbid him from engaging in those sorts of attacks. The fact that he doesn't understand America shouldn't prevent him from taking the high road. He's been high lots of times."

"But if taxes and family and business experience are off limits, what can he talk about?"

"He can talk about how he's made the economy worse, how he apologizes for America, how he is waging a war on religion, how he is taking work out of welfare and how he despises business."

"Can he ask how your Mormon faith guides your decisions and actions?"

"That would be hitting below the belt, Chuck. I think even his pastor, the anti-American communist Jeremiah Wright, would agree with that."

"Thank you, Governor."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Romney Wows GOP Faithful with World-Class Lying Ability

Washington, DC. It took some time, but Republicans are now all on board for their presumptive candidate, Mitt Romney. It was not the policies, the oratory skill, the debonaire demeanor, the lack of empathy, the grinning evil or the gray around the temples that won them over. It was the innate, some would even say magical, ability to lie repeatedly with a straight face while feigning smug religiosity.

Mr. Romney first made Republicans swoon with his initial ad, wherein he cleverly used President Obama quoting John McCain's remark from the 2008 election, "If we talk about the economy, we'll lose," and made it appear as if Mr. Obama were talking about himself. He followed this up with a constant refrain at every stop on how Obama was going around the globe apologizing for America. This was paired with yet another falsehood, that the President had made the economy worse.

But Mr. Romney was just getting warmed up. His next major ad campaign featured yet another brilliant misquote, "You didn't build that!" which was used to make Obama appear to be talking about building businesses as opposed to infrastructure. Republicans were pinching themselves to see if they were dreaming.

And now we have maybe one of the best deceptive ads of all time, wherein the Romney campaign claims that Obama is removing all work requirements from welfare, while in fact the opposite is true. When this ad first ran, 90% of Republican viewers had simultaneous orgasms. And the ad does not even have a single image of Sarah Palin in it.

"I'm impressed," says Dick "Musket" Little, Fox viewer, Tea Party member and conservative Christian, "We didn't know Romney had it in him. I mean, we knew he could lie. He's a Republican. But this is Olympic-quality lying. And now he's even got the race card going. Damn, I can't even watch TV without a pocketful of Kleenex. I feel like a kid again. Oh shit. Excuse me."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Tough-Talking Romney Flexes Military Muscles

Jerusalem. Presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney delivered a stern warning to Iran in a rousing speech today in Jerusalem, much to the delight of Israel's right-wing government and neoconservatives in the US, many of which advise the candidate on a professional level. While the former governor said that he hoped economic strategies and diplomacy would deter Iran from gaining nuclear equality, he reiterated that he would support “any and all measures” to prevent this and that “no option should be excluded.”

“It is sometimes said that those who are the most committed to stopping the Iranian regime from securing nuclear weapons are reckless and provocative and inviting war,” Governor Romney said. “The opposite is true. We are the true peacemakers. History teaches with force and clarity that when the world's most despotic regimes secure the world's most destructive weapons, peace often gives way to oppression, to violence, or to devastating war."

After the applause died down, Mr. Romney continued, "So tomorrow my five sons and I will be taking an entirely new direction. All of them will forgo their present careers and enlist at once in the military in hopes of leading our troops into battle on the fields of Iran. I will personally be abandoning my presidential campaign, converting to Judaism and moving here to Israel where I will use my vast wealth to construct new military hospitals and personally share in whatever tragedies befall the region."

Stunned silence.

"Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Me and the boys stand to make a buttload off this!"

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, July 27, 2012

Romney Submits Preemptive Apologies to Poland, Israel

London, England. The Romney campaign is furiously scrambling to avert yet another foreign policy disaster by sending apologies to Poland and Israel before he arrives.

"It seemed like the best thing to do," said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "since Governor Romney will not be on the teleprompter and will often be forced to take a stab at behaving like an actual human."

The presumptive Republican nominee committed several gaffs upon arriving in London, but did apologize for asking if dentistry was still illegal in Britain, how they managed to remove all flavor from their food and for mistaking the Queen for a member of the Monty Python troupe.

"I loved Braveheart!" he said, to assembled media. "I love being able to disembowel people."

The campaign is hoping to make it back to the US with a minimum of embarrassment in the two remaining countries.

