Monday, March 2, 2015

CPAC, Republican Hate Rodeo

National Harbor, MD. If you turned on the TV a few days ago and were somewhat surprised to see Jeb Bush addressing a Klan rally, your misconception is certainly understandable. You were in fact witnessing his address to the Conservative Political Action Conference or CPAC, where conservative Christians go once a year to embarrass Jesus.

CPAC is like an annual Republican hate rodeo, with the competitors comprising a vast slate of far right extremists (and a handful of escapees from the local hospital for the criminally insane) with a combined zero percent chance of ever being elected President of the United States. But that's not the point. The objective is to hurl as much slander, lies, hate and big chunks of raw, bloody meat to the rabidly slavering, cheering audience as one can before the bell rings.

This year's contestants did not disappoint, although many of them seemed to mistakenly believe that President Obama is running for a third term. However, some of the smarter ones sensed that it would be instead Hillary Clinton they would be vying against and so reserved their venom-infused spittle for her.

The prolonged event was not lacking in highlights, with racism, Islamophobia, anti-immigrant fear and loathing, Obama-bashing and exuberant warmongering setting the tone. There were also several flat moments, from the ever frothy Rick Santorum's failed birther stand-up routine to Governor Chris Christie's increasing inability to appear to be anything but a turd in a suit. But there were many stand-out moments. Here's some that caught our attention.

Governor Scott Walker impressed the white, Christian audience with his pledge to launch another crusade to wipe the last infidels from the face of the earth. Aside from this plan to end unions once and for all, he also wants to kill as many Muslims as possible.

Governor Bobby Jindal echoed Walker's desire to kill a whole lot of brown-skinned people (himself excluded, of course) and vowed to fuck the poor in his desperately poor and unhealthy state even harder by repealing Obamacare.

Senator Ted Cruz did a remarkable Senator Ted Cruz impersonation and talked about liberty, while desperately trying to conceal a growing woody.

Dr. Ben Carson, who is this election season's Herman Cain, delighted white Republicans with talk of "real freedom." Carson, every bit the quisling as 9-9-9-Cain, is a standout in the party for being as batshit crazy as the former pizza magnate, but with a degree of gravitas that comes from having the title of "Doctor" instead of "Uncle" in front of his name. Note: Carson should not be confused with those little round coin-like objects one inserts in a subway turnstile.

Phil Robertson, the only person in the room who would actually look up if someone screamed "Duck!", blamed all sexually-transmitted diseases on people that used to look exactly like he looks now: hippies.

Governor Jeb Bush, who bused in his own cheering section, discovered to his dismay that simply inserting people into the audience wearing "George who?" t-shirts would not save him from a wing of the party that sees any sign, however minute, of something akin to humanity as equal to demanding they turn in their guns and marry the guy sitting next to them.

It was, however, Senator Rand Paul who won the day, and his third consecutive, much-coveted and completely irrelevant straw poll. Paul pushed all the right buttons, calling President Obama a girly-man, droning on about freedom, making sweet, sweet love to the Constitution and blaming Hillary Clinton for Benghazi. He did everything but sing the Star-Spangled Banner while dry-humping the Liberty Bell.

So now we know. It will be Rand vs. Hillary in 2016. Just kidding. Jeb will get the nomination. Those t-shirts are the nuts.

©2015 Kona Lowell

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Obama, the Un-American President

Washington, DC. Aside from weathering a paralyzing snow storm, representatives in our nation's capitol have been battling a whirling shit storm, thanks to statements made by former New York City mayor, Rudy Giuliani. The remarks, delivered at a fundraising event for dead fish impersonator and Koch brothers' favorite sex toy, Wisconsin's Governor Scott Walker, hinted that President Obama may be just a tad lukewarm in his affection for the country he leads. Said the former mayor:

“I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the president loves America. He doesn’t love you. And he doesn’t love me. He wasn’t brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up through love of this country.”

Okay, that's more than a hint. But Giuliani, who has descended from "America's Mayor" to America's crazy fucking racist uncle banging on the attic floor, was not done. Holding forth at Fox News, the convicted leg-breaker's son doubled and tripled down on his belief that President Obama basically hates everything America stands for. So there.

What brought this all about, of course, is Obama's ongoing refusal to call ISIS thugs and other terrorists of Muslim origin "Islamic terrorists." The President holds that this appellation (preferred by anti-Islam bigots, Islamophobes and harpies named Pam Geller by a margin of 10 to 1) gives these criminals legitimacy they do not warrant. It is for precisely the same reason the president does not refer to Republicans as "treasonous, reality-denying shitheads." It's more than they deserve.

But as much as we effete liberals would like to deny it, the increasingly irrelevant former mobster's son does have a point: Barack Obama was not brought up in a stereotypical Italian crime family and is stunningly, undeniably not white.

