Monday, June 24, 2013

The Boehner Legacy: A Crying Shame

The Washington pundits are in a collective lather over not whether immigration reform will be passed but as to whether Speaker John Boehner will hang on to his job and finally leave the position with his legacy intact. While that's more enjoyable to speculate on than whether 11,000,000 people living and working here will finally have some means of legitimizing their existence, it entirely misses the point: Boehner's legacy is going to suck out loud regardless.

Recent polling shows Americans' approval of Congress at a record low of 6%. This means that most of us look more favorably on acquiring a variety of embarrassing and uncomfortable STD's than the job these people are doing. And the bulk of the anger is directed not at Democrats, but at John Boehner's fractured, ideologically-driven clown car of a caucus.

As you might recall, John Boehner began his speakership with a rousing, gin-soaked cry of, "Mr. President, where are the jobs (hic)?" after which he did exactly nothing about getting any meaningful jobs legislation passed, but did watch with grim delight as his fellow travelers in the Senate filibustered the American Jobs Act.

So to look busy, he presided over 37 meaningless attempts to repeal Obamacare, a masturbatory Tea Party fantasy which delighted these ersatz fiscal conservatives, but cost taxpayers 55 million bucks.

Of course Boehner has to do things like this (and waging a non-stop blitzkrieg on women's reproductive rights and equality) because people in his own party, especially the ones named after an American historical event they know absolutely nothing about, hate his fucking guts. If he does anything that makes Obama and the Democrats look like they are helping their fellow Americans, he's finished as speaker.

Yes, the Tea Party gets their jollies by thwarting all legislation Boehner tries to pass, as was evident in the recent Farm Bill debacle, and will be in their rejection of any meaningful immigration reform. Apparently, this is as close to actually tea-bagging Mr. Boehner as they can get, what with the decorum expected in the House. Yes, they are dolefully resigned to simply feeding him his own balls.

And now, Mr. Boehner is even hearing rumblings from moderates in his own party. So the Grim Weeper faces an unenviable decision: he can pass meaningful legislation that will benefit the country and lose his job, or he can do the bidding of the Tea Party racists, misogynists and morons, keep his job, and send the Republican Party into oblivion for years to come.

One would suppose this would be an easy choice for a man with a broken moral compass and the backbone of an inebriated night crawler, but it isn't. But whatever his choice, here's to John Boehner limping off the stage with his tail between his legacy.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Monday, June 17, 2013

Whatever You Do, Don't Mention Rape

Washington, DC. Since losing the women's vote to Obama by 18 points in 2012, Republicans have been focused on avoiding a repeat of that historic and embarrassing thrashing. Much of the blame went to two candidates, Todd Akin (R-MO) and Richard Mourdock (R-IN), both of which made statements regarding rape which women found not only ignorant, but insulting. Akin it will be remembered suggested that a woman's body can shut a pregnancy down if she is raped and Mourdock opined that a rape was God's plan. Both candidates lost.

Enter Trent Franks (R-AZ) who only last week stated that very few pregnancies result from rape. This did not go over well with a majority of women, people who had taken high school biology or rapists seeking visitation rights.

Therefore, to assure that nothing like this would happen again, Speaker John Boehner held an impromptu meeting for male House Republicans with Frank Luntz, political consultant, pollster, and Republican Party strategist.

"Gentlemen, I think you know why we're here," Mr. Luntz began, "We cannot be a viable national party if we keep shooting our own fucking heads off. So let me make one thing crystal clear: whatever you do, don't mention rape."

"Not even if it comes up in the conversation?" asked Paul Broun (R-GA).

"You think it's going to just come up in a conversation, you ignorant dick?" Mr. Luntz replied. "I don't know what sort of conversations you have, but mine are hardly ever about rape. Just don't say that word. Got it?"

"But we can say it if we're talking to men, right?" asked Joe Barton (R-TX).

"No, you stupid wobblefuck. Don't say the R word!"

"What if we just whisper it?" asked Joe Wilson (R-SC).

"That would be a no, Joe. Anyone have a gun I can borrow for a minute?"

"So we should only say it sometimes," said Steve King (R-IA)

"No. No, no, no. Just don't mention that word. Jesus! This isn't that hard to understand. Now Congressman Sessions, the National Organization for Women is waiting for you to address them in Ballroom D. I'm going to drink an entire bottle of vodka and slit my wrists."

"Members, we are honored to have Texas Congressman Pete Sessions here with us today. Let's give him a big NOW welcome," said Terry O'Neill, NOW president.

"Thank you Ms. O'Neill. I'm very rape to be here. Oh fuck." 