"It's going to be close," Rhoades said, "but I think we've convinced the governor that the joke about Polish women wearing one sock would be best left out and that those things are called "yarmulkes," not beanies and that they never have propellers on them."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Smoking Something

Tuesday morning on Fox News, Republican surrogate John Sununu offered this opinion of President Obama, "This guy doesn’t understand how to create jobs. So there is no surprise — there should be because of that statement no surprise on why he failed so miserably over the last four years, in terms of job creation. He has no idea how the American system functions, and we shouldn’t be surprised about that, because he spent his early years in Hawaii smoking something, spent the next set of years in Indonesia, another set of years in Indonesia, and, frankly, when he came to the U.S. he worked as a community organizer, which is a socialized structure, and then got into politics in Chicago."

While Obama has already detailed his brief experimentation as a teenager with drugs and alcohol in his biography, and while all of Mr. Sununu's assertions as to the president's efforts and understanding of American economics can be debated, one thing remains clear: if Mitt Romney had spent his early years in Hawaii smoking something he would likely not be the arrogant, smarmy, soulless dick he is.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, July 16, 2012

Romney's Ace in the Hole

Washington, DC. With a chorus comprised of Democrats, pundits and even many very prominent Republicans calling on candidate Mitt Romney to release more of his tax returns, the Romney campaign is hunkering down, hoping the bombardment will soon be over.

This latest salvo comes on the heels of a non-stop Bain blitz that has the GOP candidate seeing his poll numbers decline in key battleground states.

However, the Obama campaign shows no signs of easing the barrage of negative ads or forgoing raising questions about Mr. Romney's unreleased tax documents. This strategy has the presumptive presidential nominee fending off attacks from all sides, and has deprived him of the opportunity to take the offensive.

"We are hoping this will all blow over," said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "and we will once again be able to resume our normal obfuscation, calumniation, aspersions and fantastic hyperbole. But in the meantime, we are saving our ace in the hole for November."

"And what would that be, sir?"

"Mitt Romney is still not Black."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Betty Reacts to Romney's New Ad

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Romney Becomes Mexican to Woo Latino Vote

Washington, DC. With Latinos now the fastest growing demographic in the United States, comprising 16% of the population (and polling heavily for President Obama) Republican candidate Mitt Romney was faced with the very real possibility that his campaign was a losing proposition — until now.

Campaign manager Matt Rhoades announced this morning that Governor Romney would now be fully embracing his Mexican roots.

"Hola. Gobernador Rrrrrromney's padre was born in Mexico, as you all know, so from now on we will be celebrating that fact by letting Senor Rrrrrromney be who he truly is — a proud Mexican. Gracias."

Mr. Romney looked stylish as he entered his bus wearing a black and gold sombrero, boots and greca suit as his mariachi band belted out the sonorous rhythms of La Cucaracha.

"Adios, mi amigos! Arriba! Arriba! Ándale! Ándale!" he shouted, as the doors closed.

Mr Rhoades informed the press that Mr. Romney's advisor on all things Latino is their gardener, Manuel, who has assured them that these steps are absolutely guaranteed to win the Hispanic vote.

"It's amazing how helpful Manuel has been, especially after being fired after all those years of service."

Mr. Rhoades, attired in bandido garb with a black sombrero and dual ammunition belts, was detained momentarily for not having a press badge, but informed security who he was and that he didn't "need no stinkin' badges."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, June 29, 2012

How to Ace Your Job Interview

The following is a sneak peek from my yet unfinished 3rd book, provided here for my loyal readers.

How to Ace Your Job Interview

   Jobs today are not as plentiful as they once were, so it’s crucial when interviewing for a position to make a good impression immediately, as there are likely several other applicants waiting in the wings. So to guarantee that your interview will be a success, I have compiled a short list of suggestions which will be helpful for the first-time job-seeker or the veteran applicant.

   Attire is very important. The impression that one creates upon entering the interview room can make all the difference. Therefore, avoid wearing an ascot and captain’s yachting hat, unless that’s the job you are interviewing for.

   It is not advisable to bring a lunch to one’s interview, but if you do, always put your napkin in your lap and chew with your mouth closed.

   Do not begin your interview by asking, “So, what do you do here?”

   If chewing tobacco, always bring you own cup to spit in.

