Monday, July 29, 2013

The Death of White Culture

Radio hosts, Republicans, White Nationalists and Civil War reenactors nationwide are lamenting the looming death of white culture in what is quickly becoming a diluted, dangerous, multicultural America, and rightly so. This is no longer the country I grew up in, where a concerned citizen could shoot an unarmed, teenaged, Black potential burglar and go about his merry way. No, today that defender of white privilege might be eventually arrested, hauled into court, and then sent upon his merry way.

But there are other signs that white culture, the very definition of what makes America great, is virtually on life support.

For example, when I was a kid, we watched Lawrence Welk, the epitome of white music and culture. The entire show was so white that watching it could give one snow blindness, so mom made us sit at least two feet away from the TV. We thrilled to the whitest of dances, the polka. My whole family sat there, eyes glazed, tapping our feet spasmodically to what we assumed to be "rhythm." But before long, our heavenly Lennon Sisters (no relation to John Lennon) were replaced by the very Black Supremes and our beloved Myron Floren, the Happy Norwegian and undisputed king of polka accordion, gave way to Jimi Hendrix. Now one can hardly turn on the TV without hearing a Black person caterwauling, and even worse, white people trying to emulate it, however badly.

Of course square dancing, a dance that like the polka is reserved entirely for the dignity of the white race, was also replaced at this time with jungle dances like The Watusi, The Frug, The Monkey and The Twist. Warnings were issued by the clergy and other concerned citizens, but no one listened.

But maybe nothing so clearly reveals the death of white culture as does the changing cuisine of our country. Drive through cities throughout America and one will see Thai, Mexican, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese — even Middle Eastern restaurants, even though it's a well know fact that eating food made by Arabs makes one prone to changing one's name to Akeem, thinking that sharia law might be really good for Oklahoma and, worse, that maybe we shouldn't kill people that make such delicious food.

I won't even go into soul food, as I can't type and cry simultaneously.

Culture is defined by its food and its language. Try to go have a nice boiled chicken dinner. Go ahead. Try. And try to order it in English. You'll get Ethiopian chicken with Thai rice and tabouleh served with an accent. And when you complain about that not being boiled chicken, the waiter won't be pretending when he acts like he doesn't understand English, because he doesn't.

Yes, white culture is dying. But we don't have to quicken its demise. We can act. Twinkies are back in production. Who knows? Maybe Wonder Bread will come back. But until then white people must fight, even if it's a losing battle. Dance the polka. Listen to country music. Support NASCAR. Bowl. Vote for white people, however stupid. And remember, every time you take a bite out of a taco, you're taking a bite out of the dying body of white culture.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Obama, the Great Divider

Last Friday, President Barack Hussein Obama, by delivering an impromptu statement on the Trayvon Martin killing and a heartfelt no-teleprompter plea for racial understanding and justice, once again divided our country, separating those of goodwill, fairness and humanity from the racist asshole jerkoffs.

In the past, President Obama's speeches have divided the intelligent from the magically benighted, the common man from the amoral vulture capitalists who hover over our wounded nation and those who would rather not have our children dying in a foreign desert for no apparent reason from those who think it's pretty cool, as long as they aren't their kids.

This was different. This time the president drew upon his own experience dealing with prejudice as a young Black man as well as noting the racial inequity inherent in our justice system.

It was this step too far that caused right-wing pundits, talking heads and tea party politicians to momentarily cease formulating new and more creatively evil ways to disenfranchise Black voters, to cancel sending that email of Obama with a bone though his nose and watermelons on the White House lawn and to interrupt the on-air celebration of a 17 year-old boy's death. This was serious. How dare this uppity interloper suggest that race relations were not perfect in the greatest country in the known universe?

Into the fray leapt Fox News, the last bastion and tireless defender of the downtrodden White race, accusing the president of inflaming racial tensions and being not at all nice. Fox's Todd Starnes referred to Mr. Obama as "Race-Baiter in Chief" while Fox News contributor Tammy Bruce stated, “So Obama 'could have been’ Trayvon 35 yrs ago? I had no idea Obama sucker-punched a watch volunteer & then bashed his head in. Who knew?”

