Friday, August 31, 2012

A Little Unsolicited Advice for the Romney Campaign

Whoever the special effects wizard was that made Romney and Ryan up to resemble kewpie dolls for the RNC, next time, go a bit lighter on the blush. Second, get Romney voice lessons. His plaintive, whiny, keening delivery is not helped by the habit of dropping the pitch at the end of every sentence. It gives the distinct impression that he is boring himself as well. He also needs to learn to speak in a lower register, like, oh I don't know, Obama maybe? It sounds like his magic underwear is too constricting. Finally, teach him a new facial expression. The old one — or rather the only one — used to express dismay, happiness, anger, earnestness or any other emotion in the human experience, is unconvincing if the point is to not appear to be a soulless automaton that spits out lies and gives not a fuck.

You're welcome.

©2012 Kona Lowell

The Man with No Brain

Tampa, FL. Last night legendary actor/director Clint Eastwood chose to end a half-century, mostly-brilliant career by stumbling and bumbling his way through a nasty and poorly rendered take-down of President Obama in front of millions of astonished TV viewers instead of just shooting himself in the head.

"I thought it came off pretty well," the grizzled actor said. "I played The Man with No Name in several spaghetti westerns and this time I thought I'd give The Man with No Brain a shot. Hey, can you get some kind of award for these things? I've got a bare spot on my mantelpiece."

The cringe-inducing fiasco, already being fashioned into a one-man play by Sam Shepard (Man with Empty Head Talks to Empty Chair), is the talk of all Hollywood and the social media.

"Good God, I thought my career was over for being a full-on, bigoted Republican wobblefuck," said Jon Voight, has-been, "but Clint just made me look like a voice of reason. I'm calling Kelsey Grammer right now. Maybe he can get me a guest on The Boss. If not, there's still Dancing with the Stars, if these new hips hold up."

Meanwhile, the Obama administration has finally managed to stop laughing.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, August 30, 2012


Wobblefuck: An ignorant, lying, ineffectual conservative. I know, redundant. You heard it here first. Just sayin'.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Note to Teabaggers

The word "deficit" has nothing to do with using an actual sit-down toilet. You're welcome.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, August 24, 2012

GOP Woos Women Voters with "Dr. Squirt" Amendment

Washington, DC. With Republicans increasingly losing support of women voters over their stance on birth control and abortion, key lawmakers have proposed an amendment to their party platform to hopefully assuage the situation.

"Look, we understand that a lot of women don't like what they see as our intolerant policy on abortion, especially that 'no exceptions' part," said Sen. Roy Blunt (R-MO), "but we believe we have a happy compromise that should be acceptable to everyone, and one that we will gladly fund with taxpayer money.

"You know, most people see the Dark Ages as a time of ignorance and superstition, but the religious people of the time came up with one idea that was not only brilliant but compassionate. They called it "Doctor Squirt" and it was widely used throughout Europe on millions of women.

"Of course back then it was made of brass, but we have modernized it by manufacturing it out of non-toxic plastic."

"Senator Blunt, this looks a lot like a vaginal syringe of some sort."

"That's right, David. It is. But what makes it different is that it is filled with Holy Water."

"Holy Water?"

"Yes, David. You see, since we do not allow abortion, even to save the life of the mother, this allows the priest to baptize the unborn child before both he and the mother die, guaranteeing that the child will go to heaven. It was very, very popular among the poor."

"I can imagine."

"The great thing is that the liberals can never accuse us of being uncompassionate again. I think American women will be very thankful for this caring option. And of course heaven has plenty of room."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, August 20, 2012


Finally came up with a new word for people like Hank Williams, Jr., Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and all the rest of the conservatives who hate, hate, hate Obama and think that supporting a party that will destroy most of us is patriotic. It is "hatriot." Rhymes with "patriot." You're welcome.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Bold and Smart

I want to be "bold" and "smart" like Paul Ryan. So I just threw my 86 year old dad out of his house, kicked a beggar in the face, loosened the bolts on the wheelchairs up at the hospital, told a Mexican to go home and replaced a woman's birth control pills with aspirin. Whew! What a day.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Romney Explains Paul Ryan Pick

Washington, DC. Mitt Romney appeared on Fox & Friends this morning to bask in the the warm after-glow of his vice-presidential pick, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.