   Do not ask, “Where’s the break room?” before beginning your interview.

   Eye contact is very important. Always pretend you are having a staring contest with a cat.
   Some companies will require a urine test for drugs, but always wait until they ask you to provide a sample. Do not use the interviewer’s coffee mug.

   Manners are still important. Always say “Excuse me” when you fart.

   Leave your dog at home or in the truck.

   If one is a Mormon or a Jehovah’s Witness, do not proselytize or hand the interviewer a Watchtower or any other religious tract unless they give you the secret handshake.

   Consider not mentioning the fact that John Wayne Gacy was your cousin.

   A cheerful disposition is a plus. Laugh long and loudly at every question.

   Wear matching shoes.

   A compliment will go a long way. If the interviewer is female, always say something positive about her attire or appearance and wink.

   Always place one’s handgun on the table and be sure it is not loaded.

   When using former cellmates as references, be sure to include prisoner ID numbers.

Do not go to sleep until the interview is over.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Affordable Healthcare Act Upheld

That pop-pop sound you're hearing is not fireworks, it's Republican heads exploding all over the country.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Exxon Mobil, the Education Company

If you watch TV, you are likely to see some slick ads from Exxon Mobil bewailing the test scores of American students in math and science. This is a good thing, and a problem that needs to be addressed. As Exxon Mobil declares on its website for the project:

In 2009, the Program for International Students Assessment ranked U.S. students 17th in the world in science and 25th in math. Let’s change those numbers. Let’s invest in our teachers. Let’s inspire our students. Let’s solve this.

Nice sentiment, but there is one big, thumping, elephant-in-the-room problem with this. You see, Exxon Mobil is a leading donor to the GOP, so far spending about a million on this election (and 12.7 million in 2011). They also fund ALEC and use their huge profits to keep those nice little oil subsides.

I have a hunch that that 4 billion in subsides could be used to improve education in this country, but then I'm just a writer and so don't have much more than a nodding acquaintance with money.

But maybe Exxon Mobil really is sincerely concerned about America's children. After all, they need employees. Thousands and thousands of them. So they're putting their vast wealth into supporting Mitt Romney, who said, speaking of President Obama recently:

“He wants another stimulus, he wants to hire more government workers. He says we need more fireman, more policeman, more teachers. Did he not get the message of Wisconsin? The American people did. It’s time for us to cut back on government and help the American people.”

I really should have taken some economics courses when I was in college instead of all that music and philosophy (and partying), then maybe I would understand how firing teachers is really investing in them. And of course Mr. Romney believes that class size is irrelevant when it comes to learning, so I imagine those kids will be seriously inspired to get out of school just as fast as possible and get jobs with Exxon Mobil. Or the military. But I repeat myself.

Yes, if Exxon Mobil gets its way, we should have a guaranteed workforce for decades (with basic math and science skills) hopefully all well-acclimated to hot, sandy, bomb-filled environments.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Michigan State Rep. Confounds Fellow Lawmakers with Name Change

Lansing, MI. Michigan State Rep. Lisa Brown (D-West Bloomfield), now famous for being banned from speaking on the House floor for using the word "vagina" while protesting an anti-abortion bill, wowed the 5,000 member audience when she an other female Democratic colleagues performed Eve Ensler's "Vagina Monologues" on the Statehouse steps Monday night.

Although the performance was well-received, Ms.Brown did not rest on her laurels, but immediately contacted her attorney and began proceedings to undergo a legal name change.

A spokesman for the Michigan Statehouse said that they would most likely just call her Ms. V., but was not sure if that would mean everyone else would have to go by their last initial alone.

"We're basically fucked," the spokesman said on conditions of anonymity.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Americans Decide They Really, Really Enjoy Being Lied To

Speedbump, PA. Dedicated Romney supporters and casual passersby provided an attentive audience today for presumptive presidential nominee Mitt Romney as his bus tour stopped at small towns along the route. Immediately, the candidate regaled the tens of people with endearing and encouraging fictions.

"My surrogate is former Gov. Rendell, who said we could win Pennsylvania," Romney said. "I'm happy to hear that, so we're happy to be here and see some folks here."

That former Governor Rendell is actually an Obama supporter did not faze the cheering crowd, most of whom had heard of their former governor before.