But it was Fox's own Sean Hannity, the close-to thinking racist's substitute for hillbilly heroin junkie and sex-tourist Rush Limbaugh, who really nailed it on his radio show, when he said, “Now the president’s saying Trayvon could’ve been me 35 years ago. This is a particularly helpful comment. Is that the president admitting that I guess because what, he was part of the Choom Gang and he smoked pot and he did a little blow — I’m not sure how to interpret because we know that Trayvon had been smoking pot that night.” And as we all know, pot smokers are apt to attack and brutalize strangers all too readily, especially if they suspect that stranger might have chocolate chip cookies on him.

Of course what really galled the moral, Christian right was President Obama's callous lack of concern for Black on Black violence. How could he, the first African-American president, care so little for his own people? Why should he not concentrate on this cancer eating away at the Black community, like they would most certainly do, if given only half a chance? Did this poseur not care that 94% of Blacks that are murdered are killed by other Blacks? How dare he focus on one dead dope-smoking thug and potential burglar and a helpful law that protects white citizens from such?

Unfortunately, those who make this argument through their crocodile tears leave out one big honking salient fact, that being that 86% of whites who are murdered are killed by other whites, not 17 year-old Black children armed with Skittles. So, c'mon, white gun-toting killers, you're just not helping with the demographics here.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Victory in Sanford

Hats are in the air in Sanford, Florida, and throughout the redder parts of the country, after 17 year old Trayvon Martin was found guilty by a jury of George Zimmerman's peers last night.

The six female members of the all-white jury determined that Mr. Martin caused his own death by being overtly black and walking through a gated Sanford neighborhood at the same time. Sanford, it must be noted, was not named after Redd Foxx's loveable junk man character he portrayed on Sanford & Son.

Legal analysts are hailing this decision as a victory for easily excitable white gun owners nationwide and a much needed buttressing of the Stand Your Ground If It's a Black Person Law that has made Florida a mecca for fat white men who love Charles Bronson movies and enjoy year-long hunting.

Legal precedent was also set in this decision as to what constitutes a lethal weapon. We now know that black folk are armed to the teeth every time they walk on a cement sidewalk, and a responsible white person will take this into account whenever he or she sees one doing so.

Zimmerman defense attorney, Don West, was "ecstatic" about the verdict, and had this to say about the cruelty Mr. Zimmerman had endured due to a justice system that had the audacity to question his actions and actually prosecute him for an act of heroism.

"I think the prosecution of George Zimmerman was disgraceful. I am gratified by the jury's verdict. As happy as I am for George Zimmerman, I'm thrilled that this jury kept this tragedy from becoming a travesty," said defense attorney Don West. "For that we are eternally grateful. But it makes me sad, too, that it took this long under these circumstances to finally get justice."

The jury also proved, as the defense noted, that this trial was never, ever about race, and that they would have found Trayvon Martin just as guilty if the situation had been reversed and he had shot Mr. Zimmerman. For that, all of us who love this post-racial country we live in can take great comfort.

And now the hard part begins, as American hero George Zimmerman struggles to put his momentarily detoured life back together, put the horror of this inexcusable trial behind him, and resume his duties and patrol on neighborhood watch. But white people in Sanford will sleep a little easier tonight knowing that Zimmerman is watching over them. And black teenagers have learned that they, like their hoodies, should stay in the 'hood and that justice is not just blind, it's deaf, too.

©2013 Kona Lowell

Monday, July 8, 2013

Winning White: The Republican Plan for Victory

After the historic thumping the Republican Party received in the last election, deflated members attempted to engage in a period of soul-searching. Realizing that to be impossible, they began to look at the numbers, and concluded that the changing demographics were not in their favor.

A burgeoning young Hispanic population, as well as a more involved and determined Black electorate, portend a dim future for the GOP, one that hints at irrelevance and late-night mockery for decades to come.

Even with the tried and true methods of voter suppression the Republican Party regularly avails itself of, and which thanks to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Voting Rights Act will be employed throughout the country in 2014 and 2016, it still may not be enough.

Thankfully, the Republican Big Guns have a plan.

Enter Phyillis Schafley, longtime anti-liberal bedbug, who along with a confederacy of conservatives — which includes Rich Lowrey of National Review, editor Erick Erickson, and former Florida Rep. Alan West — took a major dump on immigration reform and stated:

“The Hispanics who have come in like this will vote Democrat and there’s not the slightest bit of evidence that they will vote Republican. And the people the Republicans should reach out to are the white votes, the white voters who didn’t vote in the last election and there are millions of them.”

