Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Family Research Council to Rewrite Bible

Washington, DC. Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council, admitted today that it was becoming increasingly difficult to field a sinless candidate and that the only option was to remove certain sins from the Bible.

"We have a great field of candidates here. All of them are profoundly pro-war, especially as relates to any Arab or Muslim country. I think we can safely say that the entire field would be ready and willing to bomb them all into oblivion if possible. We can also say that every last one of them would work to make American Muslims second-class citizens as well.

"Further, all have the correct idea as to dealing with the nation's poor and sick, which is to blame them for their poverty and/or sickness. All have the right policy on taxation, which is to treat the wealthy as God's anointed. And all rightly see Obamacare as an insult to the Almighty.

"And of course all of our candidates believe a fertilized egg is a person, that gays should not be allowed to marry, serve in the military, adopt children or be seen as equals in our society. I think we all see Uganda as the model for a future America in this regard.

"We have just one problem: sex. It seems that it is getting more difficult to find a candidate that has been faithful to his wife or isn't a Mormon. So we propose to edit out those parts of the Bible where it talks about adultery. We will keep the bits about homosexuality, and just hope we have less Republicans with "wide stances" in the future. Of course none of this will apply to preachers or televangelists or camp counselors."

"Tony, will this make it possible for Newt to get your endorsement?"

"Exactly, John. Mr Gingrich embodies all we stand for, with the exception of his predisposition to committing adultery over and over and over again. With adultery no longer a sin, Mr Gingrich can go about his business with a clear.... what is the word I'm looking for? Oh yes, conscience."

"How about Herman Cain? Will this apply to him as well?"

"Only if he stops banging white women."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Monday, November 28, 2011

Vlad the Impaler Dead, Paper Endorses Gingrich

Concord, NH. The Manchester Union Leader, bulwark of New English conservatism, has given its endorsement to Newt Gingrich. Known in political circles as a "king-maker," the Union Leader has in the past selected John McCain, Pat Buchanan, Steve Forbes and Pete du Pont to champion the Republican message.

"Newt Gingrich is by no means the perfect candidate. But Republican primary voters too often make the mistake of preferring an unattainable ideal to the best candidate who is actually running. In this incredibly important election, that candidate is Newt Gingrich," the editorial board wrote in Sunday's edition.

"Besides, Vlad the Impaler is dead and wasn't a native-born American citizen anyway."

The Union Leader asserts that the former speaker has not only what is needed to oust President Obama, but can provide "innovative, forward-looking strategy and positive leadership."

"If there's anything we know about Mr. Gingrich, it is his ability to resurrect himself, Phoenix-like, from the ashes of his past. Here's a man who's marital infidelity is not only legendary but soars to rarified heights of hypocrisy, a man who was literally driven out of Congress for ethics violations, a man who has seemingly done nothing since but enrich himself financially by whatever means necessary, and yet he stands on the front steps of the White House, poised to lead this nation to greatness once again. That is a true conservative, a true Republican" the Union Leader added.

"Our state motto is 'Live free or die.' We are certain that Mr. Gingrich will make at least one of those options reality."

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney, who has met several times with Union Leader publisher, Joseph W. McQuaid, in hopes of receiving the much-coveted endorsement, is said to be rethinking and honing his oral sex technique.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Rush Limbaugh Eats Shit, Dies

Palm Beach, FL. The Golden Microphone was forever silenced this morning and the entertainment world stunned as veteran radio host Rush Limbaugh passed away after apparently ingesting copious amounts of feces, leaving his vast army of "Ditto-heads" leaderless and bewildered.

Details are still sketchy, but attending gastroenterologist, Kenyan-born Dr. Jomo wa Ngugu, had this to say:

"We do not know what happened to Mr. Limbaugh, but one can only surmise that if millions of people worldwide are simultaneously willing one to do something, it may have a deleterious effect on one's behavior."

Services are pending, and may be held in the Dominican Republic. Purdue Pharma, makers of OxyContin, are also bracing for a decline in stock value Monday morning when the market opens.

