Friday, June 26, 2015

The Republicans' Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

Washington, DC. There's an old saying about bad things coming in threes. I can only imagine that Republicans nationwide were praying for the week to be over and desperately hoping that that old saying would not need a revision. Unfortunately, their prayers caromed off a brass sky and their hopes are a smoking, fetid pile of ashes. I'm counting four.

1. Donald Trump and the thing that lives on his head enter the presidential race. As if there weren't enough unserious candidates making it tough for Jeb Bush to assume the mantle of Great White Hope and complete the Bush trifecta, here comes feces-thrower Trump, immediately flinging poop on the leading candidate, beating his chest and leaving no doubt that the circus has indeed come to town.

The RNC is in a collective cold sweat, because unless someone comes up with a Plan B very quickly, as in yesterday, nine Republican hopefuls will share a Fox News debate stage with a very mean-spirited, uncontrollable orangutan who cares about nothing but increasing his stockpile of bananas.

Yes, Jeb should make it out alive, although caked in orangutan shit. And the party itself will continue to be seen as pathetically out of touch as Trump, in the name of the GOP, will certainly manage to offend every minority in ways no one can yet even imagine. Democratic ad men are salivating.

2. The South finally loses the Civil War. I know, we thought it was over more than a century ago. But it took the tragic deaths of nine good people in a South Carolina church at the hands of a white supremacist Justin Bieber impersonator to remove the last symbol of their treasonous past. Even if Charlie Daniels is still proud he's a rebel and remains convinced that the South is gonna do it again, they will have to do it through gerrymandering, voter suppression/intimidation and quiet, structural racism sans the Confederate battle flag. This they can and will try to do, crocodile tears and professions of love for their Black fellow citizens notwithstanding. This tactic will eventually fail, and the tears will be real, as will our laughter.

3. Chief Justice John Roberts saves Obamacare. After sixty attempts to kill it and deprive millions of their fellow Americans of health care, and in thousands of cases, their lives, Republicans are now facing the utterly depressing reality that The Affordable Care Act is here to stay. What makes it particularly galling, aside from not being able to watch people suffer and die, is that they were counting on the Bush-appointed Roberts to share their callous disregard for humanity and thrust a dagger into the heart of the beast. Instead, he planted that dagger squarely in their back.

Of course this will not stop them from continuing to promise their knuckle-walking base that they will repeal it and replace it with Something a Black Guy Didn't Come Up With. This will happen when monkeys fly out of their butts. Luckily, Obamacare covers that condition.

4. Closeted Republicans can now get married anywhere in the US. Not that they will. No, they will continue to shriek and keen about the death of civilization, the persecution of Christians and predict all sorts of gory and improbable end-times destruction as they fund-raise off it and desperately try to stir up as much hatred and anger at the LGBT community as is possible. Then they will sneak off to have some hot man on man sex with Adam and Steve.

I suppose we should feel sorry for our Republican enemies. They've had a rough week. We should make some sort of gesture of good will, something to demonstrate our desire to reach across the aisle and listen to their ideas. Sending Confederate flag toilet paper would be a nice touch.

©2015 Kona Lowell

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

A White Guy's Post-Racial Do's & Dont's for Black People

As is well documented, Americans of all ethnicities are now living harmoniously in a post-racial society. But even though racism has been eliminated there are still some subtle do's and don'ts that Black people should adhere to, just to keep it that way. Here are some helpful examples:

1. Do not have a pool party. Yes, this seems obvious, since we white folks know you can't swim. In fact, it is probably a good idea not to have any kind of party as we will almost certainly object to the noise, to what you call "music," the number of people who show up, etc. But if you must go to a pool party, wear a short white jacket and carry a tray full of mimosas.

2. Do not have 19 kids. Yes, of course you love the Duggars! We all do! Who can resist a mindless breeding machine pumping out litters of future fundamentalist Republicans? They're so cute when they're little. But Fox News and the conservative Christians who champion the Duggars will simply see this as being the worst sort of copy cat behavior and will be forced to speak unkindly about you and your family. Remember, even though we're happily post-racial, demographics are still a bitch for us. Do emulate Chinese family planning, please. Remember one child = triple happy luck.

3. Do not run. Again, obvious. Unless you are in uniform carrying a football. Then please run as fast as you can. I've got 20 bucks on the game.

4. Do not get arrested. This is very, very important. Studies have shown that Black people do not do well in captivity and have a tendency to die. Avoid being arrested by staying in your house as much as possible and if you must go out in public, try to do so with at least two white friends whose fathers are police officers or district attorneys.