Romney continued with a well-rehearsed list of calumny, pretended to eat a sandwich, then boarded his bus, leaving many in his wake nodding their heads in agreement while shifting their toothpicks from one side of their mouths to the other.

Billy "Piehole" Johnson, worm farmer and Romney supporter, summed it up:

"You know how your wife goes and puts on a new pair of spandex pants and then asks you if it makes her look fat? You always say 'hell no,' right? Even if she looks like a bright pink bratwurst with a camel toe. Hell, she already knows she's fat, but she wants to hear you say she ain't. Then she can shovel another half gallon of tin roof down her yap. Same thing with politics.

"We all know Romney's a liar, but damn it, we like the lies. That's why we watch Fox. And wrestling. It's like Christmas, you know. More fun when you believe in Santy Claus. You know, I can be the first billionaire worm farmer if we just give the rich guys more money."

"You actually believe that?"

"Hell no! But it makes being a worm farmer with a fat wife in pink spandex pants a hell of a lot easier to take."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, June 15, 2012

Romney Speech, Dog Translation

Yesterday, while only miles and minutes apart, President Obama and presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney delivered competing speeches defining their visions for the future of our country. Since Governor Romney has had a difficult time gaining the confidence and respect of American dogs as a result of the Seamus incident, we have here presented his speech as translated by Rexford, my neighbor's black Lab.

Bark bark bark bark hello bark bark bark bark no bark bark bark no bark no no no bark bark bark bark bark bad Obama bad bark bark no bark bark bark bad Obama bad bad bark bark bark bark no bark bark bark bark bark who's a good boy bark bark no bark no no no bark bark bark.

Bark bark no no no bark bark bark bad Obama bad bark bark bark beg bark bark bark no no bark bark bark stay bark bark bark speak bark bark bark beg bark bark bad Obama bad bad bad bark bark bark bark.

Bark bark bark no no no bark bark bark bad Obama bad bad bad bark bark bark bark bark no bark bark bark who's a good country bark bark bark no bark.

Many thanks to Rexford for his help. Information-challenged independents may substitute the words "blah blah blah" for "bark bark bark."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Romney Steels Himself to Endure Magic Bus Tour

Cincinnati, OH. Former Governor Mitt Romney's bus tour to the heartland of America will launch tomorrow in New Hampshire and wend its way to Pennsylvania, Ohio and Wisconsin, an ordeal for which Mr. Romney has been strenuously preparing for several weeks now.

"We have had Governor Romney on a very strict workout regimen for the past two months," said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades, "which includes hours of sitting in a bus seat and waving vigorously. His wrist is much stronger now. We think he'll be ready by gameday.

"We have also tested him on various foods he is likely to encounter on his odyssey, like hot dogs, donuts, hamburgers, bratwursts, potato salad and pretzels. Right now he is scoring in the upper 70's on identification, but we hope by Friday he will get close to 90%. Of course getting him to eat these things is the real challenge. We're still working on that. We keep a small vial of truffle oil on hand to douse these lower-class foodstuffs with and make them less offensive to his sensitive palate."

Asked what the greatest challenge has been, Mr. Rhoades remarked that it was getting Mr. Romney to understand the concept of the bus tour.

"He didn't understand when we first announced this tour that he would actually have to ride on the bus. The meds seem to be helping."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, June 11, 2012

Just Trying to Help

Using my graphics skills to help the Romney campaign make it over the hump. No thanks necessary!

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Defining Republican-Speak, Part 3

The following definitions are part of an ongoing effort to clarify words and phrases used by Republicans. While all are in common usage, for Republicans they hold different meanings than for sane and moral people. To read part 2:

Tax (noun) A penalty assessed for being middle-class.

War (noun) A jobs program for the poor; a boom market.

Filibuster (noun) Threatening to take one's balls and go home while having no balls.

Environment (noun) Liquid assets.

Democracy (noun) Something delivered to other countries from 30,000 feet.

Ronald Reagan Republican savior, infallible. The impossible ideal to which all Republicans aspire.

Jesus Embarrassing understudy to Ronald Reagan, evoked when dealing with rubes.

George W. Bush

Liberal Media Alibi.

Austerity (noun) A lo-cal diet for the starving.

