Friday, March 15, 2013

America! The Answer to Everything

Yesterday Marco Rubio (R-FL) fed the CPAC attendees large slabs of uncooked animal protein as he railed against liberals, abortion, gay marriage and Obamacare. But the high note he hit came at the very end of his speech, when eschewing "new ideas" the senator said, "And there's the fallacy of it. We don't need a new idea. There is an idea: the idea is called America, and it still works."

While this pronouncement left his audience — and conservatives everywhere — limp and palpitating in post-orgasmic joy, liberals, like myself, my wife and the entire MSNBC lineup found it a bit ridiculous. Of course conservatives think "new ideas" are for pussies, but falling back on the old America Ploy is lameness to the nth degree.

Yet I was brought back to reality by my wife, who realized just how epic Rubio's statement was.

"This means whenever we don't have an answer, we just say "America," she said.

"What? You mean like, 'What do you want for dinner?' 'I don't know, America?'" I asked.

"Exactly" she said.


"What do you want to be when you grow up?


"What time are you going to be home?"


"What is love?"


"Sir, you were doing 85 in a 35 mph zone. Have you been drinking?"


Sure, Marco Rubio is a self-important, lying, hypocritical, vacuous waste of molecules, but I think we can all be truly thankful for his unintentional gift of opaque one-size-fits-all bullshit we can spew whenever we are unable to think of anything intelligent to say. I expect Republicans to use this non-stop now.

That's America to me!

©2013 Kona Lowell

Thursday, March 14, 2013

GOP Formulates Plan to Recapture Women's Vote

Washington, DC. Heads of the Republican party met Wednesday to discuss the disastrous loss of the women's vote in the 2012 election. President Obama took advantage of an 18-point gender gap to retake the White House and this trend shows no signs of reverting in the near future.

"We cannot win if we don't have the American women behind us," said Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "Other than repealing the 19th Amendment, we must entice women back to the Republican party. So we are meeting to devise a way to do that. I suggest free vacuum cleaners. Women love vacuum cleaners."

"Women have the totally wrong idea that we just want them barefoot and pregnant," remarked Roy Blunt (R-MO), "and nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, we are working on a subsidy to provide free house slippers."

"I think the cool GOP aprons are a great idea," said Ron Johnson (R-WI), "and they have this really neat picture of Sarah Palin riding an elephant with a beautiful cake in one hand and an AR-15 in the other. What woman worth her pearls wouldn't wear that with pride while cooking tater tots for her man?"

"Well, I like the Studs of the GOP calendar idea," said Paul Ryan (R-WI), "because it gives me a chance to take my shirt off. Check out these abs. And feel these gunboats. Yeah. Tell me women aren't going to vote for this! Got any water?"

Personally, I'm flummoxed," said Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell, " I mean we gave them free transvaginal ultrasounds! Free as in FREE! What more do they want? Equal pay? Geez, some people are never happy."

©2013 Kona Lowell