Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Gingrich Proposes Child Miners in Space

Washington, DC. In keeping with the growing consensus among conservatives that child labor laws should be repealed, and encouraged by the support for his plan that children should provide the janitorial staff for their own schools, Newt Gingrich has today made an even bolder proposal.

"I think we should start immediately to mine Jupiter's moon Europa for unobtanium with a workforce of poor and minority children. This would reduce the population of urban poor, jump-start a new industry, bring in much needed revenue and provide millions of jobs. Not to mention buttloads of unobtanium."

When asked how this would be funded, Mr Gingrich replied that the Koch brothers have been heavily investing in interplanetary travel for some time, "so there is no need to involve the bureaucracy of NASA. There is also the added bonus that regulations on Europa are lax to non-existent."

"Mr. Speaker, you are advocating sending 6 year-old children into space to do very difficult work. Don't you think that is a bit much?"

"You're completely wrong, David. You need to check your facts. By the time those that survive the journey make it to Europa, they will be 11 years old. No one is proposing that 6 year-old children mine unobtanium. This is a great opportunity to provide real, long-term careers for the nation's underprivileged children and to give the United States of America primacy in extra-planetary mining."

"What about these children's education, Mr Speaker? This is normally the age at which they would be in school."

"How much education does one need to operate a pick axe, Andrea? We'll teach them when they get there."

Elsewhere, Mitt Romney admitted to briefly touching his own genitals at age 12, but says he did not go any further.

©2011 Kona Lowell


  1. LMAO too bad is Absolute Newt - I am ordering unobtanium jewelry collection to wear at Newt inauguration.