Meanwhile, Glenn Beck is listed in serious but stable condition at Parkland Hospital in Dallas after apparently attempting to have sexual intercourse with himself.

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

New Poll Reveals 50% of Americans Dumber Than You Thought

In a new Quinnipiac University survey released today, results show that 50% of Americans are even dumber than was previously believed possible. Asked whether the U.S. should take military action to prevent Iran’s development of a nuclear weapon, 55 percent of voters said no, while 36 percent said yes. When asked whether the U.S. should take military action if sanctions against Iran to prevent its nuclear weapons program failed, 50 percent voted for using military force. Asked whether they could find Iran on a map, 50% said yes, 22% said yes, if the countries were labeled distinctly in large letters and 28% asked if a "lifeline" would be available.

Asked whether the U.S. could afford another war, 50% said no and 50% said yes, if Obamacare was abolished, we cut foreign aid, paid down the national debt and quit giving so much money to poor people.

Asked when they first heard of Iran, 50% said during the hostage crisis in the late 70's and 50% cited Flock of Seagulls 80's hit, "I Ran."

Asked whether they personally knew any Iranians, 50% said yes and 50% asked if Greeks counted.

Asked to identify the Straits of Hormuz, 50% described it as a strategic waterway between the Gulf of Oman and the Persian Gulf while 50% said it was non-queer Iraniacs (sic).

Asked what Iran was previously known as, 50% said Persia, while 25% said Old Iran and 25% said Ayatollahville.

Asked if they feared an attack on the U.S. by Iran, 50% said no, while 50% could not answer because they were hiding under their beds.

Asked to name the president of Iran, 50% said Ahmadinejad, while 50% said "some towel head."

Asked whether they would enlist to fight in Iran, 50% said they would not be willing, while 50% said they had something on the stove.

©2011 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Gingrich Proposes Child Miners in Space

Washington, DC. In keeping with the growing consensus among conservatives that child labor laws should be repealed, and encouraged by the support for his plan that children should provide the janitorial staff for their own schools, Newt Gingrich has today made an even bolder proposal.

"I think we should start immediately to mine Jupiter's moon Europa for unobtanium with a workforce of poor and minority children. This would reduce the population of urban poor, jump-start a new industry, bring in much needed revenue and provide millions of jobs. Not to mention buttloads of unobtanium."

When asked how this would be funded, Mr Gingrich replied that the Koch brothers have been heavily investing in interplanetary travel for some time, "so there is no need to involve the bureaucracy of NASA. There is also the added bonus that regulations on Europa are lax to non-existent."

"Mr. Speaker, you are advocating sending 6 year-old children into space to do very difficult work. Don't you think that is a bit much?"

"You're completely wrong, David. You need to check your facts. By the time those that survive the journey make it to Europa, they will be 11 years old. No one is proposing that 6 year-old children mine unobtanium. This is a great opportunity to provide real, long-term careers for the nation's underprivileged children and to give the United States of America primacy in extra-planetary mining."

"What about these children's education, Mr Speaker? This is normally the age at which they would be in school."

"How much education does one need to operate a pick axe, Andrea? We'll teach them when they get there."

Elsewhere, Mitt Romney admitted to briefly touching his own genitals at age 12, but says he did not go any further.

©2011 Kona Lowell

Monday, November 21, 2011

Newt Gingrich and the Great Unwashed

Scrotumville, IA. Newt Gingrich brought the audience at the Thanksgiving Family Forum to its collective feet this past Saturday with what is soon to become one more timeless Gingrichian bon mot when referring to the Occupy Wall St. protestors, he said, "Go get a job, right after you take a bath."

While the subtlety of this statement certainly is lost on many pundits, it is clear that Mr Gingrich sees those of us not fortunate enough to be counted among the nations elite 1% as "The Great Unwashed." That he would slyly allude to a term first coined in 19th century England, one that succinctly described the rabble of the lower classes, tells us a great deal not only about Mr Gingrich but his party as well, for this era was characterized by Croesian wealth and gnawing, grotesque poverty.

