Monday, June 17, 2013

Whatever You Do, Don't Mention Rape

Washington, DC. Since losing the women's vote to Obama by 18 points in 2012, Republicans have been focused on avoiding a repeat of that historic and embarrassing thrashing. Much of the blame went to two candidates, Todd Akin (R-MO) and Richard Mourdock (R-IN), both of which made statements regarding rape which women found not only ignorant, but insulting. Akin it will be remembered suggested that a woman's body can shut a pregnancy down if she is raped and Mourdock opined that a rape was God's plan. Both candidates lost.

Enter Trent Franks (R-AZ) who only last week stated that very few pregnancies result from rape. This did not go over well with a majority of women, people who had taken high school biology or rapists seeking visitation rights.

Therefore, to assure that nothing like this would happen again, Speaker John Boehner held an impromptu meeting for male House Republicans with Frank Luntz, political consultant, pollster, and Republican Party strategist.

"Gentlemen, I think you know why we're here," Mr. Luntz began, "We cannot be a viable national party if we keep shooting our own fucking heads off. So let me make one thing crystal clear: whatever you do, don't mention rape."

"Not even if it comes up in the conversation?" asked Paul Broun (R-GA).

"You think it's going to just come up in a conversation, you ignorant dick?" Mr. Luntz replied. "I don't know what sort of conversations you have, but mine are hardly ever about rape. Just don't say that word. Got it?"

"But we can say it if we're talking to men, right?" asked Joe Barton (R-TX).

"No, you stupid wobblefuck. Don't say the R word!"

"What if we just whisper it?" asked Joe Wilson (R-SC).

"That would be a no, Joe. Anyone have a gun I can borrow for a minute?"

"So we should only say it sometimes," said Steve King (R-IA)

"No. No, no, no. Just don't mention that word. Jesus! This isn't that hard to understand. Now Congressman Sessions, the National Organization for Women is waiting for you to address them in Ballroom D. I'm going to drink an entire bottle of vodka and slit my wrists."

"Members, we are honored to have Texas Congressman Pete Sessions here with us today. Let's give him a big NOW welcome," said Terry O'Neill, NOW president.

"Thank you Ms. O'Neill. I'm very rape to be here. Oh fuck." 

©2013 Kona Lowell


  1. Today it is almost impossible to determine if today's news is satire or truth....Even the Onion is suffering when it's satire is not as satirical as the truth.

  2. I know! But the GOP still manages to give me material.