Debt (noun) A paper bag filled with dog feces which is left burning on the front porch of each newly elected Democratic president.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Jesus as Ignorant, Redneck Asshat

Maiden, NC. Pastor Charles Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church, and self-appointed earthly representative of Jesus Christ, believes he has the perfect plan to eliminate homosexuality from the United States, and simultaneously please the perverted, vicious image of the Prince of Peace that he preaches:

"Build a great, big, large fence — 150 or 100 mile long — put all the lesbians in there. Do the same thing for the queers and the homosexuals and have that fence electrified so they can’t get out…and you know what, in a few years, they’ll die out…do you know why? They can’t reproduce!"

Unless you should think, however, that Pastor Worley is completely devoid of compassion, he does suggest air-dropping food into the concentration camp. Nice.

While the pastor's solution certainly resonates with his benighted congregation, it has one glaring flaw (besides being almost magically evil), and one would suppose he would notice this, since he mentioned it in the above quote, and that is that homosexuals do not reproduce. So where do they come from?

Straight people.

So even if all gay people were put into death camps, straight people will continue to have gay children.


Pastor Worley really needs to rethink this plan. Fortunately, he will have an eternity to ponder it.

In hell.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

So Mitt Romney walks into a bar...

So Mitt Romney walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't see very many lying, heartless, greedy vulture-capitalist-destroyers-of-the-middle-class who are also Mormons in here."

And Romney says, "Maybe if you served milk."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, May 14, 2012

Unused First Draft of Romney's Liberty University Speech

Lynchburg, VA. This past weekend presumptive presidential nominee Mitt Romney delivered the commencement speech at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. We are fortunate to have received a copy of the first draft of that speech before it was drastically edited and present it here in its entirety.

"Hi there, boys and girls! I am severely honored to be here today, on this important occasion, as you make your way into the world and begin the work you've prepared for. I love Liberty University. The buildings are just the right height. Ha ha. I also love the name of your town, Lynchburg. It reminds me of trees. Ha ha.

"Now I know many of you think I'm a member of a cult, just because my religion tells me that God lives on a planet named Kolob and that Jesus is Satan's brother, but really I'm just like you: intolerant and Machiavellian, although richly cloaked with false piety, and in my case, magic boxers.

"Just like you, I believe marriage is sacred and is only to be between one man and one woman, unless you're Rush Limbaugh, and then it's one man and four women. Ha ha. Poor Rush, he was just born in the wrong century. If he had been born in my grandfather's day, he could have had all four at the same time! Ha ha.

"But seriously, we cannot let gay people ruin the institution of marriage. The next thing you know, they'll be getting divorces just like the rest of us. Imagine the log jam in the courts! And I still stand by my commitment to all American bakers they they not be required to create gay wedding cakes if it offends their consciences.

"And even though I believe Jesus came to America to teach the Indians, I, like you, am severely pro-life, except for endless war, the death penalty, Muslims and Irish Setters. That is why we must abolish Planned Parenthood and the ASPCA. If women want free health care, they should marry a guy with some money. As for the ASPCA, they spend millions aborting puppies. I want to live in a country where there is a dog for every car roof.

"Now you graduating students are entering the real world, where you must, like me, make your own way. And believe me, as a businessman I know how to do this. First, have a father who is a governor and president of a car company. Then be very tall and handsome. It's easy. If you don't make it in business, you can always be an underwear model. Ha ha.

"Of course I'm talking to the boys here! You girls are now equipped to be the best little homemakers the world has ever seen! Don't forget that! Breed your own soccer team! Ann did!

"So go out now into the world and use the knowledge you've amassed here at Liberty — creation science, revisionist history, Dominionist theology and smug intolerance — to return our nation to its glory days. There's a planet with your name on it waiting for you.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Sunday, May 13, 2012


My neighbor Nick made us a wonderful and unique breakfast this morning. Aside from the fresh-squeezed OJ, he did his usual round, homemade waffles, but this time he cut a hole in the center, inserted a poached egg, which had spicy spam under it, then topped with hollandaise sauce. It was delicious. But he couldn't think of what to call it. I suggested Eggs Romney.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


The austerity measures the Republicans want to inflict upon this country would be the brilliant equivalent of canning the entire Chicago Fire Department right in the middle of the Great Chicago Fire.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Same-Sex Marriage

What? You think if gay people can't get married there will be less of them?