Apparently, Mr Gingrich sees the connection, and shows the same disdain for the struggling working class as did Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, the playwright largely credited with coining the phrase in the 1830's. It is also evident that the Republican Party shares this view, as he is being roundly applauded by conservative pundits for making the statement.

This all makes sense when one remembers that conservatives detest unions and workplace regulations, among other liberal accomplishments that ruined and replaced the more charming elements of the Victorian Era, like children working in factories by age six, rampant disease eliminating the poor with amazing alacrity and of course debtors prisons. Republicans see the term "Dickensian" as a positive one, just as they see nothing ominous or negative in the term "Orwellian."

It also makes one thing undeniably clear: this is class warfare. When one alludes to The Great Unwashed, there can be no other intent or meaning. Mr Gingrich clearly sees those not in his peer group as beneath him, unworthy and certainly unclean. In other words, if you are not in the top 1%, you stink. And the crowd  of would-be elites in Iowa and across the nation who support him and his mainstream conservative ideas agree. So the next time you hear a Republican charging liberals, progressives and even Democrats with "class warfare," tell them that they are absolutely correct. And sorry about the smell.

©2011 Kona Lowell

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Unrecognized Brilliance of Rick Perry

Herman Cain has his 9-9-9. It's hard to imagine a more concise, easy to remember campaign slogan or one more bumpersticker-ready. It is a marketer's dream. But Governor Rick Perry has proven himself to be a man not to be underestimated.

It's short, it's to the point, it cannot be forgotten and defines him down to the soles of his $3,000 cowboy boots. It is utter brilliance. It is:


If twenty years in advertising taught me anything, it's how to spot a winner.

©2011 Kona Lowell

Gingrich Insists He's Not a Hobbyist

Washington, DC. Newt Gingrich's startling and meteoric rise in the polls has some pundits, other smart people and even GOP candidates calling foul. It seems that Mr Gingrich has demonstrated a pattern of behavior that calls into question his legitimacy and intent as a presidential candidate.

"Mr Gingrich is a political hobbyist," said Ed Rollins, campaign strategist most recently aiding Michelle Bachmann in her failed attempt to appear marginally electable. "Running for president is just something he enjoys doing. Like stamp collecting or model trains. There is no room in this important process for a hobbyist."

"Look, I like collectin' horseshoes, fossilized cow pies and those other things, what do you call them? You know, they're about his big," said Governor Rick Perry, "but this is serious business. Newt should stick with collectin' wives. This ain't no hobby."

"The country is in dire shape. A hobbyist is the last thing we need," said Mitt Romney. "Mr Gingrich should stick to incendiary book writing and film making. But I must say, his collection of Faberge eggs is first-rate."

"I am not now nor have I ever been a hobbyist," proclaimed the former speaker in his own defense. "I take both the office of the presidency and the monumental task of campaigning for it with the utmost seriousness and pomposity. Now, I need to run. I have seven book signings and a showing of Muslims in the Woodpile to attend. I'll speak more about this after I get back from a quick fact-finding trip to Aruba."

© 2011 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

GOP Picks Newt Gingrich to Lose to Obama

Washington, DC. Republican pundits, strategists and voters are in the process of deciding that Newt Gingrich is their best choice for a candidate to be soundly defeated by President Obama in 2012. While Romney is not entirely out of the picture, it appears that Gingrich's sudden rise in the polls indicates that he will be the lucky candidate chosen to fall on his own sword.

"Look, we've got squat," said The Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol. "We may as well go down in a blaze of glory. Newt is the man for the job. He even looks like the Hindenburg."

"I was really hoping it would be Herman Cain," said Ed Rollins, political strategist. "At least we would have a black guy losing to a black guy. That would make us appear almost human, to the information-challenged anyway."

"Newt is going to be simply terrific in the debates with Obama," said George Will, mercenary columnist. "He's the smartest candidate we have. He can debate any issue from either side. He knows where Libya is. When Obama beats him in 2012, we will at least not look like total ignorant shitheads."

