Washington, DC. With Republicans increasingly losing support of women voters over their stance on birth control and abortion, key lawmakers have proposed an amendment to their party platform to hopefully assuage the situation.
"Look, we understand that a lot of women don't like what they see as our intolerant policy on abortion, especially that 'no exceptions' part," said Sen. Roy Blunt (R-MO), "but we believe we have a happy compromise that should be acceptable to everyone, and one that we will gladly fund with taxpayer money.
"You know, most people see the Dark Ages as a time of ignorance and superstition, but the religious people of the time came up with one idea that was not only brilliant but compassionate. They called it "Doctor Squirt" and it was widely used throughout Europe on millions of women.
"Of course back then it was made of brass, but we have modernized it by manufacturing it out of non-toxic plastic."
"Senator Blunt, this looks a lot like a vaginal syringe of some sort."
"That's right, David. It is. But what makes it different is that it is filled with Holy Water."
"Yes, David. You see, since we do not allow abortion, even to save the life of the mother, this allows the priest to baptize the unborn child before both he and the mother die, guaranteeing that the child will go to heaven. It was very, very popular among the poor."
"I can imagine."
"The great thing is that the liberals can never accuse us of being uncompassionate again. I think American women will be very thankful for this caring option. And of course heaven has plenty of room."
©2012 Kona Lowell