Friday, June 26, 2015

The Republicans' Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

Washington, DC. There's an old saying about bad things coming in threes. I can only imagine that Republicans nationwide were praying for the week to be over and desperately hoping that that old saying would not need a revision. Unfortunately, their prayers caromed off a brass sky and their hopes are a smoking, fetid pile of ashes. I'm counting four.

1. Donald Trump and the thing that lives on his head enter the presidential race. As if there weren't enough unserious candidates making it tough for Jeb Bush to assume the mantle of Great White Hope and complete the Bush trifecta, here comes feces-thrower Trump, immediately flinging poop on the leading candidate, beating his chest and leaving no doubt that the circus has indeed come to town.

The RNC is in a collective cold sweat, because unless someone comes up with a Plan B very quickly, as in yesterday, nine Republican hopefuls will share a Fox News debate stage with a very mean-spirited, uncontrollable orangutan who cares about nothing but increasing his stockpile of bananas.

Yes, Jeb should make it out alive, although caked in orangutan shit. And the party itself will continue to be seen as pathetically out of touch as Trump, in the name of the GOP, will certainly manage to offend every minority in ways no one can yet even imagine. Democratic ad men are salivating.

2. The South finally loses the Civil War. I know, we thought it was over more than a century ago. But it took the tragic deaths of nine good people in a South Carolina church at the hands of a white supremacist Justin Bieber impersonator to remove the last symbol of their treasonous past. Even if Charlie Daniels is still proud he's a rebel and remains convinced that the South is gonna do it again, they will have to do it through gerrymandering, voter suppression/intimidation and quiet, structural racism sans the Confederate battle flag. This they can and will try to do, crocodile tears and professions of love for their Black fellow citizens notwithstanding. This tactic will eventually fail, and the tears will be real, as will our laughter.

3. Chief Justice John Roberts saves Obamacare. After sixty attempts to kill it and deprive millions of their fellow Americans of health care, and in thousands of cases, their lives, Republicans are now facing the utterly depressing reality that The Affordable Care Act is here to stay. What makes it particularly galling, aside from not being able to watch people suffer and die, is that they were counting on the Bush-appointed Roberts to share their callous disregard for humanity and thrust a dagger into the heart of the beast. Instead, he planted that dagger squarely in their back.

Of course this will not stop them from continuing to promise their knuckle-walking base that they will repeal it and replace it with Something a Black Guy Didn't Come Up With. This will happen when monkeys fly out of their butts. Luckily, Obamacare covers that condition.

4. Closeted Republicans can now get married anywhere in the US. Not that they will. No, they will continue to shriek and keen about the death of civilization, the persecution of Christians and predict all sorts of gory and improbable end-times destruction as they fund-raise off it and desperately try to stir up as much hatred and anger at the LGBT community as is possible. Then they will sneak off to have some hot man on man sex with Adam and Steve.

I suppose we should feel sorry for our Republican enemies. They've had a rough week. We should make some sort of gesture of good will, something to demonstrate our desire to reach across the aisle and listen to their ideas. Sending Confederate flag toilet paper would be a nice touch.

©2015 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

A White Guy's Post-Racial Do's & Dont's for Black People

As is well documented, Americans of all ethnicities are now living harmoniously in a post-racial society. But even though racism has been eliminated there are still some subtle do's and don'ts that Black people should adhere to, just to keep it that way. Here are some helpful examples:

1. Do not have a pool party. Yes, this seems obvious, since we white folks know you can't swim. In fact, it is probably a good idea not to have any kind of party as we will almost certainly object to the noise, to what you call "music," the number of people who show up, etc. But if you must go to a pool party, wear a short white jacket and carry a tray full of mimosas.

2. Do not have 19 kids. Yes, of course you love the Duggars! We all do! Who can resist a mindless breeding machine pumping out litters of future fundamentalist Republicans? They're so cute when they're little. But Fox News and the conservative Christians who champion the Duggars will simply see this as being the worst sort of copy cat behavior and will be forced to speak unkindly about you and your family. Remember, even though we're happily post-racial, demographics are still a bitch for us. Do emulate Chinese family planning, please. Remember one child = triple happy luck.

3. Do not run. Again, obvious. Unless you are in uniform carrying a football. Then please run as fast as you can. I've got 20 bucks on the game.

4. Do not get arrested. This is very, very important. Studies have shown that Black people do not do well in captivity and have a tendency to die. Avoid being arrested by staying in your house as much as possible and if you must go out in public, try to do so with at least two white friends whose fathers are police officers or district attorneys.

5. Do not open carry. I know it is tempting to go to the airport with your fully-loaded AR-15 or pal around with twenty of your Black friends dressed in paramilitary attire while armed to the teeth at your local Applebee's, but this behavior is specifically white penis-compensation therapy and mocking it would be insensitive, as well as the AR-15 would be really rubbing it in. Also, remember that many of the police who show up to arrest and/or kill you are in 24-7 white penis-compensation therapy so they will not be amused.

6. Do not be president. Even though we are a post-racial society, this is pushing the limits of good taste. It is acceptable to run for president as a Republican (after you disavow your heritage) but do not have the temerity to actually win, or even consider it. Remember, you are running to make us feel good about ourselves. After all we've done for you, it's the least you can do for us.

©2015 Kona Lowell