Washington, DC. With Herman Cain's poll numbers and donations rising as a direct result of being an alleged serial sexual-harasser, it should come as no surprise that Newt Gingrich's numbers should begin to climb as well.
"Newt has Cain beat any way you look at it," said John Fund, editor of The American Spectator, "He's a serial adulterer, which trumps serial harasser any day."
"Mr Gingrich has shown a complete lack of anything resembling empathy for years," said The Washington Post's George Will, "Nothing appeals to the Republican faithful more than a man with zero conscience and unbridled greed. I mean, presenting your cancer-stricken wife with divorce papers in the hospital? Top that. This election is Newt's to lose."
"Newt Gingrich would love to kill every last Muslim, Arab or questionably brown-skinned sub-human on the planet," remarked Pamela Geller, anti-Islam activist, "He's got my vote! So many of these animals to kill, so little time. Plus, he really knows his jewelry."
"Newt is the most intelligent candidate we have," said Bill Kristol of The Weekly Standard, "Of course the bar has been set pretty low. Still, he can really stick it to the middle class. Most of them have no idea what he's talking about, but it sounds smart. Works every time."
"Newt Gingrich is even more loathsome than me," said Rush Limbaugh, radio personality, "And that's saying something. You want to fire up the Republican base? Then you need a man with no principles whatsoever. That's Newt. The Tea Party will eat it up with a spoon. With Romney, you suspect he might actually have a soul in there...somewhere. But with Newt, you know he will not be handicapped by that. I look forward to taking a trip to the Dominican Republic with him some day."
"I like his wife, Callista," said Rob Zombie, musician, "For obvious reasons."
© 2011 Kona Lowell