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, May 4, 2012


I have this recurring fear. It gnaws at me. It keeps me awake at night. It's there when I wake in the morning, leering at me from the foot of my bed.

You see, I write political humor and snark. My fear is that one day I will be completely out of ideas.

Then I turn on the news.

Fuck you, fear.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Defining Republican-Speak, Part 2

The following definitions are provided to help the average non-Republican understand the arcane language of the GOP. While most of these words and phrases are in common use, among the GOP they possess a certain esoteric, almost magical meaning. To read Part 1 of this series:

Bipartisan (adjective) Democrats caving to Republican demands.

Compromise (verb) Archaic. No longer in use.

Poor (noun) Usually "The poor," people who have fallen out of favor with God.

Native American (noun) White European.

Bible (noun) A bludgeoning device.

Activist Judge A judge who bases decisions on what is best for the greatest number of people.

Strict Constructionist A judge who safeguards the wealth and power of the 1%.

Demographics (noun) A fear so overpowering it can only to be compared to slow, prolonged and total annihilation.

Facts (noun) Lies.

History (noun) Lies arranged in chronological order.

Sin (noun) A moral lapse committed by a Democrat.

Hope (noun) Deceased comedian known for USO tours.

Muslim (noun) Terrorist.

Terrorist (noun) Any person active in opposing Republican ideology, or any Muslim.

Voter Fraud A Democratic election victory.

Hawaii (noun) An island chain off the coast of Kenya.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Mitt Romney, Fifth Beatle

Washington, DC. It has been revealed in the past few days that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was actually the architect of the auto bailout that saved GM, that he would have killed Osama bin Laden with his own bare hands and that he is not a stuffed shirt, but a wild and crazy prankster who short sheets beds and gives chamber maids hilarious fake dismissal notices, but only today was it made known that he was actually the "Fifth Beatle."

"This is usually an honor bestowed upon Sir George Martin," said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "but it was actually Mitt who was instrumental in turning an average rock and roll band from Liverpool into the history-changing phenomenon that were the Beatles.

"For example, the Beatles wanted "Eleanor Rigby" to be a kazoo and banjo song, but Mitt insisted they use a string octet instead, producing one of the most memorable pieces of popular music ever created. Of course Mitt's piano work on "In My Life" is legendary."

The Romney campaign, however, was quick to dismiss any rumors of a reunion tour in the near future.

"Mitt's rock and roll days are behind him," Rhoades said, "He has other priorities. But we can and will return this country to the early sixties."

Meanwhile, Brian Wilson, 69 year-old founder of the Beach Boys, has agreed to add Romney's name to any further pressings of "Good Vibrations."

"We really couldn't have written that without Mitt," Wilson said, "He was a really more of a hodad, you know, but still in my mind a big kahuna. Drank a lot of milkshakes. Good dancer. Nice Woody."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Romney Campaign Rents Hedgehog to Close Charisma Gap

Washington, DC. The Republicans, from pundits to pols, have been in a quandary as to how to counter President Obama's skillful oratory gift, his easy charm with ordinary folks, his vocal talent and his glib banter with late-night talk show hosts.

"Putting Romney out there totally unarmed with Obama charming the socks off of everyone is just going to kill us," said Reince Priebus, GOP chairman, "He has all the charisma of a sticky door handle. I mean, some kid gets her picture taken with Obama and it's all over the news, the internet and the twitterverse! If Romney were to hand out free puppies and cotton candy he couldn't get a break. So we've done the next best thing. We've rented a baby hedgehog for him to carry in his pocket. Cutest damn thing you've ever seen."

However, the tactic might not be working as planned. This morning after a Romney campaign stop in Pennsylvania, several young women lined up to have their pictures taken with the candidate and the baby hedgehog.

"Awwwww! He's so cuuuute!" said Mindy, age 19, "I want one! I'm going to name him Obama!!!"

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Nation Breathes Collective Yawn of Relief as Romney Wins 5 More

Washington, DC. Governor Mitt Romney inched closer to the inevitable Republican nomination last night with primary wins in New York, Delaware, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Pennsylvania. Pumping up the troops with a rousing victory speech, Governor Romney urged those still awake to "hold on a little longer, a better America begins tonight."