"I was all set for Romney to lose to Obama," said Michael Steele, former RNC Chairman, "but I can go with Newt. And it's a hell of a lot better than Cain. I was not looking forward to defending a stupid black man with a history of sexual harassment against an intelligent one with a beautiful wife and kids who everyone likes. I have some pride, deeply hidden for sure, but damn, I mean Herman fucking Cain? Give a brother a break."

"I was afraid it was going to be like sending in the Washington Huskie's B team to take on the Packers at Lambeau," said Charles Krauthammer, asshole. "I have been trying to imagine Bachmann or Cain or Perry debating Obama. It would be an unprecedented slaughter of laughably biblical proportions. Romney could maybe handle it. He looks the part. Nice smile, good hair, fresh breath. But Newt is the real deal. He has the right amount of pomposity, rage, xenophobia, jingoism and simple mean-spiritedness to make a lasting impression before the GOP implodes like a dying star and is consigned to the dustbin of History. We may as well go down with our guns blazing. Not that I've ever shot a gun, but you know what I mean."

"I'm still hoping for Palin," said Rich Lowry of National Review. "I still think she was winking at me personally. Is this thing ever going to go down?"

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Monday, November 14, 2011

GOP Candidates Support Electrode/Testicle Information-Gathering

Spartanburg, SC. After Saturday night's 10th GOP debate, in which all candidates with the exception of Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul endorsed waterboarding as a means of interrogation, the remaining candidates were out in force today chiding President Obama on his curt rejection of their stance and seeking unity in their support for this and other non-deadly methods.

"Waterboarding is not torture," said pizza CEO Herman Cain. "It's not like we want to put someone on the rack and stretch them until their arms and legs pop out of their sockets. And putting electrodes on someone's testicles and hooking them up to a car battery is just electronically enhanced interrogation. It's been used for years, especially here in Georgia."

"I agree with Herman on this one," stated Governor Rick Perry. "A good jolt to the testicles will get a fella talkin'. That's why I oppose cuttin' someone's tongue out and that other thing they do. You know, that really mean one. That would be wrong. Fun, but wrong."

"Well if everyone else thinks electrodes to the testicles is okay, then so do I," said Mitt Romney, "but check back with me in about a week."

"We need a president who is not afraid to attach electrodes to the testicles of every terrorist, suspected or imagined," said suddenly skyrocketing Newt Gingrich. "President Obama is not that man. If he is re-elected, the Islamic terrorists who are taking over the entire world will think that their testicles are safe. I want them to know their testicles are in my hands."

"Can I run for that job?" asked Rick Santorum.

"I actually prefer cutting their fingers off one by one with tin snips," said Michelle Bachmann, "but electrodes on the testicles is okay. Works great on Marcus if I don't give him too much juice."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 


CBS = Craven Bull Shit

Friday, November 11, 2011


Not sure I've got this right, but it sounds like someone tied Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich together and Herman Cain is dragging them down the street. 
Wait, I stand corrected. It's just another poll. Romney and Gingrich are tied, but Cain still leads.
Damn, I liked the wrong version better.

Here Comes Newt!

Washington, DC. With Herman Cain's poll numbers and donations rising as a direct result of being an alleged serial sexual-harasser, it should come as no surprise that Newt Gingrich's numbers should begin to climb as well.

"Newt has Cain beat any way you look at it," said John Fund, editor of The American Spectator, "He's a serial adulterer, which trumps serial harasser any day."

"Mr Gingrich has shown a complete lack of anything resembling empathy for years," said The Washington Post's George Will, "Nothing appeals to the Republican faithful more than a man with zero conscience and unbridled greed. I mean, presenting your cancer-stricken wife with divorce papers in the hospital? Top that. This election is Newt's to lose."

"Newt Gingrich would love to kill every last Muslim, Arab or questionably brown-skinned sub-human on the planet," remarked Pamela Geller, anti-Islam activist, "He's got my vote! So many of these animals to kill, so little time. Plus, he really knows his jewelry."

"Newt is the most intelligent candidate we have," said Bill Kristol of The Weekly Standard, "Of course the bar has been set pretty low. Still, he can really stick it to the middle class. Most of them have no idea what he's talking about, but it sounds smart. Works every time."

