Jackson, Mississippi. The religious right and other conservative Republicans nationwide are mourning last night's defeat of the Mississippi Personhood Bill. The bill would have conferred legal human status on an egg from the moment of fertilization. But Republican women are even more upset by this latest setback to making not only abortion, but most forms of birth control illegal.
"I can't believe this," said Betty Jo Biggett, "Now I'm going to have to choose not to have an abortion. I would much rather have someone just tell me I can't have one. I have enough to think about."
"You know what this means?" asked Billie Jo Amway, "This means even more poor minority women won't be having babies! Where are we going to get our domestics twenty years from now? China? You think I can learn Mandarin?"
"I grew up with the deeply held belief that I'm chattel, you know, a breeding machine," said Bobby Jo Bovine, "Now what? How do I tell my six pregnant daughters that a fertilized egg can't run for president? It's gonna break their hearts."
"If a fertilized egg ain't a person, then what is it?" asked Tammy Jo Idjitt, "All my kids still look exactly like fertilized eggs, except for the homely one, God bless 'im."
"The only thing we can do now is make all sex illegal," said Sally Jo Frost, "unless it's for procreation. Then you don't need birth control or abortions. If there's anything this world needs, it's more people."
"I really do want the government in my uterus," said Candy Jo Slutsky, "as long as it's white Republicans. The more the merrier."
"I've spent the better part of my life telling other people how to live theirs," said Jonny Jo Megaphone, "This sucks."
Meanwhile, Paul Braun (R-GA) is working on a bill that would declare all sperm to be registered Republicans at the precise moment of ejaculation.
© 2011 Kona Lowell