Tuesday, June 9, 2015

A White Guy's Post-Racial Do's & Dont's for Black People

As is well documented, Americans of all ethnicities are now living harmoniously in a post-racial society. But even though racism has been eliminated there are still some subtle do's and don'ts that Black people should adhere to, just to keep it that way. Here are some helpful examples:

1. Do not have a pool party. Yes, this seems obvious, since we white folks know you can't swim. In fact, it is probably a good idea not to have any kind of party as we will almost certainly object to the noise, to what you call "music," the number of people who show up, etc. But if you must go to a pool party, wear a short white jacket and carry a tray full of mimosas.

2. Do not have 19 kids. Yes, of course you love the Duggars! We all do! Who can resist a mindless breeding machine pumping out litters of future fundamentalist Republicans? They're so cute when they're little. But Fox News and the conservative Christians who champion the Duggars will simply see this as being the worst sort of copy cat behavior and will be forced to speak unkindly about you and your family. Remember, even though we're happily post-racial, demographics are still a bitch for us. Do emulate Chinese family planning, please. Remember one child = triple happy luck.

3. Do not run. Again, obvious. Unless you are in uniform carrying a football. Then please run as fast as you can. I've got 20 bucks on the game.

4. Do not get arrested. This is very, very important. Studies have shown that Black people do not do well in captivity and have a tendency to die. Avoid being arrested by staying in your house as much as possible and if you must go out in public, try to do so with at least two white friends whose fathers are police officers or district attorneys.

5. Do not open carry. I know it is tempting to go to the airport with your fully-loaded AR-15 or pal around with twenty of your Black friends dressed in paramilitary attire while armed to the teeth at your local Applebee's, but this behavior is specifically white penis-compensation therapy and mocking it would be insensitive, as well as the AR-15 would be really rubbing it in. Also, remember that many of the police who show up to arrest and/or kill you are in 24-7 white penis-compensation therapy so they will not be amused.

6. Do not be president. Even though we are a post-racial society, this is pushing the limits of good taste. It is acceptable to run for president as a Republican (after you disavow your heritage) but do not have the temerity to actually win, or even consider it. Remember, you are running to make us feel good about ourselves. After all we've done for you, it's the least you can do for us.

©2015 Kona Lowell