Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Tough-Talking Romney Flexes Military Muscles

Jerusalem. Presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney delivered a stern warning to Iran in a rousing speech today in Jerusalem, much to the delight of Israel's right-wing government and neoconservatives in the US, many of which advise the candidate on a professional level. While the former governor said that he hoped economic strategies and diplomacy would deter Iran from gaining nuclear equality, he reiterated that he would support “any and all measures” to prevent this and that “no option should be excluded.”

“It is sometimes said that those who are the most committed to stopping the Iranian regime from securing nuclear weapons are reckless and provocative and inviting war,” Governor Romney said. “The opposite is true. We are the true peacemakers. History teaches with force and clarity that when the world's most despotic regimes secure the world's most destructive weapons, peace often gives way to oppression, to violence, or to devastating war."

After the applause died down, Mr. Romney continued, "So tomorrow my five sons and I will be taking an entirely new direction. All of them will forgo their present careers and enlist at once in the military in hopes of leading our troops into battle on the fields of Iran. I will personally be abandoning my presidential campaign, converting to Judaism and moving here to Israel where I will use my vast wealth to construct new military hospitals and personally share in whatever tragedies befall the region."

Stunned silence.

"Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Me and the boys stand to make a buttload off this!"

©2012 Kona Lowell

Friday, July 27, 2012

Romney Submits Preemptive Apologies to Poland, Israel

London, England. The Romney campaign is furiously scrambling to avert yet another foreign policy disaster by sending apologies to Poland and Israel before he arrives.

"It seemed like the best thing to do," said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "since Governor Romney will not be on the teleprompter and will often be forced to take a stab at behaving like an actual human."

The presumptive Republican nominee committed several gaffs upon arriving in London, but did apologize for asking if dentistry was still illegal in Britain, how they managed to remove all flavor from their food and for mistaking the Queen for a member of the Monty Python troupe.

"I loved Braveheart!" he said, to assembled media. "I love being able to disembowel people."

The campaign is hoping to make it back to the US with a minimum of embarrassment in the two remaining countries.

"It's going to be close," Rhoades said, "but I think we've convinced the governor that the joke about Polish women wearing one sock would be best left out and that those things are called "yarmulkes," not beanies and that they never have propellers on them."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Smoking Something

Tuesday morning on Fox News, Republican surrogate John Sununu offered this opinion of President Obama, "This guy doesn’t understand how to create jobs. So there is no surprise — there should be because of that statement no surprise on why he failed so miserably over the last four years, in terms of job creation. He has no idea how the American system functions, and we shouldn’t be surprised about that, because he spent his early years in Hawaii smoking something, spent the next set of years in Indonesia, another set of years in Indonesia, and, frankly, when he came to the U.S. he worked as a community organizer, which is a socialized structure, and then got into politics in Chicago."

While Obama has already detailed his brief experimentation as a teenager with drugs and alcohol in his biography, and while all of Mr. Sununu's assertions as to the president's efforts and understanding of American economics can be debated, one thing remains clear: if Mitt Romney had spent his early years in Hawaii smoking something he would likely not be the arrogant, smarmy, soulless dick he is.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Monday, July 16, 2012

Romney's Ace in the Hole

Washington, DC. With a chorus comprised of Democrats, pundits and even many very prominent Republicans calling on candidate Mitt Romney to release more of his tax returns, the Romney campaign is hunkering down, hoping the bombardment will soon be over.

This latest salvo comes on the heels of a non-stop Bain blitz that has the GOP candidate seeing his poll numbers decline in key battleground states.

However, the Obama campaign shows no signs of easing the barrage of negative ads or forgoing raising questions about Mr. Romney's unreleased tax documents. This strategy has the presumptive presidential nominee fending off attacks from all sides, and has deprived him of the opportunity to take the offensive.

"We are hoping this will all blow over," said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "and we will once again be able to resume our normal obfuscation, calumniation, aspersions and fantastic hyperbole. But in the meantime, we are saving our ace in the hole for November."

"And what would that be, sir?"

"Mitt Romney is still not Black."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Betty Reacts to Romney's New Ad

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Romney Becomes Mexican to Woo Latino Vote

Washington, DC. With Latinos now the fastest growing demographic in the United States, comprising 16% of the population (and polling heavily for President Obama) Republican candidate Mitt Romney was faced with the very real possibility that his campaign was a losing proposition — until now.

Campaign manager Matt Rhoades announced this morning that Governor Romney would now be fully embracing his Mexican roots.

"Hola. Gobernador Rrrrrromney's padre was born in Mexico, as you all know, so from now on we will be celebrating that fact by letting Senor Rrrrrromney be who he truly is — a proud Mexican. Gracias."

Mr. Romney looked stylish as he entered his bus wearing a black and gold sombrero, boots and greca suit as his mariachi band belted out the sonorous rhythms of La Cucaracha.

"Adios, mi amigos! Arriba! Arriba! Ándale! Ándale!" he shouted, as the doors closed.

Mr Rhoades informed the press that Mr. Romney's advisor on all things Latino is their gardener, Manuel, who has assured them that these steps are absolutely guaranteed to win the Hispanic vote.

"It's amazing how helpful Manuel has been, especially after being fired after all those years of service."

Mr. Rhoades, attired in bandido garb with a black sombrero and dual ammunition belts, was detained momentarily for not having a press badge, but informed security who he was and that he didn't "need no stinkin' badges."

©2012 Kona Lowell