"I love America," Mr. Romney continued, "We have the right number of states. Fifty or so. America is the best country in the universe. President Obama is out of touch. America is beautiful. Our best days are just ahead of us. Right over there. See? Next to that orange thing. President Obama is in over his head. I love my wife. She's an American. I love this country and I love my wife. President Obama wants to apologize for America. You know why? He hates my wife. And America. We walk tall, because we're Americans. Or circus clowns on stilts. American clowns. The best clowns in the galaxy. I love this galaxy. It has the right number of stars. President Obama wants to apologize to the galaxy. I ran a business for 25 years. I love business. I love American business. I'm not apologizing for being severely successful. God bless America and God bless the United States."

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich has announced that he will announce that he will suspend his campaign in 6 days unless he changes his mind and doesn't announce that. Also, his books and tapes are available at 50% off, but this offer won't last forever, unless it does.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, April 23, 2012

MonsterQuest Abandons Search for Eisenhower Republicans

Washington, DC. The producers of the History Channel's hit show, MonsterQuest, have announced they will abandon their year-long search for the elusive Eisenhower Republican. While the effort is not being considered a complete waste of time and resources, the results have been less than positive.

Jeff Meldrum, Associate Professor of Anatomy and Anthropology and Adjunct Associate Professor of the Department of Anthropology at Idaho State University, and noted Bigfoot researcher, has been heading the team.

"We have had very reliable eyewitness accounts of this supposedly extinct creature for decades now," said Dr. Meldrum, "as well as some good tracks and a few somewhat blurry photos. You can see that these casts, which very closely resemble 1950's era wingtips, have very good definition. They were recovered in the D.C. area several years ago, but we have been unable to prove that they are authentic."

Some of the eyewitness accounts are quite thrilling. One Iowa resident, John Cornhole, claims to have nearly run over one with his truck.

"Ran right across the damn road! I nearly hit it, but it kept on going into the cornfield and that was the last I saw of it."

New Hampshire native, Don Treadonme, claims that one actually showed up for a town hall meeting.

"We knew it was an Eisenhower Republican immediately. It couldn't have been anything else. It grabbed the mike and said, 'Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history.' Well damn, we tried to catch it. Caleb here tried to get a picture of it, but it was out the door like a scalded cat. I never seen anything like it, and hope I never do again. Scared the hell outta me!"

The Eisenhower Republican, theoretically an ancestor of Modern Republicans, is believed to be less warlike, more liberal in its approach to social issues and not inclined to be batshit crazy.

"I think we gave it a good try," said Dr. Meldrum, "but I believe, in spite of the eyewitness accounts and trace evidence, that we are dealing with simple misidentifications. I believe that the Eisenhower Republican is definitely extinct and further efforts to locate one would prove fruitless."

Asked what he plans to do next, Dr. Meldrum replied that he was going to continue his quest to prove the existence of Bigfoot.

"I have a lot better chance of finding one of these," Meldrum said.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Romney Scores Major Coup with Manson Endorsement

Corcoran State Prison, CA. The Romney campaign is celebrating yet another celebrity endorsement today after meeting with Charles Manson at Corcoran State Prison. After the short meeting, Mr. Manson, 77, strongly endorsed Governor Romney's candidacy.

"I'm a big Second Amendment guy, you know. Governor Romney assures me that he will keep as many guns in the hands of people like me as possible. Plus, I was always a big fan of Joseph Smith. Man, could that dude start a fucking cult or what? Plus, Romney really has that killer instinct, you know. It's helter skelter, man. It's going down. You can forget the Tin Man. He sold it all to the grasshoppers. We'll be eating beets out of gold fucking cans. Carry my cross, motherfucker. Carry my cross."

Mr. Manson, who was recently denied parole for the 12th time after bragging to a prison psychologist that "I'm a very dangerous man" is of course ineligible to vote in the upcoming election, but plans to start a massive letter-writing campaign to put Romney over the top.