"Wow, now we have two underwear models on the same ticket!" Gretchen Carlson chirped. "As a Republican woman, I can tell you this is the closest I've been to being sexually satisfied since I gave up horseback riding!"

"This is a can't-lose ticket, Governor Romney! It's like we got Palin, but without the PMS!" Brian Kilmeade intoned.

"I for one am just happy to be a real American," said a choked-up Steve Doocy, "This gives hope to bland, angry white guys with small penises everywhere."

"Well, I'm glad you all approve. It was a really tough choice," Mr. Romney said.

"So why not Pawlenty or Portman or even Rubio, Governor?"

"Well, they are all fine men, Steve, but having Paul on the ticket says something loudly and clearly to the people of this country."

"And that is?"

"Fuck you."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, August 10, 2012

Romney Proposes Truce with Foreign, Anti-American Obama

Washington, DC. In a recent interview with MSNBC's Chuck Todd, presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney proposed something of a truce with his opponent, President Obama.

"Our campaign would be — helped immensely if we had an agreement between both campaigns that we were only going to talk about issues and that attacks based upon — business or family or taxes or things of that nature.

“We only talk about issues. And we can talk about the differences between our positions and our opponent’s position,” Romney said. “Our ads haven’t gone after the president personally. … We haven’t dredged up the old stuff that people talked about last time around. We haven’t gone after the personal things.”

"But what if President Obama doesn't agree to those terms, Governor?"

"Well, Chuck, one would hope that Mr. Obama's Kenyan upbringing and Muslim faith would forbid him from engaging in those sorts of attacks. The fact that he doesn't understand America shouldn't prevent him from taking the high road. He's been high lots of times."

"But if taxes and family and business experience are off limits, what can he talk about?"

"He can talk about how he's made the economy worse, how he apologizes for America, how he is waging a war on religion, how he is taking work out of welfare and how he despises business."

"Can he ask how your Mormon faith guides your decisions and actions?"

"That would be hitting below the belt, Chuck. I think even his pastor, the anti-American communist Jeremiah Wright, would agree with that."

"Thank you, Governor."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Romney Wows GOP Faithful with World-Class Lying Ability

Washington, DC. It took some time, but Republicans are now all on board for their presumptive candidate, Mitt Romney. It was not the policies, the oratory skill, the debonaire demeanor, the lack of empathy, the grinning evil or the gray around the temples that won them over. It was the innate, some would even say magical, ability to lie repeatedly with a straight face while feigning smug religiosity.

Mr. Romney first made Republicans swoon with his initial ad, wherein he cleverly used President Obama quoting John McCain's remark from the 2008 election, "If we talk about the economy, we'll lose," and made it appear as if Mr. Obama were talking about himself. He followed this up with a constant refrain at every stop on how Obama was going around the globe apologizing for America. This was paired with yet another falsehood, that the President had made the economy worse.

But Mr. Romney was just getting warmed up. His next major ad campaign featured yet another brilliant misquote, "You didn't build that!" which was used to make Obama appear to be talking about building businesses as opposed to infrastructure. Republicans were pinching themselves to see if they were dreaming.

And now we have maybe one of the best deceptive ads of all time, wherein the Romney campaign claims that Obama is removing all work requirements from welfare, while in fact the opposite is true. When this ad first ran, 90% of Republican viewers had simultaneous orgasms. And the ad does not even have a single image of Sarah Palin in it.

"I'm impressed," says Dick "Musket" Little, Fox viewer, Tea Party member and conservative Christian, "We didn't know Romney had it in him. I mean, we knew he could lie. He's a Republican. But this is Olympic-quality lying. And now he's even got the race card going. Damn, I can't even watch TV without a pocketful of Kleenex. I feel like a kid again. Oh shit. Excuse me."

©2012 Kona Lowell