©2013 Kona Lowell

Monday, June 10, 2013

Fox News and the Stupid Factor

Over the past decade, several studies have shown that regular viewers of Fox News are more likely than viewers of other networks to hold erroneous beliefs. Whether the issue is the Iraq War, climate change, healthcare or even something as mundane as election polling, a vast majority of the Fox audience holds fast to easily refuted opinions.

For a quick and representative example, it was found in the 2003 PIPA study that 80% of Fox viewers held at least one of three misperceptions regarding the Iraq War: that WMD were found, that Saddam Hussein was in league with Al Qaeda and that he was involved in the 9-11 attack, none of which were true.

And in a study conducted by Fairleigh Dickinson University in Madison, New Jersey it was revealed that Fox viewers actually are worse informed than those who watch no news whatsoever. That would include dogs.

This prompts the question: Do people watch Fox because they're stupid, or does watching Fox make people stupid? Studies now underway suggest that it may be both.

It is well understood that many Fox viewers tune in to have their personal (and incorrect) beliefs upheld by someone wearing a suit and possessing a full complement of teeth. It is also well known that Fox has a history of catering to these viewers by altering quotes, video, photographs and facts. There are whole organizations and websites devoted to nothing but chronicling these regular journalistic lapses.

"I watch Fox cuz it's the station our sweet Lord Jesus watches," said one survey participant, William "Corny" Buttpflug of Sumpter's Neep, South Carolina. "Them fellas is the only ones who tell the damn truth about that there goddamn Kenyan Muslin we got in the White House. I seen the black helicopters. They ain't gonna make me marry up with any a my boy cousins. And, I like all them honey-haired gals with the short dresses, too. Yes sir!"

This was a consistent response from those who regularly watch Fox News. But what about those who never watch it? How would constant viewing affect them? To determine this, people who watch other networks were chosen to watch Fox for twelve hours per day for one week.

"I am delighted and honored to participate in this important scientific study," said PBS viewer, Dr. Alfred Harbinger, NASA physicist, "It does interfere with my studies, but a wise man once said that a change of work is the best vacation."

A week later, all participants were interviewed and tested to see if watching Fox had any affect on their objectivity. A majority now felt that climate change was great (more beaches), that George Zimmerman should be next to Reagan on Mt. Rushmore and that the Republicans had created ten hundred thousand million jobs since January.

"Dr. Harbinger, are you ready to get back to NASA and resume your work?"

"NASA? Hell no! I'm a headin' to NASCAR! Yeee-haaaa!"

©2013 Kona Lowell   

Saturday, June 8, 2013


Issametrics: Pushing against an immovable object for no particular reason; an exercise in futility.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Bachmann Legacy

Washington, DC. With the surprise announcement that Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) will be retiring after her current term expires, pundits, Tea Party members and comedians have been deeply concerned that there would be no one left to bring the guano with the same elan and predictability.

Of course the Republican Party has an embarrassment of riches in this area when it comes to their male representatives in both Houses, with people like Louis Gohmert, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, Rand Paul and, well just about all of them. But there is something special about a woman representative ventilating a hysterically unhinged point of view on the national stage over and over and over.

Do not fear. Ready to enter the breach and don the mantle Ms. Bachmann unceremoniously dropped is Tennessee Representative Marsha Blackburn. With the visage and personality of a demon-possessed kewpie doll, the complete lack of anything resembling morals and an apparently life-threatening allergy to the truth, Blackburn is more than capable of delivering the full-Bachmann.

Evidence of this surfaced only this week, when Ms. Blackburn, appearing on Meet the Press, chided former White House advisor David Axelrod for having the temerity to suggest that women need a law assuring them of equal pay for equal work.

"They don’t want the decisions made in Washington. They want to be able to have the power and the control and the ability to make those decisions for themselves" the Congresswoman stated with certainty.

And this is not mere theater. Ms. Blackburn stands by her principles, as she proved when she voted against the Lily Ledbetter Act.

Of course this is just one issue. On abortion, gay rights, gun control, healthcare, energy, the economy, etc., Marsha Blackburn will keep the Bachmann legacy alive by ignoring the facts, reaching new heights of hyperbole and stoking the fears of the dangerously benighted and ill-informed.

So Americans can stop fretting that politics as a frighteningly deranged absurdist theater is at an end. It is not. Michele Bachmann's legacy will live on. We have Eisenhower Republicans, Goldwater Republicans and Reagan Republicans. Some day, in institutions for the criminally insane all over this great land, people will be referring to themselves as Bachmann Republicans. And if Marsha Blackburn has her way, Blackburn Republicans.

©2013 Kona Lowell