"Newt Gingrich is even more loathsome than me," said Rush Limbaugh, radio personality, "And that's saying something. You want to fire up the Republican base? Then you need a man with no principles whatsoever. That's Newt. The Tea Party will eat it up with a spoon. With Romney, you suspect he might actually have a soul in there...somewhere. But with Newt, you know he will not be handicapped by that. I look forward to taking a trip to the Dominican Republic with him some day."

"I like his wife, Callista," said Rob Zombie, musician, "For obvious reasons."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Rick Perry Forgets Favorite Food

Austin, TX. Fresh off a disastrous and embarrassing debate performance Wednesday night, in which the Texas Governor could not remember which three government agencies he seeks to abolish, Rick Perry appeared on Wake Up, Texas, a local morning news show in hopes of doing damage control.

The Governor appeared a bit tired, but gamely bantered with host and former Miss Texas, Cathy Simpleton, about the weather, the Dallas Cowboys and hunting. All was going well until Ms. Simpleton asked Governor Perry what his favorite foods are.

"Enchiladas," Perry responded, "and pancakes and...what are those things, you know..."

"Bacon?" Ms. Simpleton offered.

"Yeah, bacon. No, wait. Not bacon. You know those things. They're about this big."


"No, not donuts. Shoot. My mom used to make them. Darn, just can't remember what they are. They were good, too."

"Well, how about your favorite color?"

"Blue. No wait, not blue. What's that other color? You know, it's about this big."

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney stated on CNN that it was not him that suggested we let Detroit go bankrupt, but an evil doppelganger named Ritt Momney.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

GOP Women Mourn Failure of Personhood Bill

Jackson, Mississippi. The religious right and other conservative Republicans nationwide are mourning last night's defeat of the Mississippi Personhood Bill. The bill would have conferred legal human status on an egg from the moment of fertilization. But Republican women are even more upset by this latest setback to making not only abortion, but most forms of birth control illegal.

"I can't believe this," said Betty Jo Biggett, "Now I'm going to have to choose not to have an abortion. I would much rather have someone just tell me I can't have one. I have enough to think about."

"You know what this means?" asked Billie Jo Amway, "This means even more poor minority women won't be having babies! Where are we going to get our domestics twenty years from now? China? You think I can learn Mandarin?"

"I grew up with the deeply held belief that I'm chattel, you know, a breeding machine," said Bobby Jo Bovine, "Now what? How do I tell my six pregnant daughters that a fertilized egg can't run for president? It's gonna break their hearts."

"If a fertilized egg ain't a person, then what is it?" asked Tammy Jo Idjitt, "All my kids still look exactly like fertilized eggs, except for the homely one, God bless 'im."

"The only thing we can do now is make all sex illegal," said Sally Jo Frost, "unless it's for procreation. Then you don't need birth control or abortions. If there's anything this world needs, it's more people."

"I really do want the government in my uterus," said Candy Jo Slutsky, "as long as it's white Republicans. The more the merrier."

"I've spent the better part of my life telling other people how to live theirs," said Jonny Jo Megaphone, "This sucks."

Meanwhile, Paul Braun (R-GA) is working on a bill that would declare all sperm to be registered Republicans at the precise moment of ejaculation.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Scourge of the Liberal Media

Washington, DC. It is a well known Republican fact that the media has a grossly unfair liberal bias, and that is never more obvious than in the Sunday morning news shows on the major networks. Whether it's NBC, CNN, Fox, CBS or ABC, one can be sure that the socialist agenda will be front and center, with the various hosts paying homage to their poorly concealed leftist ideologies.

Take this past Sunday for example. Here's how conservatives were given the short shrift and consigned to Liberal purgatory:

ABC's "This Week" — House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio; former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

NBC's "Meet the Press" — 2012 GOP presidential candidate Jon Huntsman; Gov. Haley Barbour, R-Miss.; former Gov. Bill Richardson, D-N.M.

