After the historic thumping the Republican Party received in the last election, deflated members attempted to engage in a period of soul-searching. Realizing that to be impossible, they began to look at the numbers, and concluded that the changing demographics were not in their favor.
A burgeoning young Hispanic population, as well as a more involved and determined Black electorate, portend a dim future for the GOP, one that hints at irrelevance and late-night mockery for decades to come.
Even with the tried and true methods of voter suppression the Republican Party regularly avails itself of, and which thanks to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Voting Rights Act will be employed throughout the country in 2014 and 2016, it still may not be enough.
Thankfully, the Republican Big Guns have a plan.
Enter Phyillis Schafley, longtime anti-liberal bedbug, who along with a confederacy of conservatives — which includes Rich Lowrey of National Review, Redstate.com editor Erick Erickson, and former Florida Rep. Alan West — took a major dump on immigration reform and stated:
“The Hispanics who have come in like this will vote Democrat and there’s
not the slightest bit of evidence that they will vote Republican. And the people the Republicans should
reach out to are the white votes, the white voters who didn’t vote in
the last election and there are millions of them.”
This prescription for victory was echoed by one-time journalist, and now Fox News curmudgeon-in-residence and insect impersonator Brit Hume:
"And I am absolutely convinced that this trope that you’re hearing
that says that if the Republicans don’t go for immigration reform much
as the Senate has done, they’ll never win another presidential election.
Oh, baloney. If you look at the statistics, you find there was one
significant bloc of voters who turned out in smaller numbers this time
in a major way — way below expectations, below even their '08 turnout —
and that was white voters. Now, that doesn’t mean that if they turned
out that Romney would have gotten them, all but it shows you that this
Hispanic vote, which is I think now 8.5 percent of the electorate or
something like that, is not nearly as important as, still, as the white
vote, which is above 70 percent. So, if you look at it from an ethnic
point of view, that addresses the question of whether you need to get
right with the Hispanics."
The white non-voters that both Schafley and Hume are referring to are generally those who are less educated and generally do not involve themselves in politics (or reading, the internet, news shows or dental hygiene) . Reaching them, and getting them to participate, will be a challenge, but the Republican Party is determined.
"We are doing some real brainstorming here," said Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman, "We will have a GOP NASCAR racer which should get a lot of attention, once we explain what GOP stands for. And we are lining up country music luminaries who hate minorities, which is most of them, to stump for candidates. Hank Williams, Jr. is working on some great new tunes, like "I'm Gonna Put My Boot in Your Hasta La Vista," and other sure-to-be hits. And we are hoping to partner with Walmart and feature a line of GOP logo spandex, all available in XXXXXL."
There remains, however, one problem: the women's vote. How can Republicans deal with the fact that their anti-woman legislation is angering even Republican women throughout the country, and that they will definitely be at the polls in huge numbers?
"That's easy," said Priebus, "we lock them in fucking closet on the first Tuesday in November."
©2013 Kona Lowell
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