Friday, March 15, 2013

America! The Answer to Everything

Yesterday Marco Rubio (R-FL) fed the CPAC attendees large slabs of uncooked animal protein as he railed against liberals, abortion, gay marriage and Obamacare. But the high note he hit came at the very end of his speech, when eschewing "new ideas" the senator said, "And there's the fallacy of it. We don't need a new idea. There is an idea: the idea is called America, and it still works."

While this pronouncement left his audience — and conservatives everywhere — limp and palpitating in post-orgasmic joy, liberals, like myself, my wife and the entire MSNBC lineup found it a bit ridiculous. Of course conservatives think "new ideas" are for pussies, but falling back on the old America Ploy is lameness to the nth degree.

Yet I was brought back to reality by my wife, who realized just how epic Rubio's statement was.

"This means whenever we don't have an answer, we just say "America," she said.

"What? You mean like, 'What do you want for dinner?' 'I don't know, America?'" I asked.

"Exactly" she said.


"What do you want to be when you grow up?


"What time are you going to be home?"


"What is love?"


"Sir, you were doing 85 in a 35 mph zone. Have you been drinking?"


Sure, Marco Rubio is a self-important, lying, hypocritical, vacuous waste of molecules, but I think we can all be truly thankful for his unintentional gift of opaque one-size-fits-all bullshit we can spew whenever we are unable to think of anything intelligent to say. I expect Republicans to use this non-stop now.

That's America to me!

©2013 Kona Lowell

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