Washington, DC. Republicans have suddenly come to the shocking realization that it may not be their candidates that aren't selling, but their policies and ideas that the American people just aren't buying.
"Who knew that busting unions would upset blue collar workers?" said Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "We figured they could live with that as long as we promised they could keep their anti-tank weapons. Heck."
"Since when did Americans decide they didn't want another war? They used to love watching someone else's kid get his legs blown off. Made them all warm and fuzzy," said John McCain (R-AZ).
"We thought women would be thrilled to have Planned Parenthood defunded and Roe v. Wade overturned," said John Boehner (R-OH), "but we must have caught them at that time of the month. Maybe we should have given them all some herbal tea."
"Hey. Everybody likes billionaires! They're like rare tigers. We just assumed everyone would be happy to pay higher taxes to keep them thriving," said Lindsay Graham (R-SC). "Maybe if we had really cool t-shirts."
"Old folks like Medicare and Social Security? Really? Since when?" said Marco Rubio (R-FL). "Chingao!"
"We're basically fucked," said Bill Kristol (douche nozzle). "The more we tell people what we want to do to this country, the more they want to hang us from lamp posts and set us on fire. We should have just adopted the Democratic platform and hoped people would go for the white guy. Reagan couldn't sell this shit sandwich."
©2012 Kona Lowell