Washington, DC. Former Pennsylvania senator, Rick Santorum, shocked the media but comforted the Republican faithful Saturday at the Values Voter Summit when he admitted, "We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country.We will never have the elite, smart people on our side, because they believe they should have the power to tell you what to do."
"I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear Mr. Santorum say that," said Les Braynes. "But then I can't tell you exactly what city I'm in. Mexico?"
"We want ordinary, really dumb Republicans to have a home, a sanctuary," Santorum said, "A haven, where they can reaffirm their core beliefs, and no one will laugh. At least not in front of them.
"A party where they're free to believe that, as a boy, Jesus had a pet dinosaur named Skylar, that sex education causes over-heated radiators and ear infections, that the U.N. is planning to force all country singers to have adenoidectomies and wear lederhosen and, of course, that the South will rise again."
Joining the former presidential candiate will be other famous dumb people: Rep. Michele Bachmann (R - Minn.), Glenn Beck, Kirk Cameron, Gov. Mike Huckabee and Gov. Mitt Romney. Hank Williams, Jr. will be performing on armpit.
Meanwhile, arcane comedian Dennis Miller is finding himself to be a man without a party. "The Republicans won't have me because I'm too smart. The Dems won't have me because I'm an arrogant dick. I'm as fucked as Messalina in the twenty-four hour competiton with Scylla the prostitute in Robert Graves' Claudius the God."
©2012 Kona Lowell