Wednesday, September 26, 2012

You Really, Really Don't Like Me

I am finding myself almost feeling sorry for Mitt Romney today. Imagine spending over 50 million bucks just to find out people really, really don't like you. I could have told him that for a free drink. Damn. Okay, I'm over the slim possibility of feeling sorry for him now. Yes, I'll have another.

©2012 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

GOP Shit Sandwich Not a Big Seller

Washington, DC. Republicans have suddenly come to the shocking realization that it may not be their candidates that aren't selling, but their policies and ideas that the American people just aren't buying.

"Who knew that busting unions would upset blue collar workers?" said Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "We figured they could live with that as long as we promised they could keep their anti-tank weapons. Heck."

"Since when did Americans decide they didn't want another war? They used to love watching someone else's kid get his legs blown off. Made them all warm and fuzzy," said John McCain (R-AZ).

"We thought women would be thrilled to have Planned Parenthood defunded and Roe v. Wade overturned," said John Boehner (R-OH), "but we must have caught them at that time of the month. Maybe we should have given them all some herbal tea."

"Hey. Everybody likes billionaires! They're like rare tigers. We just assumed everyone would be happy to pay higher taxes to keep them thriving," said Lindsay Graham (R-SC). "Maybe if we had really cool t-shirts."

"Old folks like Medicare and Social Security? Really? Since when?" said Marco Rubio (R-FL). "Chingao!"

"We're basically fucked," said Bill Kristol (douche nozzle). "The more we tell people what we want to do to this country, the more they want to hang us from lamp posts and set us on fire. We should have just adopted the Democratic platform and hoped people would go for the white guy. Reagan couldn't sell this shit sandwich."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Romney Campaign Discovers Election Not a "Gimme"

Washington, DC. The Romney campaign is desperately trying to regroup and explain away recently revealed video in which the candidate denigrates 47% of the American populace in front of $50,000 a plate donors as basically spineless moochers and not worthy of his consideration.

"Mr. Romney was not saying these people were unworthy of being represented by him," said a profusely sweating Stuart Stevens, the campaign's top strategist and the man who arranged for Clint Eastwood to ad lib, "he was saying that, um, what he meant was, I mean, you see, uh...oh fuck it."

Asked what Mr. Romney hoped to accomplish by apparently calling the Israeli/Palestinian issue a lost cause and a Palestinian state an impossibility when he claimed that the Palestinians "don't want to see peace," Mr. Stevens curled up in a fetal position on the floor and began slowly rocking back and forth and saying something over and over about "a happy place."

"Look," said Matt Rhoades, campaign manager, after covering Mr. Stevens with a red blanket, "we didn't plan for this. Our whole campaign was supposed to be that Romney's the white guy, vote for him. I mean no one's whiter than Romney, for fuck's sake. We didn't know he was just going to wing it and try to talk about stuff. Anyone have a full bottle of barbiturates?

"You'd think people would vote for his grey-around-the-temples thing, damn it. How about a gun? Bottle of Drano?"

Meanwhile, President Obama is practicing for the debates with John Kerry playing the part of Mitt Romney.

"It's going pretty well," Senator Kerry (D-MA) said, "except for the uncontrollable, explosive laughter. The President hopes to have a handle on that come debate night."

©2012 Kona Lowell

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Shooting for Dumb

Washington, DC. Former Pennsylvania senator, Rick Santorum, shocked the media but comforted the Republican faithful Saturday at the Values Voter Summit when he admitted, "We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country.We will never have the elite, smart people on our side, because they believe they should have the power to tell you what to do."

"I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear Mr. Santorum say that," said Les Braynes. "But then I can't tell you exactly what city I'm in. Mexico?"

"We want ordinary, really dumb Republicans to have a home, a sanctuary," Santorum said, "A haven, where they can reaffirm their core beliefs, and no one will laugh. At least not in front of them.

"A party where they're free to believe that, as a boy, Jesus had a pet dinosaur named Skylar, that sex education causes over-heated radiators and ear infections, that the U.N. is planning to force all country singers to have adenoidectomies and wear lederhosen and, of course, that the South will rise again."

Joining the former presidential candiate will be other famous dumb people: Rep. Michele Bachmann (R - Minn.), Glenn Beck, Kirk Cameron, Gov. Mike Huckabee and Gov. Mitt Romney. Hank Williams, Jr. will be performing on armpit.

Meanwhile, arcane comedian Dennis Miller is finding himself to be a man without a party. "The Republicans won't have me because I'm too smart. The Dems won't have me because I'm an arrogant dick. I'm as fucked as Messalina in the twenty-four hour competiton with Scylla the prostitute in Robert Graves' Claudius the God."

©2012 Kona Lowell