Monday, November 25, 2013

Obama Using Governing to Distract, Bribe

Washington, DC. As news of the multinational Iran nuclear deal broke Saturday, Republicans immediately began to cry foul and to accuse President Obama of not only selling out Israel and US weapons manufacturers, but of using diplomacy to distract from his failed presidency, or as John Cornyn (R-TX) tweeted, "Amazing what WH will do to distract attention from O-care."

Cornyn's tweet accurately sums up the GOP's growing frustration with a president and administration that they see as using the act of actually governing to distract and bribe the American public.

"We had our hearts set on a war with Iran," said John McCain (R-AZ) "The American people love war. USA! USA! USA! Now what? Football? Basketball? Americans like real action. You know, stuff that goes boom. If I can't send young men to war, what's the point of being a senator? Obama is just using this soon to fail Iran deal to distract from the fact that he beat me and to win the votes of thousands of limbless veterans. And get off my lawn."

"The whole idea of Obamacare is pure, bald (hic) faced bribery," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "It's nothing but a cynical ploy to get the votes of 45 million uninsured Americans and to (hic) distract from the fact that I don't have anything to offer them except for my well-tanned middle finger. It's not (hic) fair."

"George Bush didn't try to fool the American people by governing," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "he cut brush. If something important happened, he had the decency to go on vacation. And cut brush. President Obama is not fooling anyone by trying to enact legislation and execute foreign policy. Who does he think he is? White?"

"Benghazi," said Lindsey Graham (R-SC). "President Obama is trying to pass immigration reform to get the votes of millions of undocumented aliens and their families. Benghazi. It's a crime. If these people really wanted to be Americans, they would have had the decency to be born here. Benghazi. President Obama is forcing these people to become Americans to distract from, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yes, Benghazi."

Republicans also believe that President Obama is using wedge issues such as women's rights, marriage equality, the minimum wage, jobs legislation, taxation, as well as Social Security and Medicare, to distract the American public from the fact that they are feckless, rapacious wobblefucks and to get the votes of women, the LGBT community, underpaid workers, unemployed people, the middle class and seniors who don't want to die in a homeless shelter.

"Obama is a dictator," said Ted Cruz (R-Ontario) "and the American people will not be fooled. They don't want someone in the White House making their lives better. They want to be left alone. They want to be allowed to fend for themselves, like hunter-gatherers. And that's exactly what we plan to do."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Year of Living Dangerously Stupid

Washington, DC. With the administration bending to Republican pressure, and also that of some frightened Democrats, to allow a small percentage of the population to retain "junk" insurance policies for another year that do not meet the even the basic standards outlined by the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare, creative entrepreneurs in other industries are seizing the moment to offer substandard alternatives for dangerously stupid people.

With us today is one such visionary, Tony Z, who has brought with him a prototype automobile which he claims will sell for only $1,000. "Good morning, Tony! That is actually a very beautiful looking car. How can you possibly sell it for a thousand dollars?"

"Piece of cake. We don't put anything in it that costs money. But it'll purr like a kitten at a good 40 miles per hour. Look at that paint job. Like a fucking mirror."

"How about airbags?"

"Hey, airbags are for pussies. We eliminate all those expensive safety features. This car is for people who like to live dangerously. But look, it is environmentally friendly. It's built entirely out of recycled soda cans."

"How did it fare in the crash tests."

"Ever see an accordion? But this baby looks great in the driveway. It's a real head-turner."

"It really is quite beautiful. But I noticed you did not drive it here to the interview but have instead hauled it on a trailer."

"Do I look like Evel fucking Knievel? I'm a business man, not a daredevil."

"So how do you propose to sell a car that isn't safe to drive?"

"Hey, it's perfectly safe, as long as you don't have an accident, stop really fast or get bumped into by a shopping cart in the parking lot. Any way, we have a majority of House Republicans pulling for us. The Libertarians are a fucking lock."

"Remarkable. But how did you ever get Volvo to allow you to use their logo?"

"That doesn't say Volvo."

"Well I'll be darned! You're right! That first "o" is really a "u" and the second "o" is really an "a."!

"Yeah. Cute, huh? Goes with our slogan: For the fuck of your life."

" I think you have a winner, sir."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Complete Bullshit

As you have probably heard, CBS experienced a slight hiccup in its award-winning 60 Minutes history recently when part-time journalist and full-time Benghazi conspiracist, Lara Logan, ran a piece on that fateful incident that has since proven to be complete bullshit.