5. Do not open carry. I know it is tempting to go to the airport with your fully-loaded AR-15 or pal around with twenty of your Black friends dressed in paramilitary attire while armed to the teeth at your local Applebee's, but this behavior is specifically white penis-compensation therapy and mocking it would be insensitive, as well as the AR-15 would be really rubbing it in. Also, remember that many of the police who show up to arrest and/or kill you are in 24-7 white penis-compensation therapy so they will not be amused.

6. Do not be president. Even though we are a post-racial society, this is pushing the limits of good taste. It is acceptable to run for president as a Republican (after you disavow your heritage) but do not have the temerity to actually win, or even consider it. Remember, you are running to make us feel good about ourselves. After all we've done for you, it's the least you can do for us.

©2015 Kona Lowell

Thursday, May 21, 2015

The GOP Debates: An Embarrassment of Riches

Washington, DC. While many nations around the world are dealing with painful shortages in resources, our great country has an abundance — even a surplus — in one crucial resource: people who want to be the Republican nominee for president. And while this is of course something to celebrate, it does present some problems, especially when it comes to the twelve (yes, 12) Republican debates that will take place between August and March.

As of now, there are about 36 potential candidates, some declared, some still testing the waters. But even though that list will be eventually whittled down, it will still be in the double digits, making the debate structure unwieldy. Organizers cannot count on looming indictments to reduce the field sufficiently.

Several suggestions arose to reduce the number, like flying all the candidates to a remote and unpopulated island where their survival skills would determine who continues to the debates. However, as some are known cannibals, it was felt that they would have an unfair advantage.

Musical chairs was also briefly considered as a means of thinning the herd, but was deemed too complicated for the rhythm-challenged predominantly white group of candidates.

Also ruled out were a talent contest, an MMA-style cage fight, a round of Truth or Dare, who's mate is more popular than Bill Clinton as well as Governor Christie's suggestion of a hotdog eating contest.

Fortunately, Fox News came up with a plan, for at least the first debate, that being that only announced candidates can participate and all must place in the top 10 of an average of the five most recent polls, as recognized by Fox News (whatever that means). This scheme will of course be immediately shitcanned if Carly Fiorina doesn't make the cut because there absolutely must be a woman on the stage at all times. Ditto for Dr. Ben Carson and your choice of Latino.
 

Yet even with these rules in place, it is likely that there will be more than ten debaters on the stage. And that could likely include the high-polling Donald Trump and that thing that lives on his head.
 

CNN came up with a different plan, splitting their September debate into two parts: the 10 highest polling candidates, and "candidates who meet the minimum threshold of 1 percent in public polling but are ranked outside the top 10." This is very clever, and considerate, as legitimate candidates will not be forced to stand in puddles of drool or inhale the smoke from burning hair while explaining how Obama is responsible for the Iraq War.
 

While there are certainly reasons to grumble in this great country of ours, lack of Republican candidates willing to lie repeatedly in public and on video is definitely not one of them. Never before have so many stepped forward to take us several steps backwards. The GOP debates are an embarrassment of riches. Okay, make that just an embarrassment.
 

©2015 Kona Lowell

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The Republican Budget: Because F*ck You

Washington, DC. With the wind at their backs, the Republican-controlled 114th Congress is wasting no time in proving that the previous Congress, renowned for its historic obstruction, record number of filibusters, minimal legislation, extraordinary disrespect for the president and an utter lack of feck, was not an aberration.

Two months into their majority, two Republican congressmen (Grimm and Schock) have resigned in disgrace, three of their presidential hopefuls (Christie, Perry and Walker) are facing possible criminal charges, they've held funding for HSA hostage over immigration, held up confirmation for AG nominee Loretta Lynch in the hopes that they could insert anti-choice language into a human trafficking bill, invited a foreign head of state (in sneering contempt of protocol) to address the august body and undermine the President amid delicate nuclear arms talks and became traitorous, lovesick correspondents with the Ayatollah Khamenei, who rebuffed their schoolboy advances.

Legislatively, they've pushed the Keystone XL Pipeline, tried to repeal Obamacare for the 59th time and reluctantly pulled their own anti-abortion bill when Republican women legislators deemed it too medieval, even for them.

One would imagine they would need to catch their breath. But no.

To absolutely no one's surprise, House Republicans dropped trou, squatted down on the Capitol steps and dumped their budget plan. The 10-year blueprint for how to totally destroy every positive step made by the present administration is basically the same one Representative Paul Ryan has peddled four times previously, the one ridiculed by every major economist and denounced by nuns for being too much like something Satan might come up with.