"You know what's really fucked up?" Mr. Manson queried, "I wanted to start a race war. All I had to do was vote Republican. Fuck me. I'm not eating that bacon, Santa. Adios muchachos."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Ann Romney, Patriot and Martyr

Ann Romney is selflessly supportive of her husband's lifelong dream of becoming president, even though it will be very tough on her. Mitt has never worked for such a small salary, and then there's having to move into a smaller home.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, April 13, 2012

Well, Shit

Asshat, AZ. Arizona Governor Jan Brewer just signed the ironically titled "Women's Health and Safety Act," a bill that establishes conception actually two weeks before conception. And you know what that means, right? Yep, you're two weeks older than you thought you were. Sorry.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Mitt Romney, Liar

It would be untruthful if I said I really understood Mormonism. I haven't made an intensive study of the religion, but after watching devout Mormon and former LDS bishop and missionary Mitt Romney, I can only conclude that one of its main tenets is to work at least one lie into every sentence one speaks.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, April 12, 2012

North Korea Still Trying to Be Very Scary, Very Sexy

Pyongyang, North Korea. North Korea just launched another missile in violation of UN resolutions and despite warnings from the United States and elsewhere. US intelligence, however, believes that the rocket fell apart harmlessly right after takeoff and was a complete and abject failure.

The launch was intended to bolster Kim Jong-un's standing with the military while simultaneously improving his dating prospects. Instead, it will likely be seen as an embarrassment and will result in the cessation of food aid for millions of starving North Koreans.

"Well, that sucked out loud," said a dispirited Kim Jong-un, "That's the last time I take Karl Rove's advice. Okay, back to Craig's List."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Hannity Under Oath?

There is some talk that due to Hannity's phone conversation with George Zimmerman, he may be called on to testify under oath. That would be interesting. It would be the first time in years that Hannity could actually be punished for lying.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Santorum Hangs Up Sweater Vest

Gettysburg, PA. Former Senator Rick Santorum has officially suspended his meteoric, grassroots campaign in light of the fact that he has a snowball's chance in hell of securing the nomination. Surrounded by his family, each sporting a charming risus sardonicus, Mr. Santorum swore to continue the fight to return America to the glory of the 18th century.

"Our campaign may be over, but I still have work to do! I will continue to fight to remove hard-won rights from the women and minorities of this country, to make members of the LGBT community objects of scorn and derision, to promote death and destruction worldwide, to slander one billion Muslims and encourage enmity towards them all, to scoff at science and higher education, to destroy unions and the middle class they built and to aid the super-wealthy in trampling the poor into the mud all with a facade of religiosity and pomposity. Thank you, and God bless the United States of America. And fuck you, Mitt Romney."

Meanwhile, the Ron Paul campaign has announced that victory is within their grasp.

"We've got them right where we want them," said campaign manager Jesse Benton,"now all we need is for Romney to drop out and we're in."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, April 9, 2012

A Hopeful Sign

So, a couple evenings ago I was holding forth from my stool at the Liar's Bar after the conversation about sports turned to politics. My friend Dennis, a blue-collar biker guy from New Jersey, has ventilated his extreme loathing of President Obama on multiple occasions, so I was left speechless by his pronouncement about the Republicans, and Mitt Romney in particular.

"There's no fucking way I'm voting for that goddamn rich fuck. Fuck him," Dennis said.

"So you're going to vote for Obama?" I asked.

"Fuck no. I'm just not voting," he replied.

I can live with that.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Defining Republican-Speak

This is the first in a continuing series intended to help the average not insane person understand the language spoken by Republicans. I hope the following definitions will be enlightening.

Bully (noun) A person who does not do exactly what you demand they do.

Liar (noun) A person who tells the truth about you.

Christian (noun) A person that uses Jesus Christ as a 2 x 4 to hit others over the head with.

Conservative (noun) A person opposed to anything that benefits the largest number of people and ironically opposes conservation as well.

Liberal (noun) A person who reminds conservatives too much about the parts of the Bible they hate.

Woman (noun) Bipedal breeding device and home appliance.

Democrat (noun) Enemy, spawn of Satan. Uses logic, facts and sometimes even morality to demonically make America better for the masses.

Entitlement (noun) Insurance you paid for that you now don't deserve.

Job (noun) Something created in a foreign country to give the natives something to do.

Tree-Hugger (noun) A person who doesn't want their child to die of an asthma attack.

Education (noun) A dangerous gateway drug that often leads to awareness and Democratic voting.

©2012 Kona Lowell