Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Romney Campaign Discovers Election Not a "Gimme"

Washington, DC. The Romney campaign is desperately trying to regroup and explain away recently revealed video in which the candidate denigrates 47% of the American populace in front of $50,000 a plate donors as basically spineless moochers and not worthy of his consideration.

"Mr. Romney was not saying these people were unworthy of being represented by him," said a profusely sweating Stuart Stevens, the campaign's top strategist and the man who arranged for Clint Eastwood to ad lib, "he was saying that, um, what he meant was, I mean, you see, uh...oh fuck it."

Asked what Mr. Romney hoped to accomplish by apparently calling the Israeli/Palestinian issue a lost cause and a Palestinian state an impossibility when he claimed that the Palestinians "don't want to see peace," Mr. Stevens curled up in a fetal position on the floor and began slowly rocking back and forth and saying something over and over about "a happy place."

"Look," said Matt Rhoades, campaign manager, after covering Mr. Stevens with a red blanket, "we didn't plan for this. Our whole campaign was supposed to be that Romney's the white guy, vote for him. I mean no one's whiter than Romney, for fuck's sake. We didn't know he was just going to wing it and try to talk about stuff. Anyone have a full bottle of barbiturates?

"You'd think people would vote for his grey-around-the-temples thing, damn it. How about a gun? Bottle of Drano?"

Meanwhile, President Obama is practicing for the debates with John Kerry playing the part of Mitt Romney.

"It's going pretty well," Senator Kerry (D-MA) said, "except for the uncontrollable, explosive laughter. The President hopes to have a handle on that come debate night."

©2012 Kona Lowell

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