I won't bore you with too many details, because you can close your eyes and imagine it right now, especially if you're a fan of The Walking Dead, but in a nutshell, it cuts spending by 5.5 trillion dollars over its ten years, in a sort of political/economic version of the Black Death.  Of course you know who will feel those spending cuts: the poor and the middle class.

And of course it cuts taxes for the wealthy and corporations who never pay taxes anyway, because fuck you.

And it cuts Medicaid funding by 913 billion dollars over ten years and relegates the program to the states in the form of block grants, because fuck you.

And it cuts billions from SNAP, known as Food Stamps, because fuck you.

And of course it repeals Obamacare, and with the Medicaid cuts, would knock an estimated 37 million Americans off the rolls of the insured, because fuck you.

But don't worry. It increases military spending, because fuck you.

Of course this budget will be widely touted by all Republicans, young and old, male and female, far right and farther right, on the Sunday morning shows, the op-ed pages of The Wall Street Journal and that place where truth goes to die, Fox News. Most of the media will tell us that this proposed budget is courageous and unavoidable, like all of our glorious wars, because fuck you.

There is, however, a way to prevent this budget from ever becoming reality. It's called voting. Yes, there's an alternative to that: bloody revolution, which I readily admit would be cathartic and possibly thrilling in a horrible sort of way, but at my age, I'll opt for voting. Because, Republicans, fuck you.

©2015 Kona Lowell

Monday, March 2, 2015

CPAC, Republican Hate Rodeo

National Harbor, MD. If you turned on the TV a few days ago and were somewhat surprised to see Jeb Bush addressing a Klan rally, your misconception is certainly understandable. You were in fact witnessing his address to the Conservative Political Action Conference or CPAC, where conservative Christians go once a year to embarrass Jesus.

CPAC is like an annual Republican hate rodeo, with the competitors comprising a vast slate of far right extremists (and a handful of escapees from the local hospital for the criminally insane) with a combined zero percent chance of ever being elected President of the United States. But that's not the point. The objective is to hurl as much slander, lies, hate and big chunks of raw, bloody meat to the rabidly slavering, cheering audience as one can before the bell rings.

This year's contestants did not disappoint, although many of them seemed to mistakenly believe that President Obama is running for a third term. However, some of the smarter ones sensed that it would be instead Hillary Clinton they would be vying against and so reserved their venom-infused spittle for her.

The prolonged event was not lacking in highlights, with racism, Islamophobia, anti-immigrant fear and loathing, Obama-bashing and exuberant warmongering setting the tone. There were also several flat moments, from the ever frothy Rick Santorum's failed birther stand-up routine to Governor Chris Christie's increasing inability to appear to be anything but a turd in a suit. But there were many stand-out moments. Here's some that caught our attention.

Governor Scott Walker impressed the white, Christian audience with his pledge to launch another crusade to wipe the last infidels from the face of the earth. Aside from this plan to end unions once and for all, he also wants to kill as many Muslims as possible.

Governor Bobby Jindal echoed Walker's desire to kill a whole lot of brown-skinned people (himself excluded, of course) and vowed to fuck the poor in his desperately poor and unhealthy state even harder by repealing Obamacare.

Senator Ted Cruz did a remarkable Senator Ted Cruz impersonation and talked about liberty, while desperately trying to conceal a growing woody.

Dr. Ben Carson, who is this election season's Herman Cain, delighted white Republicans with talk of "real freedom." Carson, every bit the quisling as 9-9-9-Cain, is a standout in the party for being as batshit crazy as the former pizza magnate, but with a degree of gravitas that comes from having the title of "Doctor" instead of "Uncle" in front of his name. Note: Carson should not be confused with those little round coin-like objects one inserts in a subway turnstile.

Phil Robertson, the only person in the room who would actually look up if someone screamed "Duck!", blamed all sexually-transmitted diseases on people that used to look exactly like he looks now: hippies.

Governor Jeb Bush, who bused in his own cheering section, discovered to his dismay that simply inserting people into the audience wearing "George who?" t-shirts would not save him from a wing of the party that sees any sign, however minute, of something akin to humanity as equal to demanding they turn in their guns and marry the guy sitting next to them.

It was, however, Senator Rand Paul who won the day, and his third consecutive, much-coveted and completely irrelevant straw poll. Paul pushed all the right buttons, calling President Obama a girly-man, droning on about freedom, making sweet, sweet love to the Constitution and blaming Hillary Clinton for Benghazi. He did everything but sing the Star-Spangled Banner while dry-humping the Liberty Bell.

So now we know. It will be Rand vs. Hillary in 2016. Just kidding. Jeb will get the nomination. Those t-shirts are the nuts.

©2015 Kona Lowell