Washington, DC. In the wake of pizza magnate Herman Cain's admission that he settled a sexual harassment claim, and received $350,000 in campaign contributions immediately as a result, other financially strapped GOP candidates are revising their bios in the hopes of getting some of the much needed and limited cash.
"You know all those foster kids I raised?" a frantic Michelle Bachmann asked, "Well, we had to put a few of the cuter ones out on the street. The less attractive ones learned to work industrial sewing machines. You're probably wearing some of their work now. How's that?"
"One would think that after all the lousy things I've done I'd be rolling in cash," quipped Newt Gingrich. "I guess I'll have to run over the new one with my car or something. Geez."
"Okay, yes, I rode with the Vagos for a couple years. But they were Mormon Vagos," offered Jon Huntsman. "We didn't kill anyone, but we sure beat up a hell of a lot of citizens. Well, several anyway. I think."
"I actually had a long-term relationship with the bartender, Bruno, at a bondage club in Pittsburgh," admitted Rick Santorum. "We still keep in touch. I have his name tattooed on my butt."
"I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die," confessed Ron Paul.
Rick Perry did not offer any revisions to his background, as he is awash in funds, but did announce that he just can't help kicking small dogs. Mitt Romney, also well-funded, announced that his name really is Willard, but is actually spelled Wyllyrd.
© 2011 Kona Lowell