CBS' "Face the Nation" — The guests are Ed Gillespie, Former Republican National Committee Chair, Ed Rollins, Former Bachmann Campaign Manager, Ken Blackwell, Perry Supporter, Liz Cheney, Republican Consultant and John Dickerson, CBS News Political Analyst.

CNN's "State of the Union" — Gov. Martin O'Malley, D-Md.; Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas; Anita Dunn, former White House communications adviser; former Rep. Tom Davis, R-Va.; Marty Durbin of the American Petroleum Institute, Sean Kennedy of the Air Transport Association and David Certner of AARP.

"Fox News Sunday" — 2012 GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul; Reps. Heath Shuler, D-N.C., and Mike Simpson, R-Idaho.

As one can clearly see, Democrats and far-left liberals/socialists/Marxists carried the day. As a real American, I resent this attempt to force the liberal agenda down our throats and long for the day when conservatives are given equal treatment by the media.

And don't even get me started on how liberals have taken over talk radio!

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Congressman Joe Walsh Wins Pro-Family Award

Despite owing his ex-wife $117,000 in child support, deadbeat dad and freshman Congressman Joe Walsh (R-IL) was honored yesterday by the Family Research Council for his unswerving devotion to family values. Said FRC President Tony Perkins, "We thank Cong. Walsh who has voted consistently to defend faith, family and freedom. Cong. Walsh and other ‘True Blue Members’ have voted to repeal Obamacare, de-fund Planned Parenthood, end government funding for abortion within the health care law, uphold the Defense of Marriage Act, and continue support for school choice. I applaud their commitment to uphold the institutions of marriage and family.”

Walsh proudly accepted the award and said, "I am glad to play a role in taking health care away from millions of Americans, assuring that thousands more women will die from preventable cancers and back-alley abortions, denying equal rights to gay Americans and weakening the public school system this country was built upon. I thank Tony Perkins and the Family Research Council for their grand apocalyptic vision and for helping to make it a reality."

Asked about his future plans, Walsh stated that he would like to run for president, but first intended to father several more children with various women and leave them to fend for themselves because nothing creates character like "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps."

Meanwhile, musician Joe Walsh, known for hit songs like "Rocky Mountain High" and "Life's Been Good to Me So Far" is going through the legal process to change his name.

"I never thought there would be anyone more fucked up than me with the same fucking name. It's fucking embarrassing."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

GOP Passes Resolution Confirming Flag

Washington, DC. After passing their resolution reaffirming "In God We Trust" as the nation's motto, congressional Republicans today passed yet another confirming the colors of the United States flag.

"It is red, white and blue," declared Rep, Tom Price (R-GA), "not cerise, ultramarine and ivory. I think all real Americans can now rest easier knowing that this has been firmly established. Our forefathers fought and died for these colors."

Asked how this related to the stated goal of job creation, Rep. Price said that job creation was the number one focus of the GOP and that President Obama was ruining job growth by being black and a Democrat.

"The American people know we are laser-focused on job creation, and we will get right back to that after we pass a resolution declaring apple pie the nation's signature dessert."

Other resolutions waiting for a vote are the Confirming Baseball Is America's Pastime and Motherhood, an American Ideal.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Explaining Things to the Cat

My cat Biscuit enjoys no better perch to observe the world from than a book. If there are a dozen other items to sit on, she will choose that. She is of the opinion that this makes her profoundly intelligent, even literate, but I explained to her that she is not able to absorb Kafka's Metamorphosis through her butt.

"It's not reading, Biscuit. It's sitting. You can't absorb literature like that."

"Absorbed as much as you did," she replied.

Gotta admit she's right.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

GOP Candidates Let the Skeletons Out

Washington, DC. In the wake of pizza magnate Herman Cain's admission that he settled a sexual harassment claim, and received $350,000 in campaign contributions immediately as a result, other financially strapped GOP candidates are revising their bios in the hopes of getting some of the much needed and limited cash.

"You know all those foster kids I raised?" a frantic Michelle Bachmann asked, "Well, we had to put a few of the cuter ones out on the street. The less attractive ones learned to work industrial sewing machines. You're probably wearing some of their work now. How's that?"