The segment, which Logan researched for an entire year (between Zumba classes and hair and nail appointments), relied solely on a supposed witness to the tragedy, one Dylan Davies, also known as Morgan Jones, Wink Guano, Limey-Z and Curveball. So enthralled by Mr. Davies' improbable tale and charming accent were the honchos at CBS, that they had one of the divisions at their own Simon & Schuster publish his yarn in a book entitled The Embassy House: The Explosive Eyewitness Account of the Libyan Embassy Siege by the Soldier Who Was There, even though he had told the FBI he was actually sorta not there. Unfortunately, even the catchy title was not enough to save the day and the whole account proved to be complete bullshit. The publisher has since pulled it from distribution, although Republicans are still convinced it is as genuine as their undying love for the middle class.

Of course this could mean only one thing, that being that Ms. Logan would be immediately terminated at CBS, as they had done when award-winning journalist and American icon Dan Rather erred in running a faultily substantiated story regarding George W. Bush being a worthless, draft-dodging alcoholic partyboy who got into the National Guard with a lot of string-pulling and then jerked off the whole time, only showing up for duty when he hadn't had too much blow. Although entirely true, it cost Rather his career. So one would expect Ms. Logan to experience an equally punitive fate for a story that was complete bullshit.

Not so. Ms. Logan did appear on 60 Minutes to say, "Oops! Tee hee. My bad!" but will continue, between blowjobs of CBS executives, to do her trademark word processing. Rumor has it she is busy on an in-depth piece detailing President Obama's legion of gay lovers, cocaine use and Kenyan-bred hatred for America and white people. Her source is apparently someone named Benn Gleck.

Which left it up to Jeff Fager, CBS News chairman and executive producer of 60 Minutes, to offer this explanation/apology:

"We at CBS are dreadfully sorry if anyone got the impression that the embassy attack and resulting deaths in Benghazi were Hillary Clinton or President Obama's fault, but we were only trying to offer Fox viewers an alternative propaganda source. From now on we will focus our attention on the failed Obamacare rollout and the impending armageddon that the implementing of this law is certain to cause. Again, the Benghazi tragedy being Hillary Clinton and President Obama's fault remains unproven. So far. Thank you."

And thank you, Mr. Fager, for revealing what the initials CBS really stand for: complete bullshit.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Monday, November 4, 2013

The Misunderstood Republicans

Washington, DC. There is a tendency among liberals, progressives and other Democrats to not only disagree with Republican policy positions, but to demonize our good friends on the other side of the aisle for stances we consider extreme, toxic or simply mean-spirited, brazenly evil when in reality Republicans are kindhearted, generous Americans who are woefully, and yes — wrongfully — misunderstood.

For example, many Democrats found fault with the Republican opposition to the repeal of DADT. Liberals demanded that gays and lesbians had every right to serve their country openly and unashamed and castigated the GOP for what was perceived to be bigoted, homophobic assholery of the highest order, when in reality the Republicans were simply expressing a near-maternal, deeply held concern that a war could tragically reduce our beloved gay population, thus depleting our stock of interior designers, hair stylists, Republican pundits and congressional aides.

The same misunderstanding has been in play throughout the health care debate. Liberals concluded that Republican opposition to millions of uninsured Americans finally having access to health care at affordable rates was due to a lack of empathy, even a spiteful, ugly shitheadedness that delights to the verge of orgasm in crushing to pink goo and bone fragments the poor and middle class. Nothing could be further from the truth. Republicans were in fact selflessly putting their careers on the line to protect the millions of insurance company employees, emergency room staffs, orphanages, bankruptcy attorneys and funeral directors who could be drastically impacted by passage of this law.

Women's rights presents yet another case of too-quick-to-judge liberals presupposing evil intent on the part of goodhearted Republicans. For example, take the equal pay for equal work issue. Democrats attribute the GOP's unwillingness to endorse this concept to an innate, small penis hostility, bordering on Ariel Castro-like misogyny, when in reality it is a result of an overwhelming love and admiration for the fair sex. See, Republicans fear that women will make so much money that they will no longer view marriage as a worthy goal, and will therefore end up as wizened, bitter, old hags, childless and unfulfilled, with nothing left but to spew their icy venom, thus becoming legions of competition for Ann Coulter and thereby upsetting the delicate balance of wobblefuckery in the universe.

The Republicans cannot get a break. Now we have millions of Democrats railing against what they assume to be more casual GOP malevolence, bold-faced cupidity and gleeful thuggery in the slashing of SNAP — commonly know as food stamps — funding. Again, we err. In reality, although late to the game, Republicans are simply joining with First Lady Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to fight childhood obesity.

I think some apologies are in order.

©2013 Kona Lowell