Obama Using Governing to Distract, Bribe

Washington, DC. As news of the multinational Iran nuclear deal broke Saturday, Republicans immediately began to cry foul and to accuse President Obama of not only selling out Israel and US weapons manufacturers, but of using diplomacy to distract from his failed presidency, or as John Cornyn (R-TX) tweeted, "Amazing what WH will do to distract attention from O-care."

Cornyn's tweet accurately sums up the GOP's growing frustration with a president and administration that they see as using the act of actually governing to distract and bribe the American public.

"We had our hearts set on a war with Iran," said John McCain (R-AZ) "The American people love war. USA! USA! USA! Now what? Football? Basketball? Americans like real action. You know, stuff that goes boom. If I can't send young men to war, what's the point of being a senator? Obama is just using this soon to fail Iran deal to distract from the fact that he beat me and to win the votes of thousands of limbless veterans. And get off my lawn."

"The whole idea of Obamacare is pure, bald (hic) faced bribery," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "It's nothing but a cynical ploy to get the votes of 45 million uninsured Americans and to (hic) distract from the fact that I don't have anything to offer them except for my well-tanned middle finger. It's not (hic) fair."

"George Bush didn't try to fool the American people by governing," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "he cut brush. If something important happened, he had the decency to go on vacation. And cut brush. President Obama is not fooling anyone by trying to enact legislation and execute foreign policy. Who does he think he is? White?"

"Benghazi," said Lindsey Graham (R-SC). "President Obama is trying to pass immigration reform to get the votes of millions of undocumented aliens and their families. Benghazi. It's a crime. If these people really wanted to be Americans, they would have had the decency to be born here. Benghazi. President Obama is forcing these people to become Americans to distract from, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yes, Benghazi."

Republicans also believe that President Obama is using wedge issues such as women's rights, marriage equality, the minimum wage, jobs legislation, taxation, as well as Social Security and Medicare, to distract the American public from the fact that they are feckless, rapacious wobblefucks and to get the votes of women, the LGBT community, underpaid workers, unemployed people, the middle class and seniors who don't want to die in a homeless shelter.

"Obama is a dictator," said Ted Cruz (R-Ontario) "and the American people will not be fooled. They don't want someone in the White House making their lives better. They want to be left alone. They want to be allowed to fend for themselves, like hunter-gatherers. And that's exactly what we plan to do."

©2013 Kona Lowell