"One would think that after all the lousy things I've done I'd be rolling in cash," quipped Newt Gingrich. "I guess I'll have to run over the new one with my car or something. Geez."

"Okay, yes, I rode with the Vagos for a couple years. But they were Mormon Vagos," offered Jon Huntsman. "We didn't kill anyone, but we sure beat up a hell of a lot of citizens. Well, several anyway. I think."

"I actually had a long-term relationship with the bartender, Bruno, at a bondage club in Pittsburgh," admitted Rick Santorum. "We still keep in touch. I have his name tattooed on my butt."

"I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die," confessed Ron Paul.

Rick Perry did not offer any revisions to his background, as he is awash in funds, but did announce that he just can't help kicking small dogs. Mitt Romney, also well-funded, announced that his name really is Willard, but is actually spelled Wyllyrd.

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

GOP Launches New Campaign to Attract Women Voters

Washington, DC. Republicans have launched a campaign to increase their support among women, called We Know What's Best for You. The first new internet ads will debut next week, starring SNL alum Victoria Jackson and Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

"For decades now the Democrat Party has been pandering to women," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "American women just don't realize how they're being used. We aim to change that."

McConnell claims that Democrats have lured women to the party with equal rights, equal pay for equal work, freedom of choice on pregnancy and birth control, prenatal care, day care, maternity leave and a host of other woman-friendly initiatives.

"It's just cynical," McConnell continued, "The Democrat Party uses women's issues to attract women to the party. We are the real party of equality. We want to treat women the same way we treat all men who aren't wealthy and white: like shit."

The We Know What's Best for You campaign is the brainchild of Andrew Breitbart and Dick Morris and is being funded purely by donations and large amounts of untraceable cash.

"Believe me," said Dick Morris, "As a toe-sucking foot fetishist with a very small penis, I know what's best for women. Trust me, being barefoot and pregnant is a good thing."

© 2011 Kona Lowell 

Perry Gives Follow-up Speech

Austin, TX. After a bizarre speech last Friday in New Hampshire, that concluded with Governor Rick Perry hugging a bottle of maple syrup, many pundits and Washington wise guys have begun to rule out any hope of a "Texas Miracle" for the embattled candidate. But those who know the Governor are not so quick to count him out.

Perry spokesman Mark Miner told journalists Sunday that speculation about the Governor being drunk or on drugs was just another attempt by liberals to destroy the wildly popular juggernaut.

"He always talks like that," said Miner, "It has nothing to do with alcohol or pharmaceuticals. He's a free spirit. He was just feeling his oats. And he is well known to absolutely love maple syrup. I mean love in an erotic, pour it over body-parts sense."

So to stem the tide of apprehension among fellow Republicans, Governor Perry today addressed the Texas chapter of the NRA here in Austin. Looking healthy and fit on his red unicycle, the Governor moved with ease about the stage, using no teleprompter, alternately speaking in a high-pitched little girl voice and a deep Texas drawl.

"I have a dream," said the Governor, "but not like Martin Luther King's. In mine, I'm at the old Billy Bob's ridin' a pink mechanical armadillo, yellin' 'Yee haa' and wavin' my hat, which looks just like Carmen Miranda's, 'cept with more fruit. The audience is all female bikers and mean teddy bears holdin' giant corny dogs, and they keep yellin', 'Ride 'em, cowboy!' Suddenly, I fall off but when I try to get back on, Richard Simmons is already ridin' the armadillo and he's got my hat! So I take out a machine gun and mow everyone down. Rat-atat-tat-tat! Then Davy Crockett comes in and carries me out on his shoulders and we're in Cowboy Stadium where I catch the Hail Mary pass from Roger Staubach and God says, 'This is my beloved son. Give him a chimichanga!' Then I wake up. Happens every night."

Tomorrow Governor Perry will address the Texas Psychiatric Association and is expected to juggle live badgers while singing The Impossible Dream in Spanish.

© 2011 Kona Lowell