President Obama demonstrates this by regularly appearing in public as a Black man. He showed his sneering disdain for white women everywhere by marrying one Michelle Robinson and shortly thereafter producing two chocolate-toned children that will never be mistaken for Italians. He displays an elitist contempt for NASCAR and is unable to distinguish Dale Earnhardt, Jr. from Jimmie Johnson, and further, could not give a fuck. He would instead prefer to watch tall Black, athletic men fly through the air and slam basket balls than watch white guys drive around in a circle. He doesn't bowl. His iPod is tellingly bare of country music and he never starts a speech with, "Like Charlie Daniels says...." Even worse, he vacations in the communist state of Hawaii instead of Branson, Missouri. He refuses to man-up and be a Real American by slaughtering God's creatures for sport and idle amusement while shit-faced drunk. He doesn't go 4-wheeling, preferring to preserve Nature as opposed to digging tire tracks into her. And most damningly obvious of all, he seems to prefer ending and preventing wars than starting them for no fucking reason.

Rudy Giuliani is right. Barack H. Obama is no George W. Bush. And for that, we can all be grateful.

Next week, Obama hates Israel because he refuses to convert from Islam to Judaism.

©2015 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Vaccinating Evil

Bethesda, Maryland. Today the culmination of years of rigorous research was unveiled here at the National Institute of Health. The groundbreaking discovery has the potential to change the world and was announced by Dr. Fritz Friedenlieben, the chair of the project.

"After many years of hard work, we have finally isolated the virus that causes people to be irredeemably nasty. Tests have shown that the vaccine works with very few side affects and will prevent children from developing hatred, greed and intolerance. We are now ready to proceed to clinical trials."

"Dr. Friedenlieben, what are these side affects to the HGI vaccine?"

"There has been some very slight soreness at the site of injection, but the most pronounced side affects are feelings of love, generosity and the desire to get along with other people. We suggest children receive the vaccine by the age of four or five."

President Obama reacted to the news this morning.

"This is a landmark discovery. I am hoping that if the clinical trials are successful all parents will have their children vaccinated against this debilitating disease."

However, Republicans greeted the news with skepticism and some with outright hostility. Senator Rand Paul had this to say:

"While as a not board-certified ophthalmologist I applaud Dr. Friedenlieben's research on the HGI vaccine, as a Libertarian I believe it is the child's owners, the parents, who have the constitutional right to decide if their kids grow up to be hateful, greedy bigots or not."

Congressman Louis Gohmert of Texas was less accommodating:

"This country was built on hatred, greed and intolerance! Dr. Frankenburger's vaccine is just plain un-American! And hell, there wouldn't be anyone left to vote for us!"

The NIH says clinical trials will begin shortly and that the rats injected with the HGI vaccine seem to be enjoying sharing their food and giving each other back rubs.

©2015 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Bread Wrappers for Everyone

Des Moines, Iowa. We're here in America's corn hole, I mean corn basket, this afternoon at the annual Freedom Summit, also known as Steve King's Fuck You Immigrants, Muslims, Gays and Anyone Who Isn't a White Redneck Asshole Lollapalooza. This is where potential Republican presidential contenders come to prove their bona fides to the GOP's most droolingly right-wing voters and hopefully get that much coveted Iowa bump.

However it's not the line-up of presidential hopefuls that are the talk of the event, but Iowa's own Joni Ernst, the freshman senator who delivered the first of five fulsome GOP rebuttals to President Obama's State of the Union address. The pig castrater from Red Oak has inadvertently uncorked something of a pissing contest with her woebegone tale of childhood poverty — poverty so deep it required $460,000 in government subsides — including the heartbreaking account of wearing plastic bread wrappers over her one good pair of shoes. Now everyone is regaling the press with Dickensian tales of brutal childhood hardship. Here's a small sampling from those willing to speak to us:

"Bread wrappers? That ain't nuthin'! We was so poor we wore bread for shoes. My poor mama would git herself up at four in the mornin' and start bakin' our shoes. 'Come in here chillun and put your dogs in them buns an' git on to school' she'd say. Then we'd walk five miles to school in our bread shoes. We ate 'em for lunch. Then we'd walk on home barefoot. Took me twenty years 'for I could eat bread without mud on it."

"Well we were so durn poor our little town couldn't even afford a town drunk. We had this one guy who just pretended to be drunk about half the time."

"You want me to tell you what poor is? We were so fucking poor the panhandlers gave us spare change. My pop's best job was holding the 'will work for food' sign for the homeless guy."

"Oh my, we were so poor that our mama would tell us, 'You kids go out there and foller them squirrels before it gits dark and find where they're buryin' them acorns and bring 'em home.' Then we'd bring the acorns home and mama would make us all a nice bowl of hot water and acorn soup."

Of course there are some who still are a bit unclear on the concept.

"Oh dear, yes, as a young lad I faced very great hardship. Father made a disastrous investment and found it expedient to sell our summer house on Cape Cod. We were forced to winter in a rented villa in Hawaii for three torturous years. The following year pater auctioned my polo pony, and Biff and Skipper and the rest of the chaps at prep mocked me mercilessly. 'No Polo DuPont' they called me. It still rankles to this very day."

Fortunately, the Republicans still have time to work this all out and prove to the middle class and working poor that they really, really care about them. The empathy workshop starts at 2:00 pm, entitled "Bread Wrappers for Everyone." Watch out, Democrats.

©2015 Kona Lowell