This prescription for victory was echoed by one-time journalist, and now Fox News curmudgeon-in-residence and insect impersonator Brit Hume:

"And I am absolutely convinced that this trope that you’re hearing that says that if the Republicans don’t go for immigration reform much as the Senate has done, they’ll never win another presidential election. Oh, baloney. If you look at the statistics, you find there was one significant bloc of voters who turned out in smaller numbers this time in a major way — way below expectations, below even their '08 turnout — and that was white voters. Now, that doesn’t mean that if they turned out that Romney would have gotten them, all but it shows you that this Hispanic vote, which is I think now 8.5 percent of the electorate or something like that, is not nearly as important as, still, as the white vote, which is above 70 percent. So, if you look at it from an ethnic point of view, that addresses the question of whether you need to get right with the Hispanics."

The white non-voters that both Schafley and Hume are referring to are generally those who are less educated and generally do not involve themselves in politics (or reading, the internet, news shows or dental hygiene) . Reaching them, and getting them to participate, will be a challenge, but the Republican Party is determined.

"We are doing some real brainstorming here," said Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman, "We will have a GOP NASCAR racer which should get a lot of attention, once we explain what GOP stands for. And we are lining up country music luminaries who hate minorities, which is most of them, to stump for candidates. Hank Williams, Jr. is working on some great new tunes, like "I'm Gonna Put My Boot in Your Hasta La Vista," and other sure-to-be hits. And we are hoping to partner with Walmart and feature a line of GOP logo spandex, all available in XXXXXL."

There remains, however, one problem: the women's vote. How can Republicans deal with the fact that their anti-woman legislation is angering even Republican women throughout the country, and that they will definitely be at the polls in huge numbers?

"That's easy," said Priebus, "we lock them in fucking closet on the first Tuesday in November."

©2013 Kona Lowell

Monday, July 1, 2013

George Zimmerman & Our Post-Racial America

When Barack Obama won his first presidential contest, and became the country's first Black president, people who know important things declared that the United States had officially entered the era of post-racialism. One could be certain of this due to the way his election to the highest office in the land was embraced and celebrated by cheering, teary-eyed Republicans.

What confused some people were the unfounded assertions that President Obama was actually born in Kenya instead of Hawaii, that he is a Muslim, that he (and his wife) despise America (and white folk) and that he is a socialist communist Marxist Islamist Nazi. But how could we possibly be post-racial if the president was seemingly being treated disrespectfully and as an "other"? Thankfully, the Tea Party sprouted almost overnight, like mushrooms in cow shit, to demonstrate once and for all that this was simply theater, good-natured, playful ribbing that denotes a deep and abiding love and respect. Like a celebrity roast, only with misspelled posters.

The Supreme Court, realizing this, decided that a key provision of the Voting Rights Act was no longer needed, since racism had been officially abolished, paving the way for new hurdles in minority voting.

"Look, we all know Black athletes are the best at the hurdles," said Justice Antonin "Fat Tony" Scalia, "so this is really an advantage for them. As for the long lines sure to crop up in minority voting areas, it is also a well known fact that people of color like to mill around in large groups in the open air for hours on end. We're just trying to make them happy."

Enter George Zimmerman, a simple, hardworking citizen devoted to law and order, love of community and a fierce proponent of racial justice, to assure us that post-racialism is indeed upon us.

Mr. Zimmerman, it may be remembered, shot to death an unarmed 17 year old boy, Trayvon Martin, who was attempting to disrupt our post-racial utopia by walking through Mr. Zimmerman's neighborhood while haughtily displaying an inordinate amount of Blackness. The concern the police felt for Mr. Zimmerman, and the admiration for his selfless act of heroism displayed by Fox News and millions of supportive Americans, further demonstrates that we do indeed live in a post-racial world. A color-blind world, where white folk can shoot black folk without fear of retribution or the scurrilous charge of racism.

We can thank President Obama's election for making this all possible. And when we have finally elected our first woman president, we will witness a new dawn, the birth of a new era. The Post-Rape Era.

©2013 Kona Lowell