Thursday, February 26, 2015

Obama, the Un-American President

Washington, DC. Aside from weathering a paralyzing snow storm, representatives in our nation's capitol have been battling a whirling shit storm, thanks to statements made by former New York City mayor, Rudy Giuliani. The remarks, delivered at a fundraising event for dead fish impersonator and Koch brothers' favorite sex toy, Wisconsin's Governor Scott Walker, hinted that President Obama may be just a tad lukewarm in his affection for the country he leads. Said the former mayor:

“I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the president loves America. He doesn’t love you. And he doesn’t love me. He wasn’t brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up through love of this country.”

Okay, that's more than a hint. But Giuliani, who has descended from "America's Mayor" to America's crazy fucking racist uncle banging on the attic floor, was not done. Holding forth at Fox News, the convicted leg-breaker's son doubled and tripled down on his belief that President Obama basically hates everything America stands for. So there.

What brought this all about, of course, is Obama's ongoing refusal to call ISIS thugs and other terrorists of Muslim origin "Islamic terrorists." The President holds that this appellation (preferred by anti-Islam bigots, Islamophobes and harpies named Pam Geller by a margin of 10 to 1) gives these criminals legitimacy they do not warrant. It is for precisely the same reason the president does not refer to Republicans as "treasonous, reality-denying shitheads." It's more than they deserve.

But as much as we effete liberals would like to deny it, the increasingly irrelevant former mobster's son does have a point: Barack Obama was not brought up in a stereotypical Italian crime family and is stunningly, undeniably not white.

President Obama demonstrates this by regularly appearing in public as a Black man. He showed his sneering disdain for white women everywhere by marrying one Michelle Robinson and shortly thereafter producing two chocolate-toned children that will never be mistaken for Italians. He displays an elitist contempt for NASCAR and is unable to distinguish Dale Earnhardt, Jr. from Jimmie Johnson, and further, could not give a fuck. He would instead prefer to watch tall Black, athletic men fly through the air and slam basket balls than watch white guys drive around in a circle. He doesn't bowl. His iPod is tellingly bare of country music and he never starts a speech with, "Like Charlie Daniels says...." Even worse, he vacations in the communist state of Hawaii instead of Branson, Missouri. He refuses to man-up and be a Real American by slaughtering God's creatures for sport and idle amusement while shit-faced drunk. He doesn't go 4-wheeling, preferring to preserve Nature as opposed to digging tire tracks into her. And most damningly obvious of all, he seems to prefer ending and preventing wars than starting them for no fucking reason.

Rudy Giuliani is right. Barack H. Obama is no George W. Bush. And for that, we can all be grateful.

Next week, Obama hates Israel because he refuses to convert from Islam to Judaism.

©2015 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Vaccinating Evil

Bethesda, Maryland. Today the culmination of years of rigorous research was unveiled here at the National Institute of Health. The groundbreaking discovery has the potential to change the world and was announced by Dr. Fritz Friedenlieben, the chair of the project.

"After many years of hard work, we have finally isolated the virus that causes people to be irredeemably nasty. Tests have shown that the vaccine works with very few side affects and will prevent children from developing hatred, greed and intolerance. We are now ready to proceed to clinical trials."

"Dr. Friedenlieben, what are these side affects to the HGI vaccine?"

"There has been some very slight soreness at the site of injection, but the most pronounced side affects are feelings of love, generosity and the desire to get along with other people. We suggest children receive the vaccine by the age of four or five."

President Obama reacted to the news this morning.

"This is a landmark discovery. I am hoping that if the clinical trials are successful all parents will have their children vaccinated against this debilitating disease."

However, Republicans greeted the news with skepticism and some with outright hostility. Senator Rand Paul had this to say:

"While as a not board-certified ophthalmologist I applaud Dr. Friedenlieben's research on the HGI vaccine, as a Libertarian I believe it is the child's owners, the parents, who have the constitutional right to decide if their kids grow up to be hateful, greedy bigots or not."

Congressman Louis Gohmert of Texas was less accommodating:

"This country was built on hatred, greed and intolerance! Dr. Frankenburger's vaccine is just plain un-American! And hell, there wouldn't be anyone left to vote for us!"

The NIH says clinical trials will begin shortly and that the rats injected with the HGI vaccine seem to be enjoying sharing their food and giving each other back rubs.

©2015 Kona Lowell